Am I attracted or not ?

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

This is weird to me as well. 

It's more complicated that that, I think.

The first time, we had dinner at a restaurant together and despite my protest, he paid. I immediately said after the dinner that I "didn't want more than friendship blabla", to which he replied with a long message that he wanted to spend time with interesting people, and that he thought that all kind of relationships (romantic, friendship etc ...) could evolve (or not) with time according to compatibility etc ... (I am not sure I mentioned this, I had forgotten about this part)

Some things are lost in translation, but he basically said "I understand, I am okay with this. And we will see as time passes anyway". He also added that I could ask him if I wanted to know more about his perspective, and I thought it was mature. 

He comes back from his trip, we go out to have dinner several time, went to see a movie etc ... and you know the story, he gets more and more touchy. 

Reading his old text again, I just think he tried to push for more than friendship but there was no conversation about it. 

@rainbowsandroses "He said he thought all kinds of relationships, including friendships, can evolve with compatibility." I could be wrong but to me that sounded like code for: "Yes I'll be your friend for now but I want more." Then he continued to take her out for dinner and movies.

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

@rainbowsandroses "He said he thought all kinds of relationships, including friendships, can evolve with compatibility." I could be wrong but to me that sounded like code for: "Yes I'll be your friend for now but I want more." Then he continued to take her out for dinner and movies.

Okay I missed that, thanks for finding and posting.

I interpret his comment as a general statement that he would "be open" to more if it ever evolved into that.  But right now he's good with a friendship. 

Just my read, I could be wrong and therefore open to the possibility.

I dunno again I just have an uncomfortable "feel" about it.  That's all. 

Also, here in the U.S there is something called "kino" which means:

""The act of making flirtatious physical contact with a person of sexual interest. Generally considered to be a vital tool in one's "game belt."

As I said, in my experience men who are serious about developing a relationship with a woman are more mindful of not offending so they hold off a bit on that type of thing. 

Perhaps it's different in other countries or @Shycarrot's country so I will back off from posting any more about it. 

@Shycarrotdo what you feel is best and let chips fall where they may. 

Good luck and keep us posted. 💛

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay I missed that, thanks for finding and posting.

I interpret his comment as a general statement that he would "be open" to more if it ever evolved into that.  But right now he's good with a friendship. 

Just my read, I could be wrong and therefore open to the possibility.

I dunno again I just have an uncomfortable "feel" about it.  That's all. 

Also, here in the U.S there is something called "kino" which means:

""The act of making flirtatious physical contact with a person of sexual interest. Generally considered to be a vital tool in one's "game belt."

Hopefully I can get some action by using a little kino on the ladies tonight."

As I said, in my experience men who are serious about developing a relationship with a woman are more mindful of not offending so they hold off a bit on that type of thing. 

Perhaps it's different in other countries or @Shycarrot's country so I will back off from posting any more about it. 

@Shycarrotdo what you feel is best and let chips fall where they may. 

Good luck and keep us posted. 💛

Never heard of kino before! But definitely heard the saying: "Another notch on my belt", which I think is sort of what you're referring to. 

I don't think we can necessarily say why this guy is doing this. I didn't see any signs that he's trying to get sex. She said they've hung out at her/his place and cooked together and he didn't do anything. He's also been told he's a friend so he's not asking her out because he got told that.

It seems he can't win. If he just acts like a friend, it's like "he's not into you, he's not texting you, he's not paying attention to you." And if he acts more flirtatious, it's like: "get away creep". Lol 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

And if he acts more flirtatious, it's like: "get away creep". Lol 

Well, I think there is a way to flirt without actually physically touching in the way that he did... and so soon (second meet/hangout).  And after she told him she only wants a friendship.

Which let's not forget @ShycarrotDID become aroused by.  Which is the purpose of kino.  To sexually arouse the recipient.  So he succeeded in that regard.

But you're right, I am being negative, speculating and projecting based on my experiences, it could be the exact opposite!

