Relationship Advise

[Jag Singh]

Hi, So after a bit of advise here. 

I've been with this girl for 4 years now. We do both Love each other. But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

But for me the main issue was that on 4 occasions previously she has flirted heavily with other men right in front of me. Now this is disrespectful. Last time i confronted her and she said i don't give her attention. 

I also suspect we are not exclusive like she makes out. Its hard for me to contact her when i want, we have to arrange a time etc. 

Now i think Love has made me blind to her behavior, if this happened early on i would have dumped her. Any chats we have seem to end in Arguments and she ends up blaming me and making me feel bad. So all this week i have felt bad because i accused her of cheating, I had no proof. 

Issue is she is really in Love with me i can tell by the way she looks at us etc. But she don't know how to behave. She does have ADHD. What should i do, have a chat with her or ditch her. My friends all say get rid. Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating. 

 

I know for one fat if i flirted with another girl she would be annoyed. 

Thanks 

[Coily]

53 minutes ago, Jag Singh said:

But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

Everything else is irrelevant. If you want marriage, then why waste more of your life with someone who doesn't value marriage?

It sounds like the relationship has already run it's course with the fighting and flirting she's doing. It's okay to end a relationship; break ups don't have to be over cheating or what not; you two have tow very different visions for your future.

[Batya33]

If she says now she wants marriage then have another conversation. Like - If you think how she flirted is cheating then I’d again discuss boundaries and use I statements. I feel disrespected when you flirt with other men especially in front of me”. And see what she say. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating

And this is your deal breaker.

Yet here you are... Staying with someone that has shown you they are not marriage material.

Someone who loves you, does not deliberately hurt you and walk all over you to get some pleasure from other men. Someone who loves you would not only say they love you, but they would act like it too. Consistently.

So what advice do you want? This is not something that can be magically fixed. She is aware of how hurtful her behaviour is to you, yet she chooses to continue to do so on your expense. Talking to her will only result in temporary adjustments and in you walking on egg shells until the other shoe drops.

[Kwothe28]

I think her not wanting marriage is enough for you to end it. Pair it off with flirting with others and she also.  deserves a booth on the street.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

Hi, So after a bit of advise here. 

I've been with this girl for 4 years now. We do both Love each other. But the issue is i wanted marriage and she did not. I hung around for 2 years hoping she would change her mind. She never did. 

But for me the main issue was that on 4 occasions previously she has flirted heavily with other men right in front of me. Now this is disrespectful. Last time i confronted her and she said i don't give her attention. 

I also suspect we are not exclusive like she makes out. Its hard for me to contact her when i want, we have to arrange a time etc. 

Now i think Love has made me blind to her behavior, if this happened early on i would have dumped her. Any chats we have seem to end in Arguments and she ends up blaming me and making me feel bad. So all this week i have felt bad because i accused her of cheating, I had no proof. 

Issue is she is really in Love with me i can tell by the way she looks at us etc. But she don't know how to behave. She does have ADHD. What should i do, have a chat with her or ditch her. My friends all say get rid. Flirting in front of you is a form of cheating. 

 

I know for one fat if i flirted with another girl she would be annoyed. 

Thanks 

Flirting because she isn't getting any attention is a cop out and quite frankly a bunch of bull.

Here's the thing, her flirting is disrespectful, but also the lack of quality time given to you is also disrespectful. She isn't considering your feelings at all.

Don't confuse love for comfortably and complacency.

[Jag Singh]

Thanks all for the responses. I do in fact give her lots of attention. Ive missed family events for her. 

I always blamed the adhd. But i guess she knows what shes doing. Since i confronted her she ignored me. Infact when we were meant to have a convo about it. She called some randoms over started chatting to them. Once in a pub she called some random men over. Chatted to them. 

I guess i followed my heart. I always thought marry and things be ok. 

I am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jag Singh said:

Thanks all for the responses. I do in fact give her lots of attention. Ive missed family events for her. 

I always blamed the adhd. But i guess she knows what shes doing. Since i confronted her she ignored me. Infact when we were meant to have a convo about it. She called some randoms over started chatting to them. Once in a pub she called some random men over. Chatted to them. 

I guess i followed my heart. I always thought marry and things be ok. 

I am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

So you want some sort of trophy arm candy wife? What does her ADHD have to do with not wanting to get married ?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Jag Singh said:

am not making the first move now. She will have to. Then will set boundries. She also gets phone calls of other men when with me. I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

😮 how can you accept this?! She is beyond rude and you let her walk all over you by staying and putting up with this.

