Wife saw pictures of another woman in my phone

[DJay]

So i am 43, Ive been married for 5 years, and been with my wife (38yrs) for 9. We have 3 kids 19, 16, & 2. The last we have together, the older are stepkids. Our relationship isnt perfect, but i know we love each other. I made a big mistake and took a screenshot of another woman in my phone and she saw it.  She reacted as anyone would expect. I view porn at times, but this was not that type of picture. I don't really know what i can say or do at this point. Im not cheating on her, but the woman in the picture is a friend of mine that i do have a secret crush on, but I have not taken any physical action on it (i doubt she even knows i have a crush on her.). I wouldnt want to jeopardize my marriage in that way, yet here we are. Looking for advice if there is any at all on how to fix this if possible. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, DJay said:

Im not cheating on her, but the woman in the picture is a friend of mine that i do have a secret crush on

That is the literal definition of emotional cheating. Just because you didnt try anything with that woman, doesnt mean you dont want to. So, she is right to be mad at you for stuff like that.

1 hour ago, DJay said:

Looking for advice if there is any at all on how to fix this if possible. 

Have you tried marriage counseling? It might entangle why you yearn your friend instead of your wife and how you can fix that situation.

[shouldhavelearned]

You wouldn't want to jeopardize the marriage and yet you took a picture of another woman.

Man, wake up

There are some issues in your marriage that need addressing.

[Batya33]

I think you did this deliberately to get in "trouble" without having to make a hard decision about what to do - meaning work on your marriage and see if the crush faded or be up front with your wife and  tell her you wanted to end things because you were unhappy.  You know better.  Especially since you have teenagers who likely live in their phones so you've taught them how to be appropriate with what/who they photograph.  It's also violative of this other woman's privacy.  

I think you have to tell her you are sorry and what  you plan to do to make sure this doesn't happen again meaning  you making choices that are inconsistent with you being a married man. Obviously you two aren't ok with the other taking screenshots of people you find attractive so you can gaze at the photos with lust. Tell her what you plan to do -whether that's reading books, seeking out counseling from your place of worship or professionally, etc.  Ask her what she wants in return.

[DJay]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is the literal definition of emotional cheating. Just because you didnt try anything with that woman, doesnt mean you dont want to. So, she is right to be mad at you for stuff like that.

Have you tried marriage counseling? It might entangle why you yearn your friend instead of your wife and how you can fix that situation.

I was and still would be open to marriage counseling. I have brought it up a few times before when we have had some other issues previously. She actualy would get angry when I would suggest it and she doesn't feel it would solve anything. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, DJay said:

I was and still would be open to marriage counseling. I have brought it up a few times before when we have had some other issues previously. She actualy would get angry when I would suggest it and she doesn't feel it would solve anything. 

Yes I understand it  takes two.  I would act in the best interests of your child as far as whether you choose to stay married or co-parent.  Put your  toddler's interests first.

[TeeDee]

Apologize to your wife.  Delete the photo in front of her.  Get her some flowers.  Yes that is a cliche & no it won't fix much but it's a gesture.   Then sit down & really talk to your wife.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, DJay said:

I was and still would be open to marriage counseling. I have brought it up a few times before when we have had some other issues previously. She actualy would get angry when I would suggest it and she doesn't feel it would solve anything. 

Say that you want to make things right but that you need to go to marriage counseling to fix some things. Its not really a solution to stay in marriage but to yearn another woman that is not your wife.  Yes I understand that its not solely on you. But if you want this marriage to stay, you would need to go through counseling and fix some things.

[smackie9]

Apologize, Like "I am so sorry I hurt you like this. I take full accountability that what I did was not appropriate." "I am willing to work through this any way I can." 

[Andrina]

On 10/28/2024 at 11:51 PM, DJay said:

but the woman in the picture is a friend of mine that i do have a secret crush on,

How is this woman a friend of yours? Do you do things one-on-one? Regularly communicate by phone? Is she also a friend of your wife's? Is she your co-worker?

Likely, for the success of your marriage, you should either end the friendship altogether, or create distance in a way that your wife is happy with and will serve to lessen and end your crush. I don't know the situation, so not knowing this, I'm throwing out more than one solution.

You do have control of your mind and actions, so you should be putting up boundaries for the good of your marriage. Some people who are missing an emotional connection with their SO fail to put up boundaries and end up in an emotional affair, one-sided or not. Those can be as harmful as a physical affair. Look up articles on emotional affairs and you'll likely see the boundaries you've failed to enforce and what to do to stop the behavior.

I'd tell your wife you see this as a wake-up call and that you now see you could've ruined the beautiful life you two have built. Perhaps tell her you'd like her to pick out some books with you on couples communication to start with, and that you want to take turns reading the chapters aloud to one another. Because you feel the skills learned within can only improve the marriage. 

I'd also use your phone as little as possible, since it will be a reminder to her of what you've done. See if she's willing to go on a mini weekend vacation with you without the kids. Ask if she wants her back and feet rubbed to reestablish touch and pampering if that's been missing in your marriage. Vow to never again cross boundaries. If what you are doing or saying would be something you'd avoid if your wife was a fly on the wall, don't do it. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Likely, for the success of your marriage, you should either end the friendship altogether, or create distance in a way that your wife is happy with and will serve to lessen and end your crush.

Exactly. It's one thing to apologize for a bonehead move, it's another to offer a clear explanation of how you intend to resolve the REAL problem.