Is it wrong ?

[Natasha1512]

Am a 29 year old woman married five years now with nothing wrong in my marriage at any level....however, the last few months I have started lusting over random men more and more especially those I generally used to fantasize as a Teen - Men of Color, Much Much older men. 

I would consider myself decently attractive and do have my male acquaintances and even my husband's friends occasionally flirt with me and I have started responding to those that meet my so called 'criteria' - I have not acted on my impulse yet but everyday I feel such a strong urge to do so - I think soon I may just end up realizing on these thoughts.

Does this make me a really bad person for wanting to sleep with many men ?

[Batya33]

No it doesn't make you a really bad person. It makes you a person who is tempted to cheat based on crushes having to do with what the person looks like and their ages and specifically your husband's friends. There is nothing wrong with your marriage on any level -what is right with your marriage on any level and what changed since you married him -did you marry him for the right reasons? 

So the answer is no urges don't make you a really bad person.  The good news is you will never "end up" cheating because cheating is a choice over which you have control.  So you have to decide whether you want to divorce so you can act on your crushes (not with his friends -that's likely not gonna work) - because married people cannot date and cannot have sex with others while married (sounds like you and your husband do not have a so called open marriage or that he would be ok with you having sex with his friends). Or you can stay in your marriage, stop flirting/playing with fire and figure out what resources will help you work on your marriage- maybe it's someone at your place of worship, a counselor, maybe you and your husband have marriage counseling (but don't tell him about  your crushes as this will needlessly hurt him). 

Your choice - the good news is you will never "end up" cheating -it is within your control to make the appropriate choice.

Do you have children? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Natasha1512 said:

even my husband's friends occasionally flirt with me and I have started responding to those that meet my so called 'criteria'

What do you mean by this? Respond in which way? 

[Coily]

To have a fantasy, is pretty normal.

However, you decided to play with matches in a gasoline can!  To want to sleep with anyone while married, yeah that puts you in the bad person category in my book. Sorry, not sorry.

Spice up the bedroom and/or seek marriage counseling.

[yogacat]

Fantasy is one thing, indulging in them is another.

Being receptive to the possibility of an affair is an early sign of trouble.

Maybe you're bored with the status quo and need to stir things up or a need for validation - I don't know.

I was 16-17 and had a bf and I became attracted to someone else. I chose to break up with my boyfriend because I knew that I couldn't be fully committed to him if I had feelings for someone else.  The idea of this other person consumed me and I couldn't shake the feeling no matter what I tried. It was a tough decision but I knew it was the right thing to do. No matter how much obsessing I did over this other guy, nothing would ever happen between us.  I'm not saying that's what you should do, but being upfront with myself and my boyfriend was the fair thing to do.

It gave him the opportunity to have a say in the relationship and decide for himself if this was something he wanted to continue or move on. 

If things are as good and normal as you say they are, then you need to confront yourself to figure out where these thoughts are originating from before it gets destructive and spills into the relationship.

[ShySoul]

People aren't bad people because of how they feel. Everyday we probably all have thoughts we might regret having. Finding a certain person attractive. Wishing ill will towards someone who upsets or angers us. Wishing we could get away with doing something that isn't particularly honorable. That doesn't mean any of us are terrible people.

The key is what we do with those thoughts. Do we keep them in Fantasyland? Or do we act upon them, crossing a line into something we should not be doing?

How are things in the relationship? Do you feel the love and romance you did when you started? Perhaps it's time to reignite the spark with your partner. Find ways to reconnect and light up that passion with them. If the two of you can find that spark again, turning your romantic desires to the one you are with, that may lessen any feelings towards outside sources.

A fantasy can seem nice, but in the end tends to be unfulfilling. The love of the one you are with will likely make you feel so much better and be far more satisfying.

[shouldhavelearned]

There is something wrong with your marriage. Don't lie about it.

Fix the ick and get happy together again.

[catfeeder]

On 10/21/2024 at 4:01 AM, Natasha1512 said:

...however, the last few months I have started lusting over random men

What changed in your life or your husband's life during that time?

[smackie9]

You are approaching 30 and your life has gotten boring/too routine. You want to feel desired and special again and so seeking attention outside your marriage is how you have been remedying this. Lots of people go through this sometime in their life, some call it a midlife crisis. Dopamine being released in the brain is what is causing this. The temptations are intoxicating and will become very addictive. You know it's wrong but it feels so right. It's starts out with looking and interacting thinking that's as far as it will go, BUT it will never be enough. You need to stop yourself and realize how much you are going to lose when you get caught. Your marriage, your husband, friends, the life you were so comfortable with all will be gone. You will be left with guilt and humiliation. Girl it is so not worth it. Now you can seek out counselling to which wouldn't be a bad idea. You can also cut everything off, shut down your dating apps etc, and give yourself some time to reflect on your marriage and what you want to see change. Once you get to that point, have a conversation about making some changes, like more quality time together, try things outside your comfort zone, have proper date nights, try spicing things up with role playing or toys etc.  Figure it out together.