The guy i’m dating acted surprised other men find me attractive

[lilacbeach]

this guy (24m) i'm dating and i (19f) were drinking and playing monopoly when he noticed i had over 1500 notifications on hinge (online dating app) when he was using my phone

he said something along the lines of “i’m sorry, you have 1500 hinge notifications? don’t take this the wrong way… i think you’re very pretty. you know that, right? like you’re a very pretty lady. my friend downloaded hinge and got like 5 likes, all of them looked like ‘fridges’. i was getting 20, which i thought was good. but 1500? i’d love to see a study comparing the likes of a girl who’s like a 4/10 looks-wise. i’m sure a girl who’s a 4/10 would get around 100 likes”

i get that he was trying to compliment me, but the way he prefaced it made me feel like he was implying that while he finds me pretty, i’m not THAT pretty enough to have that many likes. it felt like he was questioning my attractiveness in comparison to others. admittedly, im also a bit insecure because his ex is really pretty, so i feel like he has high standards. i asked him why he prefaced with calling me pretty, and he didn’t really answer the question

he really likes me and treats me very well otherwise (nice dates, compliments, chivalrous, always insists on paying, very sweet). however, this conversation ruined my mood and made me feel a bit insecure

[smackie9]

I would say this particular event is very telling of what is to be about this guy. Abuse doesn't always comes out whole...it happens it small increments. It is supposed to chip away at your self esteem over time so you will you dismiss it. It ruined your mood because this guy is a jacka$$. The sweet persona/pay for everything is sheep's clothing to cloak his misogynistic attitude. 

[Batya33]

How long have you been dating him? Does he often say rude, tacky and thoughtless things to you or to others? Does he often comment on other women's looks in a derogatory way - obviously he was referring to overweight women right?

Do you think he was with his ex because of "standards" he has about what someone looks like? Is he focused a lot on looks and "ranking?" Also why was he using your phone? And you two are still looking to date others it seems, yes? 

I would say using I statements "I felt uncomfortable when you commented about how many notifications I had on my hinge app.  I felt like you were telling me you were surprised I got that many notifications because only someone prettier than me would. I am confident about my looks.  I'm not interested in getting into how I "rank" as compared to other women on the hinge app.  That's why I felt uncomfortable about what you said.'

[lilacbeach]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How long have you been dating him? Does he often say rude, tacky and thoughtless things to you or to others? Does he often comment on other women's looks in a derogatory way - obviously he was referring to overweight women right?

Do you think he was with his ex because of "standards" he has about what someone looks like? Is he focused a lot on looks and "ranking?" Also why was he using your phone? And you two are still looking to date others it seems, yes? 

I would say using I statements "I felt uncomfortable when you commented about how many notifications I had on my hinge app.  I felt like you were telling me you were surprised I got that many notifications because only someone prettier than me would. I am confident about my looks.  I'm not interested in getting into how I "rank" as compared to other women on the hinge app.  That's why I felt uncomfortable about what you said.'

we've been dating 2-3 weeks, he wants to see me all the time. he usually doesn't speak that way about women but we were drinking (and yes he was referring to overweight women. rude, i know.)

95% of the compliments he gives me are about my looks. he sometimes mentions people's attractiveness when he's speaking about them. he was using my phone to queue up a song. we aren't seeing other people, but also aren't exclusive yet

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, lilacbeach said:

we've been dating 2-3 weeks, he wants to see me all the time. he usually doesn't speak that way about women but we were drinking (and yes he was referring to overweight women. rude, i know.)

95% of the compliments he gives me are about my looks. he sometimes mentions people's attractiveness when he's speaking about them. he was using my phone to queue up a song. we aren't seeing other people, but also aren't exclusive yet

Oh I see-but you're advertising yourself as single on Hinge so if you're not seeing others why are you active on the app? 

I'd keep on alert if most of his compliments are about what you look like and if he makes any more comments about women's looks as he did.  

Also maybe err on the side of not getting drunk so you can get to know him as a person in a clearheaded way.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, maybe turn the alerts off.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like he got intimidated by the volume. This triggered him to go mean toward you, as though putting you down would somehow compensate his ego in some way.

He has shown you who he is. Unfortunately, meanness doesn't tend to get better over time. It typically gets worse. I hope you'll consider that carefully.

[Zaku-II]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Unfortunately, meanness doesn't tend to get better over time. It typically gets worse. I hope you'll consider that carefully.

Maybe I missed something in the original post, but he wasn't calling HER a 4/10, he was making up a hypothetical scenario where if a 4/10 gets 100 likes, then the OP would be a 10+. (50 likes per point, basically. 4/10 = 100,  so a 10 would be 500 likes +) I think it was intended as an off beat compliment.

