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Are some people just meant to be single?


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I'm a 28 year old, turning 29 in November. I've had a couple of girlfriends in the past, but I haven't had much luck in recent memory, specifically the past couple of months. I apologize if this post comes off as long, but I feel the need to go into details about certain events that have happened in order to paint a picture of where I'm coming from and why I'm feeling the way that I feel right now.

Event 1: I had a crush on a coworker, but never made a move because I didn't want to date in the work place. She ends up putting in her notice and I was planning on asking her out on her last day, but there was a very last second schedule change and I ended up having the day off on my crush's last day. I practically begged my boss to let me come in to work that day, but he couldn't be moved and not only did I end up missing her last day, but another guy asked her out and now they're a couple.

Event 2: Another coworker after the girl from event 1. Again, she put in her notice and I planned on asking her out on her last day. I thankfully got scheduled to work on her last day, but I woke up that morning sick as a dog. I really tried to convince myself to just suck it up and work, but I was too ill and I had to call out. And of course, not only did I miss her last day, but another coworker beat me to it and he ended up asking her out. Basically the same as event 1.

Event 3: I start to get a little flirty with a barista at a nearby Starbucks. She flirted back and I felt good about asking her out. But on the day that I went in to ask her out, I found out from another barista that she had called out sick that day and it was apparently serious that she had to go to urgent care. I later find out that while she was in the waiting room at urgent care, another guy there had asked her out while they were waiting together and now they're a couple.

Event 4: I go to my ten year high school reunion last week and I was approached by one of the more popular girls who I never had the confidence to approach back in school. That was because I spent most of high school overweight, with a face full of hideous acne, and a terrible stutter. No girl on campus wanted anything to do with me. But I've since lost weight, got my acne cleared up, and have done away with my stutter with speech therapy. I was getting quite a few stares from a lot of girls at the reunion and a lot of comments about how much I've changed since school, but this one girl in particular was very eager to approach me, flirt, and ask to see me again for lunch some time later. I agreed to it, but then a couple days later, she calls me and explains to me that her ex-boyfriend from a recent break-up has come back into her life and she said that she still has feelings for him. She apologized and said that it wouldn't be fair to me to date me while she still had feelings for another guy and we ended up not dating because of that.

Those 4 events have happened all in the span of just a couple of months and you can probably see why I'm so frustrated right now. Four events in which I'm on the verge of asking someone out, only for some last minute obstacle to completely block my path and ruin things for me out of nowhere. I don't even believe in fate or karma or anything like that, but it really feels like there's something in the world that just doesn't want me to be in a relationship. I know it's probably just an unfortunate string of bad luck that, but it's still undeniably very disheartening for me. I've recently started to read about other people who have just settled on being single there whole lives and I'm wondering if I have to start thinking about that soon. I'm at the age where the dating pool is starting to shrink and I'm running out of time. What should I do?

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I mean sounds really typical to me.  Also it's less likely a starbucks barrista who flirts is interested in a date - often they figure they'll get better tips and/or it's fun -breaks up the monotony.  Part of dating is luck and timing.  And so the barrista was unlikely as a dating prospect and then the other woman said she was hung up on her ex.  That leaves two coworkers  - I originally met my husband at work and we dated while we were coworkers but we didn't work together. 

I do think some people who are single are single by choice -one of my best friends in her 60s stopped dating close to 10 years ago -she was married for 20 years or so then had a 7 year relationship with a man she met through a dating site and after that she dated a bit here and there but decided -nope -I'm happy with my life as it is - not interested in dating.  I know of a few people who are single because their lifestyle is not conducive to being married/committed/having a family.

I started dating my future husband when I was 39 and he was 38.   I think you are absolutely on the younger side, you've had relationships and you're going through a bit of a -very typical!! - dry spell.  

I wouldn't "settle" on being single that's sad! No the dating pool isn't shrinking as you say, no you are not running out of time -running out of time -for what? Certainly if you are positively fulfilled choosing not to be in or seek a long term romantic relationship that's totaly fine but from a place of "settling" - nope.  JMHO.

(I've been married for over 15 years by the way and we were in our early 40s when we got married and became parents).

