Finished for good

[Rainman]

I met my now ex-girlfriend over 6 years ago. We were work colleagues. We instantly hit it off and became great friends. We spent a lot of time together as friends. We’d go out for meals, take long walks and just hang out a heck of a lot. I started to grow feelings for her. She was perfect in every way. We shared so many things in common and I had this strong feeling that she would be a really important person in my life. Around a year later I told her I had fallen for her. It took her a while to work things out, but she didn’t run a mile. We continued doing what we had always done and we grew closer until we became an official couple. No, it wasn’t love at first sight, but we grew to fall in love with each other. Our relationship was brilliant and we both felt so attached and in love. After around 2 years together things started to change. For me, that change was natural. The intensity of those feelings when we first got together started to diminish and the routine of life meant we started to settle. Things became comfortable. We still went out, had lovely holidays and nights in together. We didn’t live together. She had mentioned to me before she felt we were drifting. It’s not that I didn’t take her seriously but I honestly didn’t really know what to do with that information. For both of us this was our first serious relationship. We never discussed things properly and the discussion we had about her concerns were always at a surface level. I admit that I didn’t communicate very well in the relationship either and I’ve learnt how honest you have to be to make something work. However, we just plodded on. We never addressed the problems. She (like me) is also incredibly shy. We both aren’t great communicators at that sort of thing. In the last 6 months or so I definitely felt a distance between us which I realise now was probably her rethinking her options.

When she broke things off with me she said she wanted to stay friends with me because she can’t bear the thought of not having me in my life. She said I meant so much to her.  She said she didn’t think she loved me in that way anymore and that we had drifted so much that we had become friends. She said the spark had gone. I wanted to try again because I felt we just hadn’t communicated well enough to each other and that was something we could fix. I felt the missing spark was also something we could work on and fix as we had it once before. I also didn’t want to give up on a 4 year relationship.

After 10 days or so she reached out to say she doesn’t want to try again and that it’s not what she wants. I told her I disagreed and that I thought we were making a mistake but I realised I can’t change her mind and I can’t bring her on a journey with me if she doesn’t want to come. I said we can’t be friends because it won’t help either of us move on. I said I wouldn’t be able to have anything to do with her and she acknowledged and accepted this. We said our goodbyes.

I feel so much pain and hurt.  I’m only 4 weeks in but I still genuinely feel she’s my perfect match. You can make arguments that if we wanted to make it work we would have but I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that. It’s about who we are as people. We’re both nervous and shy people, we don’t like confrontation and we’re always pretty happy to just go with the flow. She said if we don’t have that spark and passion as the basis of our relationship then we don’t have a relationship. Again, my argument is that was not the case when we first got together and we grew to fall in love with each other and we did have that spark.

What we both agree on though is that we have a deep, meaningful and emotional bond with each other. A rare and special connection. Something that I think is a gift. It might be the age gap between us (I’m 6 years older) but I don’t entirely agree with this notion of a ‘spark’. For sure, I felt it in those early days, but the intensity faded, but my feelings for her didn’t. I know I made mistakes in the relationship. I was too passive and I let things plod on, but a huge part of me can’t help but feel she is the one that is getting away. We have something worth fighting for. Love comes in many forms and I feel she's after something unrealistic. 

I’m trying as best I can to move on, because I have to. I heard what she said loud and clear. I just wonder if she will ever reach out to me again and I wonder if in the months to come she will realise what she’s lost. We had a good relationship. There was nothing toxic and I can only hope that weeks and months apart will make her rethink. Our breakup was quite final and I’m not naïve enough to think there’s still hope. I have no intention of contacting her again as I know I have to live for myself now, but those thoughts in my head just do not go away.

Honest thoughts?

[SophiaG]

I'm sorry rainman. I can imagine how it hurts. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude toward it all. Whether she's the one that got away or not, she's already gone. You need to respect her choice and move on.

I too don't agree with this notion of a "spark" but it could mean different things to different people. Relationships change. A deep emotional bond is rare and precious for sure and I'd probably choose that any day over some "spark" with a new person. But I'm afraid she didn't feel exactly the same way you did.

Take lessons from this and try to communicate better in a future relationship. Listen to your partner and find ways to make the "spark" fresh and living. She may or may not regret but you should not get back together, at least immediately, IMO. The pain would not have healed and will resurface soon after the euphoria of reconciliation wears off and ruin everything. BTDT.

[Andrina]

On 9/19/2024 at 11:11 AM, Rainman said:

I felt the missing spark was also something we could work on and fix as we had it once before.

Truly, if one or both of you cared enough, concrete plans would've been addressed far earlier to inject passion into the relationship.

Since this was your 1st serious relationship, you don't know what it feels like to perhaps be with the right person where absolutely no "fighting for the relationship" needs to come into play.

Even as she wants to stay friends, I am of the opinion that it's not good for closure, nor good for the healthiness of any new romance that lies in your future.

Savor the good memories and take lessons learned during this time to benefit you for any future relationship you are in.

[TeeDee]

Honest thought:  When people end a long term relationship like yours it's usually final.  The heat of the moment break ups can set people on the merry go round of the on again off again thing but this sounds like it has run its course. 