Honey, just because a woman looks beautiful, doesn't mean she is out of your league. As you can see, beauty is sometimes like a gift wrapping. The outside is nice, but eventually what is inside matters more. You need to come to terms with the reality that she hurts you. She does not value you. She does not respect you. She actively and purposefully does not treat you right. This has nothing to do with adhd. Adhd doesn't say you get to flirt with other people and dismiss your great partner.

I'm sure you're an attentive man. You respect her and value her. You are good enough. You are worthy of a partner who matches you at the level of commitment and respect. That's the bare minimum.

You need to learn to grow a spine and know when to ditch any woman (or person!) when they show you their true colours and don't reciprocate the respect and loyalty.

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, Jag Singh said:

I guess i stuck with her cause shes out of my league

Huh?

Is that the only reason? Not excusing her behavior by any means but 4 years is a long time to be with someone for superficial reasons. Are you sure you're with her for the right reasons? Really, there is something wrong if you're convinced that the best way to be "on par" with her is to end up feeling undervalued by her...  

[Jag Singh]

10 hours ago, gs8803 said:

Dude this is absolutely horrible and so disrespectful. I think you may have low self esteem and low confidence to be allowing yourself to deal with this. Shes being very hurtful.

Yes i think so. I get rejected on all dating apps. I even joined recently same story. Hence i stuck with her. We both have feelings. But these last couple of months i have woken up. In my mind i always suspected things were weird. But her doing it in front of me was the last straw. I've confronted her. She did turn it around on me. I actually felt bad after her words. It should actually be her feeling bad. Usually after such arguments i text first. I have not this time. 

She basically blamed me, said i have trust issues. I accuse her because im doing similar things myself etc. I know shes not the right one for me, all the advise here has confirmed it. So i will be taking your advise. Plenty more around that respect me. 

Maybe us not getting married is a sign. She would prob do the same after marriage and by that time its too late.  We even went on a holiday once, and not a single day of romantic time. Two days on that holiday she planned a outing with her friend and ditched me. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jag Singh said:

Yes i think so. I get rejected on all dating apps. I even joined recently same story. Hence i stuck with her. We both have feelings. But these last couple of months i have woken up. In my mind i always suspected things were weird. But her doing it in front of me was the last straw. I've confronted her. She did turn it around on me. I actually felt bad after her words. It should actually be her feeling bad. Usually after such arguments i text first. I have not this time. 

She basically blamed me, said i have trust issues. I accuse her because im doing similar things myself etc. I know shes not the right one for me, all the advise here has confirmed it. So i will be taking your advise. Plenty more around that respect me. 

Maybe us not getting married is a sign. She would prob do the same after marriage and by that time its too late.  We even went on a holiday once, and not a single day of romantic time. Two days on that holiday she planned a outing with her friend and ditched me. 

Rejected? Strangers don't reply or don't ask to meet you? That's simply a stranger not wanting to meet  you -that's not rejecting you -they don't know you.  Do you think your photos and profile reflect enough who you are and what you want? Might be worth evaluating.  

I don't think it's a sign -I think it's far more basic and simple.  I am married. You should never have to convince someone to marry you -it should be a resounding yes and the person should be reasonably sure and excited -I mean jitters are pretty typical especially in the stress of planning or whatever.  Huge decision of course -but jitters that are resolved. Marriage should be two people IMO who love each other, are in love and want to be together and hopefully don't see marriage as just a piece of paper -that's good too.  No need to overthink it. It's simply about being on the same page and wavelength.  She is not. She does not want to marry you. Marriage is important to you. 

So you move on and let her move on and find a better fit.  And you work on your profile and photos and get your behind in gear and get out there to meet people. I did so for many many years on and off when I wasn't in serious relationships to find the right person.  Dating sites too -met over 100 people in person -but not just dating sites.

[smackie9]

Well now you know why she doesn't want marriage....you are a place holder until she gets bored of you and monkey branches to someone else. Dude when they say they don't want marriage they mean it. Should never "wait around" for them to change their mind...you just wasted 4 years on this person. 

[TeeDee]

You want marriage.  She doesn't.  That is a deal breaker.  So you either have to give up marriage & take the crumbs she is offering with a side of disrespect or walk away with your dignity intact.   Eventually she is going to dump you.  Wouldn't it be better if you walked away on your terms? 

 

[Jag Singh]

Thanks for the advise, Yes I will walk away. We do both want different things. She does probably have someone else lined up ready for when I'm dumped. Those men she was flirting with in front of me are probably laughing at me. 

