Having a retroactive jealousy issue

[can1328]

My wife (33F) and myself (38M) have been married for 3 years and together for almost 8 years. We have a 2 year old together and a baby on the way. Our relationship has been wonderful. We have a very strong relationship and truly feel like we are each other best friends. 
 

When we first met we were both coming off some awful relationships. We had both been single for 1+ years before we started dating. We never spoke about our past together in any detail. We have shared some things but don’t know all that much about her sexual history nor does she mine. Our sexual relationship was great for the first 1-2 years. I’ve always felt that she was less sexual than I am. She wasn’t willing to do much more than your normal sexual activity. I’ve talked about my feelings on the subject but she’s never changed. I’ve never pushed the issue. 
 

After we had our first child there was a long pause of sexual activity of course. During that time she sent me some old photos of herself from before we met. I was, of course, very pleased to see them. She’s never been much of a “sexter” nor would she ever send me and photos of her in any provocative way. It was a nice gesture while we had a pause in our sex life. 
 

Since then our sex life has felt sterile. We barely ever do it and when we do, it feels transactional. She is really not willing to do anything but sex in bed and it’s over rather quickly. 
 

My mind has started to wander lately. It’s brought me back to the pictures she sent from before we met. I feel jealous because she was sharing those pictures with other guys she dated (she’s confirmed during an argument) but I feel that she never had the desire to send me any until 4 years into our relationship/marriage. When I flirt or sext she shuts me right down. Yet when we first started dating we had a few flirty text exchanges which proves to me she knows what to do. She always acts coy when it comes to that type of thing as if “it’s not her thing.” But it seems like it was her thing if she was taking all those photos and sending it to other guys 8 months before we met. I can’t help but feel inadequate or like I’ve done something to cause her to not want to be sexual with me. We’ve talked about it and even had an argument recently. She said she is going to work hard on getting back into our sex life. That was 2 weeks ago and nothing has happened. She’s pregnant now as well so I want to make sure I give her time and respect that. 
 

I hope I don’t sound like a woe is me case but I just feel like I’ve been carrying this feeling of inadequacy most of our relationship and the old photos have made it worse. I’d appreciate any insight. 
 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication 

Bring back the romance and dates

Small stuff, can't always be about sex

[ShySoul]

Instead of focusing on what she may have done in the past, perhaps focus on where she is in the present?

Even if she was flirting and sending photos to guys in the past, where are all these guys now? In the past. You are the one she choose to be with, not them. You are the one who is a best friend and spouse. You are the one she felt enough for to settle down with. and have, in your words, "a very strong relationship." You are the one who she has had a great sexual relationship with. You are the who she has now been pregnant with twice.

In every way that matters, emotionally and physically, she choose you.

We all have a past. Most people have probably done things they wish they hadn't. Maybe she is embarrased by certain things. Maybe she doesn't want to bring them up because she worries how you would take it. Maybe she worries about the same jealousy you are displaying now.

Have you said everything you've done in your past? If not, why? There are probably very similar reasons on both ends.

Your jealousy and fears come from your own sense of inadequancy which is unfounded. If you were inadequant, she wouldn't still be there with you. She wouldn't have done all the things she has done with you. 

Focus on the present and everything you have together. Focus on the love and romance. That means more then all the sex in the world. And have enough of it, it can lead to very enjoyable sex anyway. Touch the heart, the body follows.

[poorlittlefish]

Your wife is coping with a toddler and she is pregnant.  She is likely feeling exhausted and may feel unhappy with how her body has changed since having children.  Do you compliment her and make her feel wanted?  Do you pull your weight with the house and kids?  Do you make an effort with little surprises or date nights?  Being on top of these things, keeping the romance alive and communicating how you feel without pressuring or guilt-tripping her may help. 

[can1328]

I agree with everyone and thank you for your responses. I will add in that I chip in around the house a lot. I am the sole breadwinner as my wife did not go back to work after our first. I will work all day, come home and clean the entire house. I’ll pick up food on the way home, make sure all the bills are paid, etc. I’m not complaining but I feel just as busy at home as I do at work. Sometimes this puts a strain on me and I’m sure my wife feels my stress. That’s something I can work on. 

I always flirt with my wife. Whether it’s sending a text or hugging her when we pass by each other in the kitchen. I am extremely attracted to her and I tell her that often. I truly want my wife.

