Girlfriend’s male coworker

[Kdo11]

My girlfriend of 7 years recently got a 2nd job working nights, 3 PM -11 PM . She left her phone on the counter and I saw a text from a male coworker asking her if she got home safe.. I’m not really a jealous guy but recently I been feeling a disconnect between us.. Should I feel threatened by the text ? 

[SophiaG]

Why don't you address the disconnect first? Is she happy in your relationship?

[Kdo11]

Thanks for the reply Sophie.. I been pondering what the disconnect is.I don’t know if it just that there is a disconnect b/c she is tired and exhausted from working 2 jobs .. I do know she hasn’t told me about this coworker yet and he pops up on her social media feed replying to her post . I just know about him b/c I played a little detective work. 

[rainbowsandroses]

41 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

She left her phone on the counter and I saw a text from a male coworker asking her if she got home safe..

So this text from her male co-worker just happened to be open or did she receive it while you were by standing by the counter where she left her phone?  And you checked it? 

Not accusing just trying to get an idea of how you saw this text. 

I dunno my mind drifts to dark places sometimes and I'm wondering if she left her phone there with the text open intentionally for you to see? 

You said there has been a disconnect between you, for how long?  Before she took this job or after? 

I have more thoughts but will wait for you to respond. 

[toreapart]

15 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

Thanks for the reply Sophie.. I been pondering what the disconnect is.I don’t know if it just that there is a disconnect b/c she is tired and exhausted from working 2 jobs .. I do know she hasn’t told me about this coworker yet and he pops up on her social media feed replying to her post . I just know about him b/c I played a little 

That sounds off, to me. Personally that would be enough for me to confront my partner about it. It could very well be nothing, but if they have such a good co- worker relationship, you'd think she would mention this at some point. Maybe just ask hey, so does this co worker have the hots for you?... that way you're not accusing her of anything, and explain you've noticed these things. Her answer to that question should either settle it, or lead to more questions but hopefully not. Good luck. 

[Kdo11]

She left it on the counter where I was doing something and I heard a ding announcing a text and looked and I saw the name so I glanced at it ..I would say disconnect after she got the job but not a 100# sure if I just noticed it more at that time if that makes sense

[Batya33]

Why isn't it just really really thoughtful for her coworker to ask her that? 

[Kdo11]

I wanted to get opinions before I make a big deal out of it .. If I worked with a female coworker yes i would probably say something at work before I left like have a good night and get home safe , but I would never text her late at night asking if she got home safe especially knowing she has a man at home 🤷‍♂️ 

[Batya33]

Just now, Kdo11 said:

I wanted to get opinions before I make a big deal out of it .. If I worked with a female coworker yes i would probably say something at work before I left like have a good night and get home safe , but I would never text her late at night asking if she got home safe especially knowing she has a man at home 🤷‍♂️ 

How do you know he knows, how do you know he knows whether  you are home when she gets home? Maybe he thought of it right then.  Maybe he'd heard there were safety issues cropping up? I am married but when I enter my building in the evening -or more often -very early in the morning - it takes me time to actually get to my actual apartment door and home safe so even if someone knew I had a husband at home and knew he was home it doesn't mean he would know if I got home safely.

[Kdo11]

Yes I do understand both sides of the coin I guess , maybe he doesn’t know. Why hasn’t she told me about this guy, she mentions other people from the job but not him

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Kdo11 said:

Yes I do understand both sides of the coin I guess , maybe he doesn’t know. Why hasn’t she told me about this guy, she mentions other people from the job but not him

My husband doesn't know of the male coworkers with whom I'm acquainted or friendly - he does when it makes sense - sometimes they know the same people he knows for example.  I don't know of all my husband's female coworkers and some call him late in the evening but in his work and career there aren't really set hours of work.  I don't check in as to why they are calling unless it's inconveniently late -I'd do the same for males.

What else is going on -do you trust her generally?

[Kdo11]

I do trust her , I’m 95# sure she wouldn’t do anything while we were together.. Like I mentioned I feel a disconnect between us but not sure if it is coincidental that she started this job and now she has attention from another guy. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Kdo11 said:

I do trust her , I’m 95# sure she wouldn’t do anything while we were together.. Like I mentioned I feel a disconnect between us but not sure if it is coincidental that she started this job and now she has attention from another guy. 

Do you really think attention from some other guy would be enough for her to consider acting inappropriately? I'd focus solely on the disconnect not this guy. 

[TeeDee]

Talk to her.  It could be innocent or it could be something.  

[Kdo11]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you really think attention from some other guy would be enough for her to consider acting inappropriately? I'd focus solely on the disconnect not this guy. 