If you were referring to the 'fridge' remark, then yeah, technically that was mean. But I wouldn't read too much into that either, it's shallow to be sure, but who isn't these days?

As for Hinge, I'm curious to see if it adds a new notch to the belt of online dating. It gets a bad rap already for being less than useless at starting relationships, but I don't think I've ever heard of an online dating site potentially ending one too! (Outside of cheating, of course. They have a bad rap for enabling that already.)

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, lilacbeach said:

i get that he was trying to compliment me, but the way he prefaced it made me feel like he was implying that while he finds me pretty, i’m not THAT pretty enough to have that many likes. it felt like he was questioning my attractiveness in comparison to others.

I think he was just curious in terms of dating sites likes. If 4/10 gets 100 likes, will 5/10 get 200, 6/10 maybe 400 likes etc. Dont think it has anything to do with your attractiveness. Men dont get many likes on dating apps in general. Women do. 

I would be more concerned with him using your phone. Possibly checking on you and trying to find something incriminating. Dont let people go into your privacy like that.

[shouldhavelearned]

Many people have said women get tons more responses compared to men.

Add in the algorithms.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

would be more concerned with him using your phone. Possibly checking on you and trying to find something incriminating. Dont let people go into your privacy like that.

She mentioned she handed it to him to get some music going.  So related to that though -OP if you know you get Hinge notifications why would you hand him your phone? Did part of you want him to see how "popular" you are?But yes I totally agree -even if he has your phone he should go only to the location he was supposed to -the music. And not comment on what else he sees anyway.

[lilacbeach]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She mentioned she handed it to him to get some music going.  So related to that though -OP if you know you get Hinge notifications why would you hand him your phone? Did part of you want him to see how "popular" you are?But yes I totally agree -even if he has your phone he should go only to the location he was supposed to -the music. And not comment on what else he sees anyway.

my notifications are silenced on hinge. on my home screen, he saw the little red bubble on the hinge app showing “1500” indicating the amount of notifs id have if i turned them on

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, lilacbeach said:

my notifications are silenced on hinge. on my home screen, he saw the little red bubble on the hinge app showing “1500” indicating the amount of notifs id have if i turned them on

Right I mean why have it so that a person can see the number especially a person you are dating. I multidated a lot and never mentioned or referenced who I was dating or trying to date. In certain cases the man was someone I met online dating site so he could see-if he logged on too -that I was still on there and active (which he already knew).  Would you have taken him to a party or gathering where a man you also were dating was going to be there and wink at you or reference your next date? I bet not. I'd be more discreet or don't give a new man you are dating your phone if he's going to see your online dating activity. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Right I mean why have it so that a person can see the number especially a person you are dating.

Yeah, why not try to foresee such a remote possibility by using your psychic abilities ahead of time to man-proof each and every tiny aspect of your phone so that in the event you are ever in the company of a man who happens to want to use your phone or you've possibly asked him to do something with your phone you won't ever need to post questions to a forum about having disturbed such a man with such radical displays of things like numbers...

 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She mentioned she handed it to him to get some music going.

I still dont like it. Its like one of those people who you give a phone to show them some picture you took and they start scrolling to other pictures as well. No sense of personal privacy. 

[yogacat]

17 hours ago, lilacbeach said:

he said something along the lines of “i’m sorry, you have 1500 hinge notifications? don’t take this the wrong way… i think you’re very pretty. you know that, right? like you’re a very pretty lady. my friend downloaded hinge and got like 5 likes, all of them looked like ‘fridges’. i was getting 20, which i thought was good. but 1500? i’d love to see a study comparing the likes of a girl who’s like a 4/10 looks-wise. i’m sure a girl who’s a 4/10 would get around 100 likes”

Hmmm.

He sounds annoyed because you're getting all these likes and he's witnessed men not receiving the same volume- it's jealousy.  However, his approach was tacky.

A male family member was complaining about something similar that women get tons of messages, and how come men do not. I think that is the crux of the issue and not necessarily your level of attractiveness.

17 hours ago, lilacbeach said:

95% of the compliments he gives me are about my looks. he sometimes mentions people's attractiveness when he's speaking about them.

Do you feel like that's the only thing he values about you? Why is he not complimenting your character or personality and only focusing on your looks? Do you feel objectified or like a trophy to him?

[shouldhavelearned]

What's the latest op? 

Have you talked to with him about it?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I still dont like it. Its like one of those people who you give a phone to show them some picture you took and they start scrolling to other pictures as well. No sense of personal privacy. 

Yes as I wrote too -when someone gives me their phone for a specific reason I use it only for that.