This sex issue has been going on since before children. When it was just the two of us and no care in the world. I just can’t stop the feeling that she has been sexual in her past yet plays the opposite card with me. Sometimes it feels like she acts new to sex with me. I try sexting her and she will tell me she doesn’t know what to say or she’s not into that. Yet, I have text messages from early in our relationship where she knows exactly what to say. She just acts very shy with bedroom stuff and it’s always felt strange to me. Hence the pictures coming later in our relationship make me feel more uneasy. She clearly has been more open sexually in her past. Since we both haven’t spoken about our past I can’t help but make my mind wander and think of things. When I questioned her about this she’s always said it was her 1 boyfriend that she had a bad relationship with. And the pictures were trying to keep it alive. Fine. But the photos are date stamped from between 3-4 years and she only dated her last boyfriend for 1 year. It makes me feel like she’s not being truthful. And I honestly have never cared or felt jealous about anything in her past. I’ve only felt this since this sex problem in our relationship has reared it’s ugly head.   
 

I will still try my hardest to be a good husband. I’ll try to focus on more dates and helping her the past I can. This issue has just been lingering in our relationship for so long and kids only make it harder to fix. 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication 

[ShySoul]

Is it possible something happened to her while she was doing those things? Thus she is now more reluctant and hesitant to act that way? Just because someone sexts, send pictures, etc, doesn't mean it was something they enjoyed or were into. She said she only did it to keep with the one boyfriend. Maybe she wasn't comfortable with it then either and only did it because she felt it was necessary. Maybe she even felt pressured into it.

Only way to know for sure is to talk and communicate your concerns with her. Create a safe and loving space where you can both be honest with each other and express yourselves.

Sounds like you are being a good husband and partner. You're not wrong to have these feelings. She's not wrong if she's not comfortable with things. It's okay to have friction at times. Just keep up with what you are doing, remember how much you care for each other, and communicate.

[SophiaG]

I think your issue is less about the retrospective jealousy but more on current dissatisfaction with lack of intimacy, affection, etc. in your marriage. This seems to be a common issue especially after childbirth with various causes - some solvable, some not so much. Sounds like you are already doing all the right things, and your wife promised to work on it as well - did you together decide on some specific steps to get back in the groove? Would you both be open to marital counseling or even sex therapy?

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, can1328 said:

Hence the pictures coming later in our relationship make me feel more uneasy. She clearly has been more open sexually in her past.

I would have a discussion about this, specifically what those pictures mean to you, and how incongruent they seem with what you feel are her sexual attitudes and behaviors with you. See what she says without arguing with her--just listen, even if her reaction sounds hostile. Give yourself time to reflect. Then make decisions about how you want to approach another conversation.

These pics might open new doors to progress in terms of couples counseling.

[yogacat]

Agree with @SophiaG that this does not sound like a retroactive jealousy issue but speaking about the present, you've talked about it, had an argument, she promised to work on it and nothing happens.

You're naturally wondering why with these other men she was willing to flirt and sext but with you it hasn't clicked.

Have you ever inadvertently caused her embarrassment that could explain why she is more wary with you then she was with those other guys? By wary I mean, she may be wary to send you nude photos (for example) because if she is self-conscious, and/or the infrequency of sex issues has robbed how she feels about her body and sexually with you. 

Bear in mind too she is pregnant, some women exude higher libido and some feel opposite. Try to rekindle that spark and take notice of her changes in her pregnancy for when she is ready to pick-up again with the more exclusive side of your sex-life.

[can1328]

Following up on my issue. It hasn’t gotten any better. I tried to communicate and really open up about our marriage as a whole. The dreaded conversation came up on past sexual partners. Full disclosure, I brought it up. The whole picture thing came up and led me down that path. She has basically told me that she refuses to answer the question. She claims that it’s her business and not mine and should have no bearing on our marriage as we’ve been together 8 years. 
 

I don’t think she’s wrong. But this is eating away at me and causing so much anxiety. Not only do I feel insecure and inadequate with our current lack of intimacy, but I feel like I have so many questions. Why won’t she share this information with me?  I can only guess that it isn’t a something I’m going to want to hear. It’s giving me more questions than answers and I’m unsure how to move forward without letting this really affect our marriage.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, can1328 said:

The whole picture thing came up and led me down that path.

