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I think my boyfriend is secretly watching porn everyday, need advice


Sarahk88

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My boyfriend (35M) and I (33F) have been dating over 3 years. We do not have sex often, maybe once every couple of months, usually after I complain about him never wanting to. I have never been in a relationship where sex was an issue, but he has. He takes long showers where he lays down on the shower floor and looks at his phone. Lately he has been doing it when I’m asleep. I can sometimes hear Tik tok but there is always a period of time where it’s totally silent. So I assume he masterbates and looks at porn everyday. When I have brought this up to him he denies it but I feel like he’s lying. So I keep bringing it up and he gets defensive and mad and swears he’s just ‘reading stuff’. I can’t just barge in and try to catch him in the act. But I know he is not going to tell me the truth and I want to find out. I plan to look through his phone when he is asleep soon, but the issue is he keeps his phone browser on incognito at all times (another red flag). I just feel like I’m gaslit into feeling crazy for caring or bringing it up everytime and I feel like there is no other way to find out. What should I do?

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Hi Sarah! 23M here. I understand your situation. I should first mention that watching porn from time to time is totally okay in my opinion. I also watch porn sometimes and do not tell my girlfriend about it as I feel a bit ashamed. But this does not mean it has smth to do with my relationship. We have the similar issue of less intimacy which if I am being honest happened mostly because I showed less and less efforts  (romantically) due to some mental health issues. But I should say that I was also watching porn when our intimate life was in order. So I am not sure if this helps but I would say just let him have his time if this actually means smth it will come up in one way or another anyways. 

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Hello Sarah,

I believe that if you're constantly pushing him to get the truth won't make things better. In fact, all it does is break the trust even further. Or make it impossible for him to share because he feels stressed and probably that you don't trust him.

What i would suggest is that you should have an open discussion about it. See his views on porn and masturbating to it. Share yours. Try to find a middle ground or an understanding.

See what is at the root of his watching porn (I will tell you rn, most people watch porn nowadays even girls). If it has nothing to do with you, then you should let it go.

Now if you're frustrated because you believe that instead of watching porn, you guys should have sex more often, then yeah. Tell him about your needs and how uncomfortable you're feeling that he's doing this.

It's okay in relationships to have your own secret garden. You can't control what he choses to tell you or not. What you can do, is make it a safe place for him to share his secret garden with you.

 

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3 hours ago, Sarahk88 said:

My boyfriend (35M) and I (33F) have been dating over 3 years. We do not have sex often, maybe once every couple of months, usually after I complain about him never wanting to. I have never been in a relationship where sex was an issue, but he has. He takes long showers where he lays down on the shower floor and looks at his phone. Lately he has been doing it when I’m asleep. I can sometimes hear Tik tok but there is always a period of time where it’s totally silent. So I assume he masterbates and looks at porn everyday. When I have brought this up to him he denies it but I feel like he’s lying. So I keep bringing it up and he gets defensive and mad and swears he’s just ‘reading stuff’. I can’t just barge in and try to catch him in the act. But I know he is not going to tell me the truth and I want to find out. I plan to look through his phone when he is asleep soon, but the issue is he keeps his phone browser on incognito at all times (another red flag). I just feel like I’m gaslit into feeling crazy for caring or bringing it up everytime and I feel like there is no other way to find out. What should I do?

If you'd go to the lengths of looking through his phone I'd end the relationship first -did you two have an agreement that you're not allowed to look at porn or that you two consider it cheating? What gives  you the entitlement to violate his privacy? Do you want him monitoring what you purchase when you go shopping or shop online? Or to report back to him each day if you noticed a good looking guy or watched a movie or listened to a podcast that had sexual messages or scenes? Where's the line drawn? You sound like a mom who tells her  teenager he can have a phone but she will have access to it to monitor for inappropriate contact.  Is that what you want? Why are you with him if you have so little trust for him?

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The porn itself isn't the problem as much as the intimacy, well lack there of, in your relationship.

What's the cause of having less sex? Mutual lack of interest? Have one or both of you gone through significant physical changes? Psychological changes? How was the sex when you two started dating?

Why do you feel the need to monitor his solo time? Do you do this about other aspects of the relationship?

 

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4 hours ago, Sarahk88 said:

My boyfriend (35M) and I (33F) have been dating over 3 years. We do not have sex often, maybe once every couple of months, usually after I complain about him never wanting to.

The issue is that you're not having sex frequently and your partner seems to prefer masturbating alone, potentially to pornography, rather than being intimate with you.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbation or watching porn but if you're only having sex once every couple of months, there's a breakdown in communication and intimacy and that's a problem.

