Help with vicious ex

[SonicYouth]

Hi y’all, I need help. I’m beyond upset right now at my interactions with my ex-wife. We’ve been separated for over five years now, and our interactions have become intolerable recently. We have a 9-year-old daughter whom we co-parent. By way of background, it’s hard for me to admit as a man, but I was emotionally abused (via gaslighting, constant criticism, etc.) over the course of our 14-year relationship and 6-year marriage and broken down to a shell of a man.

Since our split, I’ve become more secure and happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve consciously decided to remain single, have dedicated my entire life to caring for my daughter (and in a place where I have no family or connections), have improved my career and financial security dramatically, and—by way of reading hundreds of books—have really developed a personal philosophy in which I feel secure.

My ex (who cheated on me to end the marriage) has grown increasingly vicious in our limited interactions. She claims that I’m awkward and rude in my interactions with her and her new partner (with whom she cheated on me) even though I go out of my way to be gracious. She claims that I’ve become a bitter and unpleasant person that no one likes to be around, implying that her family (with whom I remain close) doesn’t like me anymore. I can’t emphasize this enough: This isn’t a two-sided discussion. Her claims about my behavior are utterly false. This is extreme gaslighting. Even though I know that, it still hurts, because she’s attacking the core of how I see myself. 

She recently had a baby with her new partner and moved into a new house. Is she unhappy and taking it out on me in some twisted psychological projection because she can see I’m happy without her and not failing? Is this some sort of psychological outburst because she can’t admit the wrongs she’s committed? I am shocked at the cruelty and, frankly, sickness of her behavior. But I still can’t write it off as “oh, she’s just crazy.” I’m posting here because I need an outside opinion stat. Thank you for any insight.

[TeeDee]

You have to write it off as she's just crazy because this is her gaslighting you again.  Everything she accuses you of is a mirror for who she is.  

Send good thoughts (& prayers of that is your thing) for the new baby.  Do what you need to do to foster a relationship between your daughter & her new step sibling but otherwise ignore what your EX is saying

[Seraphim]

Just ignore her and concentrate on your daughter . 

[catfeeder]

Why participate in these discussions with ex, at all?

If they happen in the context of picking up or dropping off your daughter, that's not a great environment for your daughter. I'd find a better way.

Your ex enjoys an old habit of being cruel to you. I'd stop giving her that opportunity.

[redswim30]

Just ignore her.   I wouldn't even respond.  Or if you feel compelled to, I would use phrases like " well, that's your opinion."  or " We clearly don't see eye to eye"

We cannot control what other people say about us or how they view us. 

Believe me, I get your frustration.  Myself and my husband, this is both of our second marriages.  Both of our first spouses love to spout falsehoods about us to others or say completely untrue things out of anger. 

Maybe it is unhappiness, but who cares?  Things are how they are.   You'll be a lot happier when you realize you can't control what other people think, feel or say about you, even if it's ridiculously untrue. 

There's a phrase that has helped me a lot in life  " Every people, people that barely know or even that know you well, have versions of you that are completely inaccurate in their heads."  

This all really says way more about her than it does about you.  Brush it off and let it go. 

[Starlight925]

You're still choosing to participate in her behavior.

You're remaining in victim mode because you're allowing this.

Stop allowing it.

Simply focus on logistics only, regarding your daughter.  Pick her up at X time, drop her off at Y time.  Use a 3rd party app if need be to limit contact to almost zero.

Period.