I still don't have a good feel about it but I am not the one involved, @Shycarrotis.

I did want to express my POV though fwiw and it's @Shycarrotchoice what she wants to do with it, if anything.

Don't assume anything either way, proceed as planned and talk to him the next time she aees him for clarity. 

[yogacat]

34 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Never heard of kino before! But definitely heard the saying: "Another notch on my belt", which I think is sort of what you're referring to. 

I don't think we can necessarily say why this guy is doing this. I didn't see any signs that he's trying to get sex. She said they've hung out at her/his place and cooked together and he didn't do anything. He's also been told he's a friend so he's not asking her out because he got told that.

It seems he can't win. If he just acts like a friend, it's like "he's not into you, he's not texting you, he's not paying attention to you." And if he acts more flirtatious, it's like: "get away creep". Lol 

Agree. Kino is a highly manipulative technique. It's all about getting "into her space" and making her "feel it" when you touch her. It's often taught as a way to "escalate the mood" and make the girl see you as a lover rather than a friend. In a way, it is just another version of the "notch on the belt" mentality, just a bit more covert in its methods.

I don't think we can ever know for sure why a guy is behaving a certain way. It could be for validation, attention, sexual tension, or genuine interest.

Now, could this man be trying to escalate physically? Sure, but I don't think it's fair to accuse him without solid evidence. Just because he's showing attraction doesn't mean he's automatically a manipulative creep.

And, as you pointed out, he's in a lose-lose situation no matter what he does.

[Tinydance]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well, I think there is a way to flirt without actually physically touching in the way that he did... and so soon (second meet/hangout).

Which let's not forget @ShycarrotDID become aroused by.  Which is the purpose of kino.  To sexually arouse the recipient.  So he succeeded in that regard.

But you're right, I am being negative, speculating and projecting based on my experiences, it could be the exact opposite!

I still don't have a good feel about it but I am not the one involved, @Shycarrotis.

I did want to express my POV though fwiw and it's @Shycarrotchoice what she wants to do with it, if anything.

Don't assume anything either way, proceed as planned and talk to him the next time she aees him for clarity. 

I just find it a bit odd that you said it's your "intuition" telling you something bad about this guy. I don't really think you can have intuition about someone you've never met or seen. And you can't feel their vibe if you haven't. But if you feel something that's valid of course but I just don't get that.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Agree. Kino is a highly manipulative technique. It's all about getting "into her space" and making her "feel it" when you touch her. It's often taught as a way to "escalate the mood" and make the girl see you as a lover rather than a friend. In a way, it is just another version of the "notch on the belt" mentality, just a bit more covert in its methods.

I don't think we can ever know for sure why a guy is behaving a certain way. It could be for validation, attention, sexual tension, or genuine interest.

Now, could this man be trying to escalate physically? Sure, but I don't think it's fair to accuse him without solid evidence. Just because he's showing attraction doesn't mean he's automatically a manipulative creep.

And, as you pointed out, he's in a lose-lose situation no matter what he does.

I could be wrong but to me there's flirting which isn't sexual or trying to get sex. It's like, you like them and you're trying to show them. Like if they say something funny and you laugh and touch their arm and you're like: "That's hilarious". Or they say they had a bad day and you put your arm around their back. It's totally fine to say: "Hey don't do that, I don't like that." But she NEVER said that. She actually likes this guy, she said all that herself. So he wasn't told either verbally or probably by her body language that she doesn't want that. And in fact it seems she DOES want that.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I don't really understand why some people have said negative things about this guy.

Obviously people may feel differently but for me specifically two things about this guy feel off. First, being "touchy feely" especially using excuses like comforting OP while OP has stated she only wanted to be friends. OP eventually realized that she had feelings as well, but he did not know this and his actions still crossed her boundaries. Second, leaving her on read until after the day(s) mentioned while they were making plans to meet up.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

He took you out to dinner back in July and he paid. When a guy invites you out and pays, that really sounds like a date.

