Please provide some insight on dealing with troubled daughter

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

Not only this^ but it's actually detrimental to his mental and emotional health and well being to be hearing things like this said about his own mother by his grandmother no less.

@Sweet Sue - you put him smack dab in the middle of your toxic relationship and never ending feud with your daughter.  

What was your intention with this?   I'm not buying that you did it "because she insisted."  I'm pretty sure I've read about your daughter insisting on plenty of other things that you did not go ahead and do.

Why was this one, involving hurting your grandchild, something upon which you were ready to oblige? 

I'm sincerely very curious about this.   I'd like to hear your rationale, because I can't even imagine it, especially in the midst of the recurring drama about wanting to see your grandchildren.

[Sweet Sue]

rainbowandroses, I had never intended to bring to my grandson's attention why I have been keeping my distance for most of his life and for hers as well. Let me remind you, he has only heard his mother's side of the story. Also, I see them 3 times a year- only because I make the effort. She doesn't drive to see me because she gets panic attacks if she drives more than 1 1/2 hours, is what I have been told. 

During the course of the conversation, he pressed me to tell him why I have stayed away at times. Initially, I told him I would not, but he said he needed to know. Then my daughter told me to go ahead and tell him . Perhaps I thought he was old enough to hear my side of the story. 

I don't think any of you reading this has been put through as much verbal, emotional and physical abuse as I have been subjected to for the last three decades from your own flesh and blood. It wears you down. It breaks your heart. It causes enormous stress and much more. When all I ever wanted since the day she was born was to raise a happy well-adjusted child. She was a happy kid, always smiling and full of life. I felt so blessed. She entered the terrible twos and just stayed there. 🤦‍♀️ Well, I guess it wasn't in the cards.

Desperately wanting to seek out help, I took her to mental health counselors- mostly alone without hubby, hoping the treatments would help, but not much changed. 

She just became more rebellious and defiant. She took a fireplace poker and used it to violently hit my bedroom door when I locked myself inside my bedroom to get away from her violent nature. When I came out, she would sit in my lap and shout into my face what a horrible mother I was. If she didn't get her way about something, she would throw herself on the floor and pitch a fit until she collasped from exhaustion. 

I sent her to her room as a time out. She closed her bedroom door, locked it and then raised her bedroom window and screamed to anyone within the sound of her voice that she was being abused and to call 911. 

Seriously, she's a mental case. I was an elementary school teacher and had quite a bit of experience working with children but I never came across anyone as complex as my own child. 😥

After a time, you feel you have to learn to love yourself and stay away from the abuse and allow time to heal. It takes a toll on the body and mind. 

During those times I prayed for healing and for God to bless her. Yes, you read that right. I wanted her to be blessed.

It comes at a cost, though. 

It means missing out on important functions, events and holidays. It's sooo sad. 

There must be a way to enjoy the company of my grandchildren without being subjected to their mother's wrath.

To see them, I have to go through her. 

Just this past February, I spoke to her dad and he asked me if there was any chance for a reconciliation between me and our daughter. I told him to go ask her what she needed from me and let me know. He told me he would. A few weeks went by without one word from him. When I called back, he never picked up.  

Tonight, she called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving as well, but she quickly hung up. 

It's a start and I'm still praying. 

Miracles do happen. 🦋

 

 

[Seraphim]

Stop triangulating your grandson into this BS and stop assuming other people haven’t had abuse and violence in their lives. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Stop triangulating your grandson into this BS and stop assuming other people haven’t had abuse and violence in their lives. 

I agree.  Your daughter is unstable so there was no reason to do what she asked. (No reason even if she were stable but -given that... IMO!). There are ways to shield children from age inappropriate information or where it's too burdensome or might be  -there are ways to say "look there was some conflict [tension] back then and it's not something you need to know the details of they are very personal to me.

Our son is 15 and he's sharp.  I have not yet told him I had a postpartum stroke (no lasting effects) -why -because it was blamed on the pregnancy and if he knows it risks him knowing "my mom had this terrible thing happen because of "me"" (which obviously it's not at all his fault but -you know your kid and you know where their thoughts might go).  I also checked to make sure it wasn't a genetic issue where I would have had to tell him for medical history.