I'd branch out more to meet people - it's good that you are willing to ask women out of course!

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Is there a reason you didn't have the numbers of the two coworkers ahead of time ? If you know they're moving on, no need to wait until the last day.

 

Starbucks, taking a chance. Like poster said, most of them flirt to get more tips. Never know.

Dodged a bullet on the last tho you should have hit up the others looking at you. You're single and available. Don't get pinned down. Be friends and socialize. Don't think of it as dating right away.

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1 hour ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Is there a reason you didn't have the numbers of the two coworkers ahead of time ? If you know they're moving on, no need to wait until the last day.

 

Starbucks, taking a chance. Like poster said, most of them flirt to get more tips. Never know.

Dodged a bullet on the last tho you should have hit up the others looking at you. You're single and available. Don't get pinned down. Be friends and socialize. Don't think of it as dating right away.

To be honest, I don't necessarily think that it's some kind of bad karma or fate. And even if it was fate, that would tell you that you were not meant to be with those women. Hypothetically if you did believe in fate, the universe, God, etc. Then this would tell you that God/the universe/higher power had other plans for you.

To me it seems that you had interest in these women, but they didn't necessarily have much, or any interest in you. I agree that if the two female colleagues actually had interest in you, you would have at least been friends or acquaintances with them. It doesn't seem that you had literally any way to contact them outside of work. You didn't have their phone number or social media or anything like that. So doesn't seem to me like you were friends or talked to them that much. Nothing wrong with trying to ask them out but it sounds like you were going to just "cold approach" them. So basically go from not much interaction to just asking them out. Keeping that in mind, the chance of them saying yes was probably not that high. 

The barista, same thing. Yes the guy at the hospital asked her out but they weren't already a couple just instantly in the hospital waiting room. He probably got her contact details but she was still single at the time. If she liked you, then when she came back to work she would have thought about you again. But obviously she didn't think about you and she took a lot more interest in the other guy than in you.

Old classmate, also same thing. She sort of liked you but she liked her ex more than you. The ex was an ex - she didn't have to go back to him. But she chose to go back to him rather than try dating you because she "preferred" him to you.

I don't think that it's some kind of higher being controlling these women and your fate. This is these women making their own decisions and unfortunately their decision was not to date you. It's disappointing that it happened so close together but that may have just been a coincidence.

I really don't think that failed attempts to date mean you will always stay single. I mean, you said you look good now. You've lost weight and cleared up your acne. And the "popular" girl from school took interest in you. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you and you will find someone else. You just didn't have luck with these women, but there will be others.

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You're not running out of time.  You're still young.  If you don't want to be single,  you don't have to settle for being single. 

Broaden your horizons.  Where there is a will,  there is a way. 

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You are just having "average male dating experience". That means you are experiencing exactly what average male will experience in the dating world. That means women will probably not fight over you and that in many cases, you will be no2 option and not no1. Hence why the big number of your options, will simply go to somebody else. 

I am not saying this to discourage you. Just saying so you would know that is the reality of it. And those things rarely change. You would have to make big strides(like probably on top of losing weight maybe going to gym, maybe changing your looks with better clothes, or just simply changing your status to rich) so you would be top no1 option. Where you would just pull all those women and that stuff will never happen. But again, that is OK. Because most men, are average. How do they get women then, you ask? Well, by simply trying. You wont maybe be able to "pull" some high school cheerleader or some barista. But by trying to high number of women, to some you maybe will be no1 option. For example, even though I am against dating coworkers, I think you should have at least tried to call those women to coffee and talk to them. And see if there may be something there. And you didnt even try. Same with others. If you talk to them, take the number and call them for coffee or drinks. Maybe not everybody will say "Yes", but some will. Rinse and repeat that lots of times, and bam, you have a girlfriend. 

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On 10/8/2024 at 8:34 PM, Cherylyn said:

You're not running out of time.  You're still young.  If you don't want to be single,  you don't have to settle for being single. 

Broaden your horizons.  Where there is a will,  there is a way. 

I guess I just feel like I'm running out of time since I often hear that your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and your 30s are more or less when you officially stop being referred to as "young".