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Ok I guess I should clarify that I do not find watching porn an issue. I do not consider watching porn as cheating or anything. I watch it sometimes too. The issue is I think he watches it every single day in the bathroom 10 feet away from the bed I am laying in. I am not monitoring him like a teenager, I simply just don’t believe him when he says that’s not what he’s doing when he’s spending an hour in the shower laying on the ground. Me wanting to go through is phone is just to see if I am right or not because I genuinely don’t think he will be honest about it and have an open discussion about it. I have never gone through his phone I don’t even know the lock code, I would have to find that out first. I have brought up several times that I am unhappy with how little we are intimate. He chalks it up to ‘we have both been busy’. I’ve never been in a relationship where I had to push my partner to be intimate with me before and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. I have gotten into better shape since we started dating. I quit drinking and I go to the gym and yoga. I mostly wanted to ask the public opinion on if it sounds like he is lying to me bc I feel like I’m being gaslit into just thinking I’m crazy whenever I bring it up.    
 

thank you,

Sarah 

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If this is a constant thing, and there is barely any intimacy in your relationship,...this type of behaviour is pointing to porn addiction. talking/complaining about it isn't going to fix this. He needs to see it as a problem and get help for it. We all know about addictions...they hide it, lie about it. They are willing to do most anything to keep doing it, with the use of manipulation, gas lighting, diverting, etc. If he isn't willing to see that this is an issue with you and the relationship your only other option is to exit.

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Do you both live together?  I mean, sure, if my boyfriend was opting to masturbate in the bathroom while I was asleep rather than to wake me up and try to have sex, I guess I would feel a little rejected as well. If he feels that you've both been busy and that's why you're not having sex, but then he has time to masturbate daily instead, that would feel pretty disregarding and hurtful.

There are other underlying issues going on in the relationship that have led to a decrease in intimacy and a preference for solo pleasure rather than intimacy with you.

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Yes we live together. It just got brought up this morning and I tried to just talk about it and he was instantly annoyed. he said that is not what he is doing and even if it was, it doesn’t matter. And he implied that I am being crazy. So…. I don’t know what to do with that. He asked what he could do to prove it to me and I said well I would say you could show me your browser history but you keep it in incognito and he basically said he was not going to do that. And now I just feel like an ***. Yea I get asking to see his browser is a little much, but if he had nothing to hide then don’t you think that would be a simple solution? I might be a little annoyed if he wanted to look through my phone but I would do it if it helped ease a bad feeling that has been happening for a while.

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I know you want answers but policing his time is the last thing that you'll do that will be productive in anyway in your situation. 

For all you know, your boyfriend could be depressed and  having issues with erectile dysfunction that he's embarrassed to talk to you about so he hides and shamefully masturbates behind that locked bathroom door. Or maybe, he binge plays games on his phone when he can't sleep without thinking how difficult it is to find a job in this economy with the global pandemic at play.

Also, going through someone's phone without their consent is a violation of trust and privacy. Your partner isn't your child to be monitored so that they don't eat cookies before dinner. It's really no different, it's controlling and you don't make boundaries based on fear and insecurities in a relationship.   

If your bf controls his browser in incognito mode, it's because you're going through his phone unilaterally and without consent.
 
Straight forward: this behavior needs to be resolved if it's a problem. You running around, looking and busting into his phone is not how you handle a problem. 

You need to sit down and address this issue like two adults who found a problem with what they believe is a problem. 

If he can't cool off and empathize with your concern and find a compromise, then this is not a relationship worth working on. He'll be giving you passive aggression, and hiding things in the most secret of ways the entire time until either of you lays there and gets bored of each other.

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You sound balanced and reasonable about porn itself, so this wouldn't be an issue for you if your sex life with your partner was satisfying. That's why I wouldn't turn his porn habit into an accusation--it corners him, and as you've noticed, he doesn't respond well to that. So it's become a useless and damaging tactic when the thing you really want to address is your own sex life together.

How was your sex life when you first got together, and if it was good, at what point over the last 3 years did it change?

What other event(s) happened in your life or his during that time when you noticed the change?

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I don’t feel like I am policing anyone @yogacat

@catfeeder our sex life started okay. He wanted to have sex literally the second time we hung out and I felt weird about it but I did it. He’s not much of a kisser or very romantic. But I figured we would just work on it and as we got to know each other it would get better and it definitely did. But I noticed not long into the relationship that I was always the one initiating it. And when I stopped he never tried. Now we just go really long periods without having sex and it doesn’t seem to bother him like it bothers me. We go so long without sex that I feel awkward and uncomfortable trying. I have dreams about having sex with other people. I miss feeling wanted and having like mutual attraction with someone. I’ve expressed this to him so he will have sex with me once and then it’s back to months without it. It feels like he is just doing it to make me stop complaining. We are both very busy working and I am taking classes. But we have time it’s not like it takes long. We are both usually laying in bed for an hour or 2 before trying to sleep. This has never been an issue in my life I have always had very strong physical chemistry and connections with previous partners and I know that him and his ex wife didn’t have sex for 6 months at one point. I know it is him but when I bring it up he says it is both of us. On my end I just feel awkward and uncomfortable now. I still think he watches porn everyday and he is lying about it but there is no way for me to find out without being invasive and I know that is wrong. I wrote my first post at 2 am when he was in the shower again so I was worked up. That was long winded, sorry

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2 minutes ago, Sarahk88 said:

I know it is him but when I bring it up he says it is both of us.

Have you asked him what he means by this?

