How am I supposed to meet women if there's nothing that goes on in my area?

[Ryn4]

I am a 23 y/o guy. My #1 priority in life right now is to have a romantic relationship. I've never been in one, but I crave it. It sounds weird, but that's the best way I can describe it. The problem is there really isn't anything that goes on in my area. I live in a city of about 115k, but I am not kidding when I say that nothing happens here. I've tried searching for local groups and classes and they just don't exist. I think we have art classes, but the one I attended was dead as hell. There were only a couple other women there and they were significantly older than I was. I've tried looking for cooking classes, but I have come up empty handed everytime. I know some of you will probably suggest trying my hand at dating apps, but I have tried these already and always get zero traction. I don't think I am attractive enough to stand out to women I'd desire on them. I have never gotten any matches. The one time I got a match, the girl told me that she swiped on me on accident. I'm literally at a loss. I also can't afford to move. I need to finish my online schooling to get my degree first in order to afford moving to the metro and that won't be for another 3 semesters.

[Seraphim]

115 K is pretty decent size . My town is under 15k and stuff happens here . How about meet up apps or event apps . 

[Ryn4]

42 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

115 K is pretty decent size . My town is under 15k and stuff happens here . How about meet up apps or event apps . 

I'm telling you there isn't *** here. I've tried Meetup and whatnot and there is nothing I swear.

[ShySoul]

My town is around 138k, so not that much larger. And stuff does happen here. Within a 15 minute walk of me I've gone to free concerts in the park, a mini downtown area with a yearly multiculteral festival, loads of antique and thrift stores, holiday celebrations, and a library with plenty of events including a sci-fi/comic day recently. 

I'm sure there could be something if you look hard enough. Have you tried a library and seeing if there is some event or group that would meet your interests? Or finding something to volunteer for? There is always organization needing help and it's a good way to meet people in general.

Think you are also getting things backwards. You don't go to places or do things with the intent of having a relationship. You should go to places to have fun at those places. In putting the relationship first, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed when inevitably you don't find a women you hit it off with. Then you become disillusioned on doing anything. You can't be happy even if you find something to do, because you don't really want to do any of the activites. It's just a means to an end for you.

I know how badly it hurts to not have a relationship. At 22 I had never had a relationship. I lived in a major city with lots going on all the time. Didn't help me any. I was still alone and wishing for something everyday. More I wished and felt depressed about it, more I stayed depressed and got nothing. It was only when I learned to love life on my own and just had fun that someone came along.

So rather then make the relationship top priority, make your life priority. What would be fun for you? Do that.

And if there isn't anything in person, try online. My brother played RPGs online and found the person that ended up being his wife. I posted on forums online and met someone special that way. I've met people though online conventions for a card game I play. There are all kinds of ways to connect to people. And it doesn't have to involve signing up for an app.

[Batya33]

When I was in that situation sort of -lived 9 miles from where all the action was and I was 28 and my top priority was  to find a husband -a good match -not just any ole husband LOL - I moved 9 miles from my parents house to a high rent district and also could then walk to work which gave me a little more free time.  Where I lived the 9 miles was a pretty big obstacle with traffic, taking a taxi home late at night and often a turn off for potential dates.  I lived there for 15 years after my 28 years living right outside the city. Ironically I met my future husband 7 weeks after moving but didn't yet know he was my future husband (we met at work).  But it did wonders for my social life and dating life. Game changer. So if it really is your top priority I'd consider moving.

Also have you looked into volunteering backstage in community theater? Younger people often do this and people who do this are often friendly and open and might know of people to introduce you to.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Ryn4 said:

I think we have art classes, but the one I attended was dead as hell. There were only a couple other women there and they were significantly older than I was.

Are you kidding? Drop your narrow mind and work that! Older people love mentoring young singles to find love or good jobs or their calling in life or whatever. They will socialize you with their neighbors, friends, volunteer groups, etc., all through which you can meet younger women or other potential friends who can introduce you to available women.

Older people carry the vestiges of social order, where all generations co-mingled to advance the interests of the young. Don't deprive these people of the joys of making you into their next vicarious project! Go meet some older folks and let them give your social life a makeover!

[shouldhavelearned]

Any colleges around?