 

[Kdo11]

Honestly I don’t think so ..  I’m trying to work on the disconnect but treading lightly, don’t want to over react and makes things worse .

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Kdo11 said:

I don’t know if it just that there is a disconnect b/c she is tired and exhausted from working 2 jobs ..

This is the first thing that came to my mind. Who wouldn't be exhausted and suffer a personality change with all these work hours--on top of whatever stresses have caused her a financial need to work the two jobs?

What did cause her a need to do this?

I think you're smart to tread lightly. It sounds like her life is tough enough without her partner implying mistrust over a simple text. I'd possibly mention that I saw the text come in, and I'm glad she has thoughtful coworkers looking out for her when she gets out of work so late at night. 

My goal would be to learn how I can help her rather than suggest she's doing anything wrong. That's far, far too big of a leap with someone you say you DO trust.

[Kdo11]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is the first thing that came to my mind. Who wouldn't be exhausted and suffer a personality change with all these work hours--on top of whatever stresses have caused her a financial need to work the two jobs?

What did cause her a need to do this?

I think you're smart to tread lightly. It sounds like her life is tough enough without her partner implying mistrust over a simple text. I'd possibly mention that I saw the text come in, and I'm glad she has thoughtful coworkers looking out for her when she gets out of work so late at night. 

My goal would be to learn how I can help her rather than suggest she's doing anything wrong. That's far, far too big of a leap with someone you say you DO trust.

Thank you and I agree , tread lightly and be patient.maybe it’s in my head I don’t know .  Another problem I think would come out of telling her I saw a text come in , she may think I purposely checked her phone and that could open up a big can of worms ..

[Kdo11]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My husband doesn't know of the male coworkers with whom I'm acquainted or friendly - he does when it makes sense - sometimes they know the same people he knows for example.  I don't know of all my husband's female coworkers and some call him late in the evening but in his work and career there aren't really set hours of work.  I don't check in as to why they are calling unless it's inconveniently late -I'd do the same for males.

What else is going on -do you trust her generally?

 

[redswim30]

Don't worry about this co-worker.  He is not your problem. 

The problem is your disconnect.  Can you explain how you are disconnected?  Are you not talking? 

Are you feeling a lack of affection?  What do you feel has changed? Have you talked about this? 

We really have to know what disconnect means to you to get a better idea of what advice to give you.

[Andrina]

Do you or do you not have relationship rules about opposite sex friends and giving out phone numbers to new friends, whether co-worker or not, of the opposite sex?

If there are no rules, then what would you say to her about this text that doesn't spotlight any sign of an affair. But I can see you aren't liking what you see as a closeness in their communication which you recently see lacking between you and her.

So that second job is a full 8 hours. How many hours in total is she now working, and why? Is there some financial hardships going on with you two? Just curious as to why she's still your gf after 7 years. Did you two decide marriage isn't important? That's fine if that's a mutual decision. I'm just wondering to get a fuller picture of your life together. How old are you two?

Basically, no detective work is necessary as secrets eventually come to light. As alluded to, the best way to prevent emotional affairs in a relationship is to make sure your relationship is solid. It's good to have a "state of the union" talk every once in while by asking questions like, "Is there anything you'd like improved in our relationship?" If a spark is missing, you could also start a new hobby together, like taking dance lessons, a potter class, or just try new things you don't commonly do like hiking in a park you've never visited. 

Normally, someone having an affair keeps there phone away from a partner. She left it screen up on the counter and walked away. Doesn't sound like she's hiding anything. Anyway, good luck and keep us in the loop.

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication 

 

And why the 2nd job?

[Kdo11]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Don't worry about this co-worker.  He is not your problem. 

The problem is your disconnect.  Can you explain how you are disconnected?  Are you not talking? 

Are you feeling a lack of affection?  What do you feel has changed? Have you talked about this? 

We really have to know what disconnect means to you to get a better idea of what advice to give you.

We are talking about general things like we always do but not as our relationship things..definitely feeling lack of affection and lack of sex. we have not talked about this. I m trying to gauge and tread lightly with out jumping the gun and making this a trust factor as she would definitely think I don’t trust her.

[shouldhavelearned]

Until you talk about it.... it's going to be in the back of your mind and ruin things.

[Kdo11]

2 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Until you talk about it.... it's going to be in the back of your mind and ruin things.

I understand that.. Like I mentioned I just didn’t want to talk about it at the time , I just wanted to be sure before I made something out of nothing.. Question I had was is it ok for him to text her at night asking if she got home ok?