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Thank you for reading. Last weekend I got reconnected with an old flame from 12 yrs ago. We decided to meet up & learned we both just ended 10 yr relationships with a narcissist. However he just divorced his, I was luckily not married to mine. So we went to his place & did alot more talking & then kissing turned into a full weekend of mind-blowing sex. My Ex deprived me of sex, so I welcomed it. In between we talked & wished we had stayed together all those years ago. But we didn't know any better. We meet up Friday night, then on Saturday he texted that he wanted to see me again. So 2 nights of pure bliss. Texted him Sunday night, good luck with his job interviews and he thanked me. 

Today is Tuesday and it bothers me that he hasn't reached out since. He does have his 2 kids this week, as he picked them up Sunday. So I know he's very busy. And he is freshly divorced. He's a guy that has always liked relationships, girlfriends vs multiple women, etc. We've establishment that we will have more time together & he plans to come over when the kids go back to mom's. 

Again I was just with an ex who did not treat me well & made me feel I did many things wrong. So I'm afraid to text him and overstep, or make him feel pressured into talking. Should I be worried that I haven't heard from him?

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You mean you haven't heard from him since Sunday so almost two days?

He could be simply busy/distracted or maybe he wasn't planning to reach out again. Did he express at any point he wanted to date you or get back into a relationship with you? I'm sure the weekend was amazing but if you two are both fresh out of 10-year relationships it may not be the best time to start a new relationship. I wouldn't see texting him as "overstepping" though - maybe ask how the interviews went and when he'll have time to meet again?

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Well, you know he's 1) alive 2) he's breathing 3) he's ok.

Reaching out to him might give you an answer…or it might not.  Reaching out is hard too because now you're worried about him ignoring you, too.

I think the best way to handle this is to give him a couple of days. Since he has his kids this week, he's probably playing catch up with them. And there's other things in his life that he has to attend to.

Sometimes after you've spent 2 nights in pure bliss, there's also a reality check. 

This isn't the time for you to reach out to him like you're a couple because that's what you want. He's literally at the beginning of a very long process. And he's turning to the person he was with when he was happy. You. Sexually.

I know you're feeling vulnerable. Just because he has not texted you back yet, doesn't mean he won't. 

Don't give him the power to make you feel good OR bad until you get to know who he is again. You're very much attuned to his feelings right now because in happiness and vulnerability, you want someone else's approval to feel ok...

It's great that you had a wonderful weekend together, but you both have a lot of individual healing to do before jumping into a relationship again. 

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Not exactly. We only agreed that he will come to my place next time and cook dinner together. It's presumed this is sometime after his kids are gone, we didn't establish a date. So he didn't say "I'll get in touch with you".... neither of us claimed who will reach out next.But I'm going to give him a couple more days because he's still getting used to the single dad thing and I don't want to overwhelm him. We agreed on seeing eachother again, so I'm happy about that. Guess I just want to know he's thinking about me in the meantime. But I will give him more time. 

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1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

You mean you haven't heard from him since Sunday so almost two days?

He could be simply busy/distracted or maybe he wasn't planning to reach out again. Did he express at any point he wanted to date you or get back into a relationship with you? I'm sure the weekend was amazing but if you two are both fresh out of 10-year relationships it may not be the best time to start a new relationship. I wouldn't see texting him as "overstepping" though - maybe ask how the interviews went and when he'll have time to meet again?

We only got far enough to discuss that he will be coming to my place for dinner next time. He was laid off recently & feeling down about it. He is actively looking for a new job. So I doubt he feels in a place to say he wants to "date" me, but we definitely agreed that we want to see eachother again. We agreed that we make eachother feel good. We did mention something about going out when he gets a job, but we didn't go into detail. 

I'm just being insecure because my Ex always gave me reasons to feel that way. We agreed that we were both very happy this happened between us, over the weekend. I do not think he would ignore me if I text, I know he'd respond, I just wish he would go first, lol. I need assurance that he's thinking about me, and he probably is, he could feel insecure as well & also not sure what to do. Whatever the case, I'm going to give him a couple more days. It would just be nice if he asks how my day went. Wouldn't have to be anything fancy. But he also may not want to have conversations with me in front of his kids, right now. That's understandable. So I'll just wait more, lol. Thanks

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2 hours ago, toreapart said:

Should I be worried that I haven't heard from him?