Church

Shopping places 

Think outside of what you're thinking about now

[SophiaG]

12 hours ago, Ryn4 said:

I'm telling you there isn't *** here. I've tried Meetup and whatnot and there is nothing I swear.

Well.. I'm sorry but that can't be objectively true. It may well be your attitude that explains how you feel about your town/city. You might mean there's nothing you're interested in, nothing where you find women your age, nothing where you find women your age that you are attracted to, nothing where the women you are attracted to also are attracted to you, etc... Nothing at all? No way. You are not the only single young man in this community however small it is and other people have to be socializing, living their lives, meeting people somewhere.

If there is really nothing going on that works for you, how about starting your own group around your hobbies? If you are so determined to be in a relationship there will be a way. But if you sit there and lament there is nothing going on therefore you can't meet people, then you won't meet people for sure.

[Kwothe28]

115k is not small at all. My town is twice smaller(3 times if you exclude villages that are part of the town) and you can still go out on Saturday night. Lots of cultural events, some music etc. Last year we had an opera. Some Australian singer that sings at their opera(and was born here) came over summer and performed at local theater. Town 20km(12 miles for you Muricans) from mine is a bit bigger and they even have stuff like "Game club"(to play board games with people), Salsa club and very developed music scene. Lots of bands from capital city come there to perform. 115k is plenty to find something there. Since, well, people usually dont stay in "dead towns" but move very quickly. 

If your town cant offer anything can you at least go to different city for entertainment? Lots of people goes even with public transportation so they would attend some concert or events at different cities. You are not bound to your city if you live there. 

[Ryn4]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

My town is around 138k, so not that much larger. And stuff does happen here. Within a 15 minute walk of me I've gone to free concerts in the park, a mini downtown area with a yearly multiculteral festival, loads of antique and thrift stores, holiday celebrations, and a library with plenty of events including a sci-fi/comic day recently. 

I'm sure there could be something if you look hard enough. Have you tried a library and seeing if there is some event or group that would meet your interests? Or finding something to volunteer for? There is always organization needing help and it's a good way to meet people in general.

Think you are also getting things backwards. You don't go to places or do things with the intent of having a relationship. You should go to places to have fun at those places. In putting the relationship first, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed when inevitably you don't find a women you hit it off with. Then you become disillusioned on doing anything. You can't be happy even if you find something to do, because you don't really want to do any of the activites. It's just a means to an end for you.

I know how badly it hurts to not have a relationship. At 22 I had never had a relationship. I lived in a major city with lots going on all the time. Didn't help me any. I was still alone and wishing for something everyday. More I wished and felt depressed about it, more I stayed depressed and got nothing. It was only when I learned to love life on my own and just had fun that someone came along.

So rather then make the relationship top priority, make your life priority. What would be fun for you? Do that.

And if there isn't anything in person, try online. My brother played RPGs online and found the person that ended up being his wife. I posted on forums online and met someone special that way. I've met people though online conventions for a card game I play. There are all kinds of ways to connect to people. And it doesn't have to involve signing up for an app.

The only volunteering opportunity I would care for is something with animals. The place I was going to volunteer has their orientation booked out for months, and the other place I thought about volunteering at I emailed and they just never responded. I also don't know how much time I'll have to do volunteer work because I'm going to be starting school soon on top of working. To be honest, and maybe I'm a bad person or it's my OCD, but homeless shelters and stuff like that have always been off putting to me.

My problem is everything I enjoy is solitary. Like the only reason I would want to go out in the first place is to meet women. The only thing I like where I have the potential to meet people is concerts, and 95% of people there are dudes. If there are any women there, they're not my type or they're with their boyfriends. I listen to a lot of nerdy, heavy metal music.

I am not exaggerating there isn't *** in my area. There is literally a subReddit about my town, and if you ask people on there how to meet people most of them will tell you to move or agree that this town sucks for meeting people. The entire reason this town is so big is because it has the Mayo Clinic. Other than that it kind of sucks.

