Should I break up with my GF?

[jimothyy]

So I've (29) been with this girl (26) for nearly 2 years now and I've started noticing things that are concerning me, so I just wanted to get a sanity check whether this is normal and something guys just have to deal with. Breaking up has been on my mind a few times now as these come up, but unsure if I'm being reasonable. I would like to ask for advice in how to handle this situation.

Concerns:

1. I've been paying for everything in the relationship so far - rent, utilities, car, food, dates, vacations. I've also sent her money once when she called my crying, saying she didn't have any. (She was unemployed at the time) When I sent her money she said she would pay me back, she paid back maybe 100 out of the 400 and it's been 4 months. When I ask her to contribute even symbolically (20-40% of her salary, which would be 10% of total costs) she says I "want to take her money away". When I asked her to take on more chores in the house to balance out our inputs into the relationship - she said she didn't want to be a 'servant', but after more arguments, she agreed to take on some more chores, but only if I took on some more too. She says she wants to participate more financially, but never actually does.

2. During arguments it seems like she's sometimes just trying to win and when she is clearly at fault or is being unreasonable, she brings up past issues or tells me I'm less emotionally intelligent than her. I tend to recognize these things and point out that it isn't fair to do this. She has called me emotionally immature on several occasions, suggesting that she's taking care more of the emotional part of the relationship, I don't really feel this happening though?

3. She once severely undermined my efforts. I had helped her through a tough job transition financially and emotionally, helped her set up her freelancing work and took her out on vacation when she was feeling stressed. She told me point blank at my face that I wasn't supporting her enough. Really hurt.

4. When things started getting tougher, I got a little more emotionally distant, she said 'you don't want to spend money on me anymore'. Which now sounds like a very good hint about her intentions as I'm typing it out.

5. She has started picking fights about minor things and overanalysing interactions simple interactions, it makes me feel on edge and that I can't say what I think, because she might get hurt or I will be the bad guy again.

6. She seems to assume I do some things out of malice, where I'm actually being sincere and doing things out of love.

7. Sex life is dwindling, no oral for the past 6 months, dry patches lasting a month with no sex

There are more things, but these are ones that stand out the most over the past 6-9 months. This has been wearing me down and it feels like I'm losing my sense of self and feel like a terrible partner, questioning my own judgement a lot more. Is this something that most guys have to deal with in relationships or is it something out of the ordinary? What would you do in this situation?

[Batya33]

Why are you with this person who is taking such advantage of you and not treating you with care and thoughtfulness and respect in general? 

What do you mean "most guys" -is your mother like this or was she? your grandmother? other women  you know in your life? Who cares anyway -what are your values and standards -figure that out then stick to them.  If you feel some of your standards are unrealistic sure you can look into it further but on an individual level -talk to individuals you trust and/or read authoritative books -Dr. Phil and Martha Beck come to mind as does Ester Perel's podcasts.  For sure outsiders can help  you do a reality check at times but with your broad brush of "most guys?"  Most people I know have tried pot/smoke pot and think it's fine - I think it's fine for them and not for me.  When I was dating many of my friends had casual sex which for the most part was good for them -fun, positive, pleasurable - for me I knew it wouldn't be so I didn't care what "most women" were doing.  

[shouldhavelearned]

Make plans to end this.

Be emotionally ready and don't look back.

[lostandhurt]

Wow!  She has been using you from the get go and then has the gall to tell you you aren't doing enough.

  You are not her parents or her keeper so you cannot teach her how to be a good person that values you and helps support and foster the relationship.  From what you have described you are her bank, hotel and emotional punching bag though.

  She has been manipulating you and the situation far to long which shows this is who she is.  It isn't you causing this, it is her character, laziness and lack of what a healthy relationship should be like.

 I don't see this turning around so you need to figure out how to extricate yourself from this soon.  If she lives with you then it will be tougher but needs to be done.  Don't go trying to make this super easy on her either by wasting more of your hard earned money on her.  She will be just fine and will have to figure out how to make it all by herself.

 Not sure how you lasted this long but this was over a long time ago and I think you knew that before you wrote the first sentence here.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

19 hours ago, jimothyy said:

• I've been paying for everything in the relationship so far - rent, utilities, car, food, dates, vacations. I've also sent her money once when she called my crying, saying she didn't have any. (She was unemployed at the time) When I sent her money she said she would pay me back, she paid back maybe 100 out of the 400 and it's been 4 months. When I ask her to contribute even symbolically (20-40% of her salary, which would be 10% of total costs) she says I "want to take her money away". When I asked her to take on more chores in the house to balance out our inputs into the relationship - she said she didn't want to be a 'servant', but after more arguments, she agreed to take on some more chores, but only if I took on some more too. She says she wants to participate more financially, but never actually does.