I think this really depends on the culture but even if those were dates, him paying for dinner doesn't automatically give him permission to touch her.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

And he gets called dodgy because he's now acting in accordance with being told he's just a friend.

Dropping the ball when making plans is not acting in accordance with being friends IMO. It's rude behavior and indicates low interest even if they are merely friends/acquaintances.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

@rainbowsandroses "He said he thought all kinds of relationships, including friendships, can evolve with compatibility." I could be wrong but to me that sounded like code for: "Yes I'll be your friend for now but I want more." Then he continued to take her out for dinner and movies.

Something might have been lost in translation but this statement sounds to me vague enough to be interpreted in any number of ways. Let's assume he sees himself as a "suitor" but:

31 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

It seems he can't win. If he just acts like a friend, it's like "he's not into you, he's not texting you, he's not paying attention to you." And if he acts more flirtatious, it's like: "get away creep". Lol 

IMO he wasn't acting either like a platonic friend or someone who's pursuing OP for a relationship. Now, it's okay to be somewhere in between, but his actions don't really align with the best course of action with either of these goals. A good friend will not be "touchy feely" in ways that sexually arouse OP and will not leave her hanging regarding when they can meet up. A decent man who's pursuing OP for something serious also won't leave her hanging and probably won't touch her in ways that might turn her off/scare her away either. So I can see why @rainbowsandroses assumed he's not after a relationship but something else. Granted we are all speculating based on the limited information here and anything is possible, so I just hope OP to proceed with caution and find out more soon.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I just find it a bit odd that you said it's your "intuition" telling you something bad about this guy. I don't really think you can have intuition about someone you've never met or seen. And you can't feel their vibe if you haven't. But if you feel something that's valid of course but I just don't get that.

I disagree Tiny, I am highly intuitive and not just about my own life but others.  Proven true many times over. 

It's not a vibe, it's a "gut feeling."  And based on everything I've read, my gut feeling is something sounds off.

But gut feelings can be wrong which is possible here, we shall see after she speaks with him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Obviously people may feel differently but for me specifically two things about this guy feel off. First, being "touchy feely" especially using excuses like comforting OP while OP has stated she only wanted to be friends. OP eventually realized that she had feelings as well, but he did not know this and his actions still crossed her boundaries. Second, leaving her on read until after the day(s) mentioned while they were making plans to meet up.

I think this really depends on the culture but even if those were dates, him paying for dinner doesn't automatically give him permission to touch her.

Dropping the ball when making plans is not acting in accordance with being friends IMO. It's rude behavior and indicates low interest even if they are merely friends/acquaintances.

Something might have been lost in translation but this statement sounds to me vague enough to be interpreted in any number of ways. Let's assume he sees himself as a "suitor" but:

IMO he wasn't acting either like a platonic friend or someone who's pursuing OP for a relationship. Now, it's okay to be somewhere in between, but his actions don't really align with the best course of action with either of these goals. A good friend will not be "touchy feely" in ways that sexually arouse OP and will not leave her hanging regarding when they can meet up. A decent man who's pursuing OP for something serious also won't leave her hanging and probably won't touch her in ways that might turn her off/scare her away either. So I can see why @rainbowsandroses assumed he's not after a relationship but something else. Granted we are all speculating based on the limited information here and anything is possible, so I just hope OP to proceed with caution and find out more soon.

^^Very well said, better than I !! 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

So he probably knows that I appreciate him to some extent. I don't know if he finds my behavior unnatural, but it's likely that he finds it confusing. 

I can't wait to see him again one-on-one 😅

Well, you're what some would call, a tease. I don't say that to insult you - at all. 

You have to be clear and honest with this guy about your feelings and boundaries. If you're not interested in anything more than friendship, you need to make that very clear to him. If you are interested in exploring a potential romantic relationship with him, you also need to be clear about that. 