I slipped during a car ride with family -family who took me to the ER that night.  All of a sudden he asks why I went to the ER that night. I said -because I am an adult  and he is my child "oh it was just a situation where we thought it was best I get checked out" so he replied, going back to his youtube video "oh mom did you do something stupid" (like meaning I was a klutz and tripped and hurt myself lol).  He knew I think it wasn't.  Here's my point - most kids even teens - they sense when there's something their parents know better about -and they stop asking questions from a good place -not because they're shut down or controlled but because they know -hmmmm - mom/grandma is trying to protect me so I'll trust them.  

It's our job as adults and it's a fine balance -obviously sometimes they "need" to know for safety or medical reasons.  But IMO no child needs to know about past abuse involving his own mother and to hear it from the grandmother who he knows is also having self-serving motives "oh poor me this is why I've been blocked in my efforts to get close to you" -don't think he doesn't know that or at least sense it -kids so often get so much more than we think.

[Jaunty]

OP - YOU need to go to counseling on your own to learn how to stop being completely wrapped up in all the problems your daughter has.  

There are ways that you could have healthy boundaries and be a good influence in your grandchildren's  lives. 

As it stands, you are every bit as toxic and destructive as you portray your daughter to be.  

Even here, your insistence on "my side of the story" is just ... unbelievable.  

You are absolutely contributing to all the garbage.   And you are doing a great deal to make sure that your grandchildren are "players" in this sick game.

Please please please step away from them until you get some kind of a handle on how to be a supportive presence in the kids' lives rather than another destabilizing influence. 

[ShySoul]

Sue, regardless of what you said to your grandson, his mother was going to bring him into this anyway. She already has based on the things she has said. I go back to your first post.

On 11/2/2024 at 10:22 AM, Sweet Sue said:

She put my grandson, who is 13 years old, back on the phone but continued to shout and scream at me at the top of her lungs so much so that I couldn't hear a word my grandson was saying. I asked my grandson if he could go to another room so I could hear him better, but my daughter told me, No and that I could only speak to him with her present. I said fine. But I could hardly hear him for all the shouting. My grandson, for the most part remained relatively composed.

After almost an hour of this, my grandson relented and told me that he was going to give me 30 days to pick a day to come up and see him- and if I didn't reply, I wouldn't get another chance

She has already influenced him with the yelling and who knows what else she has said. She has influenced him to the point where he threatens to not speak to you. He is the one drawing pictures of himself tied up. That does fall on you. 

Yes, you should be careful with what you say. You should try to keep as nice a relationship as possible. But you also shouldn't lie or pretend things aren't what they are. He deserves the truth. That is the only way for him to understand things. He insisted on you answering. You treated him with respect and maturity, giving him the truth. I don't see you denying responsibility yourself. I don't see you putting him in harms way. I see you trying to be fair and honest.

12 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

I don't think any of you reading this has been put through as much verbal, emotional and physical abuse as I have been subjected to for the last three decades from your own flesh and blood. It wears you down. It breaks your heart. It causes enormous stress and much more.

I know I'm going against the grain from everyone else, but I have thought about the stress you are under. I get how torn you must be feeling. A mothers love has no limits. And a grandmothers love is just as strong. To have dealt with this treatment for decades, it must deflate your very soul. But you're still trying, because that's what a mother does. I've seen how hurt my mom has been when my brothers have ignored or treated her poorly. It's heartbreaking. And if you stay away, you risk building more resentment on there side.

Catch 22. You can lose either way. So you try to do what you can. And I think you are doing as well as can be expected.

I don't think you're toxic. I don't think you have harmed the grandson. I think you are struggling with an impossible situation. You are fighting to find a balance between making peace and being in their life with protecting your own mental health. That's not easy.

I also know that calling you out and saying how you are just as bad isn't going to help anyone. It's going to make you feel more hurt and be more defensive. And it won't change anything. So I'm going to not do that. I'm going to say I support you. You are trying your best, which is all you can do. 

12 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

Tonight, she called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I wished her a Happy Thanksgiving as well, but she quickly hung up. 

It's a start and I'm still praying. 

Miracles do happen.

Start small. Highlight the good things. It might not seem like much. But it's something.

[ShySoul]

My mother had a lot of issues herself. If someone honestly and with compassion had talked to me about it when I was young, I would have been happy to hear it. I already knew she had issues, could see it everyday. Trying to hide it from me or protect me by not talking about it only made me feel worse. What I needed was to understand what was going on, to know it wasn't about me. As long as it's not harsh, undue criticism, then I was fine with hearing bad things about any of my family. It actually helped me grow and make sense out of everything. 