[Ryn4]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When I was in that situation sort of -lived 9 miles from where all the action was and I was 28 and my top priority was  to find a husband -a good match -not just any ole husband LOL - I moved 9 miles from my parents house to a high rent district and also could then walk to work which gave me a little more free time.  Where I lived the 9 miles was a pretty big obstacle with traffic, taking a taxi home late at night and often a turn off for potential dates.  I lived there for 15 years after my 28 years living right outside the city. Ironically I met my future husband 7 weeks after moving but didn't yet know he was my future husband (we met at work).  But it did wonders for my social life and dating life. Game changer. So if it really is your top priority I'd consider moving.

Also have you looked into volunteering backstage in community theater? Younger people often do this and people who do this are often friendly and open and might know of people to introduce you to.

The theater scene isn't my thing. The only volunteering I'd be interested in is something with animals and they're booked out right now for months and I'm also going back to school here soon (online) on top of working so I don't know if I'd have time to volunteer. I think you have to work a certain amount of hours a week within the volunteering in order to stay on the program.

[Ryn4]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Are you kidding? Drop your narrow mind and work that! Older people love mentoring young singles to find love or good jobs or their calling in life or whatever. They will socialize you with their neighbors, friends, volunteer groups, etc., all through which you can meet younger women or other potential friends who can introduce you to available women.

Older people carry the vestiges of social order, where all generations co-mingled to advance the interests of the young. Don't deprive these people of the joys of making you into their next vicarious project! Go meet some older folks and let them give your social life a makeover!

They're not gonna be able to link my up with other younger people. If anything they'll tell me about groups involving other older people. I've seen some meetups on Meetup, but they were geared towards older people and what they were doing I was not interested in.

[Ryn4]

2 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Any colleges around?

Church

Shopping places 

Think outside of what you're thinking about now

There is a community college, but it's very small. I am not religious. There are places to shop here sure, but I asked on Reddit recently if walking up to a random woman with the intent to ask her out for coffee or just get her number was creepy and the concensus was heavily yes, unless you were in the top 10% of guys which I am most definitely not.

[Ryn4]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Well.. I'm sorry but that can't be objectively true. It may well be your attitude that explains how you feel about your town/city. You might mean there's nothing you're interested in, nothing where you find women your age, nothing where you find women your age that you are attracted to, nothing where the women you are attracted to also are attracted to you, etc... Nothing at all? No way. You are not the only single young man in this community however small it is and other people have to be socializing, living their lives, meeting people somewhere.

If there is really nothing going on that works for you, how about starting your own group around your hobbies? If you are so determined to be in a relationship there will be a way. But if you sit there and lament there is nothing going on therefore you can't meet people, then you won't meet people for sure.

I honestly don't think I'm capable of starting my own group. I am not proficient enough in anything I do to start a group. My self-esteem is also an issue tbh, but like I suck at guitar, I suck at basketball, I'm very picky about my reading material. I've been told to join leagues for basketball before but I worry about being the weak link that holds the rest of the team back. That is unfair to them.

[Ryn4]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

115k is not small at all. My town is twice smaller(3 times if you exclude villages that are part of the town) and you can still go out on Saturday night. Lots of cultural events, some music etc. Last year we had an opera. Some Australian singer that sings at their opera(and was born here) came over summer and performed at local theater. Town 20km(12 miles for you Muricans) from mine is a bit bigger and they even have stuff like "Game club"(to play board games with people), Salsa club and very developed music scene. Lots of bands from capital city come there to perform. 115k is plenty to find something there. Since, well, people usually dont stay in "dead towns" but move very quickly. 

If your town cant offer anything can you at least go to different city for entertainment? Lots of people goes even with public transportation so they would attend some concert or events at different cities. You are not bound to your city if you live there. 

The closest big city to me is like an hour and a half away. The only reason I ever go up there is to go to shows of my favorite bands (which are sausage fests btw because of what I listen to).

[Andrina]

Sorry, but having no guy friends and no fun hobbies that a woman would find fun to be introduced to, then that'll be a deterrent to your goal. A woman will feel uneasy about being the sole source of your joy and social life. Life is just more enjoyable when a couple has one or more couple friends and/or a group of friends they normally get together with. It gets boring to just be an isolated duo.

I'd suggest getting out of your comfort zone of solitary activities. I myself am a shy person but I've always gotten myself out into the world, no matter if meeting new people could be a little nerve wracking, and I often attended things on my own if a friend wasn't available to go along with me.