I call that "performative feminism". In ancient times, only men would work while woman would take care of home and kids. So it was naturally a man who did take care of expanses,  even gave his income to woman so they would take care of household. But with the need of them both working, and equality of sexes, there was an imbalance where both sexes would needed to change roles. So in that order of things they would both contribute to household when they are both in workforce now. But unfortunately, some women use that trying to justify their own trying to come out on top. To not have balance and equality but supremacy. So when you ask her to contribute she says how "you want to take her money away" and when you ask her to at least contribute more around house she says stuff like "I will not be your servant". The core of the issue is that she does those stuff so she could ensure her living the best life out of her own selfishness. And not because you are taking her rights away from her. Its a basic manipulation technique.

Same with stuff like "I take care of emotional part". All manipulation so she could live her life without her having to lift a finger. So she doesnt contribute financially, she doesnt do much around home too, manipulates you heavily, never thinks you do enough(another manipulation technique btw) and doesnt even has regular sex with you? Why do you keep somebody like that as a girlfriend? You would literally be better financially, emotionally and sexually if you hire an escort here or there. Because at least from escort you know that you paid for her and she does her job while this one just takes advantage of you without any benefits to you or your well being.

[jimothyy]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Not sure how you lasted this long but this was over a long time ago and I think you knew that before you wrote the first sentence here.

Lost

This is my first serious long term relationship and I really didn't know what to expect, thought this is just a rough patch that will get better once she graduates, but it's been going on for a while and I notice myself making excuses for her. It's not like she's completely cold and shut off - we spend time together, talk, have a good time when out on dates, although I feel something is severely off and I feel unappreciated. Even my body stings when she touches me sometimes. I have this overwhelming anger in me for some reason, feels like I just want to scream.

There have been multiple situations, where the thought - "I should break up cause of this" immediately came to my mind, but I ignored it and it's all built up. I talked about all these issues with her, but it feels like all the fixes come from me too... My confidence is shot and I feel I won't find anyone as attractive. Lol this brings another incident to mind - she told me I wouldn't easily find someone else at some point.

Fk me as I'm writing this out I'm noticing patterns of her making me feel less than I am. I always assumed she was oblivious to it and these were just genuine mistakes. 

[redswim30]

On 10/27/2024 at 8:02 AM, jimothyy said:

So I've (29) been with this girl (26) for nearly 2 years now and I've started noticing things that are concerning me, so I just wanted to get a sanity check whether this is normal and something guys just have to deal with. Breaking up has been on my mind a few times now as these come up, but unsure if I'm being reasonable. I would like to ask for advice in how to handle this situation.

Concerns:

1. I've been paying for everything in the relationship so far - rent, utilities, car, food, dates, vacations. I've also sent her money once when she called my crying, saying she didn't have any. (She was unemployed at the time) When I sent her money she said she would pay me back, she paid back maybe 100 out of the 400 and it's been 4 months. When I ask her to contribute even symbolically (20-40% of her salary, which would be 10% of total costs) she says I "want to take her money away". When I asked her to take on more chores in the house to balance out our inputs into the relationship - she said she didn't want to be a 'servant', but after more arguments, she agreed to take on some more chores, but only if I took on some more too. She says she wants to participate more financially, but never actually does.

2. During arguments it seems like she's sometimes just trying to win and when she is clearly at fault or is being unreasonable, she brings up past issues or tells me I'm less emotionally intelligent than her. I tend to recognize these things and point out that it isn't fair to do this. She has called me emotionally immature on several occasions, suggesting that she's taking care more of the emotional part of the relationship, I don't really feel this happening though?

3. She once severely undermined my efforts. I had helped her through a tough job transition financially and emotionally, helped her set up her freelancing work and took her out on vacation when she was feeling stressed. She told me point blank at my face that I wasn't supporting her enough. Really hurt.

4. When things started getting tougher, I got a little more emotionally distant, she said 'you don't want to spend money on me anymore'. Which now sounds like a very good hint about her intentions as I'm typing it out.

5. She has started picking fights about minor things and overanalysing interactions simple interactions, it makes me feel on edge and that I can't say what I think, because she might get hurt or I will be the bad guy again.

6. She seems to assume I do some things out of malice, where I'm actually being sincere and doing things out of love.

7. Sex life is dwindling, no oral for the past 6 months, dry patches lasting a month with no sex

There are more things, but these are ones that stand out the most over the past 6-9 months. This has been wearing me down and it feels like I'm losing my sense of self and feel like a terrible partner, questioning my own judgement a lot more. Is this something that most guys have to deal with in relationships or is it something out of the ordinary? What would you do in this situation?