 

Look, it's very simple: he very well knows your phone number and opts not to contact you. No point in assuming why he didn't call. It is what it is. 

The philosopher Marcus Aurelius said something like that: our overthinking and assuming always be way worse than the real reason ever be.Most of the time other people's actions are not about us at all.

No point in dwelling on other people's actions which are not in your control. 

If he wants, he'll contact you, if not, get the hint and move on. Simple really.

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Two children, looking for work, just divorced...equals a person with much on his plate and may be busy. Two days feels like longer then it is. Add in your extra sensitivity from your last relationship, and its reasonable you feel this way. 

Try not to compare him, or anyone else, to your past situation. The person and relationship will be different. Take things as they come and appreciate what is happening in the moment. See this guy for who he is, not what someone else has conditioned you to expect.

If you want to call, call. If you want to see him, ask to see him. People spend so much time waiting on the other to make a move. Why not just ask yourself and spend the time together or making plans instead of wondering and feeling insecure? And if you really need him to make first moves, then when you do get together, talk about that. Each side should just be clear and honest with how they are feeling and where they are at. Then you work together to figure what works for both of you.

You were able to spend a weekend talking, kissing, and having sex. Calling to talk and see how he is wouldn't be overstepping, given you did a lot more then that. You said yourself he would be okay with it. You said you make each other feel good. So why wouldn't you want to call, talk, and continue to make each other feel good?

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10 hours ago, toreapart said:

Thank you for reading. Last weekend I got reconnected with an old flame from 12 yrs ago. We decided to meet up & learned we both just ended 10 yr relationships with a narcissist. However he just divorced his, I was luckily not married to mine. So we went to his place & did alot more talking & then kissing turned into a full weekend of mind-blowing sex. My Ex deprived me of sex, so I welcomed it. In between we talked & wished we had stayed together all those years ago. But we didn't know any better. We meet up Friday night, then on Saturday he texted that he wanted to see me again. So 2 nights of pure bliss. Texted him Sunday night, good luck with his job interviews and he thanked me. 

Today is Tuesday and it bothers me that he hasn't reached out since. He does have his 2 kids this week, as he picked them up Sunday. So I know he's very busy. And he is freshly divorced. He's a guy that has always liked relationships, girlfriends vs multiple women, etc. We've establishment that we will have more time together & he plans to come over when the kids go back to mom's. 

Again I was just with an ex who did not treat me well & made me feel I did many things wrong. So I'm afraid to text him and overstep, or make him feel pressured into talking. Should I be worried that I haven't heard from him?

What did you two discuss as far as your intentions for the future with each other? You already know him well it seems so if you didn't have this discussion assume he had an awesome time with you and you with him -cherish the memories -and if he wants to follow through and confirm the plan he suggested, he will.  He has a life, he is likely thinking about all his options now that he's freshly divorced and often people in his situation with kids aren't ready to jump into something remotely serious.  Also it sounds like the tentative plan was for him to come over -is there a reason you didn't talk about planning actual dates/activities to do together?

Also just like you welcomed sex with him because you felt deprived by your ex maybe he was similarly motivated meaning thefact that it was you wasn't as important as the fact that it was great sex after going without for a long time.

Let him live his life -obviously his kids come first and  they likely are getting used to their world being rocked and shook up -at least assume that.  

If he confirms a plan then you decide whether it's  to hang out at your house/likely have sex or perhaps suggest an activity in a public place and perhaps talk specifically about what you want -clearly if you are worried not to hear from him you want this to be more like proper dating with potential for a relationship, right?

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An assumption that we must be tethered to a person in constant contact causes more anxiety than any other thing in the world. Pull back on that, and allow this man to show you his rhythm. He's living his life outside of the great bubble the two of you shared. That thing had to pop in order for the real world to resume. That's not a reflection on you.

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Agree with catfeeder.  

Backing up a bit will show you a few things: (1) How he sees singlehood, (2) how he sees raising kids on his own, and (3) how he chooses to use this time to pick up where he left off with you after 12+ years...

