Husband thinks that because he provides financially he doesn’t need to do anythi

[Breez]

Me and my husband have had this issued for as long as i can remember. We’ve been together for 9 years, married for 6. Im a stay at home mom of 2 young kids, but I still do work 2 days a week. I’m the one that takes care of our kids 90% of the time. I clean, I cook, I do the laundry. All household chores. If I don’t do it, it just simply doesn’t get done and he will get upset saying that since I’m home I should be the one taking care of all of these things. Which is understandable. But what gets me is that he doesn’t do anything for me personally. And when I bring it up, he says that he pays for our house that we live in. And that that should be enough. And basically that I’m ungrateful. Another example is that he’ll ask me to rub his back. And if I give him a hard time and don’t just agree and get right to it he gets mad. And for me it’s just like when’s the last time someone’s ever done something for me??? I guess my question is how to address his comment of “well I pay for this house, so that should be enough”. Im just burnt out. And anytime I bring it up he just gets defensive and doesn’t see my side of things

[Coily]

My first question in these sort of situations is: What does he do for work?

I don't think it's right for him to just throw "I pay for everything, that's enough" in your face and walk away in a huff.  Though I have noticed that when it comes to these sorts of conversations, it's often born out of building resentment, not solution finding. While understandable, it often means the conversations just feel like attacks.

I would suggest, even if difficult, to approach things more from a "I love it when you do X for me." Express your thankfulness for what he does beyond just providing the roof. Nothing gets better results than people motivated to make someone else happy.

Far too often people (and I have been guilty of this) get into a routine where the unspoken gratitude evolves into unspoken resentment. So you may be frustrated by his lack of being proactive around the house, and he views you as being ungrateful for the hard work he has done.

Approach this as a team, not opposition. Best of luck.

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication 

Both adults need things

 

[AuthenticSelf]

Since I don't know much about your life and stuff so saying anything negative about him is not a good idea. 

To be honest, you married to him so there was something good about him as well. 

So, just to clarify, what result are you looking for in this case? 

[tattoobunnie]

Have him watch this:

 

It's his home too. Everyone needs to help take care of their home, and not just fiscally.  Because if you two weren't married, he'd still need to do chores.

[Batya33]

I was a SAHM for 7.5 years and now work part time the last 8 years. One child who is 15.  We had specific although brief discussions about division of labor before we had our son and conversations still happen even today.  He works more than full time.  Travels a lot.  I insisted on contributing financially every month from my savings when I was a SAHM although he didn't request it.  But we were 42 and I'd been saving lots of money since age 31 and we married at 42. 

We discussed outsourcing of cleaning in particular. What we do might not seem equal or fair to others but it seemed fair to us -and was never equal when I was a SAHM and I only work part time so it's still not "equal."  but it's fair give or take.  When it seems unfair we discuss.  When situations change we discuss. For example the pandemic caused major changes as did when my son started a private high school far away from here which means -we are now carpool parents for the first time.  But if  you have open discussions and express issues and situations in a mature healthful way and you've discussed in advance what seems fair to both of  you- then with rare exception you'll generally be on the same page.  That's why I ask -how did that work with you two?

Did you want to work only part time and be a SAHM the rest? Did he want that? I wanted badly to be a SAHM for many years before I became one. He wanted me to be home too.  But we did discuss the particulars.  

I'll respond more when you provide more information if you so choose.  I'm sorry you're frustrated and tired!

[SophiaG]

Regardless of how much you each earn or contribute his attitude is problematic and detrimental to your marriage. Childcare and domestic labor is expensive and hard work. If he can’t help here and there or at least be appreciative it’s hard not to get resentful and burnt out. Will you be able to find a job to support yourself if the sahm situation becomes unsustainable?

[Cherylyn]

When I was a SAHM with a toddler and infant son,  my husband helped with everything. 

When I had more time,  of course,  I would do what I could do but if there weren't enough hours in the day,  he automatically stepped up and helped wherever and any way he could.  Often times,  I did not even have to ask.  Happy wife = happy life.  🤗

Even though I'm employed,  he still helps with anything including with the boys.  He's reminiscent of his father.

I hear you though,  if your household is neglected,  everything piles up,  everything gets dirty and nothing gets done.  It's stressful when you don't receive cooperation from your husband. 

Since your husband doesn't cooperate with you,  the next best thing would be for him to do something as easy as possible such as read to the kids,  take them out for walks,  to the park or something like that so you can catch up on your chores.  It's not the ideal set up but you need a work around if you can't afford hired help such as a mother's helper,  a teenager to help you out with chores or the kids or a maid service. 

The other alternative would be to to barter favors with your friends and neighbors.  Do something for them and in return,  have them do something for you such as watch your kids even in your own home so you can do chores,  for example. 

You do what you have to do since your husband makes life difficult and unnecessarily stressful for you.  I'm sorry.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

When I was a SAHM with a toddler and infant son,  my husband helped with everything. 

When I had more time,  of course,  I would do what I could do but if there weren't enough hours in the day,  he automatically stepped up and helped wherever and any way he could.  Often times,  I did not even have to ask.  Happy wife = happy life.  🤗

My husband was a co parent too whenever he was around - from changing diapers to washing out breast pump parts during my collossal failure at nursing to reading to him to giving baths to having fun and entertaining the toddler so I could pee in peace. In every stage in every year he's co-parented when he's not working or traveling.  

I'm ok with the term "helping" and more and more I see women insisting that the dad not "help" -parents don't help as they are also the parent. Yes -for sure it is helping if mom has said ok I'm going to give him a bath and then forgot the hooded towel so husband has to go get it and therefore helps.  

Also it's so awesome to be Fun Dad but true bonding with your child IMO requires being there for the fun and the mundane and all the mucus from a cold etc (sorry if TMI) and all the moments whether fun or routine or stressful.  Kids those darn sponges man they absorb it all and notice who is  there for them -and when.

[TeeDee]

Try expressing some gratitude for what he does do.  Then explain gently that you need more than cash.  You would like some love, affection & appreciation too.  

There are books by Dr. Laura titled the Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage.  A lot of what's in them is misogynistic drivel but there are some good points about been appreciative.  Skim through them & see if they give you any nuggets of insight.  

Good luck. 

[Andrina]

Does he work a normal 9 to 5 job Mon. to Friday, or something else? What does he do on his days off? Watch TV all day? Who does the yard work? Do you have date nights/days? Does he ever do anything to make you feel special, like pick up a favorite treat for you? Does he take good care of you when you're sick, or not?

Just trying to get a clearer picture of your daily lives. What would happen if you both have weekends off, and you told him you need some regular time to yourself, so you've started a hobby that will take you outside of the house for a couple of hours on Saturday, so he'd be watching the children at that time. How would that go?

Do you still love and want this marriage to work, or has he killed all the love and even if he improved, it's too little too late?

Has he always been uncaring of your needs and feelings? If so, do you have low self-esteem and thought that a person like him is all you're worthy of, but now you're no longer willing to put up with it?

If you answer these questions, I might have more specific advice. But with this sort of situation, there are many things, some already mentioned, you could try:

Read articles/books on effective communication. Perhaps a different angle in the way topics are brought up will work better.

Try marriage counseling. Maybe a skilled professional will get him to understand. Asking for him to go with you might also scare him that he might lose you if improvements aren't made. You also could say, "I can't live like this anymore. If we can't make changes on our own, a last resort will be to see if a couples counselor can help."

You could go on strike for particular tasks, like doing everybody else's laundry except his. But I probably wouldn't do that unless you are ready for an ultimatum and are okay if you divorce and then you can go your separate ways. 

I hope you can get some good results. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Good luck.