Yes, you should break up with her.   These are all pretty serious issues.  No partner should ever be paying for everything, unless that's an agreement you made mutually going into things. 

More concerning is the fact that she appears to approach everything from a "I'm always right and you're always wrong" position which is not fair, healthy, or in any way respectful or loving towards you. 

No, these are not things "most guys" deal with.  Your partner is simply not a very nice person.  This is not how you treat someone you love.  She's emotionally gaslighting you.  She's being at best rude and oblivious of the fact that you have feelings and at worst, she is manipulative and just plain cruel. 

I'm not seeing any positives here.  This is a toxic relationship.  Most women I know would be thrilled to have a man that wants to give her that type of respect, love and support that you have given your ungrateful partner.   This relationship is not healthy for either of you.  End it. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, jimothyy said:

I always assumed she was oblivious to it and these were just genuine mistakes.

No she isnt oblivious, she knows exactly what she is doing. Even her “you wont find anyone better” is a part of manipulation. 

What you need to understand is that she wont find anyone better. You pay her bills, do most of the chores, take her to vacation, help her set up work etc. So she could sit on her but all day and do nothing, not even have sex with you. And keep her whole salary so she could buy new clothes I would presume. Anybody else would kick her to the street by now. But you are still with her. Read somewhere about the cases like yours and why some people end up with bad people. Its because they are the only ones who would tolerate that kind of behavior. So maybe she cant do anything better than you. 

I mean maybe she is hot as you say she is so you wont find anybody that hot, there is a chance of that. But ask yourself, is somebody worthy of all that trouble and you being unhappy just because she is hot? 

 

[catfeeder]

She knows that when she says 'jump,' you'll do it, so she's exploiting that until you figure out that she's using you for a gravy train.

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, jimothyy said:

My confidence is shot and I feel I won't find anyone as attractive. Lol this brings another incident to mind - she told me I wouldn't easily find someone else at some point.

And here is your answer right here.  She thinks you will never do better so she treats you like crap.  I don't care how attractive she is or thinks she is a relationship is built on trust, respect and love for one another.  I can tell you from experience not all super attractive women behave like this and if they did with me I cut them loose.

 You should not feel this way, you should not have to eat your emotions and you should not be made to feel like she is doing you a favor by being your gf.  I know this is your first real relationship but it is time for it to end.

 You can do way better and when you do find the right girl her outward appearance and attractiveness will only increase with your love for her.

 Have you ever met someone you  thought was really cool or pretty until they opened their mouth?  She is pretty on the outside but rotten on the  inside.

 Don't let fear keep you in this relationship any longer.

Lost

[smackie9]

I understand it has taken you a long time to have your first relationship...and you thought you were doing all the right things because you are in love. You kept giving and hoping things will work out better/improve. And yes of course you would question yourself and how you feel because you have invested so heavily to make her happy. BUT now reality is kicking in. She's being mean, manipulative, demanding, placing blame on you...you are seeing her for what she is and it's making you sad and disappointed. There will always be a part of you that wants to be with her, and the good things you had. It's a hard decision for sure. you are not imagining things, this has become a bad relationship where you are being taken for granted financially. I think what failed was communication and having a backbone. In order to stop this pattern, you should have been firm and put your foot down. If you felt that would scare her away...then you have to think...why do you fear this? If she really cared, she would have listened and worked with you. You have known for a long time, that it's time to end it. Cut your loses and go. I know it's scary about the unknown, if you will ever meet someone again...you can't think that way. You have plenty of time and opportunity to meet the one person that appreciates you.

[SlagAxe1966]

You already received some pretty good advice. Here's mine: The difference in income means nothing. There are many ways she could could add value to your life and she is doing the opposite. Cut your losses.

[TeeDee]

She's stingy as in what's yours is hers but what's hers is only hers.  That pattern will never change. 

So the Q becomes:  do you want a lifetime with somebody who only measures love through how much you spend on her? 

[ShySoul]

Not surprisingly, once everyone was presented with a list of negative things that she has done, everyone rushes to assume the worse about her and say she is using you and that you need to break up as she is using you.

Can you think of any good qualities? Why did you get together in the first place? What has kept you with her? No person is that bad all the time. There must be good things and things she has done for you. Maybe present the pro list instead of just presenting the con?

Also, what is her background? How did she grow up or was raised? Did something happen that might explain her obsession with money and why it is so vital to her?

The easy answer is to go negative and assume things about a person. It's what people tend to do. And it makes it easier to justify what you already knew you were going to do.

For the future though, look not just at a person's actions, but at the root cause of them, the feelings, emotions, and insecurities that drive someone to those actions.