Give him the opportunity to reconnect with you in his own way. It's a good sign that he has already mentioned future plans with you, but it's important to let him reach out and initiate things at his own pace.

This will give you a better understanding of where he's at emotionally and allow the relationship to unfold naturally. 

I would also be mindful that if he doesn't have a job and is coming over to your place again (did you offer that or did he suggest those plans?), that being at your place rather than outside activities may feel like too much vulnerability squeezed into a situation that he may not want to get ahead of himself.

The other part of your story that struck me was that he chose to have sexual relations already, without real investment - from what you have described. Now, you're scared that you haven't heard from him. 

Do you see where this could be headed? Jumping ship immediately from one long term relationship, to rebounding into a new one, all without addressing the issues from mid-decade until now?

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2 hours ago, yogacat said:

Agree with catfeeder.  

Backing up a bit will show you a few things: (1) How he sees singlehood, (2) how he sees raising kids on his own, and (3) how he chooses to use this time to pick up where he left off with you after 12+ years...

Give him the opportunity to reconnect with you in his own way. It's a good sign that he has already mentioned future plans with you, but it's important to let him reach out and initiate things at his own pace.

This will give you a better understanding of where he's at emotionally and allow the relationship to unfold naturally. 

I would also be mindful that if he doesn't have a job and is coming over to your place again (did you offer that or did he suggest those plans?), that being at your place rather than outside activities may feel like too much vulnerability squeezed into a situation that he may not want to get ahead of himself.

The other part of your story that struck me was that he chose to have sexual relations already, without real investment - from what you have described. Now, you're scared that you haven't heard from him. 

Do you see where this could be headed? Jumping ship immediately from one long term relationship, to rebounding into a new one, all without addressing the issues from mid-decade until now?

Over the weekend he promised to "come to me" next time, as in driving to me. So I suggested he can come over for dinner next time & he happily accepted that idea. This will likely be sometime next week after he takes the kids back. I'm sure we'll figure that out when the time comes. I didn't want to suggest an outing of any sort for the financial factor. Given he's still looking for work, having him over for dinner just sounds like an easy, pressure free idea. 

And I also went into the sex without any investment. So I can't judge him for that. But in the the end we found ourselves feeling happier than we imagined or expected. It was all a pleasant surprise. 

But yes it's back to reality in the meantime... tomorrow is Halloween & it's a busy week for him, so I'm holding off on contact until Friday, ask how his week went, and address our dinner plans then. That plan feels like the safe way to go. Meantime I just fight off the insecurities & anxiety that my Ex gave me & tell myself I don't have a reason to feel that way. 

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Talk to him. Communicate with him. Letting it sit on the backburner will just cause more anxiety in your head. There is no harm in sending him a message letting you know you are thinking of him or hope he is doing well. It would probably be greeting with open arms and get a response, starting a conversation that can continue until you can meet in person. Some communication is perferrable to nothing and the endless loop of questions that would follow. It also allows you to really start connecting again, so you can both be assured there is something real and that it isn't just rushing in.

Don't go with his rhythm. Don't go with your rhythm. Find the unique rhythm that the two of you share. Find that balance that works for both of you. It might take some time, but you will get there.

Try not to stress or overthing. Try not to think there is someway this has to go, or things that either side need to do. Go where things naturally take you and have fun with it. If you found solace and comfort, fun and enjoyment with each other, then it's probably what you needed at the time. And both of you are willing to continue, so it's not something to be concerned about. Just take it as it comes and communicate with each other, making sure you are both on the same page and wanting the same things.

You will do great and I hope things work out.

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19 hours ago, toreapart said:

 Should I be worried that I haven't heard from him?

Worried no.  Concerned, maybe. 

Sometimes the fact that we have the technological ability to stay connected 24/7/365 makes it feel like we are obligated to do so.  That is simply not true.  Way back when -- like the dark ages of the 1980s & before -- it was not uncommon to go a WHOLE WEEK between talking to a new person.  Especially since he has his kids, assume he has no time.  

You have a tentative next plan. Given his unemployment he really isn't in a place to date.  Between the divorce & no job, his self esteem probably is in the toilet.  

I'd send a Happy Halloween text. If you particularly fetching in your costume you can send him a selfie but nothing too risqué.   If you don't hear from him after that by next Tuesday well, then write him off. 