Assume she won't come back.  Focus on your own healing.  Don't chase.  Keep your dignity

[ShySoul]

On 9/19/2024 at 8:11 AM, Rainman said:

When she broke things off with me she said she wanted to stay friends with me because she can’t bear the thought of not having me in my life. She said I meant so much to her.

I said we can’t be friends because it won’t help either of us move on. I said I wouldn’t be able to have anything to do with her and she acknowledged and accepted this. We said our goodbyes.

What we both agree on though is that we have a deep, meaningful and emotional bond with each other. A rare and special connection. 

I’m trying as best I can to move on, because I have to. I heard what she said loud and clear. I just wonder if she will ever reach out to me again and I wonder if in the months to come she will realise what she’s lost.

You are wondering if she will reach out to you when you are the one who said you couldn't be friends with her and wouldn't be able to have anything to do with her? You have no intention of contacting her again, but expect her to come back to you?

She did reach out to you when she offered to stay friends. She saw and recognized that you had a special connection and wanted to salvage as much of it as possible. You are the one who turned her down. You are the one who made sure that you would both lose on having anything with each other.

I am also nervous and shy. I also like to go with the flow. I don't like confrontation. What I've seen is that finding another like minded and like hearted soul who truly understands me is rare. To have such a deep, meaningful, and emotional bond with another is something I long for and wish for everyday. If I had that, I would hold onto it as hard as possible. I wouldn't let it get away from me, even if it means only being friends. 

What you are feeling now is the pain of losing out on everything. It is giving up on a four year relationship. And it's giving up on the friendship as well.

First person I shared romantic feelings with said she didn't feel the spark anymore, that it couldn't work. I tried to not be around her. Only made me feel worse. Only in being able to talk to her and communicate with her, accepting it as a friendship, could I feel better. I couldn't move on as long as I was avoiding her. 

If you shared something that was such a gift, why be so quick to throw it all away? We not keep that gift in your life, even if it's in a different version? She is still the same person you have cared for all these years. You can still be close, be best friends. You can still relate to each other and be there for each other to help you through the rough times. Having someone like that in your life is not a bad thing, can only be a good thing.

Respect yourself, respect her, and respect how deep that connection really was by being the bigger person and continuing what was a good friendship for both of you.

 

[Rainman]

4 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You are wondering if she will reach out to you when you are the one who said you couldn't be friends with her and wouldn't be able to have anything to do with her? You have no intention of contacting her again, but expect her to come back to you?

She did reach out to you when she offered to stay friends. She saw and recognized that you had a special connection and wanted to salvage as much of it as possible. You are the one who turned her down. You are the one who made sure that you would both lose on having anything with each other.

I am also nervous and shy. I also like to go with the flow. I don't like confrontation. What I've seen is that finding another like minded and like hearted soul who truly understands me is rare. To have such a deep, meaningful, and emotional bond with another is something I long for and wish for everyday. If I had that, I would hold onto it as hard as possible. I wouldn't let it get away from me, even if it means only being friends. 

What you are feeling now is the pain of losing out on everything. It is giving up on a four year relationship. And it's giving up on the friendship as well.

First person I shared romantic feelings with said she didn't feel the spark anymore, that it couldn't work. I tried to not be around her. Only made me feel worse. Only in being able to talk to her and communicate with her, accepting it as a friendship, could I feel better. I couldn't move on as long as I was avoiding her. 

If you shared something that was such a gift, why be so quick to throw it all away? We not keep that gift in your life, even if it's in a different version? She is still the same person you have cared for all these years. You can still be close, be best friends. You can still relate to each other and be there for each other to help you through the rough times. Having someone like that in your life is not a bad thing, can only be a good thing.

Respect yourself, respect her, and respect how deep that connection really was by being the bigger person and continuing what was a good friendship for both of you.

 

I disagree. I don't expect her to come back at all. She was very clear. She didn't want me and she wanted out. I just wonder whether the time apart will make her rethink. Any romantic reconciliation would have to come from her, because she was the one who ended the relationship. I can do no more and I have to respect her decision, which I am doing. 

I rejected friendship because I don't think it's healthy. How am I supposed to move on when I still love her and I still want us? That's not fair on me as it doesn't allow me to move on and that's not fair on her if we remain friends when she's well aware I want more. It's not about being the bigger person. I can't just turn my feelings off and put a full stop on the last 4 years. I have to be honest with her about that. 

So I know it might sound ruthless. Perhaps she feels I'm throwing our friendship away. But then I feel she's throwing our relationship away. I'm not going to contact her again because right now it's all still  raw and we both need space. If she was to contact me about anything, I wouldn't ignore her. Keeping communication lines open is important in some aspects, but in this instance I don't feel I should be the one initiating contact.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Rainman said:

I disagree. I don't expect her to come back at all. She was very clear. She didn't want me and she wanted out. I just wonder whether the time apart will make her rethink. Any romantic reconciliation would have to come from her, because she was the one who ended the relationship. I can do no more and I have to respect her decision, which I am doing. 

