Simple date question

[cooldude123]

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

I have always been the nice guy and defended nice guys. I compliment women, am always there with a kind word and show of support. I am the shoulder to lean on, there when they are going through something and need help. I've helped them dry tears, made them smile and laugh. I give positive words of encouragement. Not once have I ever done this to manipulate or try to get anything in return.

I am nice simply because being nice is the right thing to do. I want to make her happy for no other reason then because she deserves to be happy. I don't care what I get from it, if anything. The only thing on my mind is if she will feel better.

I have done this for women I wasn't interested in and women I was. Didn't matter. I just wanted them to be happy.

Funny thing, many women were attracted to me because of it. It wasn't the sole reason, as it is always a mixture of things. But being nice and complimenting then was something they told me they found attractive. The could sense the genuine compassion and understanding in my words. They saw the love and heart, the concern for people that was in my every word and action. They knew it wasn't a game or just words to say. The heart displayed let them see the good guy I was, someone they could trust and open themselves to. And they were more attracted to me because of it.

Even if they have heard a million compliments, one more doesn't hurt. And it won't be just another compliment if it genuinely comes from a persons heart and soul

And to assume compliments and sweet words are a manipulation by men is a gross oversimplification and generalization that really speaks negatively about men in general and denies the actual experiences and motivations of countless men and woman.

100% agree that compliments and sweet words are not just manipulation by men

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, cooldude123 said:

Okay great, that's typically what I've been doing.

That's fine but keep in mind not all women love being complimented straight out of the gate. 

Personally I do not.  As I said I do find compliments to be somewhat manipulative in many cases, it really depends on how were vibing in general.

Being complimented is NOT going to create or increase my attraction to him. Nor is him being "kind and compassionate."

Yes those qualities are lovely and I prefer a man be kind and compassionate but again, it's not going to create or increase my "attraction to" him if my attraction wasn't there in the first place.

I realize @The Shark101comes off harsh but imo (as a woman) there IS some truth to what he posts. 

[cooldude123]

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

Just because a few women decided you weren't a match, no need to go and dissect your entire personality and change it. Be confident in your own skin.

So, just because you were polite, and she didn't feel a spark, means you're going to what, not be polite? If you do that, you'll die alone, because what sane women wants to get in the car with someone they don't feel safe with?

Again, don't get off track and overthink things. When you feel like saying something, say it. If you want to compliment her, do it. If she doesn't receive it well, oh well. Welcome to the land of dating where most things don't work out.

People think too much about attraction and then come on here and post a bunch of questions overthinking it. A vibe. Either it was there or it wasn't. If it wasn't, then 'I guess it just wasn't right.' If you're halfway decent and don't act like a psycho, someone will come around.

😜

 

Oh yea, I will continue to be polite. I'm the king of overthinking things but I'm starting some new therapy which might help with that.

[cooldude123]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That's fine but keep in mind not all women love being complimented straight out of the gate. 

Personally I do not.  As I said I do find compliments to be somewhat manipulative in many cases, it really depends on how were vibing in general.

But being complimented is NOT going to increase my attraction to him. Nor is him being "kind and compassionate."

Yes those qualities are lovely and I prefer a man be kind and compassionate but again, it's not going to create or increase my "attraction to" him if it wasn't there in the first place.

I realize @The Shark101comes off harsh but imo (as a woman) there is some truth to what he posts. 

Yea I've learned some women don't like compliments at all and find them cringe. So it's a gamble every time I say them. I try not to overdo it with anyone though as I've learned the hard way recently. She gave me a bunch of compliments so I gave a bunch back. So what qualities increase your attraction? Confidence?

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, cooldude123 said:

Yea I've learned some women don't like compliments at all and find them cringe. So it's a gamble every time I say them. I try not to overdo it with anyone though. So what qualities increase your attraction? Confidence?

It doesn't matter what attracts me, I'm one woman.

I suggest reading some of Robert Greene's work, Google him for a list.

The Art of Seduction and 48 Laws of Power are both good reads for starters. 

You can listen to some of his podcasts and watch his videos too.

Observe, experience, read, learn is my advice.

 

[cooldude123]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It doesn't matter what attracts me, I'm one woman.

I suggest reading some of Robert Greene's work, Google him for a list.

The Art of Seduction and 48 Laws of Power are both good reads for starters. 

You can listen to some of his podcasts and watch his videos too.

Observe, experience, read, learn is my advice.

 

I'm listening to a podcast with Robert now. He seems like a pretty inspiring guy so far

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, cooldude123 said:

I'm listening to a podcast with Robert now. He seems like a pretty inspiring guy so far

Awesome!! 

[ShySoul]

On 9/17/2024 at 10:14 AM, cooldude123 said:

Yea I've learned some women don't like compliments at all and find them cringe. So it's a gamble every time I say them. I try not to overdo it with anyone though as I've learned the hard way recently. She gave me a bunch of compliments so I gave a bunch back. So what qualities increase your attraction? Confidence?