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5 hours ago, toreapart said:

And I also went into the sex without any investment. So I can't judge him for that. But in the the end we found ourselves feeling happier than we imagined or expected. It was all a pleasant surprise. 

And why did you do that, sex without investment, when now you're wondering why he is not initiating? Anyway, I hope you hear back from him and have a lovely dinner. 😍

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21 hours ago, toreapart said:

I just fight off the insecurities & anxiety that my Ex gave me

This is the 3rd time you've mentioned your emotional baggage. Really, you need to do some reading about how to ditch emotional baggage. Gets tired to lug that around everywhere you go. Gives control to another person to dictate how you feel. It's also unhealthy to bring that into a new relationship, and gives it a lower chance of succeeding.

After a decade of not dating, it's clear you're out of practice in how to go about doing so wisely. Even as you once knew this guy many moons ago, you went into this with too many assumptions and probably let the nostalgia give you a false sense of initial confidence about an instant relationship.

As much as you miss sex and enjoy it, the gift of your body is something important and the act can make a woman want to bond with a man even if he's not good for her. (The hormones released in a woman's body are more excessive than what's released in a man's body during sex). IMO, it's wiser to keep the first 3 or 4 dates outside of the home to see if a date wants to get to know you besides having the ultimate goal/desire of bedding you.

Another mistake you made is to spend too much time together at the very beginning. I know that spark is exciting, but it's best to keep dates spaced at once or twice a week but not two overnighters in a row. Too much too soon, which is why he might be seeking space right now, even if he was the one to initiate and allow all that time together.

Even though you had sex twice, you're acting like he's already your bf and expect all the things a bf should be doing, with communication that is timely and regular. He's not obligated at this stage. 

I'm telling you all this not to make you feel bad. It's so you can perhaps do things differently in any future dating so that you guard your heart at the beginning and to date in a way that will be in your best interest.

Though you mentioned dinner, if he does in fact get in touch, I'd tell him you changed your mind and let him know you want to meet outside of your home and hit an ice cream shop or some other cheap or free venue. If you two go to your place, it will end up in sex again which I think is a bad idea. Don't you want to determine if he's into getting to know you versus sex being his only goal?

And I wouldn't text or call him again. You made the effort last. Waiting to see whether or not a love interest gives his own effort is the best way to gauge his true interest. When you don't wait for him to initiate, wasting your time will happen as he might find it less awkward to reply to you, although he would've preferred to let you fade away if he's just not that into you.

You're acting like you want him at all costs and are yearning for his attention. How about having a wait-and-see attitude, knowing you're the treasure and you will only accept a guy worthy of you. Doesn't that take time to see? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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22 hours ago, toreapart said:

Meantime I just fight off the insecurities & anxiety that my Ex gave me & tell myself I don't have a reason to feel that way. 

Have you ever worked with a counselor since your ex? Probably a good idea. The insecurities come from within, and someone else can't alleviate those for you, it's an inside job. Counselors can give you tools for this. Contact your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a woman's counselor who specializes in abuse.

As for anxiety, one trick I've found helpful is to avoid talking myself deeper into it. I can't do that by denying how I feel or telling myself that I don't have a reason or a right to feel how I feel. The body won't put up with that, it's reacting how it reacts--but I can do the opposite of feed it. Instead, I tell myself that I'm proud of how I'm handling this. I'm doing the best I know how in this moment, but now I want to see if I can do even better. That sets me up to do some relaxation techniques. I keep telling myself how well I'm doing and that I'm impressed with how strong I am.

Head high, you can do this.

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4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Have you ever worked with a counselor since your ex? Probably a good idea. The insecurities come from within, and someone else can't alleviate those for you, it's an inside job. Counselors can give you tools for this. Contact your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a woman's counselor who specializes in abuse.

As for anxiety, one trick I've found helpful is to avoid talking myself deeper into it. I can't do that by denying how I feel or telling myself that I don't have a reason or a right to feel how I feel. The body won't put up with that, it's reacting how it reacts--but I can do the opposite of feed it. Instead, I tell myself that I'm proud of how I'm handling this. I'm doing the best I know how in this moment, but now I want to see if I can do even better. That sets me up to do some relaxation techniques. I keep telling myself how well I'm doing and that I'm impressed with how strong I am.