She didn't expect me to react and question her, now i have she hates it. Her game is up. 

Infact she mentioned marriage to me when she could detect i was thinking of leaving, so it is all a game. 

No more. Consider this topic closed now. I know what to do. My friends said it, you guys said it. So i will do it.

Plenty more in the sea as they say. 

Thanks for your help

[Jag Singh]

Its been a few weeks and I'm still thinking about this. 

Did i handle things bad. Should i text and say lets chat in person, Or leave it. She still has not apologised. She is in the wrong, yet she somehow blames me. Her last words were i don't trust you. I know she 100 percent cheats and flirts. She gets phone calls of other men when I'm front of her. Once said it was her brother. But i seen the name on phone it wasn't her bros name. 

 

What is the best thing to do to forget someone. This is my first breakup.

Im also struggling to find another lady to date. Girls dont find me as attrractive. 

 

[ShySoul]

How old are you? You say you are stuggling meeting anyone and this is your first breakup. Yet you were with her four years and were hoping for marriage. Just trying to get a better picture of your situation and where you are at so we can point you in the best direction.

The best thing for a breakup or heartache is time. It's probably not what you want to hear, but it's true. I don't think you do forget someone. I've never forgotten my first love and it's been 18 years since we spoke. And I don't think you should want to forget someone. She did play an important part in your life and I am sure there were at least some good feelings and memories involved.

The key is to be able to separate yourself from them, to detach yourself from the romantic feelings. And that comes through time and focusing on you. Finding someone else right now isn't the best idea. You are still hurt and feeling vulnerable. You aren't going to be able to be your best self. Instead, do things you enjoy and have fun on your own. Take care of yourself. When you are ready to try again, you'll feel it. 

It sounds to me like you are lonely and really want to have that romantic connection. I get it, I wish for it myself everyday. But you are allowing that need for something to control you. It let you stay with a person who wasn't giving you what you needed from her. It's causing you to reconsider and want to talk to her again, when he said you wouldn't. And it's probably what is causing anxiety when speaking to other people. 

I used to be anxious about finding someone. No one was every interested in me. Then I decided to stop trying and just be happy with myself, alone if necessary. I did what I loved and was simply who I am. Without the extra stress on myself, I felt better about myself. And that actually attracted several women to me not long after I made the decision to not try. 

Forget her and leave it in the past. If you really are done with her, then be done with it. Focus on you. Focus on being happy in your own skin and in your own life. Right now you need to take care of yourself first.

[shouldhavelearned]

You let her flirt in front of you without standing up for yourself and the relationship.

It was doomed from there.

She doesn't respect you and doesn't want to marry you.

Move on while you can and find someone that wants what you want.

[Andrina]

Block her. She's never been your future so put her in your past. Even as this wasn't the right relationship for you, you were with her for four years and you are in no state to begin dating right now. If you do that without properly mourning what was, and then healing and moving on, it'll be like trying to build your new life with a foundation of sea sand.

Take this time alone to get through all the stages a breakup entails. Use this time to build a happy life solo which is essential in eventually being attractive to a new partner. A new partner doesn't want to be a Band-Aid to sooth your aching soul. A new partner will be attracted a man who isn't grieving for his ex. She'll be drawn to a man who has a passion for life, who enjoys hobbies/activities and has great, fun friends he can introduce her to for group activities and double dating.

Work on your self-worth. If you don't feel good about yourself, you'll just attract another woman like your ex. It's not all about someone who appears pretty on the outside. She has to be pretty on the inside, too. Be alone to get some clarity on what you went through. You will then be better prepared to choose more wisely next time.

[Jag Singh]

Thanks all. deleted her of my Instagram. Her followers list is just full of males. One is on there that he once rang her when i was with her. She went into her own room in her flat and answered the call, left me in the dining room. That's when i realised things were a bit weird. 

If she admitted these things then we can both have closure. But she has not. Instead she turned it round on me last time. 

I guess she likes a bit of both, stability with me and uses me for that. I always treat her to nice meals outings out etc. I even took her to an expensive holiday to maybe seal the engagement lol. But up there was same story. 2 Days she ditched me for a friend. 

And with her other liaisons she is satisfying her EGO, confidence etc.  My head knows what to do. Everyone's has told me, My heart holds me back lol. I guess i will action it now. Its probably why she stayed with me. She knows she can do what she wants and i will stay quiet. The minute i confronted her, she went ghost mode. 

 

I am going on Holiday soon, so will use that time to get over her. Block her etc. 