Be you. With the kind of woman you will want to be with you won't need to increase attraction. The attraction will be there and it will come naturally. And it sounds like this person likes compliments, so you're doing well.

Also don't worry about seducing or power. That's not what relationships are about. And those that involve it tend to be toxic and unhappy. Relationships are about giving, sharing, caring. They are about heart and compassion. That is that opposite of seduction and power. 

I've seen good guys hurt themselves by thinking they need to follow tips or do anything different. Don't. You already know everything you need to know. Be you, treat people well. When the right person comes along, that's all you really need.

[ShySoul]

On 9/16/2024 at 9:21 PM, The Shark101 said:

I couldn't finished reading your post, it's so cringe. And after they finished crying on your shoulder and using you as an emotional tampon they are going and dating the men they are really desire. You sound like you're their best girlfriend. 

This is a dating forum and nothing you said will help anyone with their dating issues, if at all, it'll make their life harder.

So you are being critical of comments that you admit you didn't even finish reading? Not a very logical argument.

My words have lead to multiple people on this board having relationships. My best friend in college thought the exact same way and got a relationship out of it. My words have been echoed by the vast majority of women I've known.  And my beliefs have got numerous women attracted to me.  It's lead to multiple women saying they love me. It's lead to kisses and physical intimacy. 

Seems like nice, caring, compassionate gentlemen who take the time to listen and support the person they care about is something that a good number of women desire. 

On the other hand, guys who are quick to jump to conclusions, who put down people for being nice and who have to think of things in terms of games of ego and manipulation - generally receive harsh criticism from the womenfolk.

[Andrina]

On 9/16/2024 at 3:32 PM, cooldude123 said:

Personally I just think I'm not flirty enough, I don't really know how to flirt aside from giving compliments or saying sweet things

You asked what women are attracted to. I think both men and women are attracted to people who love life. Someone who has a fulfilling life besides dating, and keeps up with that life even while dating (not all of a sudden ignoring friends and hobbies). 

I know I've found it enticing if a guy opened my world to introduce me to new hobbies he was into that I could also enjoy like scuba diving. Bringing me to concerts of particular bands he was into, and then I began to become a fan as well. 

I like a genuine compliment but too much becomes gushing.

Don't feel forced to flirt at those beginning meets. Showing a woman you're enjoying her company is just fine. That's just being present, asking safe questions like if she has pets, what she likes about her job, etc., and asking followup questions while letting her in on your life.

And once you've put in effort with a few dates, sit back and see if a woman puts in her own efforts. Value yourself that you're a treasure and deserve to be treated as one. If a person doesn't put in a similar effort, you will stay free to find the keeper. That is what confidence is and your thoughts will reflect in your demeanor, even if you don't verbally express what's inside your head.

 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I like a genuine compliment but too much becomes gushing.

Same and I agree with Andrina's post about loving life. It doesn't have to be scuba diving - one long term boyfriend introduced me to country music and took me to several operas.  Another had us read Ovid together lol.  We shared our work and volunteer work especially when it contributed to the community or the broader world.  My husband and I have been watching Doctor Zhivago -one of his favorite all time movies that I've never seen.

It's very often a dance of intimacy - meaning the couple comes together then steps apart and takes space in a natural way. Missing each other is a good thing then coming together to share stories of what you've been doing, etc when apart.

A new work friend I made over the last several years told me she likes meeting up with me because "I ask good follow up questions" meaning I am interested but don't pry etc.  We both like reading and have a lot of common interests in books.  She's really into rescuing cats and cycling.  I find I ask better follow up questions when I myself have a life with stuff going on -it motivates me to be even more curious about what others are up to.

Good luck!

[ShySoul]

On 9/16/2024 at 12:32 PM, cooldude123 said:

Personally I just think I'm not flirty enough, I don't really know how to flirt aside from giving compliments or saying sweet things.

Flirting can be different things to different people. There is no one way or right way to flirt. There is really only the way that feels right for you.

I'm like you. I compliment. I say sweet things. I rebel against anything that could be considered teasing or c*cky. Being like that wouldn't be staying true to me and would probably come out wrong anyway. I just let go with goofy sense of humor and focus on having fun with the person. And it's generally been appreciated.

Flirting isn't something you plan for or know how to do. It's something that should just happen, something that flows naturally when it's with the right person. If there is no chemistry between you, nothing you say or do will make the difference. But with some people there is a natural connection, where you just click. They banter, the jokes, the laughs all come without effort. You get each others humor. You can play off of each other. You just have fun with it and find yourself doing things that would be considered flirting without you even realizing it.

Enthusiasm, sincerity, and genuine interest and compassion for another are the things you will really need. Stick to being you, treat people well, and when it's the right person, it will work out.

 

[cooldude123]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Sorry it took a while for me to respond. I didn't know anyone else commented on this thread. All of your advice was very good and I appreciate it.