My (27F) boyfriend (31M) refuses to sign a prenup?

[SophiaG]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Doctor with good specialization sure. But at 27? Eh, I highly doubt it.

Seems like my sarcasm was too subtle! 😅

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

The point people are making is that she does research not medical practice so the pay may be different. 

Oh, I was being sarcastic with that comment meaning even for a talented young doctor who managed to finish med school, residency, etc. by 27 it'd still be unlikely to immediately start earning the doctor average which probably requires at least a bit more experience.

And I would agree prenups are a new trend that's becoming increasingly popular and might be the norm in near future. People who go to the same schools or come from similar backgrounds can have quite different earning growth/potential due to different careers etc. In an ideal world they should be able to negotiate the matters in a fair and civic matter in case of a divorce but many do get vindictive and selfish in those situations...

[SophiaG]

Did I misread? I thought the OP had been with her bf for a year. That might still be too soon for some but I think it's long enough to start discussing the future. 

[Tinydance]

50 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Did I misread? I thought the OP had been with her bf for a year. That might still be too soon for some but I think it's long enough to start discussing the future. 

Yes I actually saw her say they were together for a year in the first sentence of the post. I do think if this guy made too many comments about her money and asked how much is in the bank account, yes that's suspicious. I also don't think someone should get married if they don't want to. I don't think anyone should force themselves if that's not for them. 

To address the other things though...In general I don't think it's weird to get engaged after one year. I got engaged after one year to my ex. I also don't necessarily think that every person who is dating someone with higher salary and more assets than them ONLY wants them for their assets. Maybe 100 years ago for example women would get pushed by their parents to marry a well off guy. Nowadays some people earn more, some less. In many couples one earns a lot more and sometimes it's a woman. I don't think in Australia many people get a prenup and I haven't met anybody who got one. But I don't mingle in rich circles, though I do know some people who earn a lot.

I got the impression that in relationships where the man is well off, it's usually considered normal by society, as well as the man himself. People don't necessarily think of their wife as the gold digger. Unless it's blatantly obvious when the guy is extremely rich and he's old but the woman is a beautiful 20-year-old.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but I just find it a bit off putting that OP was saying she came from a lot of wealth to begin with. Of course she earnt her doctor's degree but I got the impression that everything else she was just given. And it just turns me off when someone really rich just automatically thinks: "This poor peasant person will only just want my money so I better make sure they don't get any." Rich people look down on others and it's like you're looking down on your partner. But that partner could be working full-time and also have a degree and are happy to support themselves. Just because someone isn't rich doesn't equal gold digger. Maybe in the case of this guy it actually does but I was just speaking in general.

[rainbowsandroses]

56 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Did I misread? I thought the OP had been with her bf for a year.

No, you didn't misread Sophia, they've been dating a year but got together 3 months after his divorce last year...

 

[The Shark101]

On 9/14/2024 at 8:35 PM, Lovelee56 said:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He is recently divorced (last year) and we started dating around 3 months after. So far I have no complaints, he treats me well. 
To give background, I'm a doctor and make around 350k a year, while he's a software engineer making 90k a year. I have several rental properties, investments, and future inheritance from my family. My boyfriend doesn't have assets aside from his house and has some money in 401k however he states he has never maxed out the amount in the past few years. I pay for most things in our relationship which has mostly been dates and I have taken care of some of larger expenses for him (e.g. boarding his dogs while he go on trips and gifts for his family during holidays). I don't mind doing so because I do make significantly more and he does pay for dates occasionally. 
Recently he has been pushing the idea of marriage, which at first I found strange because he initially told me that he didn't want to rush into anything after being divorced which I agreed to because to be honest I never cared about marriage and felt like you can be committed to someone without the legal document. We were talking about it and I casually mentioned a prenup. He immediately got upset and said that I don't trust him and it's an easy out for me to leave the marriage. He also said if we divorce, he doesn't have financial security aside from moving back in with his parents. Because I grew up very comfortable financially, my father always advised me to sign a prenup because of my career and because of the family wealth just in case, and I always follow his advice. I thought it was weird how he would object especially since he is divorced, but he said him and his ex didn't have a prenup and she didn't take anything from him (he agreed to sign the prenup as long as he doesn't have to pay alimony and can keep the house). 
I'm becoming a bit suspicious because my boyfriend has opened up to me about how in his previous marriage, he was the provider and could never get his savings up because his ex was always spending his money and she only worked minimum wage jobs. He says it's a relief to him to finally have someone like me to "give him security and not be worried if he loses his job because he can rely on me." He has also made weirdly specific suggestions, such as recommending that we join bank accounts (even before marriage) and max out both of our retirement accounts. 
One night he kept insisting that I tell him how much is in my bank account and when I told him he made a comment like, "Wow, you have my whole salary in your bank." He has also been saying that his job is stressful and he would like to take a break for a while and I feel like he's hinting that he wants me to support him. 
I do love him but I feel like he sees me as financial security and I don't like that feeling. He insists that he doesn't want me for money but now I'm hesistent to follow through with the relationship because it seems like it's a big part for him.. 

I didn't read any of the comments so maybe it's already mentioned.
But I'll not marry someone who refuses to sign a prenup for a very simple reason; if he wasn't want your money, he wouldn't have any problem signing it. Him pulling the "Trust" cards, is his way to gaslight you. 
Let's look at it differently: if he was financially better off than you, he would have no problem sign the prenup,  but because the situation is the opposite, he's not happy to sign, and you need to ask yourself why? Well , for me the answer is clear. 

[TeeDee]

Lovelee56

Good for you!  Congrats on your achievements.  Don't worry about the nay sayers. 

DH & I have a pre-nup.  At the time I was the primary bread winner & I had a lot of assets.  He caught up in earnings & my business took a nasty hit in Covid.  We have since acquired joint assets.  

This is the way I looked at it.  Marriage is about love.  Divorce is about money.  Negotiating a pre nup is about disclosure.  You are both working together to draft a binding contract in the hopes you don't need it.  When you are in love & things are good it's so much easier to be rational & even generous.  Getting a divorce when the person who promised to love you forever is walking away makes people angry & bitter; it becomes all about winning rather than dissolving a marriage that isn't working so everybody can walk away quickly & peacefully.   

IMO getting all the financials together & talking through these thorny  subjects inoculated our marriage against divorce because we were forced to learn how to communicate, how to trust & how to be vulnerable.  All the cards have to be on the table for the pre-nup to be valid.   We front loaded the tough stuff.  

Plus to me it was a karma thing.  If we had one we wouldn't need one. 

Finally your BF needs to know that the longer a marriage goes on the less valid the pre-nup is.   

Don't rush into marriage but do protect yourself if you do take the plunge.  

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/14/2024 at 8:21 AM, Lovelee56 said:

I'm really surprised at the viciousness here about the high salary? I'm not sure why it's so offensive to everyone. 

No one is offended.  I too also feel you may have embellished the salary figures to manipulate the outlook of your situation.  For your field, from getting get Bachelors, Masters, then PHD, you would have only just finished.  No corporation is about to give someone straight out from the program a mid six figure salary, even if they go into biomechanical engineering.

Sounds like you are factoring other sources of income such as from a trust or rental income that may have been part of your trust from family, which is fine. There is nothing wrong with generational wealth.  Just know, your boyfriend's earning potential as a software engineer is high as well.

And remember, what a person earns doesn't make them a good partner or a good person.  I think you just don't want to marry this guy (period)

My hubs agreed to a pre-nup.  But, I found out I was prego before the wedding, and tossed that request out the window. What's mine is his and vice versa.  A decade later, he out earns me now.