[Jag Singh]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

How old are you? You say you are stuggling meeting anyone and this is your first breakup. Yet you were with her four years and were hoping for marriage. Just trying to get a better picture of your situation and where you are at so we can point you in the best direction.

The best thing for a breakup or heartache is time. It's probably not what you want to hear, but it's true. I don't think you do forget someone. I've never forgotten my first love and it's been 18 years since we spoke. And I don't think you should want to forget someone. She did play an important part in your life and I am sure there were at least some good feelings and memories involved.

The key is to be able to separate yourself from them, to detach yourself from the romantic feelings. And that comes through time and focusing on you. Finding someone else right now isn't the best idea. You are still hurt and feeling vulnerable. You aren't going to be able to be your best self. Instead, do things you enjoy and have fun on your own. Take care of yourself. When you are ready to try again, you'll feel it. 

It sounds to me like you are lonely and really want to have that romantic connection. I get it, I wish for it myself everyday. But you are allowing that need for something to control you. It let you stay with a person who wasn't giving you what you needed from her. It's causing you to reconsider and want to talk to her again, when he said you wouldn't. And it's probably what is causing anxiety when speaking to other people. 

I used to be anxious about finding someone. No one was every interested in me. Then I decided to stop trying and just be happy with myself, alone if necessary. I did what I loved and was simply who I am. Without the extra stress on myself, I felt better about myself. And that actually attracted several women to me not long after I made the decision to not try. 

Forget her and leave it in the past. If you really are done with her, then be done with it. Focus on you. Focus on being happy in your own skin and in your own life. Right now you need to take care of yourself first.

Im 30, she was my first love and relationship, I used to date casually first. Yes i am lonely and want a relationship. Dont we all. Going to events seeing everyone happy with partners and me not. Wishing that is me. It could have been. But plenty more out there. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jag Singh said:

Im 30, she was my first love and relationship, I used to date casually first. Yes i am lonely and want a relationship. Dont we all. Going to events seeing everyone happy with partners and me not. Wishing that is me. It could have been. But plenty more out there. 

I personally don't think loneliness is a good basis for seeking or staying in a relationship.  The other person if healthy, reasonably secure, with a full life might feel overwhelmed even if the lonely person tries not to show the neediness.  Maybe you wrote of your life above but why are you lonely just because you don't have a romantic relationship right now? I dated for 24 years on and off -off when I was in a serious relationship, a couple of dating breaks along the way-  and married at 42. When I was alone I rarely felt lonely.  I always wanted the right relationship.  Also comparison is the thief of joy -you have no idea if these couples feel lonely, unhappy or deliriously happy.  Or somewhere in between.  I never told myself not to want the right relationship or told myself that it was better to be single long term because that simply was not my truth.  But I did create a life for myself filled with friends, family, family responsibilities, volunteer work, a very active social life and I also worked extremely hard at my career.

All while knowing there were zero guarantees of finding the right person, marrying, and being a parent - but I knew I could increase the chances by being proactive from a place of reasonable confidence.  I met some men who were lonely like you and very typically it was not going to work -they might be really nice, kind, good people but the neediness would seep through and typically early on.  I also wanted to know and would find out-what was their life like -what did they like to do/read/see/eat- did they have a close friend, family or friends who were like family? Etc.  Just consider it and please stop assuming stuff about the couples you see out and about.

Had you been at my home last night you would have seen me in a loving marriage - because I was woken from a deep sleep (this is rare these days) by my husband who was at his wits end with our stressed out  teenager. Together we resolved it and my resulting sleep deprivation is not resolved lol. I would not trade this for anything in the world - being there for him and our son is what I signed up for and I'm good! - but to others who say they want a romantic relationship they might want it in theory but not in practice if it means that sort of work and responsibility.  I know you know it's not all a fairytale of marital bliss but what you see in public is only a snapshot.

[ShySoul]

On 9/30/2024 at 1:45 AM, Jag Singh said:

Im 30, she was my first love and relationship, I used to date casually first. Yes i am lonely and want a relationship. Dont we all. Going to events seeing everyone happy with partners and me not. Wishing that is me. It could have been. But plenty more out there. 

I hear you. Seeing seemingly everyone with someone can get you down. You wonder why it can happen for them and not you. It can be easy to want to settle for something that comes along, even when it's not right. 

There is someone better out there, someone right for you. You've got plenty of time to get there. And when you do, it will well worth the wait. 

And if you get there first, might have to go to you for some pointers. 😉