Just need advice

[Eebutee]

I was in a relationship with my ex since high school for 11 years. We broke up 7 years ago. We have a 13 yo daughter. Since the break up things weren’t smooth. I had a protective order against him for a year to keep him away from me (excluding my child). Our relationship was toxic. He was a serial cheater-was maybe in 4-5 different relationships while we were together. I admit I became cold and distant, and hated him. The protective order came after and altercation with him and my brother over something not related. But he threatened me because of it, so I got a protective order and had him removed from my home, where I was paying all the bills and bearing the bulk of everything.

 

anyway, fast forward to now. He reached out to have a face to face the other day which I obliged. Mainly because we haven’t been seeing eye regarding our child and just wanted to get and provide understanding because I want peace in my life. Well he brings up the past regarding the protective order saying I ruined his character. He couldn’t let me get a word in and invalided my feelings altogether where I explained that my decision stemmed from the overall relationship and him threatening me.

 

since the day I left him, I’ll admit I just wanted him to fight for me, which he never did, even after. He’s in another relationship with someone he cheated on me with and has a kid with them. But my main thing is moving on. I just wanted to move on for good and just live peacefully. It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen to make me go back with him and I’m confused with myself because I know how devalued I was in that relationship.

 

so yea, just need advice

[Batya33]

I would advise you to seek therapy. Why would you think he would show he cares for you let alone fight for you given all of his choices for all of those years? And the need for a protective order! Where are these expectations of yours coming from?

I'm sorry you're in this situation -so hard.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Eebutee said:

since the day I left him, I’ll admit I just wanted him to fight for me,

Healthy relationships never have to have anybody fighting for anything. It just works because both people are mentally healthy.

The discussion you two recently had was toxic versus productive, so just stick to discussions involving co-parenting from now on, and get a mediator involved if you can't work issues out on the subject .

Your self-worth needs a lot of work when he crosses your mind as someone you would ever entertain returning to. Subconsciously, you believe all you're deserving of is scum. Do whatever it take to earn self-love with reading books on how to achieve that, or even attending therapy sessions. Only then can have the proper mindset to choose a future partner who is deserving of you. Take care.

[Seraphim]

Did you have a lot of dysfunction growing up where this kind of stuff was normalized? If so that would be a reason you seek the same situations in adulthood. It is something we have to unlearn. 

[TeeDee]

The minute you have to get the cops involved & get protective orders, it's OVER.  There is no coming back from that.  Stop trying. 

This guy may have been your HS sweetheart but he's your past.  Stop caring about him.  Co-parent by focusing on what is best for your child. 

He's also moved on.  Don't cause drama for him in his new relationship. He's not worth the effort.  Let her have the cheater.  You can do better. 

[Eebutee]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Did you have a lot of dysfunction growing up where this kind of stuff was normalized? If so that would be a reason you seek the same situations in adulthood. It is something we have to unlearn. 

Yep. My mom was on drugs, and my grandma was distant in our relationship. I was back and forth to juvenile and was a very angry child

[Eebutee]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Healthy relationships never have to have anybody fighting for anything. It just works because both people are mentally healthy.

The discussion you two recently had was toxic versus productive, so just stick to discussions involving co-parenting from now on, and get a mediator involved if you can't work issues out on the subject .

Your self-worth needs a lot of work when he crosses your mind as someone you would ever entertain returning to. Subconsciously, you believe all you're deserving of is scum. Do whatever it take to earn self-love with reading books on how to achieve that, or even attending therapy sessions. Only then can have the proper mindset to choose a future partner who is deserving of you. Take care.

I accept that and working a little each day toward it 🫶🏾

[Eebutee]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would advise you to seek therapy. Why would you think he would show he cares for you let alone fight for you given all of his choices for all of those years? And the need for a protective order! Where are these expectations of yours coming from?

I'm sorry you're in this situation -so hard.

I can’t even tell you where the expectations are coming from. I know I don’t like them. I appreciate your input and will take your advice regarding therapy.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, Eebutee said:

Yep. My mom was on drugs, and my grandma was distant in our relationship. I was back and forth to juvenile and was a very angry child

Then that is why you want to continue The dysfunction because it is “ normal.”

[Eebutee]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Then that is why you want to continue The dysfunction because it is “ normal.”

Yes and I’ve not witnessed a healthy relationship in my life so I struggle with identifying what’s really healthy and what’s not

[Seraphim]

Just now, Eebutee said:

Yes and I’ve not witnessed a healthy relationship in my life so I struggle with identifying what’s really healthy and what’s not

That is why therapy is valuable in identifying what is healthy . 

[Eebutee]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is why therapy is valuable in identifying what is healthy . 

I agree 🫶🏾 thank you 

[TeeDee]

Eebutee

At least you understand that your mom & grandma contributed to you being an angry child & their failure to model good healthy relationships had a negative impact on you.  Recognizing the problem is the 1st step to fixing the problem 

You need to learn about healthy relationships & boundaries plus make better choices so you can elevate your own child & keep your kid from repeating the same bad patterns that plague you. 

If you can't afford or don't have time for therapy, head to your local library & read books about mental health.  Reading will model good behavior for your kid -- reading is fundamental.  

The changes you make now will have a profound impact on your child.  

[Eebutee]

On 9/27/2024 at 9:48 AM, TeeDee said:

Eebutee

At least you understand that your mom & grandma contributed to you being an angry child & their failure to model good healthy relationships had a negative impact on you.  Recognizing the problem is the 1st step to fixing the problem 

You need to learn about healthy relationships & boundaries plus make better choices so you can elevate your own child & keep your kid from repeating the same bad patterns that plague you. 

If you can't afford or don't have time for therapy, head to your local library & read books about mental health.  Reading will model good behavior for your kid -- reading is fundamental.  

The changes you make now will have a profound impact on your child.  

Yes. But it’s no easy journey. I have my days. I’m up and down. But I’m trying. Of course I want my kid to see and model healthy behaviors overall. Thank you for that🫶🏾

[ShySoul]

On 9/26/2024 at 10:36 AM, Eebutee said:

Yes and I’ve not witnessed a healthy relationship in my life so I struggle with identifying what’s really healthy and what’s not

Sometimes the unhealthy, negative relationships teach us just as much as the healthy ones. 

I can name one relationship I witnessed growing up that I would consider healthy. And that one was miles away in another state that I only witnessed every few years while on visiting family. And yet, I could tell something was off about what I did witness. 

Learn to trust yourself. That voice inside you that doesn't feel comfortable, that is hurting and wishing for something different? That's how you identify what is healthy or not. You know how you want to be treated. You know what hurts you. If you are constantly being hurt, then it is not healthy. Healthy relationships don't mean you won't hurt at times. But when it's healthy the hurt doesn't last and you work through things together. When the hurt becomes neverending and is a cycle of pain, then it's not healthy and it's not love. That's when it is time to love yourself enough to stop it.

A person in that good relationship said I should live as the inverse of the bad I had seen. You should do the same. All the things you saw that lead to problems in other relationships, use that as your guide on what not to do. Instead, do the opposite. While I witnessed people who didn't talk or spend time together, I've strived to be there for a partner and made sure to keep dialogues open at all times. Do that for any issues you've seen, and it can help point you in a better direction.

Experience, even the experiences of others, is the best teacher.