Head high, you can do this.

Ever since cutting off my Ex, that alone has helped alot. It's a sense of relief that I don't have to be a victim of his mind games anymore, that he can't control me anymore. I don't miss him anymore, etc. I am proud of myself for all those things. I know I deserve better now. But there is still a matter of expecting every guy to be like him, to be treated like he treated me. So where anxiety comes from & the part I need to work on. It's hard to trust new people. This guy probably has the same trust issues. We were both cheated on, treated terribly. So I think since we knew eachother before and were intimate before, that we both felt a degree of trust & comfort with eachother, along with having needs, so the rest unfolded for those reasons, I think. We talked and agreed our weekend together was very good for both us, not just physically but also mentally. So if that's all it amounts to, it's not a bad thing. However I would like to see where this can go, so my issue is being afraid to screw it up...because according to my Ex I was always doing or saying something wrong. I was always apologizing & kissing his behind to make things right. When in reality he was the one treating me wrong & owed apology. I have in fact been to therapy because of him in the past. But now I feel like my only real therapy is moving on & letting other people treat me how I deserve. This guy pampered me to death & told me how wonderful I am, etc, and just being with him was therapy. Except that makes me want more of it. 

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5 hours ago, toreapart said:

This guy pampered me to death & told me how wonderful I am, etc, and just being with him was therapy. Except that makes me want more of it. 

He pampered you during a very short period of time and you gave him access to your body and lovemaking etc.  He might continue to be a person who shows he cares but this is just a blip on the radar and early days. Also ask yourself why you want to be pampered and petted and complimented -I mean sure sometimes but really? As a steady diet - that sounds like -a lot.  Please don't expect him to overcompensate for your ex by doing full throttle pampering.  

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6 hours ago, toreapart said:

 my issue is being afraid to screw it up...because according to my Ex I was always doing or saying something wrong. I was always apologizing & kissing his behind to make things right. When in reality he was the one treating me wrong & owed apology. 

Look you had a fun weekend of great sex.  You said it yourself, if that is all this amounts to you are OK.  You are an adult & you chose to have sex.  Yea you! 

All of the garbage from your unhealthy relationship with your EX is screwing with your head.  Relax.  Be confident that you are worth the effort.  As I said before, this unemployed guy who is relatively fresh out of a divorce may not have the bandwidth or be in the right head space to have a relationship with you right now.  Don't push.  It might not be meant to be.  

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7 hours ago, toreapart said:

...so my issue is being afraid to screw it up...because according to my Ex I was always doing or saying something wrong. I was always apologizing & kissing his behind to make things right.

Yeah, this is the stuff that counseling can help you to unravel. It's wrapped too tight and twice around. First because you bought into it in the first place, and secondly, now even after you adopted the pride to leave that guy (congrAts!), you're still doing your ex's number on your own head.

That doesn't make you bad or 'wrong,' it's just conditioning that's difficult to treat on your own, and it will keep you walking on eggshells far longer than necessary. This doesn't mean you'll need to invest tons of money to get help. There are resources available for women who've suffered this kind of abuse that are not generally known to the public for safety reasons. So start with your local hospital for a referral. Or, consider contacting a university with a PhD or PsyD program. They offer low cost to no cost counseling by their doctoral candidates who are highly trained and well supervised.

Head high!

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18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He pampered you during a very short period of time and you gave him access to your body and lovemaking etc.  He might continue to be a person who shows he cares but this is just a blip on the radar and early days. Also ask yourself why you want to be pampered and petted and complimented -I mean sure sometimes but really? As a steady diet - that sounds like -a lot.  Please don't expect him to overcompensate for your ex by doing full throttle pampering.  

I needed pampering, etc because my ex deprived me of all that for the last 2 years. I was barely touched or made to feel good. I was to the point of having very low self esteem because of him. So this weekend was everything I've needed. I pampered him, too and he loved it. It's not that I need a relationship to be that way 24/7. It was nice to have someone return my affection and let me give the same. It was nice to have the equal give & take. So that's what makes me want more of him. It's not because I want or need to be put on a pedestal all the time, but I'm certain he would do that much more than my Ex did. 

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