I only say that because from his perspective, it sounds like you may be giving him mixed signals. I am a master of mixed signals, so I can fully attest to how frustrating and confusing it can be when someone acts one way then randomly pulls away or sets boundaries without explanation or reason. 

It also sounds like you're in your head about it and maybe talking yourself into having feelings for him because he's there and he's nice and you feel like you should be attracted to him based on his personality (which, ftr, is a terrible way to go about dating in my experience). 

You say he assesses your feelings for him by your behavior, but if you're constantly in your head thinking about how to act so as not to give the wrong impression or coming up with rationalizations for things that should be simple, then your behavior is likely being affected by those thoughts, like...that's pretty much the definition of "unnatural" and I've found that it often reveals itself in the form of mixed signals. 

[Tinydance]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Well, you're what some would call, a tease. I don't say that to insult you - at all. 

You have to be clear and honest with this guy about your feelings and boundaries. If you're not interested in anything more than friendship, you need to make that very clear to him. If you are interested in exploring a potential romantic relationship with him, you also need to be clear about that. 

I only say that because from his perspective, it sounds like you may be giving him mixed signals. I am a master of mixed signals, so I can fully attest to how frustrating and confusing it can be when someone acts one way then randomly pulls away or sets boundaries without explanation or reason. 

It also sounds like you're in your head about it and maybe talking yourself into having feelings for him because he's there and he's nice and you feel like you should be attracted to him based on his personality (which, ftr, is a terrible way to go about dating in my experience). 

You say he assesses your feelings for him by your behavior, but if you're constantly in your head thinking about how to act so as not to give the wrong impression or coming up with rationalizations for things that should be simple, then your behavior is likely being affected by those thoughts, like...that's pretty much the definition of "unnatural" and I've found that it often reveals itself in the form of mixed signals. 

Yes I was literally going to say all the same. But if you read some of OP's comments, especially later ones, she said she does like him and want "more". And look, people do change their mind how they feel. That part isn't the problem. The problem is if she likes him then how will she just be friends? If that was me I'd definitely say something. 

And also I believe that people usually say things for a reason. So him saying: "Any relationship can evolve into more" in my opinion is him saying he does want more. Rarely do people just make meaningless comments for no reason. Like, let's say if I met a guy through friends and we decided to catch up. If he says to me: "This is just as friends right?" If I'm not interested in him, I'd just say: "Yeah totally, just as friends." But if I like him then I might say: "Sure but friendships can become more". I wouldn't say anything about becoming more to someone I'm not into.

[shouldhavelearned]

With all the back and forth, I don't see this ever working out.

[rainbowsandroses]

I found what he said:

9 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

The first time, we had dinner at a restaurant together and despite my protest, he paid. I immediately said after the dinner that I "didn't want more than friendship blabla", to which he replied with a long message that he wanted to spend time with interesting people, and that he thought that all kind of relationships (romantic, friendship etc ...) could evolve (or not) with time according to compatibility

Evolve into what though?  Agree with Sophia it's so vague!  Especially given the "or not" in parenthesis which was left out when requoted.

He could have meant evolve into a casual dating relationship, he could have meant evolve to friends with benefits, he could have meant evolve to exclusive committed. 

OR evolve into nothing at all. 

It was a general statement that could have meant any of those things.  Or something else entirely.  

Based on the totality of his actions which  @SophiaGsummarized logically and beautifully, his actions beyond that one statement (which is not even an action not to mention vague and ambiguous) do not reflect a man wanting to pursue either a relationship or a friendship imo and experience.

 

 

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I found what he said:

Evolve into what though?  Agree with Sophia it's so vague!  Especially given the "or not" in parenthesis which was left out when requoted.

He could have meant evolve into a casual dating relationship, he could have meant evolve to friends with benefits, he could have meant evolve to exclusive committed. 

OR evolve into nothing at all. 