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6 hours ago, CartoonPenguin said:

I guess I just feel like I'm running out of time since I often hear that your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and your 30s are more or less when you officially stop being referred to as "young".

Why can't people who are not young get married and/or start families or be in relationships? I was in much better health in my 40s than my 30s and had more energy to raise our son.  Wow talk about best years of my life -I won the lottery -meeting the right person who wanted the same things out of life and having our son when we were in our early 40s. My husband changed careers in his early 30s to a dream career and got another degree -a PhD -in his 50s.

I'd do more than just going by "what you hear" especially if it's from strangers/social media.  My family member remarried at 80 to the second love of his life. I've never heard it's important to do all your life goals before middle age or at any age. I would suggest taking care of yourself on a daily basis even hourly to stay reasonably healthy and fit.  Not to find a partner but it will be a positive if you do find a partner, for sure.  Also can be a way to find a partner-our friend got remarried in his early 40s to a woman he met on Craiglist -back then she wanted an activity partner for the sport they both loved. Then they started dating later.  A man I dated in 2003 -a single dad of a college student now -met what looks like to be the love of his life this past year in the foreign country he moved to to pursue a new career. He is 60.  

When my dad died 8 years ago my mom started a new chapter of her life and is having a blast socially with friends in the neighborhood, does all sorts of activities like pilates and yoga and loves her kids, her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  She had it rough with my dad's illnesses so these are some of the best years of her life. She is 89.  I really can't relate to what you've written and I'm just one person with all these examples. I'm sure I'm not alone in examples.

Please stop telling yourself these genereralized cliches -that will make you feel old. 

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12 hours ago, CartoonPenguin said:

I guess I just feel like I'm running out of time since I often hear that your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and your 30s are more or less when you officially stop being referred to as "young".

You're not running out of time.  Your 20s can be the best years of your life,  however,  30s and beyond can also be the best years of your life dependent upon who you are.  In your 30s,  you're still considered young.

Everyone is different.  I'd say I won the lottery when I realized my husband was a catch when we were in our early 20s.  Even though we were young when we met and married,  years after,  we are still considered young and joyful as we're raising our sons together in the suburbs.  🏡 

I would not put a number on it.  All is not hopeless for you.  Think positive instead of negative.  Don't have the "woe is me" attitude.  Your time in the sun will come. 

Instead of focusing on others,  concentrate on yourself and bettering your life whether it's your career,  upward mobility,  taking care of your health,  building your self esteem,  self worth and increasing your self confidence.  All of these traits are highly appealing and attractive.  People gravitate towards those who are secure.  Be one of them and it starts with you first.

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My 30's ROCKEDDDDD! You've got money, a good career, you know yourself, and experience to know what you want and go after it.

In your 20's you may still be hung up on things you realize in your 40's that you no longer give a flying fu*k, and live for yourself and what sparks joy.

My body was amazing in my 20's, yet I still thought I was fat.  Now I am very chubby, and think I'm a hottie.  Life is good, but it's really perspective.

What really helped me get to my positive free attitude was finding a bigger problem.  When I was really down in my late 20's a took a personality development course for work, and in that time, I have created a non-profit that is still growing and thriving today, learned how to belly dance, traveled and went to places to my own, and had a blast, and that really helped me figure out who I am, and what I want. 

I was okay with being single, and never marrying.  And bam, my husband found me.

You will be okay.  Just trust yourself. Another tip, make room for love.  Clear some space in your closet. Sleep on one side of the bed.  Your mind will lead you where you need to be.

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On 10/10/2024 at 12:15 AM, CartoonPenguin said:

I guess I just feel like I'm running out of time since I often hear that your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and your 30s are more or less when you officially stop being referred to as "young".

Man, trust me, you're young. Heck I'm mid 50s and don't feel or consider myself old, lol. It's relative, you're the oldest you've been before at any age and 30 feels like some threshold to you. It USED to be that 30 was that threshold but not anymore especially depending on your outlook. 30 is the new 22. 

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On 10/9/2024 at 9:15 PM, CartoonPenguin said:

I guess I just feel like I'm running out of time since I often hear that your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life and your 30s are more or less when you officially stop being referred to as "young".

