People who make claims of being well off say one thing and do another

[WorkSux56]

I am pretty well screwed financially. It's my fault as I am just BAD BAD BAD with money management. It's like a sickness with me. I'll probably be in this financial hole for the rest of my life. There are two individuals who I know who have made claims of being "very well off" money wise. I haven't said a single word to them regarding my situation because, quite frankly, it's extremely embarrassing. I mean, it's so embarrassing, it would make the biggest bum in the world laugh themselves to tears. Anyways, each of these individuals have told me, in so many words "I tell ya. I am BLESSED beyond measure. I have WAY more money that I will ever need. If you ever find yourself in a jam, you just let me know. I gotcha". Well, I certainly kept that mind. I didn't want to have to discuss my financial situation with them. But, it was to the point where I was ready to break the glass in case of an emergency. I wasn't looking for a bailout, but rather a loan. So, I went to each person who claimed to be "very well off" and who each said, on separate occasions how they "had my back", money wise, if I ever got into a jam. 

Despite the way they phrased it, I was still very much hat in hand when I went to them. On BOTH occasions, I said this wasn't easy by any means, but remembering what they told me about I could come to them if I ever got in a jam, I am here. That is ALL I got out. Each individual gave me complete metal whiplash. They dressed me down immediately. And not because of my financial situation, because I never made it that far in what I was telling them. All I said was "well, here I am". I was told "yeah....I remember what I said. But...do you think that that means that I just have money lying around? Well, it sure doesn't!! I am extremely well off, sure. But, I didn't get that way by being STUPID with money". Again, I had not even told them one thing about my situation. It's just weird to me that here are two people who don't know each other, who have both told me how well off they are, money wise. They have both told me if I ever needed anything, they got me. I go to each one, hat in hand, barely get five words out, and they blow a gasket, practically screaming about how being well off and having money lying around are two entirely different things. Maybe I misunderstood it completely, but "I have WAY more money than I'll ever need" kind of sounded like they had at least a little something to spare, as far as a loan. 

So, needless to say, this raises a few questions. Are they not really "well off" and just lied about it? I know that lying is quite common, but why tell me that they have all this money and they "got my back" if I ever got into a jam, financially, only to get angry and defensive later? What would that accomplish? Is it just a sick joke? Did they immediately regret saying anything to me and just silently hoped I'd never take them up on it? I could understand if they dressed me down once I told them about my situation. But to just automatically go into a defensive stance, shouting about how they don't have money just lying around before I can get five words out is just head scratching to me

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, WorkSux56 said:

So, needless to say, this raises a few questions. Are they not really "well off" and just lied about it?

I already told this story here, but when my friend was in USA, he was on work and travel visa on 6 months and 3 months he worked as life guard and 3 months he could do whatever. So he joined his cousin in New York and they did ceramic tiles in bathrooms for rich people. Anyway, they were in a diner with some rich guy negotiating work. While they were eating, a beggar came to rich guy and asked for a cigarette. Rich guy gave him one. But beggar, when he smoked one, asked for another. So rich guy said “50 cents”. Beggar took out 50 cents and rich guy handed him one more cig. Anyway, my friend was in shock. So he asked rich guy why he just didnt give beggar one more cigarette. Rich guy said: “Beggar maybe doesnt have 5 dollars for whole pack, but if he wants to smoke he has 50 cents for 2 cigarettes.”

Anyway, your friends truly probably have money. People who do usually dont throw it around and wont just give it to you. Rich people are indeed stingy with money. That is how they are rich.

[WorkSux56]

That's a good point. I just wonder why they would tell me, completely unsolicited, that they "got my back" if ever I got into a jam, only to get angry and defensive later when I approached them. I didn't even get a chance to explain anything before they were saying that being well off didn't equate to having money just lying around. One even said that he was offended by me thinking that I could come to him, even though he had said "don't ever hesitate to ask". 

[Seraphim]

By that I think they meant , dinner , a coffee at the most $100. They didn’t mean thousands of dollars. Even rich people don’t hand that out . 

[Starlight925]

Instead of analyzing why they said this and seemed to backtrack, instead of resigning yourself to be this way with money forever, why not put your energy towards figuring out how to be better with money yourself so that you never find yourself in this position again?

[Kampuniform3]

As Bobby Leecan sang:

”Because nobody knows you

When you’re down and out

In your pocket not one penny

And as for friends, you don’t have any”

Regarding your friends, and their previous offers, never ever follow through on them.