It was a general statement that could have meant any of those things.  Or something else entirely.  

Based on the totality of his actions which  @SophiaGsummarized logically and beautifully, his actions beyond that one statement (which is not even an action not to mention vague and ambiguous) do not reflect a man wanting to pursue either a relationship or a friendship imo and experience.

 

 

My feeling is he doesn't see her as just a "friend". In the sense of platonic friend. Platonic means no feelings, nothing physical, nothing romantic. He gets touchy with her and they've been going on what may be considered dates. But you're right that non platonic doesn't automatically mean relationship. There are other things like: "I sort of crush on this person but don't want anything else", "I want sex", "I want a relationship", "I want attention" etc. That's why I think it's really important to talk to him.

My sense is he likes her and is open to dating. But again "open to" doesn't mean it will definitely become a relationship or they'll be a couple. Just means he's open to trying to see where it went. But we simply have no idea what this guy is feeling or thinking. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I didn't read where he ever told her he wanted a relationship or hoping it evolves into more.  If I'm mistaken, again I am open to reevaluating.

Yes he paid for dinner which was a lovely gesture, but it does not mean he wants a relationship with her or even to date her necessarily.  Not in a serious way anyway like she is assuming. 

I think you're going way overboard with your own analysis.  

Please keep in mind that none of us have any first hand experience with this guy whatsoever EXCEPT the op.

So why not take her word for the way their interactions went down, rather than questioning her own perception of it?

I don't get the impression that she is assuming that this guy is wanting to be her boyfriend and go off into the sunset together ... not at all.  Even though our OP is pretty confusing (and confused I think), she's not delusional.  I think she feels that the guy is interested in her in a romantic way.   Maybe he's a douchebag ...  she doesn't know him well, but she is feeling like she *likes* him.

She's a grown up intelligent woman - to me it's clear that she's interested enough that it's well worth exploring further.

For the record, I do agree with the general consensus that his "touchy-feelies" are kind of weird for "just friends," especially fairly newly acquired ones.  

 

Another note - I can refute, because of personal experience, your proclamation that no self respecting healthy man would "hang out" with a woman he would like to be more than friends with.  If I were sensitive on a board like this I might even find it insulting, but don't worry, that's not the case.  Really, though - the whole world of humanity does not boil down to "men only bother with women they want to have some kind of sexual relationship with."  Just plain not true.   

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Platonic means no feelings, nothing physical,

Yes in the strict definition.  I've been physical with platonic male friends, I've had feelings for platonic male friends - and vice versa.  The boundary line is that they are not strong enough to do anything about or want to do anything about and both people make a choice not to react to any sense of attraction by moving it further.  Like my friend who invited me to his wedding -we'd dated in the past -and started to say to me on the phone the night before you know it could have been you - and I literally interrupted him before he could go down that path, changed the topic, pretended I hadn't heard him -because I valued the friendship and wanted him to be happily married.  So obviously he had some sort of feeling but last I was in touch with him a few years ago -still married I believe happily over 20 years.  

I do have male friends I have no feelings for. And who have no feelings for me.

I agree nothing physical as in sexual but yes I hug my friends -male and female.  

Ironically what motivated my then very very shy now husband to ask me out that first time for lunch almost 30 years ago was because he said I'd laid my hand on his arm at a work event -lightly- when we were chatting during cocktail hour - but the truth was I really didn't remember it -I was more touchy back then in general (no pandemic LOL) - and I have a vague memory but it really wasn't meant to be flirtatious or show that sort of interest -and back then the men wore suits so I was touching loose fabric lol.  Maybe somewhere deep down I was interested lol.  Goes to show you how people interpret things.  And yes we were both 100% sober.  