I rejected friendship because I don't think it's healthy. How am I supposed to move on when I still love her and I still want us? That's not fair on me as it doesn't allow me to move on and that's not fair on her if we remain friends when she's well aware I want more. It's not about being the bigger person. I can't just turn my feelings off and put a full stop on the last 4 years. I have to be honest with her about that. 

So I know it might sound ruthless. Perhaps she feels I'm throwing our friendship away. But then I feel she's throwing our relationship away. I'm not going to contact her again because right now it's all still  raw and we both need space. If she was to contact me about anything, I wouldn't ignore her. Keeping communication lines open is important in some aspects, but in this instance I don't feel I should be the one initiating contact.

I think it sounds like you taking care of you not ruthless!

[afatalistdawn]

On 9/19/2024 at 11:11 AM, Rainman said:

It took her a while to work things out

The way you describe things, it seems you caught stronger feelings. She was kind of on board but still on the fence. If she was hesitant, it's possible she never felt the "spark" from the start but was banking on your existing emotional connection while hoping physical attraction would develop. In other words, she always saw you as just a friend, and if that's the case, I personally wouldn't bank on anything romantic happening in the future. Breakups don't happen at the "point of break"; she's had plenty of time to evaluate your past, present, and future. She was done long before she called it quits, which is the unfortunate reality.

 

On 9/19/2024 at 11:11 AM, Rainman said:

What we both agree on though is that we have a deep, meaningful and emotional bond with each other. A rare and special connection. Something that I think is a gift. It might be the age gap between us (I’m 6 years older) but I don’t entirely agree with this notion of a ‘spark’. For sure, I felt it in those early days, but the intensity faded, but my feelings for her didn’t. I know I made mistakes in the relationship. I was too passive and I let things plod on, but a huge part of me can’t help but feel she is the one that is getting away. We have something worth fighting for. Love comes in many forms and I feel she's after something unrealistic. 

I recommend not focusing on blaming your actions (or inactions) for the breakup. It might seem unrealistic, but it's her reality. A deep emotional bond is important, but that's not enough to sustain a relationship. You need physical attraction, desire, and passion. It's what separates a friend from someone you are super excited about. Those things weren't there from her end.

 

1 hour ago, Rainman said:

I rejected friendship because I don't think it's healthy. How am I supposed to move on when I still love her and I still want us? That's not fair on me as it doesn't allow me to move on and that's not fair on her if we remain friends when she's well aware I want more. It's not about being the bigger person. I can't just turn my feelings off and put a full stop on the last 4 years. I have to be honest with her about that. 

I 100% agree with this view.

[shouldhavelearned]

No need to be friends. Enjoy the memories.

 

1st of many possibilities in terms of relationships. Work on you and the next one will come along.

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, Rainman said:

I rejected friendship because I don't think it's healthy. How am I supposed to move on when I still love her and I still want us? That's not fair on me as it doesn't allow me to move on and that's not fair on her if we remain friends when she's well aware I want more. It's not about being the bigger person. I can't just turn my feelings off and put a full stop on the last 4 years. I have to be honest with her about that. 

Because love is wanting the best for the other person. It is respecting there wishes. And her wish was to be your friend. 

I still loved someone and wanted to be with them. Not talking to them didn't allow me to move on. It kept the thougts in my head because I didn't know what they were thinking or feeling. I never had closure. I never got to the point where I knew I was over them. The only way to see that was to be able to talk to them and be in their presence. I was always honest with her. What wasn't fair for either of us was to deny the friendship and bond we had developed. It was a dismissal of everything we had been through. And that was only nine months. 

I loved someone else. It hasn't worked out. I still love her. I'd still love more if it was possible. She knows that. But it wouldn't be fair to either of us to put a stop on one of the few stable and reliable friendships either of us have ever had. Both of us have experienced far more positives from being friends then any harm that comes from unrequited feelings. And it has been that way for far longer then four years. Honestly, I doubt I would still be alive if I didn't have her presence. 

It is perfectly fair and acceptable to be friends even when one person has feelings for another. Honest communication can make it work and even thrive.

1 hour ago, Rainman said:

So I know it might sound ruthless. Perhaps she feels I'm throwing our friendship away. But then I feel she's throwing our relationship away. I'm not going to contact her again because right now it's all still  raw and we both need space. If she was to contact me about anything, I wouldn't ignore her. Keeping communication lines open is important in some aspects, but in this instance I don't feel I should be the one initiating contact.

So two wrongs make it right? She threw the relationship away, so you throw the friendship away? Keeping communication open is important, but she has to be the one who does it, even when you were the one who closed it in the first place?

You are putting the focus on blame and who is responsibile for what, who needs to do what. In the long run that is only going to hurt you more. That is why you having trouble moving on, why you still hurt. I was there. I get it's raw. Believe me, my example she did far worse to me. She really did throw away something good and treated me far worse. She only went and got married within two months of ending things with me. You are actually lucky. She was honest with you. She did things nicely. I get that it hurts. But eventually you will miss her and want to reach out to her. And you will wonder why you let go of someone who was that important to you, who made you feel so wonderful.

If I can forgive someone who tore my very soul to shreds and want to be friends with her, you can be friends with this person.