They weren’t stated for your benefit, but theirs. It’s called inverted narcissism, and they were throwaway comments designed to provide the user with a quick dopamine hit.

Yes, they could very well have an Aladdin’s Cave of wealth, but every wealthy friend I’ve ever known was penny wise, and had a monomaniacal obsession with gaining and maintaining their horde.

A last piece of advice coming from a guy who’s been down a few times…really down: When your social value goes to zero, say nothing about your situation, and isolate yourself until you pull yourself up again.
 

When you’re down, peoples natural tendency is to start kicking. Friends, family, coworkers, it doesn’t matter, they’ll drop you like a rock.

 

 

[WorkSux56]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

By that I think they meant , dinner , a coffee at the most $100. They didn’t mean thousands of dollars. Even rich people don’t hand that out . 

In both cases, all I got out was "say, remember when you said if I ever needed anything". They had no idea what I was asking for. And it would have been a loan and not a bailout, of course. But, they got really upset really quickly. Almost like a "oh so you think you're entitled to MY wealth now?" vibe 

[WorkSux56]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Instead of analyzing why they said this and seemed to backtrack, instead of resigning yourself to be this way with money forever, why not put your energy towards figuring out how to be better with money yourself so that you never find yourself in this position again?

No, I get that. Believe me, that wasn't lost on me. And I know I can't borrow my way out of anything. The thing that got me was, why would they give me this false sense of available help? Completely unsolicited, I might add. It wasn't easy for me to go to them. And I never even got a chance to even explain my situation before they were practically screaming at me about how they don't have money just lying around and they didn't get to where they are by being stupid and money doesn't grow on trees and this and that. I would HATE to have heard what all they would have told me had I actually explained my situation to them. Not that they would have been wrong. 

[Batya33]

Two individuals who you know don't make a pattern -please do not generalize.  Perhaps it had to do with how  you asked/your timing/what you asked for and the reasons why you said you needed the money. I am very comfortable financially. I've never made the offer to anyone your friends did (I have to certain family members in specific situations) but I am generous with giving to charity and I have given money to friends including in gofundme situations or covered them for certain expenses.  i don't feel I'm obligated to give just because I have money. I want to give.

I highly recommend the book Stacked for your situation.  Why should others help you when your attitude is oh well I'm just awful with money management.

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

In both cases, all I got out was "say, remember when you said if I ever needed anything". They had no idea what I was asking for. And it would have been a loan and not a bailout, of course. But, they got really upset really quickly. Almost like a "oh so you think you're entitled to MY wealth now?" vibe 

Thing is this is all distraction. Put all your energy into getting out of your mess . Other people really aren’t part of the equation. 

[Kampuniform3]

17 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

That's a good point. I just wonder why they would tell me, completely unsolicited, that they "got my back" if ever I got into a jam, only to get angry and defensive later when I approached them. I didn't even get a chance to explain anything before they were saying that being well off didn't equate to having money just lying around. One even said that he was offended by me thinking that I could come to him, even though he had said "don't ever hesitate to ask". 

Because they were token gestures, and had the same staying value as if they were written in the wind, or swiftly flowing water.

[WorkSux56]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Two individuals who you know don't make a pattern -please do not generalize.  Perhaps it had to do with how  you asked/your timing/what you asked for and the reasons why you said you needed the money. I am very comfortable financially. I've never made the offer to anyone your friends did but I am generous with giving to charity and I have given money to friends including in gofundme situations or covered them for certain expenses.  i don't feel I'm obligated to give just because I have money. I want to give.

I wasn't "generalizing". I was just pointing out that two separate individuals said to me that they had way more money than they'd ever need and they had my back if I ever got into a jam. Again, that was completely unsolicited. It just popped into my mind that maybe that was an avenue of help, like a loan, not a bailout. Then they tell me where to get off before I can get 5 words out. I don't know, maybe they thought they could sense a "here comes his hand out, palm facing skyward" moment and they went on the defensive. 

[WorkSux56]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Thing is this is all distraction. Put all your energy into getting out of your mess . Other people really aren’t part of the equation. 

Believe it or not, going to someone with money was part of my strategy. It wasn't just about saying "hey man....help a brother out...you got money and I got squat". It was also about getting some guidance from someone who is successful 

[WorkSux56]

30 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

By that I think they meant , dinner , a coffee at the most $100. They didn’t mean thousands of dollars. Even rich people don’t hand that out . 