It's a shame that you aren't going to the local community college instead of online college, as college is a great way to meet others your age. Plus, there are often college clubs you can join. Many colleges allow people who aren't students to eat in their cafeteria's and you could probably even do some studying in their library. How about trying that, and maybe even supplementing your education with a class or two at the community college, even if it's a fun one whereas the credit will be gained just for its enjoyment?

Surely, there are cafes where you could get out of your room to study at. In my area, there's Panera Bread where you'll find a lot of people with laptops. It's a place conducive to hanging out where there are plenty of tables without anybody concerned that you're staying several hours. You never know who else intriguing might be there and with whom a discussion might strike up. I was flirted with once at a Panera Bread when I was single but dating someone, so no numbers were exchanged. That wouldn't have happened if I kept myself holed up in my home the majority of the time.

You're full of excuses, which will only continue to  prevent you from achieving your romance goals. Yes, your life needs an overhaul. Make a list, from the easiest task to the most daunting, and start practicing and crossing off the list the easiest ones first. You can then feel good about your proactivity. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

What's this town?

[Ryn4]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Sorry, but having no guy friends and no fun hobbies that a woman would find fun to be introduced to, then that'll be a deterrent to your goal. A woman will feel uneasy about being the sole source of your joy and social life. Life is just more enjoyable when a couple has one or more couple friends and/or a group of friends they normally get together with. It gets boring to just be an isolated duo.

I'd suggest getting out of your comfort zone of solitary activities. I myself am a shy person but I've always gotten myself out into the world, no matter if meeting new people could be a little nerve wracking, and I often attended things on my own if a friend wasn't available to go along with me.

It's a shame that you aren't going to the local community college instead of online college, as college is a great way to meet others your age. Plus, there are often college clubs you can join. Many colleges allow people who aren't students to eat in their cafeteria's and you could probably even do some studying in their library. How about trying that, and maybe even supplementing your education with a class or two at the community college, even if it's a fun one whereas the credit will be gained just for its enjoyment?

Surely, there are cafes where you could get out of your room to study at. In my area, there's Panera Bread where you'll find a lot of people with laptops. It's a place conducive to hanging out where there are plenty of tables without anybody concerned that you're staying several hours. You never know who else intriguing might be there and with whom a discussion might strike up. I was flirted with once at a Panera Bread when I was single but dating someone, so no numbers were exchanged. That wouldn't have happened if I kept myself holed up in my home the majority of the time.

You're full of excuses, which will only continue to  prevent you from achieving your romance goals. Yes, your life needs an overhaul. Make a list, from the easiest task to the most daunting, and start practicing and crossing off the list the easiest ones first. You can then feel good about your proactivity. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

I've already decided that I'm going to start going to coffee shops even if it's just to read a book. I guess I'm just constantly worried about making myself look like a creep since that is apparently very easy to do nowadays and also making myself look like a fool. I don't want to be know as that guy that talks with woman at someplace, but can never succeed in getting anything going. I remember one of my friends in high school being made fun of because he would try for women and get rejected constantly. I should also mention that I do have guy friends, but we really only have our friend group and that's it. We'll go bowling occasionally, but other than that it's mostly talking on Discord.

[Ryn4]

5 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

What's this town?

Rochester, MN. The city monopolized by the Mayo Clinic.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Ryn4 said:

I honestly don't think I'm capable of starting my own group. I am not proficient enough in anything I do to start a group. My self-esteem is also an issue tbh, but like I suck at guitar, I suck at basketball, I'm very picky about my reading material. I've been told to join leagues for basketball before but I worry about being the weak link that holds the rest of the team back. That is unfair to them.

What about a foodie group to explore local restaurants for example? Or even a cooking group where you have routine potlucks to try homemade food if you are into cooking classes? Not every hobby has to be competitive or merit-based. Also check if there are toastmaster groups near you - it can be intimidating at first but a great way of building confidence and self-esteem.

[SophiaG]

36 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Sorry, but having no guy friends and no fun hobbies that a woman would find fun to be introduced to, then that'll be a deterrent to your goal. A woman will feel uneasy about being the sole source of your joy and social life. Life is just more enjoyable when a couple has one or more couple friends and/or a group of friends they normally get together with. It gets boring to just be an isolated duo.

