Girlfriend’s male coworker

[SophiaG]

39 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

I understand that.. Like I mentioned I just didn’t want to talk about it at the time , I just wanted to be sure before I made something out of nothing.. Question I had was is it ok for him to text her at night asking if she got home ok? 

I think it can be perfectly innocent. You don't know if they had an earlier conversation about it or if there were recent incidents near where she works. You haven't addressed the money issue - is this a new stressor in her life? Do you similarly work long hours/multiple jobs?

[Kdo11]

54 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I think it can be perfectly innocent. You don't know if they had an earlier conversation about it or if there were recent incidents near where she works. You haven't addressed the money issue - is this a new stressor in her life? Do you similarly work long hours/multiple jobs?

Yes it is a new stresser, I work 1 job but long hours 

[redswim30]

You need to have a talk- leave this co-worker out of it. 

You need to say " I feel like there's been a distance between us lately.  Has something changed?  Have your feelings for me changed in any way?  I need to understand what may be happening and what we can do together to work on it?" 

Nothing changes before you can both be honest with each other and admit that SOMETHING has changed. 

Maybe it's just that the relationship isn't "new" anymore.  Sometimes when people feel 'settled" they naturally stop putting in as much effort. 

Maybe she's overly stressed.  Who knows?  But if you cannot have an honest conversation about this, you have bigger problems than feeling a little distant. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

I understand that.. Like I mentioned I just didn’t want to talk about it at the time , I just wanted to be sure before I made something out of nothing.. Question I had was is it ok for him to text her at night asking if she got home ok? 

Yes I think so but it really depends on what kind of job she has, what's typical in the industry, etc. In my office we have a group text thread -99% of it is for work related texts and once in awhile someone will post something about non-work life -all fun and harmless of course but there's a mix. I strongly believe that if I met with one of my male coworkers- a specific one in mind -and I left our office when it was dark out to take public transportation home he might text me to see if I got home ok - likely as part of a text having to do with what we discussed at the meeting so it would be an add on -but he might text me because most people where I live drive from our office.   I believe he is single  He knows I am married.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/31/2024 at 4:46 PM, TeeDee said:

It could be innocent or it could be something.  

^^This. 

Makes no sense assuming, analyzing, speculating or guessing. 

Either let it go and continue observing or ask her. 

DO address the disconnect between you however, that's the the bigger issue imo. 

 

[Kdo11]

Yea I get it.. I definitely know about the mix in work group chats how sometimes they can go sideways lol.. I think we all have a coworker in mind .. your coworker knows you’re married but that doesn’t stop him? 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

Yea I get it.. I definitely know about the mix in work group chats how sometimes they can go sideways lol.. I think we all have a coworker in mind .. your coworker knows you’re married but that doesn’t stop him? 

Stop him from checking up on me if I'm out sick or wants to know if I got home ok ? I should hope not! I've made many close friends over the years through work -men and women including when I was in a relationship.  Since I've been married I've worked part time for half of our marriage- the other half was SAHM.  I met other dads -some single some married some straight some gay -while I was out and about with my son when he was young -and we became friendly and once in awhile we texted about non-kid stuff or non-logistics as  far as playdates. 

Same with my husband- he's friendly with certain female colleagues and has female friends as I have male friends.  We've had minor discussions over the years when one of us felt a bit off about a certain interaction -but all minor -nothing burgers. Cause we trust and love each other.  Have I ever had a male colleague act inappropriately? Not after I got married but absolutely yes -I mean I've been working close to 30 years of my life.  It happens. Including when I was in relationships.  And I took care of it ASAP.  I mean -assault/harassment/inappropriate comments, etc.  Not checking in to see if I got home ok.  That to me is so very thoughtful.

[Kdo11]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This. 

Makes no sense assuming, analyzing, speculating or guessing. 

Either let it go and continue observing or ask her. 

DO address the disconnect between you however, that's the the bigger issue imo. 

 

I am going to let it go and observe her maybe for another week and see how it goes. I’m just trying to not make something out of nothing when it could be all in my head 

[Kdo11]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Stop him from checking up on me if I'm out sick or wants to know if I got home ok ? I should hope not! I've made many close friends over the years through work -men and women including when I was in a relationship.  Since I've been married I've worked part time for half of our marriage- the other half was SAHM.  I met other dads -some single some married some straight some gay -while I was out and about with my son when he was young -and we became friendly and once in awhile we texted about non-kid stuff or non-logistics as  far as playdates. 

Same with my husband- he's friendly with certain female colleagues and has female friends as I have male friends.  We've had minor discussions over the years when one of us felt a bit off about a certain interaction -but all minor -nothing burgers. Cause we trust and love each other.  Have I ever had a male colleague act inappropriately? Not after I got married but absolutely yes -I mean I've been working close to 30 years of my life.  It happens. Including when I was in relationships.  And I took care of it ASAP.  I mean -assault/harassment/inappropriate comments, etc.  Not checking in to see if I got home ok.  That to me is so very thoughtful.

Ok I totally understand.. I want the trust that we have which is why I don’t want to say anything just yet

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

Question I had was is it ok for him to text her at night asking if she got home ok? 

Yes, she's working a 3 to 11 PM shift. It's common for coworkers to check and ensure that nobody has disappeared on their way home at 11 o'clock at night. It was standard practice when I was in nursing on that shift. In my case, it was an assigned check-in for someone to document.

The question you haven't answered is why she feels a need to work back-to-back full-time jobs.

Whatever has imposed that degree of stress is likely to also impact her ability to relate to her partner in a non-sleep-deprived way. Your targeting of a male coworker seems misplaced given the other stresses you don't appear willing to address here.

[Kdo11]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Yes, she's working a 3 to 11 PM shift. It's common for coworkers to check and ensure that nobody has disappeared on their way home at 11 o'clock at night. It was standard practice when I was in nursing on that shift. In my case, it was an assigned check-in for someone to document.

The question you haven't answered is why she feels a need to work back-to-back full-time jobs.

Whatever has imposed that degree of stress is likely to also impact her ability to relate to her partner in a non-sleep-deprived way. Your targeting of a male coworker seems misplaced given the other stresses you don't appear willing to address here.

She just feels she needs a little extra cash with the holidays coming up.its really a part time job just on weekends .. 

[catfeeder]

56 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

She just feels she needs a little extra cash with the holidays coming up.its really a part time job just on weekends .. 

So glad to hear this. I was concerned that you were overlooking the obvious in terms of extra work hours adding a natural impact to one's ability to relate with a partner or anyone else in a relaxed and typical way. Extra work hours also don't exactly add more opportunities to involve oneself with others socially in a disloyal way.