Having a retroactive jealousy issue

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Whoa! Wait... you've morphed a conversation about your feelings regarding some pictures she's sent you into a question about numbers? Really?

There is no way I'd DATE someone who asked for my numbers much less sleep with him. I can't think of a more tacky, intrusive, judgmental line of questioning.

No wonder your wife is shut down--she is furious with you.

^My feeling as well.   Way WAY too much focus on sex OP, too much questioning, too much discussing, too much everything!

Your insecurity, discussing ad nauseum and questioning not to mention your "thirstness" has caused her to shut down and turn off. 

Back off as per my previous posts. 

@catfeederdo you still have the same signature line?  I am unable to see from my mobile. 

If so OP please read it.

[lostandhurt]

Is this the same woman from your post in 2016?

I've had a really great friend that I've known since I was 16 years old. She's been in my life all through the time with my ex. She lived on the other side of the country

I feel like I'm falling for her but she's only showing me affection when it's convenient for her.

Just curious and if it is there could have been signs all those years ago.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, can1328 said:

the hardest unknown of everything is the amount of sexual partners. Since she won’t engage in that conversation (she says I’m approaching it from a place of judgement and she won’t acknowledge it that way)

She is absolutely right. 

You are taking this way too far, man. 

[can1328]

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Is this the same woman from your post in 2016?

I've had a really great friend that I've known since I was 16 years old. She's been in my life all through the time with my ex. She lived on the other side of the country

I feel like I'm falling for her but she's only showing me affection when it's convenient for her.

Just curious and if it is there could have been signs all those years ago.

Lost

It is not. I met my wife after I wrote this. I had interest in my long term friend but luckily that never amounted to anything. Once I met my wife I knew she was the one. 

[can1328]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She is absolutely right. 

You are taking this way too far, man. 

Thank you. I appreciate all the insight and making me realize I’m in the wrong for this. I’m letting my insecurities out and making a minor issue in our marriage out to be something it’s not. 
 

I’ve probably pushed her away with my actions and I need to fix that. Thank you all for pointing it out. 

[can1328]

To update this thread:

we ended up having a deep conversation about each other. More than we ever have discussed before. She shared things about her upbringing that I’ve never known. There is some trauma there that she didn’t want to relive by telling me. I was happy to listen and share my thoughts with her. It was the first time she has really opened up to me in the 8 years we’ve been together. 

With that, came the conversation about previous partners. To my surprise, she has had more experience than I thought. She tells me that during her times of trauma at home she turned to alcohol. This is in her late teens/early 20s. That resulted in several ONS’s. Additionally, she said she would never commit to a long relationship as she would never get close to anyone for too long. That resulted in several shorter term relationships over the years. I met her when she was 25. She had been in therapy for a year and had been in a much better place by then. She said I fit the entire package (as she did to me) and we fell in love. For the 7 years of sexual activity before she met me she had 16 partners. 5 of those being ONS’s. Certainly not what I imagined after knowing my wife for 8 years.

None of this is her fault. I’m not upset with her since she didn’t even know me then. I just feel a little shocked at the behavior as it’s not what I know her as. She never gave me that indication of her past at all. In fact, she gave me the opposite feeling which is why the conversation hadn’t come up early in the relationship. I didn’t think we needed to discuss it. What do I do from here? My anxiety is running wild. I feel so insecure and keep ruminating thoughts of my wife’s partners and her. In her attempt to make me feel better she has made me feel worse. Using examples like a partner that was “taller and more muscular with a bigger package” was uninteresting to her. She said I was the man she chose because I made her feel special in every way. That makes me feel awful and insecure. 
 

I’m seeing a therapist weekly and will be able to discuss my thought patterns with them. But I can’t seem to shake this one and it’s affecting me sleep/work life. I just want to get to a point where it doesn’t matter to me and we can get back on track from our slump. I fear this is going to make our marriage worse off. 

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, can1328 said:

With that, came the conversation about previous partners.

Did she bring this up, or you? 

[can1328]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Did she bring this up, or you? 

In our conversations over the past few weeks I’ve told her how closed off she’s been about her past. We have gotten into some arguments and this would always come up. She decided to finally discuss her life with me this weekend when we had a moment alone. She brought it up that particular night but we/I had been discussing the topic for some time.

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, can1328 said:

She brought it up that particular night but we/I had been discussing the topic for some time.

She probably got fed up with you hounding her about it. You admitted previously it was you bringing it up, and we warned you to stop being so pushy and nosy. The woman is entitled to some privacy about her past. 

I don't know why you proceeded when you knew this wasn't a conversation that was going to go well. Don't ask questions that you don't really want the asnwer to. 

58 minutes ago, can1328 said:

I fear this is going to make our marriage worse off. 

It aleady has. You just aren't really aware of that yet, or owning your part in it.

1 hour ago, can1328 said:

She said I was the man she chose because I made her feel special in every way. That makes me feel awful and insecure. 

She's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. She can't fix your insecurities. 

[can1328]

I understand and fully admit that I’m in the wrong. I shouldn’t have asked for the answers along the way. I can’t seem to control much insecurities and anxiety these days. It’s been a real struggle for me over some issues that started earlier this year. Health and business. I’m not making excuses but I just haven’t been myself and been able to tackle things mentally that I used to.

i don’t want this to ruin our marriage. I want to go back to where we were before we had intimacy issues. I need help navigating this issue in order to get there. She truly is the best partner I could ask for. I’m just in a bit of shock at then moment. 

[MissCanuck]

I think this is going to be one for your therapist. 

We can tell you until we are blue in the face that you need to focus on your wife's choice in making you her life partner...but I suspect you are hauling around a lot of other underlying anxiety that is best addressed by a professional.

These instrustive thoughts are disrupting your ability to function, it seems. That is some heavy-hitting stuff that is above our paygrade here. I don't think this is just about your wife's sexual past or you feeling insecure, but perhaps also some pre-existing anxiety issues that are coming to the surface now.