Why does everybody automatically assume that asking for a loan is really asking for a gift? 

[WorkSux56]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why should others help you when your attitude is oh well I'm just awful with money management.

I keep saying, ALL I got out was "remember when you said if I ever needed anything? Well, here I am". They both somehow deduced (incorrectly) that I was there with my hand out. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, WorkSux56 said:

I keep saying, ALL I got out was "remember when you said if I ever needed anything? Well, here I am". They both somehow deduced (incorrectly) that I was there with my hand out. 

But your title generalizes.  I agree with Seraphim. You don't get a pass for being bad with money management.  Get help, do what it takes to improve.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

Why does everybody automatically assume that asking for a loan is really asking for a gift? 

Because friends who loan money are advised to think of it as a gift because very often it ends up that way -so we're advised only to give what we are willing to lose.

[WorkSux56]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But your title generalizes.  I agree with Seraphim. You don't get a pass for being bad with money management.  Get help, do what it takes to improve.

Well people need to quit sauntering up to me like movie stars who just got out of a limo and talking about how they "got my back" only to scream their heads off later. When somebody boasts of having more money than God, a person like me is going to naturally think of that as a loan option and as a way to begin bettering my situation 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

Believe it or not, going to someone with money was part of my strategy. It wasn't just about saying "hey man....help a brother out...you got money and I got squat". It was also about getting some guidance from someone who is successful 

Yes then you don't ask for money. You ask for advice or for resources they recommend for advice.  I advised you to check out the book Stacked.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, WorkSux56 said:

Well people need to quit sauntering up to me like and talking about how they "got my back" only to scream their heads off later. 

Two individuals said this to you not people.  Again you are the common denominator -it might be the way in which you approached them/amount you asked for/timing.

[WorkSux56]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Two individuals said this to you not people.  Again you are the common denominator -it might be the way in which you approached them/amount you asked for/timing.

Goodness gracious. I have expounded on this several times now! I NEVER got that far before they cut me off. All I said was "say...remember when you said you had my back if I got in a jam? Well...here's my situation". I never got to explain my situation before they went to pieces on me talking about not having money lying around, etc. I never asked for an amount. At that point, all I was about to do was explain my situation. But I was never given that chance before they went zero to fighting mad in about half a second 

[Seraphim]

Okay, but right now they have refused so you have to move beyond that solution. It is all just distracting yourself now . 

[Jaunty]

55 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

I wasn't "generalizing". I was just pointing out that two separate individuals said to me that they had way more money than they'd ever need and they had my back if I ever got into a jam. 

You'll probably be angry with me for saying this but I actually do not believe that you have 2 friends who said this to you.

Perhaps this is what you *heard* but highly unlikely that it's what they said.   

People often say things like "if you need anything hit me up."   

First, they are not really expecting to be hit up. Second, they are not talking about financially bailing out an adult who has taken no responsibility for their own welfare.

There is context to consider as well.  You say you've always been a financial mess.  Maybe there have been times that you were making a real effort.  At those times someone may have been inspired to "have your back."   But when you're just doing "you" and behaving irresponsibly ... the inspiration fades quick.

 

 

[Seraphim]

56 minutes ago, WorkSux56 said:

Why does everybody automatically assume that asking for a loan is really asking for a gift? 

Because you should never give what you’re not willing to lose whether a gift or a loan. You said you are BAD with money which implies it would be a gift . 

[WorkSux56]

18 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You'll probably be angry with me for saying this but I actually do not believe that you have 2 friends who said this to you.

Perhaps this is what you *heard* but highly unlikely that it's what they said.   

People often say things like "if you need anything hit me up."   

First, they are not really expecting to be hit up. Second, they are not talking about financially bailing out an adult who has taken no responsibility for their own welfare.

There is context to consider as well.  You say you've always been a financial mess.  Maybe there have been times that you were making a real effort.  At those times someone may have been inspired to "have your back."   But when you're just doing "you" and behaving irresponsibly ... the inspiration fades quick.

 

 

"I have WAY more money than I'll ever need. If you ever get into a jam, financially, don't hesitate to ask. I've got your back". There's the quote. And I wasn't looking for a bailout. A loan, sure, but not a bailout. But, maybe to them, a loan is a bailout by another name