We underestimate children. They are perceptive. Don't hide things. Don't sugarcoat it. Tell the truth. Be honest. Especially once they get to the age this grandson is. If that means saying things that might not paint people in the best light, then so be it. But they deserve the honesty and trust that places in them. They are already in the middle, already a part of it. So let them have all sides and be better suited to deal with how they feel about everything.

[Batya33]

No need to sugarcoat. Simply decline to answer. As the late Dr Joy Browne said there is no requirement to answer a question you don’t wish to or find too personal etc. simply say “that’s not for me to discuss with you. I know your mother gave me the green light but I’m giving myself a red light. I am the adult and my job is sometimes to not share information that is not appropriate to share with you. This is one of those times.”

[ShySoul]

On 11/24/2024 at 7:21 PM, Sweet Sue said:

Once again I told my grandson that I didn't feel comfortable talking about the issues I have with his mother, but he insisted- so I told him.

She mentioned all of that not because the daughter said it was okay, but because the grandson wanted to know. He insisted. She tried to deflect multiple times, but the grandson didn't want to let it go. If a child feels they are ready for the information and really wants to know, should we hide it from them? Should we tell them they shouldn't know about it? Or do we trust them enough to speak to them openly and honestly? 

Including children in more mature conversations is healthy and good for them. Speaking to him about this gave him a more balanced view of the tension he surely felt. It got his mind to thinking about things, gave him a different perspective. And it treated him as more of a grown up, showing respect to him and saying he was able to handle more adult issues. Based on what was said, it seems like what things were stated fairly. 

Given how troubled the grandson has acted in the past, I think more communication would be good for him. I think he would benefit from a fuller picture of everything that has transpired. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What I needed was to understand what was going on, to know it wasn't about me. As long as it's not harsh, undue criticism, then I was fine with hearing bad things about any of my family. It actually helped me grow and make sense out of everything. 

^^Fair (for you) however what the OP actually explained to her grandson was far from being 'not harsh or critical.' 

">>What I explained to my grandson was that over the years his mother has verbally assaulted me, wished me dead, has slapped, kicked and punched me, makes threats, guilt trips me when I miss an important event, occasion or holiday, and gives me ultimatums. She loses all self control and manipulates conversations to a point she talks over me when I am trying to have a civil conversation with her. I have become exhausted and emotionally drained." <<

It was extremely harsh and critical, and imo could have caused him great emotional harm and distress more than he is currently experiencing already. 

Her grandson drew a picture of himself tied up with knives for goodness sake, come on.

I guarantee you, hearing about how abusive his mother is was NOT helpful, and demonstrated very poor judgment and insensitivity imo..

I agree with @Jaunty, OP should seek her own counseling; along with abuse, mental health issues also run in families. 

 

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

No need to sugarcoat. Simply decline to answer. As the late Dr Joy Browne said there is no requirement to answer a question you don’t wish to or find too personal etc. simply say “that’s not for me to discuss with you. I know your mother gave me the green light but I’m giving myself a red light. I am the adult and my job is sometimes to not share information that is not appropriate to share with you. This is one of those times.”

 

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Fair (for you) however what the OP actually explained to her grandson was far from being 'not harsh or critical.' 

">>What I explained to my grandson was that over the years his mother has verbally assaulted me, wished me dead, has slapped, kicked and punched me, makes threats, guilt trips me when I miss an important event, occasion or holiday, and gives me ultimatums. She loses all self control and manipulates conversations to a point she talks over me when I am trying to have a civil conversation with her. I have become exhausted and emotionally drained." <<

It was extremely harsh and critical, and imo could have caused him great emotional harm and distress more than he is currently experiencing already. 

Her grandson drew of picture of himself tied up with knives for goodness sake, come on.

I guarantee you, hearing abort how abusive his mother is was NOT helpful, and demonstrated very poor judgment and insensitivity imo..

I agree with @Jaunty, OP should seek her own counseling; along with abuse, mental health issues also run in families. 