I'd suggest getting out of your comfort zone of solitary activities. I myself am a shy person but I've always gotten myself out into the world, no matter if meeting new people could be a little nerve wracking, and I often attended things on my own if a friend wasn't available to go along with me.

It's a shame that you aren't going to the local community college instead of online college, as college is a great way to meet others your age. Plus, there are often college clubs you can join. Many colleges allow people who aren't students to eat in their cafeteria's and you could probably even do some studying in their library. How about trying that, and maybe even supplementing your education with a class or two at the community college, even if it's a fun one whereas the credit will be gained just for its enjoyment?

Surely, there are cafes where you could get out of your room to study at. In my area, there's Panera Bread where you'll find a lot of people with laptops. It's a place conducive to hanging out where there are plenty of tables without anybody concerned that you're staying several hours. You never know who else intriguing might be there and with whom a discussion might strike up. I was flirted with once at a Panera Bread when I was single but dating someone, so no numbers were exchanged. That wouldn't have happened if I kept myself holed up in my home the majority of the time.

You're full of excuses, which will only continue to  prevent you from achieving your romance goals. Yes, your life needs an overhaul. Make a list, from the easiest task to the most daunting, and start practicing and crossing off the list the easiest ones first. You can then feel good about your proactivity. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

Yep. I'm not a regular coffee shop goer at all but have had many interesting encounters/conversations at Starbucks when I'm traveling and needing a place to spend an hour or two.

[Ryn4]

6 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

What about a foodie group to explore local restaurants for example? Or even a cooking group where you have routine potlucks to try homemade food if you are into cooking classes? Not every hobby has to be competitive or merit-based. Also check if there are toastmaster groups near you - it can be intimidating at first but a great way of building confidence and self-esteem.

Cooking classes are something I'd be interested in because I need to learn how to cook, but they don't even have cooking classes here 😞

[Andrina]

20 minutes ago, Ryn4 said:

I've already decided that I'm going to start going to coffee shops even if it's just to read a book. I guess I'm just constantly worried about making myself look like a creep since that is apparently very easy to do nowadays and also making myself look like a fool.

I'm glad to hear that you'll make that effort. It's not like it should be a place to make cold hit moves on a woman. It's just that sometimes two people vibe in a place, where both notice each other and something is said that sparks a conversation. So just keep putting yourself out in the world and you never knew where it might happen. A friend of mine met her future husband while buying a new car. When driving from one town to another, at a toll booth when I was single, there was no cars behind me and the toll guy was joking around with me and I thought he was cute. If we hadn't lived a ways apart, who knows, we might've exchanged numbers.

You might look into starting a study group for whatever you're majoring in. See if there's a venue you can post that at, and meet in a public place. Are any of your buddies coupled up? If so, tell them to ask their gfs or wives if they have friends you could be introduced to at a group event.

[SophiaG]

30 minutes ago, Ryn4 said:

I've already decided that I'm going to start going to coffee shops even if it's just to read a book. I guess I'm just constantly worried about making myself look like a creep since that is apparently very easy to do nowadays and also making myself look like a fool. I don't want to be know as that guy that talks with woman at someplace, but can never succeed in getting anything going. I remember one of my friends in high school being made fun of because he would try for women and get rejected constantly. I should also mention that I do have guy friends, but we really only have our friend group and that's it. We'll go bowling occasionally, but other than that it's mostly talking on Discord.

To avoid looking like a creep talk to people - women and men - with less romantic/sexual intention but simply to have friendly interactions and socialize. Like making a casual/humorous comment to the next person in line when you wait for your coffee or lunch. The more you talk to strangers the better you'll be at it without feeling awkward. Then when you approach a woman don't immediately ask for their number or ask them out for a date, simply start a conversation and see if they reciprocate your interest or are open to connect even as a friend.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Ryn4 said:

They're not gonna be able to link my up with other younger people. If anything they'll tell me about groups involving other older people. I've seen some meetups on Meetup, but they were geared towards older people and what they were doing I was not interested in.

Okay, I understand. You won't consider anything involving boomers as potentially convertible to a valuable ally.

That sounds like contempt prior to investigation.

Good luck with that. You will need it.