When we got back together years later and had 3 platonic dates (yes, he paid but he's old fashioned that way and no it was not a date) -there was no touchy feely stuff.  There was a moment when he looked over my shoulder as I was reading something he'd written he wanted to show me and was closer to me than typical but I will say now -in hindsight -I think even though we both were feeling sparks -and neither of us mentioned it at all-

I really really appreciate he didn't act on it until we decided to get back together - I felt 100% comfortable and on those 3 dates (on the third date sometime after midnight he broached  getting back together) we spent hours at his place chatting on his couch -sitting apart.  He had every opportunity to come on to me or make a pass before discussing how we felt and what we wanted - and he knew it wouldn't be a good idea as far as muddying the waters (and what if he decided maybe we shouldn't get back together- a bit of a tease then perhaps?). 

Big disclaimer - OP considers my past experiences in particular to be irrelevant so OP I am NOT trying to compare -just sharing perhaps some relatable experiences. I respect that you feel my past experiences should have no bearing on how you proceed. So, they shouldn't.  If you find it relatable at all that's up to you.

I hope you enjoy seeing him again.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I think you're going way overboard with your own analysis.  

Please keep in mind that none of us have any first hand experience with this guy whatsoever EXCEPT the op.

So why not take her word for the way their interactions went down, rather than questioning her own perception of it?

I don't get the impression that she is assuming that this guy is wanting to be her boyfriend and go off into the sunset together ... not at all.  Even though our OP is pretty confusing (and confused I think), she's not delusional.  I think she feels that the guy is interested in her in a romantic way.   Maybe he's a douchebag ...  she doesn't know him well, but she is feeling like she *likes* him.

She's a grown up intelligent woman - to me it's clear that she's interested enough that it's well worth exploring further.

For the record, I do agree with the general consensus that his "touchy-feelies" are kind of weird for "just friends," especially fairly newly acquired ones.  

 

Another note - I can refute, because of personal experience, your proclamation that no self respecting healthy man would "hang out" with a woman he would like to be more than friends with.  If I were sensitive on a board like this I might even find it insulting, but don't worry, that's not the case.  Really, though - the whole world of humanity does not boil down to "men only bother with women they want to have some kind of sexual relationship with."  Just plain not true.   

 

I agree and admit I may have gone a bit overboard especially with the "kino" reference and what's bolded above.  

However I did also admit to much of my opinion being speculation and projection but yeah agree my analysis was a bit over the top and it most certainly could be wrong. 

I just don't have a good feeling about this guy, that's all.  Can't really explain it. 

But again you're right, none of us have any first hand experience with him including myself, and as I've said many times things are not always what they appear to be.

This situation is no different.

@Shycarrot I hope your talk goes well if you choose to go that route or continue seeing him and simply play it out, organically.

Somehow time and patience has a way of providing all the answers we need to make the right decision.

Keep us posted.  

 

[yogacat]

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I was literally going to say all the same. But if you read some of OP's comments, especially later ones, she said she does like him and want "more". And look, people do change their mind how they feel. That part isn't the problem. The problem is if she likes him then how will she just be friends? If that was me I'd definitely say something. 

And also I believe that people usually say things for a reason. So him saying: "Any relationship can evolve into more" in my opinion is him saying he does want more. Rarely do people just make meaningless comments for no reason. Like, let's say if I met a guy through friends and we decided to catch up. If he says to me: "This is just as friends right?" If I'm not interested in him, I'd just say: "Yeah totally, just as friends." But if I like him then I might say: "Sure but friendships can become more". I wouldn't say anything about becoming more to someone I'm not into.

Yes, I do concede that people change their minds.

Albeit, I went on one date with a man and I knew I wouldn't develop romantic feelings (again, each person is different) and I explained as such. He did try to get touchy with me when we hung out again, but per my boundary, we hugged at the end of the evening and like, that was it.

I feel he's been trying to be touchy feely with her because he's trying to get a read on her, although I'm not discounting the possibility he's being touchy just to see where it goes because he's feeling things out. 