You mean, you brought it up and led yourself down that path. You keep using distancng language as if you aren't the one starting these conversations and bringing up her sexual past. 

6 hours ago, can1328 said:

Why won’t she share this information with me?

Because it is irrelevant and it's her business. She likely also knows you will not react well and hold whatever she says against her, even if it's not that big a deal. She is clearly getting tired of being grilled over and over about this. 

Look, if you are unable to let go of the past and unable to not make it about your own insecurity, it is going to destroy the marriage. Your focus is still off. If you still had a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, I don't think you'd be giving this much of a crap about her past habits. The present is the problem, not the past.

Did you make this conversation all about her past, or did you talk to her about how to improve things between you two now? 

[can1328]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Because it is irrelevant and it's her business. She likely also knows you will not react well and hold whatever she says against her, even if it's not that big a deal. She is clearly getting tired of being grilled over and over about this. 

Look, if you are unable to let go of the past and unable to not make it about your own insecurity, it is going to destroy the marriage. Your focus is still off. If you still had a healthy and mutually satisfying sex life, I don't think you'd be giving this much of a crap about her past habits. The present is the problem, not the past.

Did you make this conversation all about her past, or did you talk to her about how to improve things between you two now? 

We’ve each began talking to someone about our situation with the intention of going to couples counseling after a few sessions individually. We both are working toward a goal of improving our intimacy. 
 

I believe you’re right, I probably wouldn’t care about her past habits if we didn’t have issues in our marriage. This is probably all based off insecurities of my own. Another thing that makes me wonder is that she’s never changed any of her social media names to our married name. There is no sign of us on any of her socials at all. She is not active and hasn’t posted since we met. But if you look at them, it looks like a profile from before we ever met. I just wonder why that is. All of her friends change their names on their socials right one they get married. It just starts to make me think bad things. 
 

We have never had issues in the 8 years that we’ve been together. Other than the intimacy thing going down the past few years it’s been wonderful. I just feel I’m questioning everything and I don’t know why. If she has a different past than I expected I feel like I’m going to react poorly. I almost feel like I don’t really know her the way I thought I did. 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, can1328 said:

She claims that it’s her business and not mine and should have no bearing on our marriage

My next question would be, "I'm not asking you about something I discovered on my own. What was your motivation in sending me these images?"

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, can1328 said:

here is no sign of us on any of her socials at all. She is not active and hasn’t posted since we met.

So it's essentially a dead profile and has been for years. 

1 hour ago, can1328 said:

But if you look at them, it looks like a profile from before we ever met.

Isn't that what it is, though? 

1 hour ago, can1328 said:

I just wonder why that is.

Have you asked her? 

[can1328]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So it's essentially a dead profile and has been for years. 

Isn't that what it is, though? 

Have you asked her? 

It’s dead from posting. She is an active “scroller”. So she’s active on the sites just not active in posting pictures, etc. We have no family pictures or anything out there. We’re private people. The strange thing is she was not private prior to me meeting her. She was very active on social media. She stopped when I met her and deleted most of her photos. Part of that reason was because she got a teaching position and didn’t want a college profile on the web while starting a position as a school teacher. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/27/2024 at 4:29 AM, can1328 said:

I try sexting her and she will tell me she doesn’t know what to say or she’s not into that. Yet, I have text messages from early in our relationship where she knows exactly what to say....

^^I think what may be happening is your wife is feeling very pressured by you to have sex which results in her not wanting to have sex or even feeling sexual with you!

The reason she felt sexual and attracted earlier in your relationship was because it was new and exciting for both of you, she felt zero pressure, you weren't "hounding" her for it, it was natural and spontaneous.

Now that you've settled into a marriage with young children, it's no longer spontaneous and as exciting which is natural. 

By you constantly being after her about it, sexting, discussing, so "thirsty" she has shut right down.

I can speak from experience that even when I am highly attracted to a man, if he's constantly coming at me, sending sexual messages or constantly making reference to it, my desire for him and having sex with him drops.   I may even get annoyed as your wife is. 

I don't think many men understand this because they are always so "ready" and therefore they think we as women should be too!.

And yeah IF he stopped behaving like a horny hound dog every minute of the day, lol 😀 I would be and am ready for it!

In fact I am typically all over HIM! 

