Best Response to Manipulation

[ShySoul]

49 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Not everything is a psychological maladaptive power move. 

I second that Amen!

Just call a spade a spade. If a person is being a jerk, just say they are a jerk. You don't need a psycological profile or in depth examination. 

Not everything is abot power or control. Not everything is people playing games with each other. Sometimes it can be simple misunderstandings or differences of opinion. We make things so much harder on ourselves by thinking it has to be complicated and people have to be doing these things. If you slow down and just look at who the person is, you can tell what there intent is. The jerks and manipulators show themselves pretty quickly. But most people are honest and decent people occassional make a mistake.

49 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I have coerced my husband into financial decisions he needed an “extra push” on and also for very trivial things like which coloured parquet flooring to buy. I have steered decisions to do with other things too. Does this make me a bad and manipulative person?

Yes, you are a bad and manipulative person. Bad lolita. 😉

I'd describe that as more persuasive then manipulative. Nothing wrong with convincing someone of something they might be reluctant on, especially minor things. It's when it's taking advantage of them on large things that might be harmful that I'd call it manipulation.

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I would personally trust your instincts when dealing with people. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea and vice versa but there are better matches out there in friendship, work and love.

More and more I think that's the best advice of all, trust your instincts. We generally know if something is right or wrong for us. And what we think may be completely opposite of what everyone else will think. But it's right for us. The hard part is clearing out all the extra voices and getting to the heart of who we are, understanding ourselves enough to really trust our judgment.

[Cherylyn]

Fortunately,  in my marriage,  we haven't had manipulation issues.  I'm thankful and grateful for that.  If there were manipulation tactics dispensed,  we wouldn't stonewall,  walk away nor give each other the silent treatment.  If we disagree,  we calmly discuss instead of argue and fight over it.  It's a mature way of handling division in our marriage and it gets resolved quickly.  No hard feelings either.  👍

I've been manipulated by local relatives and in-laws in particular.  In these cases,  after many years of trial and error,  I've found my best way is to disengage.  I no longer add fuel to the fire.  ⛽ 🔥  Arguing back 'n forth in any form or becoming defensive grants the perpetrator permission to control me,  my trajectory,   decisions,   the narrative and my plans.  I don't go down that dark deep hole anymore because it feels like entrapment with no way out.  Nowadays,  I just do and act upon it sans an explanation.  I let them know this is what I'm going to do and this is all there is to it.  Or,  I don't let them know and I do it any way. 😏 My method works great and everything goes in my favor which is my way of enforcing strict,  healthy,  very firm boundaries with people I no longer admire nor respect.

In the past this manipulation game was a complicated dance and I've realized it doesn't have to be.  😉  Because I've since changed my tack,  I no longer give unsavory characters the opportunity to misbehave nor disrespect me in the first place.  

I've since relegated certain people in my life to less than acquaintance status and if we have a brief encounter or conversation,  it's about the weather.  🙄  I bore them to death.  I don't get personal.  I'm pleasant yet not close.  Then I walk away.  🚶‍♀️   

People need to earn my trust meaning if they've consistently misbehaved dishonorably towards me and my immediate loved ones,  they no longer qualify to be part of my life in earnest.  If they have a track record of being unkind to me,  I avoid them like the plague.  I don't want to be with them anymore.  I've intuitively learned to stay away. 

Whenever I've caught a whiff of gaslighting brewing or in full fledged gaslighting mode,  I'm immediately alarmed.  Instead of constantly defending myself,  I quickly cease communication in all forms.  In some cases,  I'll mention the word "gaslighting" in a conversation and usually the perpetrator knows I'm onto their manipulative mind games and head trips.  They sense I'm not as dumb as they originally thought.  They alter course towards a more civil stance.  Generally,  gaslighting is a huge red flag so I tend to avoid those who habitually exercise gaslighting tactics.  I'm no longer under a gaslighter's spell 😵 and know when to make my abrupt exit.   I no longer have more years of my life to waste with a bunch of jerks in my midst.  Out,  out,  out they go and I ensure that they remain there!  😒

For other manipulative types,  I decline a lot of invitations.  I no longer place myself in uncomfortable situations in the first place. 

I know whom to avoid.   I'm closest to my husband,  sons and dear local friends whom I've known for many years.  One of my best friends hails from childhood.  💗

Everyone else?  They don't matter and I dismiss them entirely.  🤨

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You seem like the stable one in the family. 

I wouldn't necessarily agree 100% with that... 🤪😇

RAR --- I agree with some of the other comments in that some of these terms are often over-pathologized and overly hyped on social media and articles. So like you, it depends on the situation and the boundaries made.

I think a good example of stonewalling in the clinical sense is when you approach someone about a topic and then when the other person replies, the first person shuts down the conversation if they hear a response they dislike, and say something along the lines of..."I'm not going to talk about it anymore."

Well, ***, you're the one that 1st brought it up!

So yes, that's stonewalling.

 

[The Shark101]

17 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:
Guys, what I'm contemplating now is in a romantic relationship whether going silent and ignoring is actually the manipulation and a conscious one! 
I think it can be in some instances!  Not all.

It doesn't really matter how you define silence or stonewall treatment from your partner; if it's a pattern that repeat itself and your partner can't/don't know, or don't want to communicate with you like an adult and in a mature way,  you need to find a better mature partner. 
For some reason, some people lowering their standards and compromise unnecessarily when choosing a partner. 

[smackie9]

Sometimes it's a purposeful/narcissism reaction to manipulate/hurt/vengeance, and for others it's how they cope/learned behaviour from childhood, to protect themselves. That's why I always suggest this article because it explains what it is, and suggests what you can do to change it. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ 

[Cherylyn]

In some cases,  some people start out in life as very decent,  honorable people.  Then when life turns harsh, they're stuck or entrapped with a bad person in their life such as a partner or spouse, know this proverb:  "If you lie down with dogs,  you wake up with fleas"  meaning you become tainted or one of them.  Negative influences or having the "if you can't beat 'em,  join 'em mentality" is quite prevalent.  This is how some people become very worldly and know how to play the game in order to survive or get ahead even if it's cheating by their own design. 

Cheating can be sociopathic,  manipulative,  narcissistic and any of those types of strategies.  It's about control and domination over you.  Some people figure if they can't win by playing by the rules of human decency,  then cheating is the way to go even if it means deceit and betrayal in order to meet their own ends.  Morals aren't part of this equation.  These types of people are sharks.  🦈 They prey upon the naive just as they were once upon a time.

The best response to manipulation?  Make sure your radar is up.  Pay attention to your instincts.  Outsmart them at their own game.  Make them powerless by disengaging.

There is more control to conveniently eliminate or discard disqualified people encircling your midst such as shady extended relatives,  in-laws,  friends,  acquaintances,  neighbors and the like.  With partners and spouses,  you have to make some hard choices.  Is this relationship or marriage viable?  Is it sustainable at the rate you're going?  If you've hit a wall and if every interaction is an effort in futility,  plan to make your exit in order to save your sanity.