He was initially attracted to you, OP, so naturally he's going to be more touchy because he wants to see if he can elicit a response. But if you put the kibosh on that initially and now saying I like you more than a friend, that's a bit confusing. It's typically not a good idea to work your way through your list of feelings with a guy who could potentially have a crush on you. 

If you're saying "I enjoy spending time with you" that's not "I am attracted to you." That's telling someone they are enjoyable company. If you've made a Freudian slip in one of the responses (I haven't read them all) than you should probably clarify.

Now you're wondering why he changed his behavior. Well, you essentially did after you only wanted to be friends. So he treats you as such. It's a rather natural progression of events.

[Shycarrot]

22 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not familiar with dating in other cultures/countries. I think here if someone was showing interest but the other person wasn't sure, e.g. ShyCarrot, they'd still be allowed to see other people or do whatever they want. And if they're supposed to only be friends at this point then he doesn't need to text her constantly like a boyfriend does. I don't text my friends or see my friends all the time. Like, I'd catch up with a friend maybe once a week or less. She told him she sees it as more like friends. He's interested but he doesn't think they're dating.

First, I want to thank all of you for your help ! I really appreciate. 
 

I don’t have much time right now and I’ll back to you later but I just wanted to point out something : the frequency of his texts has significantly dropped these last 2 weeks. Even though he was not my boyfriend, he texted me very regularly on July, September and October (up until 2 weeks ago)

When he visited his family in August, he didn’t text much but I didn’t care. 
 

Now, I am afraid he just lost interest and/or he changed his mind 😕 

I feel frustrated because I will have to wait at least a few days until I can have a moment alone with him 😅
 

We are attending the same dance event tomorrow but generally can’t talk much because it’s crowded etc … 
 

 

[Shycarrot]

I am going to try not to panic because it literally won’t change anything 🧘🏻‍♀️

And if I remember correctly, there was another instance where he was distant by text, it was before we baked together. 
When we ended up seeing each other, it was still very nice. 

All do is wait a few days, a few days are nothing in the grand schemes of things 

 (I am trying to reassure myself as much as I can lol)

 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am going to try not to panic because it literally won’t change anything 🧘🏻‍♀️

And if I remember correctly, there was another instance where he was distant by text, it was before we baked together. 
When we ended up seeing each other, it was still very nice. 

All do is wait a few days, a few days are nothing in the grand schemes of things 

 (I am trying to reassure myself as much as I can lol)

 

Why the panic since  you're not even sure you are attracted to him or want to date him let alone with potential for a serious relationship? Are you panicking that he may be losing interest in you -even though you're not sure you're that into him? Like a blow to your ego sort of thing or now that he's pulling back you're more attracted?

[Shycarrot]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why the panic since  you're not even sure you are attracted to him or want to date him let alone with potential for a serious relationship? Are you panicking that he may be losing interest in you -even though you're not sure you're that into him? Like a blow to your ego sort of thing or now that he's pulling back you're more attracted?

No, that sounds narcissistic (the bolded part). 

I am genuinely interested in him, and I think I have been for a while but was probably in denial (or too scared to face that fact) 😅

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Shycarrot said:

No, that sounds narcissistic (the bolded part). 

I am genuinely interested in him, and I think I have been for a while but was probably in denial (or too scared to face that fact) 😅

I don't think ego-motivation is narcissistic in the least -it's normal human stuff.  In this situation anyway. Obviously to a bizarre extreme maybe.

I see that you've changed your mind/change of heart.  Have fun whenever you see him!

[rainbowsandroses]

@Shycarrot, just curious but why did it take him distancing and show less interest for you to become more interested?

Or were you this interested before he began distancing? 

I'm unclear about that.

Have you thought about that at all?

If he began showing strong interest and expressed he wanted a relationship, how would you feel?

Would you become ambivalent again, scared? 

I don't think this is about ego.  But it might possibly be your anxiety and insecurity steering this ship rather than genuine intetest in him.

If it is, it's not uncommon.

I don't know and no judgment and not accusing, just asking.