In your situation it's become a vicious cycle of you wanting sex, her being tired from kids or whatever, you trying harder to get sex by talking, sexting, "pressuring" (in her eyes) and her shutting down sexually because of that pressure, lather rinse repeat. 

My advice is do nothing, say nothing, back off from discussing, sexting, trying to get her in the mood etc.

Find a babysitter, take her out on a romantic date, simply enjoy each other's company and presence, do NOT say one word about sex and allow her to reconnect with her own desire for you and being sexual with you in her own time at her own pace. 

Be patient, she's been sexually shut down for a long time so it may take a while.

 

 

[HollyJolly]

This situation is a poster child for "we need therapy".  Couples council or something in that area.

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, HollyJolly said:

This situation is a poster child for "we need therapy".  Couples council or something in that area.

Hi Holly I don't agree. 

Suggesting therapy will only make her feel more pressure and forced, see my previous.  

My opinion anyway. 

OP,  just leave her alone about it.  Not one word. Act like it's not a big deal.

In time she may wonder why you're not after her about it!

This may actually reignite her desire and passion for you, it's happened to me in LTRs and other women I know, with or without kids!

JMO

[HollyJolly]

What's wrong with therapy?  Problems are happening, and to me, they seem far more serious than people are letting on.  No shame in seeking help

[rainbowsandroses]

43 minutes ago, HollyJolly said:

What's wrong with therapy?  Problems are happening, and to me, they seem far more serious than people are letting on.  No shame in seeking help

I agree in fact I am in therapy myself!

But seeking therapy and more "talking about it" for the purpose of resolving sexual issues, in this case her lack of sexual desire and passion for the OP which is what this is about based on what OP has posted, will only make her feel more annoyed, pressured and turned off imho and experience.

[HollyJolly]

Yeah, after re-reading this thread, I certainly disagree.  In fact, I think it's fair to say I WILDLY disagree.  People don't just lose passion for no reason.  The core reason needs to be identified and figured out, otherwise it's going to get worse - perhaps to the point of not being salvageable.  To me this feels like a way more serious thing that just needing the occasional romantic date night.

The OP already spoke of there being underlying problems in their marriage, and that they are each seeing a professional, with the ultimate intention of seeking couples counseling.  I think that's a great idea and they should continue to do so!

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, HollyJolly said:

People don't just lose passion for no reason.

Imo and experience yeah sometimes they do.

Emotions including desire and passion are fluid and ebb and flow especially in a long term relationship or marriage. 

And if one or both don't understand this ebb and flow especially sexual desire and they begin pressuring their partner about it, attempting to force it, it will, in many cases, cause their partner to shut down even more.

Many therapists would say the same thing, and advise what I have, back off, learn to appreciate her in other ways, not just sexually, give her the time and space to reconnect with her own sexual desire and with the OP at her own pace. 

Again just my opinion and I made a suggestion in my first post. 

The OP is free to take or leave and/or seek therapy whatever he thinks is best.

 

 

[can1328]

All:

I appreciate all the comments. 
 

I am in therapy myself and my wife has began therapy on her own this past week. We have scheduled a couples therapy session after the holiday. Hopefully that will open up some of the issues we have on each side.

Part of the reason I’m taking this so hard is that I never saw it coming. We truly have had a great marriage aside from the intimacy slowing to a crawl. There is no lack of trust on either side and we are genuinely best friends. Since opening up this wound of intimacy I have really let my mind wander and have looked at places I probably shouldn’t have. But now there are questions and my hope is that those questions ultimately result in better communication and intimacy like we used to have. 
 

the hardest unknown of everything is the amount of sexual partners. Since she won’t engage in that conversation (she says I’m approaching it from a place of judgement and she won’t acknowledge it that way) I’m left to wonder which really is making me uneasy. She’s right, I’m sure I am approaching it as judgmental. I just feel blindsided if her sexual past isn’t what I thought it was. That will be tough to swallow. 
 

many ideas on how to prepare for or get over if we ever do get to a common ground on that?

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, can1328 said:

the hardest unknown of everything is the amount of sexual partners. Since she won’t engage in that conversation....

Whoa! Wait... you've morphed a conversation about your feelings regarding some pictures she's sent you into a question about numbers? Really?

There is no way I'd DATE someone who asked for my numbers much less sleep with him. I can't think of a more tacky, intrusive, judgmental line of questioning.

No wonder your wife is shut down--she is furious with you.