Am I attracted or not ?

[Shycarrot]

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I hope that you get together and have a good time on Sunday. 

Thank you 🙂

The thing is, I am not sure I am available on Sunday so I have offered to meet on Saturday instead. But he hasn't replied yet. 

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

That said, I also hope that you can find a way to stop this runaway circular reasoning when it comes to men that you might be considering dating.

Thanks, I hope so too ! This would greatly improve my quality of life 😅

21 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You need to be open to getting to learn about a person, or ... NOT, and stop thinking about it.  You won't "think" your way through to understanding another human being.

I understand. It's just that I didn't want to miss obvious signs that the guy had lost interest. 

Anyway, I kept myself busy today and I am planning to do the same tomorrow and the following days. I find that yoga, physical exercice and watching TV shows keep me from spiraling 🙂🤞 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

20 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I wouldn't necessarily see it that way! Unless he's met someone else during this period he would be happy to know that you no longer see him as merely a friend 😉 Also you probably didn't put too much importance to his slow texting before since you didn't see him as anything more than a "friend" who was attracted to you.

That's a good point, thank you ! 

20 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I would try to distract myself to avoid these anxiety-induced thoughts and wait to talk to him on Sunday.

This definitely helps, thanks for the advice 🙂 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I understand. It's just that I didn't want to miss obvious signs that the guy had lost interest. 

My point kind of was that you shouldn't be doing this at this particular point, since you actually started this thread because YOU were not sure that YOU had any interest.   

Now your scrutiny has taken you to a point where you are concerned about whether HE has lost interest.

I do understand how things can get convoluted this way, but I would like to encourage you to be brave.

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Now your scrutiny has taken you to a point where you are concerned about whether HE has lost interest.

Yes, it’s ironic when you think about it.

 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I do understand how things can get convoluted this way, but I would like to encourage you to be brave.

Thank you. 
Just to be sure that I understand, you mean brave in the sense that I should « master » my anxiety-induced thoughts or that I should have an open discussion with him ? 

Sorry for all these questions 😬

I know I should stop analyzing everything, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this distance has anything to do with the other guy (the one who asked me on a dance a dozen of times and with whom I went to dinner with).

They both attended the same festival last week and from the pictures I saw, they hung out together.

Since this other guy kept sending me more and more texts this week and I wasn’t sure his intentions were platonic anymore (plenty of subtle and not so subtle signs), I replied to him yesterday saying that I loved to dance with him and that I was grateful for all the moves he showed me, but that it was only friendship on my side and I asked if he was okay with this. 
 

I am waiting for his reply.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I know I should stop analyzing everything, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if this distance has anything to do with the other guy (the one who asked me on a dance a dozen of times and with whom I went to dinner with).

They both attended the same festival last week and from the pictures I saw, they hung out together.

I would assume it is irrelevant -it's a festival, he was not in touch with  you because he's at a festival having fun with his  friends, likely socializing/mingling/meeting other people and perhaps hanging out with people he knows too like this guy. He's in his zone -this is his thing -and it's also about getting away from it all so if I were to assume anything -realizing we are very different people! - I'd assume he's having fun, met people he might want to date or hang out with in the future and so it's not distance from you -it's just the general get away from it all, meet new people and perhaps a new romantic interest!

And you are going to tell him now Sunday now won't work -I mean sure things come up but it's interesting that all of a sudden something came up on the very day he is available to see you after some time not seeing him.  Just interesting timing but again life has weird twists and turns!

[Shycarrot]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

it's just the general get away from it all, meet new people and perhaps a new romantic interest!

Ouch, I hope not 😕

Thanks for your reply though ! 

 

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And you are going to tell him now Sunday now won't work -I mean sure things come up but it's interesting that all of a sudden something came up on the very day he is available to see you after some time not seeing him.  Just interesting timing but again life has weird twists and turns!

I told him immediately after he suggested Sunday, but he hasn't replied to my texts yet. I suggested Saturday instead, but since it's already the afternoon where I live, I doubt we will make it.

And unfortunately, I am not sure I can postpone this thing tomorrow as it's an important call regarding my job function. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Ouch, I hope not 😕

Thanks for your reply though ! 

 

I told him immediately after he suggested Sunday, but he hasn't replied to my texts yet. I suggested Saturday instead, but since it's already the afternoon where I live, I doubt we will make it.

And unfortunately, I am not sure I can postpone this thing tomorrow as it's an important call regarding my job function. 

Oh I totally get last minute work stuff!