 

I have to agree. I never talked to my son about the abuse I suffered until he was over 18. I just said my father and his family were not nice people. My son is 27 and still doesn’t know details just generalities. Early teens is far too early to talk about massive family dysfunction and who slapped who. It is just drawing them into the fight and helping to create victims . I REFUSED to do that to my child and he was kept away from questionable family members unless I was right there . I wouldn’t even allow him to talk to my father unless I was on the other line and he was a teen and older teen. Nope nope …. My son was not being exposed to dysfunction palooza and certainly not by me . 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

 

I have to agree. I never talked to my son about the abuse I suffered until he was over 18. I just said my father and his family were not nice people. My son is 27 and still doesn’t know details just generalities. Early teens is far too early to talk about massive family dysfunction and who slapped who. It is just drawing them into the fight and helping to create victims . I REFUSED to do that to my child and he was kept away from questionable family members unless I was right there . I wouldn’t even allow him to talk to my father unless I was on the other line and he was a teen and older teen. Nope nope …. My son was not being exposed to dysfunction palooza and certainly not by me . 

Also -you are the mother and she is one step removed as the grandmother and her daughter telling her to do this is -she knows -coming most likely from an unstable place. 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

She mentioned all of that not because the daughter said it was okay, but because the grandson wanted to know. He insisted. She tried to deflect multiple times, but the grandson didn't want to let it go. If a child feels they are ready for the information and really wants to know, should we hide it from them?

Not only a child.  If my neighbor or my friend or my spouse asks me for all of the gruesome nasty details about what someone else has said and done,  OF COURSE I am not going to oblige them ... unless I have a motive of sh** stirring.

When it comes to children, I assure you that WITHOUT ANY EXCEPTIONS, nobody with a moral compass is going to tell them a litany of horrible deeds that their parent has done.  Even adult children.

Yes.  It's appropriate to say, in some circumstances,  the truth:  That the parent has serious issues that have impacted their relationships.  

Or maybe serious issues that involved breaking the law and that is why the parent is incarcerated.

Or even that the parent is not safe for the child to be around.

But in NO world would any of this be included in a conversation about getting together for the freaking holidays.

FFS.  Sometimes I cannot even believe ...

 

[Sweet Sue]

Shysoul, I think you have a much better understanding of where I am coming from and I know you mean well.

Hindsight is 20/20, and reflecting on what I told my grandson, I do think that being honest is important- but only to a degree. Looking back, I wish I had not been so brutally honest about what I have endured over the years with his mother, maybe it was to harsh for him to hear all that and I may never know his reaction to it. Perhaps I reacted out of frustration...I don't know, but it was too much information that was negative about his mother. Up until that moment, I have been able to keep my composure and not lose my head. 

Hopefully he is okay now.  I won't make that mistake with my granddaughter. 

I don't know if my question was answered. I need to know how to set these boundaries and wgat the consequences are if she oversteps them. 

My fear is I don't get to see them if I don't show up for everything- I mean everything she expects me to be there for.

She has a way of drawing me into her drama. 

[MissCanuck]

You're as big of a trouble-maker as she is, Sue. 

 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Not only a child.  If my neighbor or my friend or my spouse asks me for all of the gruesome nasty details about what someone else has said and done,  OF COURSE I am not going to oblige them ... unless I have a motive of sh** stirring.

Good point. Filters/boundaries not just for kids.  

 

[Jaunty]

What the OP described is simply classic "triangulation."    It's a well studied and documented way that people gain power and manipulate others, and for the love of god has nothing to do with being "FAIR AND HONEST."

Here is an article about triangulation for anyone interested in it.  The situation that the OP described is textbook.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-triangulation-in-psychology-5120617

The daughter is probably also engaging in it by involving her kid(s) in her feud with mother, and now this young teenaged kid is taking it up as well.   Poor guy is in the middle of it all.  

Spreading the poison.  This is how we end up with "transgenerational trauma."   It probably started ahead of the OP's masterful appropriation of it.  

@Sweet Sue - you've been asked more than once what role you see yourself having played in the dynamics that are so firmly in place here.  I understand very well that some children are extremely difficult to parent, and it sounds like your daughter was one of those.   I continue to be quite sure that you have had a big role in this mess.   I also suspect that you were introduced to this in your own family of origin.

Edited to add: You asked for help with boundaries.   Christmas is upon us.  After this there is no way you will be able to spend time with that part of your family in a way that would be pleasant for anyone.   I hope you will rethink it.   

