Relationship advice?

[Moe]

‘60/M’ and ‘48/F’

 

 

Met a man on a dating app. We have been dating exclusively for two months. Here is the story. We talked and texted constantly for a month. I was relocating and needed some help throwing away furniture and he offered to come help me so I did not have to pay. He lives 5 hours away. I accepted and we agreed if we did not feel a connection, we would understand and he would leave. He was at my home for a weekend it was also my birthday. We celebrated and really hit it off. He helped me throw out all my large furniture and left back home for work Monday morning at 5am. One thing I have noticed is he is a very hard worker. The following weekend I was moving 2 hours closer to him and he came to my new place and helped me build all my furniture here. Weekend after that same, he came built more furniture, this was all his offering. Took me to dinner and the past two weeks he had a trip to visit his daughter in another state and granddaughter, the daughter is going through a divorce. We texted constantly and spoke once on the phone. He was there for 2 weeks. Upon his return everything changed. His mother is alone and he is with her a lot to help her but she is older and seems difficult. Her husband passed recently and he is her only family member left. He had one brother who was his best friend and he passed during Covid. 

 

He texted Sunday upon his return that he was resting and tired. Monday was very distant, I tried calling and texting no reply. Tuesday no contact. Wed I send him a text that I was worried and if he is ok and he replied that his daughter wants him to go back to the state because the soon to be x is acting like a jerk and she would like him there. His mom told him he can’t leave cause she feels bad and needs him with her. He got blood work done and they asked him to come back for more blood work and a colonoscopy and that he feels like he is being pulled in every direction. Of course I was compassionate and told him that I’m here if he needs a friend and that everything would be ok. Thursday no contact. Friday I did send a text asking him to talk to me because this is also not the pattern we shared. We have had the conversation about being exclusive and his behavior has matched that he was interested in a future together. He never replied to my message.  So one week of going very cold. Trying to make sense of this. 

[shouldhavelearned]

He should at least respond.

He probably does feel like he's being pulled in different directions. That's not a reason to do what he's doing.

[Moe]

I agree. I won’t text him again. If this is how he deals with stress, that’s not a good sign I think. At least communicate. It was night and day behavior since he returned from his trip. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I could be wrong, but it seems there's more to this than what he's telling you.

[Moe]

Anything is possible 

[TeeDee]

2 hours ago, Moe said:

Trying to make sense of this. 

He likes you but with everything else going on in his life, he's already over extended.  Dating & you have to be a low priority right now.  So bottom line is the timing isn't right.  There is nothing you can do except let him go

[Batya33]

My best guess is something happened during your time apart after recently meeting that changed his mind particularly since so much of  your short relationship was focused on him helping you for free basically.  Then he went to help family -it's a lot on him -or perhaps he met or reconnected with someone there. I know he offered. I find it odd how much help  you accepted from a stranger and that you invited him to your home the first time you met. Something is a bit off here so I'm not shocked he would ghost.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[Andrina]

You're speaking as if everything he's saying is absolute truth. You have not been to his home and haven't seen what his typical daily life is like, and if what he's saying is truthful or all lies. Anything could be possible. 

For all you know, it's his pattern to seek out temporary long distance flings, and it's to his liking that the lady lives too far away to see the reality of his local life. He could be married or have a local gf and tells her he's got a handyman job in another town for the weekend. He could be single and likes to boink a new acquaintance without the effort it takes to have a serious, longterm relationship. He can get those needs met and then move on to the next fling. He might not even have a needy mother and daughter. He might've gone to meet another unsuspecting lady in another town instead of an actual daughter.

Really, if things make no sense, it's for a reason. Do you think his life all of a sudden became filled with turmoil? If it were true, he'd know full well an LDR would be something he couldn't handle. He would be dating locally, or put dating on hold.

The problem with LDRs is that you spend periods of too much time together at the beginning, which is too much too soon, compared with long periods of time apart. Plus, as said, you can't see the reality of his daily life. You made major decisions while in the honeymoon period. As you can see, you can't know if someone is long term material until getting past the honeymoon period to see if a person continues an effort and you both are happy with moving to new and deeper levels.

He is regressing versus progressing. You assumed too much with rose-colored glasses on. He doesn't meet your standards of being in a successful relationship. I wouldn't plea, prod, nor question why his efforts have stopped. It's not like he'd definitely give you an honest answer, anyway. With the right person, you will never have to do this. 

I'd block him and once you're ready to date again, stick to local dating. It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure and if you keep on with the long distance guys, it'll take you 10 times longer to find a keeper. Vetting locally will happen more quickly and you'll waste far less time in the dating process.

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, Moe said:

he feels like he is being pulled in every direction. Of course I was compassionate and told him that I’m here if he needs a friend and that everything would be ok.

He's telling you how he feels. Most people are honest. Believe it.

He has a daughter wanting him to travel to help her out. He has a mother demanding his attention to help her out. And he is dealing with potentially serious health issues himself. He is being pulled in every direction and that wears on a person.

One of the major patterns of your relationship is him helping you. He seems like a generous person who is there for and helps others. He volunteered to do the stuff for you. That would seem to indicate he wants to help people and be there for them. But it hits a point where a person can't do everything. They have no energy left. Between health and family obligations, the person he is dating long distance for a short time is, unfortunately, likely to be the thing that gets the short end of the stick. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. It just means he is human and can't do everything.

He is also 60. His energy may not be as much as it used to be. 

You said you would be a friend and be there for him. Yet after two days you are ready to give up on everything. Part of being a friend is being patient and understanding. It is giving someone space if they need to work out something on their own. It is taking to the person about how you feel rather then to dismiss them entirely.

How would you feel if you found out he got bad health news and is busy trying to process it? Or if something happened to his mother and he was dealing with that emergency? There could be a valid reason for him not responding right away. 

Do what you feel is right for you, but the compassionate thing would seem to be to give time and let him explain his actions. Two days seems awfully quick to back a judgement on him.

[Moe]

Thank you