[SophiaG]

If it's the first time he heard/witnessed how much attention women get on a dating app he might just be shocked based on his friend's and his own experience. I mean, 5/20 versus 1500 is a pretty stark difference. He is expressing it in a tacky way, for sure, including the "4/10 girl" or "fridges" comment - but I think that's just consistent with his ultra focus on looks and overall immaturity, not necessarily him saying you are pretty but not THAT pretty. I would be more concerned with him having to mention how pretty his ex is - or do you know her before dating him?

 

[ShySoul]

That doesn't sound like a compliement or a criticism. It's an observation that you have an extremely high total in comparison to other people he knows. If anything I would look at it positive. If 4/10 gets 100 likes, then you would rate a 60/10 in order to get 1500 likes. While it was awkwardly phrased, I think you should focus on the good intent that was probably behind it.

Also, if you are getting that high a score and have that many people liking you, what difference would one person's opinion make? Clearly that would be an outlier and you have nothing to worry about in terms of attractiveness.

This is why rating people in terms of outward appearance is a bad idea in the first place. It turns people into numbers. It messes with your head. Someone rated lower feels insecure that they aren't as good as someone else. People rated higher still feel insecure as they still think someone else is prettier or that they have to maintain that rating as their sense of self worth becomes wrapped up in it.

A person's appearance doesn't say anything about the person. Who we are is more then flesh. Having high ratings and notifications doesn't mean we can find a match or are attractive people on the inside. Putting so much focus on what random people think of a superficial topic is limiting and counterproductive. 

If his primary focus is on looks, he isn't ready for a real relationship.

And you should be less concerned with what people think of the outer you, and more focused on finding someone who can appreciate the beauty within you. Be the awesome person you are and believe in yourself. A good guy will find every part of you beautiful and not care what anyone else thinks. 

[smackie9]

hey OP how is it going...if he keeps bring it up, not shutting his yapper about it, please boot him to the curb. You deserve way more respect.

[ShySoul]

On 11/1/2024 at 3:44 PM, lilacbeach said:

he really likes me and treats me very well otherwise (nice dates, compliments, chivalrous, always insists on paying, very sweet).

One incident shouldn't break a relationship if the overall picture is otherwise good. 

To what people dating and in healthy relationships do... talk to each other. Express how it made you feel. Try to shift the focus form looks to matters that are far more important. Get to the heart of who each other really is and see if their is a conncection there. See if he can compliment the really attractive qualities. 

And just stay off of places that turn matters into a pointless numbers game of like and notices. Focus on the only number that matters- the ONE you are with.

[poorlittlefish]

Why don't you clear your notifications?  Do you have a need for validation here; a desire for a tally of "likes"?  I think the guy just made a general observation on the crazy high number.  I've never heard of it be that high unless over a really extended period.  I honestly don't see anything insulting in what he said.  Maybe you're so fixated on your appearance that you perceived it that way when it was intended to be a general comment (which is how it reads to me).

[yogacat]

9 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why don't you clear your notifications?  Do you have a need for validation here; a desire for a tally of "likes"?  I think the guy just made a general observation on the crazy high number.  I've never heard of it be that high unless over a really extended period.  I honestly don't see anything insulting in what he said.  Maybe you're so fixated on your appearance that you perceived it that way when it was intended to be a general comment (which is how it reads to me).

Except he was using her phone and not everyone clears their notifications.

The point is that he made a comment about her looks in relation to the number of likes she has, which can be hurtful and not necessary. He could have just made an observation about the high number without bringing up her looks or comparing her to others.

On 11/1/2024 at 3:44 PM, lilacbeach said:

my friend downloaded hinge and got like 5 likes, all of them looked like ‘fridges’. i was getting 20, which i thought was good. but 1500? i’d love to see a study comparing the likes of a girl who’s like a 4/10 looks-wise. i’m sure a girl who’s a 4/10 would get around 100 likes”

He is complaining that he doesn't nor his friends do not get an high amount of likes.

That's a him problem. 

[lilacbeach]

10 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why don't you clear your notifications?  Do you have a need for validation here; a desire for a tally of "likes"?  I think the guy just made a general observation on the crazy high number.  I've never heard of it be that high unless over a really extended period.  I honestly don't see anything insulting in what he said.  Maybe you're so fixated on your appearance that you perceived it that way when it was intended to be a general comment (which is how it reads to me).

i know looks aren’t everything, but as a 19 year old girl, i’ve constantly been reminded of beauty standard my whole life. i hope one day i can get to a place where i can separate my self value from my looks, but i’m not there yet.

i know i'm insecure about my looks and this situation may just be caused by me deflecting. that’s literally the reason i posted this; to see if my insecurities were creating a problem in my head.

what i found insulting was him having to clarify beforehand that he thinks I'm pretty. that clarification, inferred that whatever he was about to say may undermine my attractiveness

i don’t see how its my responsibility to hide small details like that on my phone. i have my push notifications off, but the app still displays the number