I'm 41. I'm still single. If you are running out of time, I must be on life support.

The only ones who think your 20s are the best times of your life are the ones who peak early and spend their lives looking back instead of fully living and enjoying themselves. Do you want to peak now? Or do you want to keep climbing?

Here's the secret, every year can be the best year of your life. Every day can be the best day of your life. You never have to stop being young if you are young at heart. And that can even be an attractive thing. Multiple women have loved that I can carry a youthful zest and playful spirit. They have even complimented me on my innocence. Keeping the child in you alive is a great thing. You are only old and dull if you chose to be that. If you do what you love and enjoy life, they you can make every day (or the vast majority of them anyway) into great days.

As for what to do about having a relationship... do nothing. You have had a really bad string of luck. As one who also has bad luck, I understand how fustrating it is. Distance, timing, them being taken, them not being emotionally ready to handle it... if it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. But luck eventually turns around. Just keep being you and enjoying your life. When life gives an opportunity, take it. Eventually it will pay off for you. And it will be amazing. 

You won't be alone forever. It's just taking a little longer to get there. And the wait is going to make you more appreciative of things when it finally does happen. You'll get there.

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On 10/11/2024 at 4:06 AM, tattoobunnie said:

My 30's ROCKEDDDDD! You've got money, a good career, you know yourself, and experience to know what you want and go after it.

In your 20's you may still be hung up on things you realize in your 40's that you no longer give a flying fu*k, and live for yourself and what sparks joy.

My body was amazing in my 20's, yet I still thought I was fat.  Now I am very chubby, and think I'm a hottie.  Life is good, but it's really perspective.

What really helped me get to my positive free attitude was finding a bigger problem.  When I was really down in my late 20's a took a personality development course for work, and in that time, I have created a non-profit that is still growing and thriving today, learned how to belly dance, traveled and went to places to my own, and had a blast, and that really helped me figure out who I am, and what I want. 

I was okay with being single, and never marrying.  And bam, my husband found me.

You will be okay.  Just trust yourself. Another tip, make room for love.  Clear some space in your closet. Sleep on one side of the bed.  Your mind will lead you where you need to be.

Yeah I have a friend who only married and had a baby in his late 40's! He hadn't actually had a proper relationship until he was like 40.

Tell me more about the personality development course? I feel like I need to do one lol

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I feel like I am meant to be single. That's only because, I did kind of the opposite growing up. I was in back-to-back relationships from 15 to my thirties and by the time I came out of them I felt like I had lost a lot of who I am and what I wanted. 

I think for me, I won't pair up until I meet someone who enhances my life, not completes it. I want a partner who adds to my happiness, not becomes the source of it. 

And btw, my thirties rocked too, best years of my life actually. I travelled, explored new hobbies, built a successful career, and had a blast doing so many different things with friends and my own. 

And if I do meet someone who fits into my life seamlessly and brings more happiness and love, then I will gladly welcome them into my journey. 

You'll probably see me in my 70s partnering on and off, and grandmothering kittens and puppies.  😂

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19 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I have a friend who only married and had a baby in his late 40's! He hadn't actually had a proper relationship until he was like 40.

Thank you. Guess there is still hope for me. 🤪

Have this funny feeling by the time it all comes together I'll be in my 70s/80s and will only have at most a year to enjoy it. But what a year it will be....

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Approaching 30 is not like death, especially for a man. Make sure you have your stuff together as much as you can.

Remember women don't leave planet earth when they 'date' someone. Try to build as many friendship networks as you can, and try not to focus on your little man so much, because it can come across as desperate, even if you are not.

And 'dating' younger women is absolutely fine. Don't let others set rules for you.

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With the co-workers & the barista you are fishing in the wrong ponds.  

The thing at your HS reunion tells me you got what it takes to get a GF.  You simply need to believe in yourself more.  You still see the overweight kid from HS even though you have morphed into a desirable man now.  

Dating is the law of large numbers.  Be a little braver.  Smile & say hi.  Flirt.  Don't wait more than a few days before asking a woman for a date if you find her attractive.  Step one is getting somebody to spend time with you. Don't act like the 1st ask is a lifetime commitment. 

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