alcohol and separation

[slogwagon]

Hello, i need some advice, I am a 40 year old male

My story has 2 women involved A. my partner of 18 years, and B. coworker/friend of 5 years

I should say that my relationship with A. has been good, and we’ve been through a lot together, even-though there were intimacy and connection issues among others that would all come out by the end of this story (needs were not being met)

About 6 years ago my partner A. developed a drinking problem, when she would get drunk things would get very uncomfortable, irrational and really mean and hostile towards me.  I would define it as emotional/mental/verbal alcoholic abuse.  Although the events weren’t overly frequent, they made me feel horrible and confused, unwisely I bottled it up and began to pull away emotionally.  The last year has been particularly tough.  The drinking increased and was getting worse  At this point I began standing up for myself and calling it out, I even offered support to get her help, but it continued.  I was falling into a dark place.  When things were at their worst I connected with B. a friend/coworker, who i have always had a great friendship with (we have had great friendship chemistry since the first day we met)  I started developing feelings for her because of her kindness, humour, and understanding towards my feelings. I will admit i totally had an emotional affair with her.  At this point my partner A. and I are “separated” sleeping in different rooms arguing occasionally and having peaceful conversations.  A. began going to AA and i had admitted my feeling for B. (that didn’t go well) we also began seeing a couples therapist.  I was told to block out B. while I dealt with my relationship with A.  And although I tried, the texts and jokes at work continued on and off.  My partner A. also re-lapsed a few times (due to my affair and lying) and the consequences of the relapses were getting worse.  From threatening violence to the most recent one where she got a DUI and totalled her car.  All this made my feeling for B. feel more real.  So here we are today, my partner A. and i have decided to split up and she will buy me out of our condo that we own together, living together is destroying both of ours mental health.  The hard thing is that I still have love for my partner A. even though I don’t feel in love with her anymore because 6 years of abuse broke me. We have agreed to end the relationship on friendly terms and continue our friendship (because honestly our relationship has felt like a friendship for a long time) i have offered my help and support on her path to sobriety, but I also worry about her and the financial and emotional struggles she has ahead. I know she still loves me, but also knows the relationship is broken.  And i honestly can’t fight my feeling for B. because something about her seems so right and makes me feel happy and good about myself.  And we have talked about it, the feelings are mutual, and it just feels like the universe is trying to push us together.

Im not really sure what kind of advice I’m looking for, or maybe just some insight.  Im having a really hard time with my feelings of parting ways with a partner A. who is and will be struggling, for years to come.  Leaving a place that has been home for 15 years, feeling like im taking a step back in life by going back to renting and the potential of living with regret.

To finish off my partner A. isn’t a bad person, she just made bad decisions.  Im also very well aware that starting a new relationship right away is a bad idea, and i need time to myself to allow the healing process.

Thanks for Listening.

[shouldhavelearned]

Can't focus on b until you get rid of a and even then b probably won't work.

Focus on yourself and being happy.

Take some time.

Then meet some new people 

[ShySoul]

Think you know what to do. This is more for reassurance and to vent your feelings. Which is perfectly fine. It's tough spot to be in and you can use all the support you can get.

You've been with A for a long time. Even if things have been rough and there isn't the same love there once was, you still care about her and want her to be okay. Seeing her like this hurts you. Part of you is always going to care for her. What you need is time to get used to everything, to be on your own and just get back to being happy in your life instead of always stressed or depressed about your relationship.

My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. One of the main problems was my father's drinking. He wasn't a bad person. He was actually very caring in most regards. But he couldn't resist the bottle and it was his family, and especially wife, that got the worst parts of him. At a certain point my mother couldn't take it left. I could see how much it hurt both of them, but it was for the best. Unfortunately, they couldn't be amicable about it and let things get really bad between them,

Likewise, the two of you will stil care about each other. You will each struggle on your own and feel for the other person. And you are already ahead of my parents. You showing concern for her is a sign of the kind of good, decent person you are.

As for B, does she know your feelings for her? What does she think of all this?

I would be honest with B, assuming she is available as well. Say your feelings, but that you aren't ready for anything at this time. It shows her respect. It gets your feelings out there so you don't feel like you have to bottle it all up. And it gives both of you time to figure out what you want and need from each other. It starts any potential relationship out with honesty and trust.

Rushing into anything, as both my parents tried, would be a mistake that likely won't end well. But if you are honest with B and let things happen if and when it's right, there is a chance it may work out.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, slogwagon said:

A. also re-lapsed a few times (due to my affair and lying) and the consequences of the relapses were getting worse. 

I am sorry but you have to understand that with addicts such as alcies, you are not the trigger of it. You certainly didnt help with emotional affair. But if it wasnt for that, it would be something else like maybe work issues. They tend to blame everybody else so you certainly feel responsible. But if it wasnt for you she would drink because of some other issue or just recreationally. Because addicts dont really need the reason to use substance that caused them addiction or to get back to it after stopping to use it. Relapse would have probably happen without you at all. Because she is an addict and cant control her addiction to alcohol. Hence why she still didnt stop using it and even totaled her car due to being drunk. So dont beat yourself over it. Her issues are on her and her alone. Its nice that you are still trying to help but you are not at fault for this. She is.

As for B, I am glad you got separated before exploring it. Though I do have to warn you that maybe lots of those what you feel toward her, you feel because your partner was abusive at home so you sought the way out. It might not be the same after you explore it as an realistic option.