This statement suggests he's withholding information that could be valuable to learning his perceptions of the situation. You can't be effective if you aren't willing to listen to him, even if he makes you out to be the 'bad guy.' Even if his statements are inaccurate and fabricated, don't argue point by point--just listen and hear what he has to say. Learn exactly what you are dealing with, then you'll have the information you need to make decisions in your own best interests.

The way to open this conversation is not with accusations, so I'd chill out on policing his phone. You don't need 'evidence' when you already know he's got a relationship with porn that has been detrimental to your sex life. You already know that he entered this relationship without much of an impetus to enjoy a reasonable sex life with you--so his porn problem dates back to long before he met you, and this is a problem far, far above your pay grade.

Arguing will not resolve this. Unless this man someday feels safe disclosing his problems to you, you've got nowhere to go. This might require listening to a lot of defensiveness and blame at first, but be quiet and let him sit with his accusations and let him reflect on what he's said to you. From there, he'll either be willing to admit that he's blaming the wrong person, or he'll double-down and leave you with only one choice: do you envision your future to be spent with a man who disregards your feelings, has no inclination toward sex with you, and will not be honest enough to seek professional help? Or, will you leave him to find someone who will love you AND having sex with you?

If these are your best fertility years, I'd make this decision a priority.

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I agree with others that porn is not the problem here, it's the lack of intimacy and blame shifting. @catfeeder has excellent advice on communicating with uncooperative, in denial manchilds but I'm not sure it's worth your time to try to get through his defensiveness if that's even possible. Sounds like you've been in this situation for months if not years and you've made it clear that you are not happy with the current situation yet he had made no changes. Why waste more time trying to figure him out? I get that men can suffer from mental health problems, performance anxiety, ED, etc. etc. and it can be a sensitive topic but if he's been happy with little to no sex in multiple relationships for years and calling you crazy instead of facing his issue at 35 - he's not going to become a better partner at 45 or 55, not with you anyways. If you have a healthy sex drive going through the frustration of rejection, not feeling desired, gaslighting, etc. is simply unbearable - don't ask how I know it. I can't imagine living with this for months. After weeks of no improvements I'd be gone.

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Did you mention you had gained a lot of weight and if so do you know if this is an issue for him -or for your self esteem- how  you present yourself/feel about yourself?

I thought OP said she's been going to gym/yoga and in better shape?

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2 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I thought OP said she's been going to gym/yoga and in better shape?

Yes and my question has to do with that -being in better shape is often a long process and I wasn't clear what the issue was prior -a few extra pounds or more and to what extent this was noticed or expressed as an issue - and where she is now.

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Your boyfriend is not doing his part in the relationship. Not only is he not initiating sex, but he also doesn't seem to make any effort to make you feel wanted or desired. 

I recall when I didn't want to have sex as much with my ex, it was because I didn't feel attracted to him emotionally. There is a 90% chance this is because your boyfriend is watching porn is becoming desensitized to it, many men have the same problem.

Your problem is him, and it's going to continue to get worse. It's elementary that he is going to say it's you too. If he isn't addicted to porn then he would say something like he is stressed, or anxious/depressed.

There is a path for you where you find someone who is genuinely attracted to you. You just have to be brave and take the steps towards it.

No, he is making it worse for both of you by not acknowledging the problems in the relationship and refusing to work on them. It takes two to have a healthy sex life and a healthy relationship. You can continue to try and talk to him about it and express your feelings, but ultimately it’s up to him to make an effort to change things.

And if he continues to dismiss your feelings and blame you, then it might be time to reconsider if this is the right relationship for you.
 

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@Batya33No, I was never overweight to begin with but I was definitely a little soft. I used to drink too much so I quit and I have gotten into literally the best shape of my life over the past couple of years. I lift weights and do the Stairmaster and I go to yoga. I am active 5-6 days of the week. I have never felt better about my physical appearance. @SophiaGi agree with you that this has been an ongoing thing so it’s not going to get better. It’s easy from the outside to say you would walk away but I am struggling bc there are aspects of the relationship that are very strong. We live together and we have pets together. I also am just terrible with breakups I am really scared to go through one again. 

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1 minute ago, Sarahk88 said:

Also to add, he helped me quit drinking which was huge

If you barely have sex and he has no desire of initiating sex, wouldn't that make you more like friends or roommates? Can you just agree to be friends so you can explore romance with other people?

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2 hours ago, Sarahk88 said:

Yea I get asking to see his browser is a little much, but if he had nothing to hide then don’t you think that would be a simple solution?

Ooof. This is a huge red flag in any situation! This takes the stance that there is a presumption of guilt if he doesn't comply to your demands. This is the language of authoritarians. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think it's a point that relays how badly the trust in your relationship is damaged.

We've covered your health, how is his? Both physical and emotional? Was there any major shift in his life when the sexual activity started to decrease?

I'm not going to jump straight to end things, as it could be salvaged IF you both want to work on it. But this will require the both of you listening to each other. When he gets defensive, focus on what he's saying, not the tone. It's very very difficult, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

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