If you insist, it would be wise to try to meet on neutral ground and with a firmly defined time frame.  Like dinner in a restaurant.   Going to her home is asking for a scene.  I'm not sure how any of you would even be able to put on a nice face for that after this recent fiasco.   

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, Jaunty said:

When it comes to children, I assure you that WITHOUT ANY EXCEPTIONS, nobody with a moral compass is going to tell them a litany of horrible deeds that their parent has done.  Even adult children.

But in NO world would any of this be included in a conversation about getting together for the freaking holidays.

Except it wasn't a conversation about getting together for the holidays. It was a completely separate conversation. He intiated the topic. She wasn't trying to start or say anything. She was trying to be truthful and answer his questions. Maybe she could have phrased things better, but spur of the moment and not expecting to say anything, she did what she could. 

I was the child who saw my family doing terrible things. If someone had told me a litany of horrible deeds that my parents had done, I would have been fine with it - as long as it was true. I would still be fine with it an adult. Only way I would be upset is if they were accused of things they didn't do. And I have defended my parents in that regard. I've also flat out admitted to people when they were right and called my parents out on their nonsense. And I'd expect the same treatment for myself.

If someone is doing something wrong or hurtful, I believe in being honest and straightforward about it, regardless of what my relationship is with them. Only if everyone has full knowledge about the depth of the issues can anyone really come to terms with it. 

 

 

[ShySoul]

15 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

Perhaps I reacted out of frustration...I don't know, but it was too much information that was negative about his mother. Up until that moment, I have been able to keep my composure and not lose my head. 

Hopefully he is okay now.  I won't make that mistake with my granddaughter. 

I don't know if my question was answered. I need to know how to set these boundaries and wgat the consequences are if she oversteps them. 

We all do the best we can in the moment. We aren't perfect. What you said may have sounded harsh, but it was also all true. You weren't trying to put him in the middle. You aren't as bad as your daughter. You're trying to handle things delicately, walking a tightrope. You'll slip and fall at times. But that doesn't make you the problem. It just means you need to refocus and try again.

He probably already knows how his mother is. He may not be able to fully understand or express it, but the idea is most likely already there. If you can, maybe talk to him again and reassure him the problems between the adults are not on him. Let him know that things have happened and that you are trying to work it out, but that you don't want him to feel in the middle. Focus on how you are trying to be the best grandma you can be for him and that no matter what is going on between the adults, you are there for him if he needs you.

As for what to say to him in general, it depends on his maturity and what you think he can handle. You are the one who knows him here, so you are the best judge of that. Some people can handle more. Trust your own judgement, not any outsiders.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-much-of-the-truth-should-you-tell-your-kids#teaching-honesty

As for boundaries with your daughter, that depends on what you think you can handle. You need to figure out what you are comfortable with and will allow. Then you need to communcate it and make sure it's followed. You need to know what situations will cause you stress and find ways to not be in those situations. And if you find yourself there, politely walk away.

I'd also focus on the positive. She did wish you Happy Thanksgiving. It is the holidays, time for family. Try to do what you feel comfortable with. Hope it will go ok.

https://www.calm.com/blog/family-boundaries

[rainbowsandroses]

Some fair points @ShySouland decent article. 

I especially liked what it said about being straightforward with children about uncomfortable topics.  Of course exercising discretion and good judgment.

Here, to me, what Sweet Sue chose to share was "too graphic" and "too much information" which the article also said can be harmful. 

But she has since acknowledged that and learned from it and vowed to not be quite so forthcoming with her granddaughter if it ever came to that.   And to exercise some discretion and good judgment which is good.

Good points from the article.  

Don’t over-share

Try to be mindful of whether you’re sharing too much information with your children.

Gadhia-Smith explains that using your kids as a best friend or therapist to talk could have a detrimental impact on them into adulthood.

Leaning on your support system or an adult confidante is often a better choice than venting or divulging difficult information to your child, no matter their age or maturity level.

Seek therapy

When parents are faced with tough conversations and situations, enlisting the help of a therapist or family counselor can be crucial.

Individual therapy for both parents and kids can be helpful for processing difficult situations and information, as well. Family therapy can also be helpful for receiving professional support in talking with your child about difficult topics or stressful events.

 

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Except it wasn't a conversation about getting together for the holidays. It was a completely separate conversation. He intiated the topic

Incorrect. This whole thing is about the OP failing to follow through on a past holiday with a visit because of whatever drama between her and her daughter.   It's a complicated mess but you can look at the posting history if you're interested.

