A bit of a woozie

[BobODK]

Hello, id like to start off saying that we are both living in a war torn country but it has gotten allot worse last month.
(please excuse my English as it's not my first language)

My (20M) GF(19F) Have been in a relationship for a little more than 2 years, at the start of our relationship we both had set our boundaries. I was to not talk to any girl other than her, (which in hindsight bit me back) I did not ask her to stop talking to her friends (which most of them were boys) but she insisted on cutting all communications with them.

We were happy for the most part, a fight here, an argument there, normal couple stuff. the change started a year into our relationship, she asked me to give her time for herself and also allow her to talk to her friends again (which i never said no to), I of course agreed without hesitation, I love this girl to death and id do anything to keep her smiling.

Id like to mention I was never the type of guy who made friends, i was brought up in an abusive household, my dad was a narcissist who never took care of me and my brother, while my mother tried her best to shield us from his abusive words and mind-games he played on us, alas she had enough of me and i was homeless for a couple of weeks until i was allowed back into the house (I was 15 at the time). My social skills were never given the proper care to prosper, I was left without a shoulder to cry on or anyone to take care of me. Allot of you will probably think i should've just man upped but this was my juvenile doped up on amphetamine self.

Back to the topic at hand, with my girlfriend leaving me alone for most of the day and me having nobody to talk to, id like to think it was beneficial for me, i was able reconnect with myself, realizing what went wrong in my life and how i couldn't change any of what happened and the only way now is forward and trying my best to take care of the only person that i care for; my girlfriend.

The big problems started about 4 or 5 months ago, My girlfriend suddenly started giving me the cold shoulder and i felt like she wasn't as happy as she was before, I asked her if anything was going on or if i did something to upset her, she replied with a cold "nothing is wrong" I thought to myself that this was just one of her mood swings and she'll be back to her old happy self.

Oh how wrong was I, it just kept going downhill from there, more cold stares and dry texts. I knew something very wrong was going on but i couldn't pin point what I could of have done, taking her out on dates was starting to become less and less fun, it felt more of a chore, a job i had to do, but i still loved her, she was the only beam of sunshine in my life, the only thing keeping me going, I woke up everyday and went on my day fueled ONLY by the sheer thought of seeing her again.

This kept going on for the next three months up until mid September (the war developed allot and it was a very scary and stressful situation), She texted me the dreadful "we need to talk" text, we spoke and she told me the reason why she wasn't being herself, I was not giving her enough attention and not caring as much for our relationship as before, she asked for a break for now. 

I was devastated, i cried and bawled my eyes out, the only person I truly cared for in my life was asking me to let go of them, it felt like everything we built together, all the memories, good or bad that we had, was it all for nothing? I thought she was going to be the one, she took care of me like nobody ever did. Now she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

I begged for another chance, i told her id make everything right again, I clinged on like my life depended on it, which I felt like it did in the heat of the moment. She agreed to give me another chance, i couldn't be happier.

A month and a week has passed since then, she's still in the same depressive cold state as before. The war took a massive hit on our mental health, (constant airstrikes and sonic booms caused by fighter jets flying over us) I am not able to take her out on dates as much anymore, for our safety.

I didn't know where to put this part but, I've always bought her the highest quality most expensive gifts i could buy with what little money i could save up, countless pieces of jewelry, approximating over 2000 US dollars. point is, I've always gotten her stuff out of the blue, last week i bought her a new gaming chair, I called her asking if i could pass by for just a minute to show her something really important. To my surprise, she completely blew up in my face calling me names and cussing me over the phone. I felt really sad and devastated as there was a really short supply of these specific chairs, and it took a week of planning to be able to get the chair. She said that she will not accept any gifts from me until atleast Christmas or some actual reason (????????)

... again back to the topic at hand, I am always caring for her emotions and needs and anything i could help out with but it just feels like an endless loop of her being sad and depressed everyday, Its really doing a number on my mental health, I just cant see myself standing upright with all this weight on my shoulders, (I work full time and enrolled in college) I feel too scared to talk to her about my feelings as i feel like she has enough of problems on her plate.

I have no friends to talk to, no family to rely on, I just feel so alone. for a while i slept next to a loaded shotgun and every night i fought the urge of painting my walls and being done with it. I have locked the weapon away as i reasoned with myself.

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry you're struggling.  What do you get out of being with such a controlling person? Are you that worried about being alone that you try to buy her approval, her love? You realize the more you act like a doormat- tolerate her coldness, her lack of respect -and respond by buying her stuff -the less she is going to respect you.  I'm also not sure why you agreed to cut off communication with friends just because they are female.  Sounds like unfortunately what was familiar to you in childhood and I'm so sorry you had a hard childhood - is what you are now picking -same kind of person -in a partner. Do you have access  to mental health resources for yourself?

[TeeDee]

You are in an untenable situation stuck in the middle of a war zone.  That will take a huge toll on anybody.  

I'm glad you put the shotgun away.  Taking your own life is not the answer. 

Can you access any tele-health mental health service on your phone?  

Try talking to your GF.  She is operating under a mis-perceptions, the biggest one being that you don't care.  Ask what would make her feel loved & appreciated.  To the extent you can, do those things for her.  Talk about what you need from her.  This can't be a one way street. 

Since you are enrolled in school, do try to make friends with your classmates.  Join a club that interests you.  Ask the person sitting next to you if they want to study.  Make the effort to widen your social circle. 

Be safe amid all the chaos  

[ShySoul]

First and foremost, glad you put the shotgun away. No matter the hurt, ending your life is not the solution. I've been in that place of wanting to be done with it all. I know how lonely it feels, like there is no point in anything. But there is always hope and always a reason to continue. Your life is important and means something. Even if you aren't sure what that meaning or purpose is right now, you will one day. And if you need a friend or someone to talk to, I'll extend my hand anytime you'd like.

The hardest thing to understand when we love someone is that we can't always be there for that person. We can give them the world - physical gifts, physical touch, emotional support, etc. We can do everything right and be by their side throughout everything. But they have to work out their own issues for themselves.

Whatever she is going through, she has to figure out her own. She needs to get to the heart of what is bothering her. I don't think it's that you aren't showing her enough attention. You clearly love her and are trying to be there for her. I think that's an excuse to hide behind. The war, depression, possible some issues from her past... something is putting her in a bad mood and she is struggling to resolve it.

All you can do is let her know you love her and care for her. Let you know you are there for if she needs anything. Ask her what she does need from you and what you can do to help her. Listen to her and be prepared to do it.

And most of all, stay safe. Focus on your own studies and job. Take care of your mental health. You can't help her if you are depleted yourself.

[smackie9]

You can't buy love....she doesn't want material things, she just wants some normalcy. Your attention, and acts of romance is what she needs. To feel desired, supported, to know everything will be OK. Communication is key.