This interaction was specifically the kid asking why @Sweet Sue visited so rarely, as she clearly states in the post.  And the "backstory" is that a Christmas visit is supposedly pending very imminently.

If she wanted to say that she and the kid's mom were having a lot of issues to answer this question, that would have been honest and appropriate.  

Detailing the vile behavior of the child's mother to the boy?  

No.  

@ShySoul  I'm sorry you had a rough time of your own and a difficult mother,  and you're entitled to your feelings.  But, you are absolutely wrong in your defense of anyone trash talking a parent to their own child. 

I can speak from a semi-professional place (was a counselor in my past) but more importantly, as a member of a family with a lot of dysfunctional dynamics and difficulties.  

Defending that behavior is close to defending outright abuse.  It's absolutely harmful to the child and puts them in an untenable position between the two adults who are in a battle.   

The kid should have been spared this. I'm really sad to hear about it.

 

[Sweet Sue]

The problem is when I spend less time with them because of my daughter's abuse and disrespectful behavior, she will make threats and try to manipulate. She will tell them that I am staying away because I don't love them and can't be bothered with them- as she said in a Facebook post. 

She takes no owership in her behavior. 

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sweet Sue said:

The problem is when I spend less time with them because of my daughter's abuse and disrespectful behavior, she will make threats and try to manipulate. She will tell them that I am staying away because I don't love them and can't be bothered with them- as she said in a Facebook post. 

She takes no owership in her behavior. 

 

Yes so there is  a way to reaffirm what is going on on your end without directly telling her child his mom is a liar and without sharing details that he should not be privvy to as a matter of common sense from an adult perspective -that would be you -as the adult. You as the adult acting in his best interests -which should -come naturally to you given how much you emphasize wanting a relationship with him.

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

  I'm sorry you had a rough time of your own and a difficult mother,  and you're entitled to your feelings.  But, you are absolutely wrong in your defense of anyone trash talking a parent to their own child. 

Actually my mother was the better parent. And even with all our problems, she's still the one I have the closest relationship to of all my family.

I've never defended trash talking anyone - parent, sibling, friend, partner, random stranger on the street. I don't believe in focusing on the negative. Pretty much all of my posts on any subject are trying to get people to think positive and look on the bright side. I've actually been criticized for defending people people when I have felt they were having trash talked about them. And as I said, I've fiercely defended my parents if they have in fact come under attack unfairly. 

What I am defending is honesty. It's in not being afraid to be truthful about things. My parents had a lot of faults. I am sure most parents have a lot of faults. And if someone says those faults, then it's true. Why be afraid to talk the truth? It's not trash talking to admit that the family is disfunctional and that the boy's mom has done things that she shouldn't have done. 

By 14 I was able to tell what issues my parents had. I was able to see the problems they had with other family members. Everything I am reading from professionals say something similar. Most people at that age are mature enough to have adult conversations regarding family situations.

Yes, it will vary depending on the child. None of us know the child, so we can't say if a conversation is appropriate. Sue is the only one who can say that, so I defer to her opinion on rather to say something or not. And yes, it should be handled delicately. Which Sue tried to do and can always come back to and discuss with him at a later point, clarifying any points that she may have felt was said too harshly or unclear.

Communication is vital, regardless the relationship or age. 

[ShySoul]

47 minutes ago, Sweet Sue said:

The problem is when I spend less time with them because of my daughter's abuse and disrespectful behavior, she will make threats and try to manipulate. She will tell them that I am staying away because I don't love them and can't be bothered with them- as she said in a Facebook post. 

She takes no owership in her behavior. 

The best counter for a lie is the truth. The best counter for hate is love. 

Don't get drawn into the games. If you need time away, just tell everyone you love them but are busy and probably won't be able to be around as much for awhile. Let the grandchildren know if they need you, they can call anytime. The daughter is going to do whatever she decides to do. Don't let it get to you or cause you to react to it.

Trying to find things that may help you out:

"Make peace with the fact that some people have viewpoints or priorities that may never match your own. Your adult children, siblings, or parents will do what they feel is right for them, and you can’t control their behavior. Try to treasure the relationship for what it is, or focus on other relationships that bring you joy."

https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/dealing-with-difficult-family-relationships