It shouldn't be too much of an ouch -this is a friend of yours.  He is at a festival.  Part of being at a festival when you're single is you meet people.  Many people meet people at festivals including people they would like to date.  You have to IMO accept that you two are friends who flirt, you've chosen to let that situation be status quo and  therefore any day he or you could meet someone who floats your boat and who perhaps is a better match/more open/available to date etc.

I've seen many friends have their lives change from one day to the next when one day they were single and hopeful to meet a good match and  that day -randomly often -they met their person.  

[Shycarrot]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It shouldn't be too much of an ouch -this is a friend of yours.

It's the way I feel, you know. There's no "should". And it does not seem that unreasonable to me to hope that he does not have a new love interest, especially as I am planning to let him know that I am  open for more. 

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have to IMO accept that you two are friends who flirt, you've chosen to let that situation be status quo and  therefore any day he or you could meet someone who floats your boat and who perhaps is a better match/more open/available to date etc.

I know this, it does not mean that the prospect of him meeting someone else hurts. It does not seem like I am contradicting what you said. 

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Ouch, I hope not 😕

You *just* told us that you told him you viewed him as only a friend. 

So as a friend, why would him having a new romantic interest garner an "ouch" from you?

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I replied to him yesterday saying that I loved to dance with him and that I was grateful for all the moves he showed me, but that it was only friendship on my side and I asked if he was okay with this. 

Can you clarify?  You're saying two completely different things here.

Thanks. 

[Shycarrot]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You *just* told us that you told him you viewed him as only a friend. 

So as a friend, why would him having a new romantic interest garner an "ouch" from you?

Can you clarify?  You're saying two completely different things here.

Thanks. 

Sorry, I may not have been clear. 

I meant I told the other guy, the one who invited me a lot to dance and with whom I had dinner last week, that there was only friendship on my part. 

He's a different guy that the one this thread is about. 

Both of them know each other and attended the festival last week-end. Judging from the stories I saw, they hung out together at least a few times. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Sorry, I may not have been clear. 

I meant I told the other guy, the one who invited me a lot to dance and with whom I had dinner, that there was only friendship on my part. 

He's a different guy that the one this thread is about

 

Thanks for clarifying.  

I haven't been following the thread that closely so missed that there was a different guy, my bad. 

[SophiaG]

Please don't take this as more ground for overthinking/analyzing - as discussed earlier in this thread, there are still many things you want to find out about him - so I would try to keep expectations low and be prepared for the possibility that despite his attraction to you, he may not want the same thing as you do (a relationship) or that you are not compatible in some major ways. And yes, the chance that he'd met someone else at the festival (which I don't think is super high, but a possibility nonetheless). Either case I don't think the other guy or your interaction with him played a role here.

I say this because he hasn't responded to your text suggesting meeting up on Saturday by Saturday afternoon, which seems to me a bit odd, if not rude. I see no problem at all for you to not be available on the one day he suggested (Sunday). You replied promptly with an alternative suggestion, and he dropped the ball there. I can understand not texting much for small talks during the festival, but leaving someone hanging when making actual plans like that doesn't sit right with me. If it's someone I just started dating/getting to know that would indicate low interest for sure and I wouldn't bother following up or meeting them again. Even for a friend that's off-putting, let alone a "friend" so close that he feels comfortable to touch you in intimate ways. Since you really like him I might give him another chance but I'd proceed with caution.

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

I say this because he hasn't responded to your text suggesting meeting up on Saturday by Saturday afternoon, which seems to me a bit odd, if not rude.

Thank you very much for your reply. 
I agree … not to mention he didn’t even reply to me wishing him a happy birthday  🤡

Generally, when he does not reply for a few days, he ends up apologizing and saying he needed to disconnect from his phone for a bit. 
But like you said, we were supposed to make plans. 
 

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

Please don't take this as more ground for overthinking/analyzing - as discussed earlier in this thread, there are still many things you want to find out about him - so I would try to keep expectations low and be prepared for the possibility that despite his attraction to you, he may not want the same thing as you do (a relationship) or that you are not compatible in some major ways.

Thank you, I think you are right 😅
I may have read too much into this.
And to be honest, I am annoyed by his behavior. 
 

Nevermind, I have already planned to grab a drink with my friends 😊

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

It's the way I feel, you know. There's no "should". And it does not seem that unreasonable to me to hope that he does not have a new love interest, especially as I am planning to let him know that I am  open for more. 

I know this, it does not mean that the prospect of him meeting someone else hurts. It does not seem like I am contradicting what you said. 

You feel what you feel.  Feelings aren't facts.  You can only control your reactions by reminding yourself before you get more intense in feeling badly that you two are friends and it would be totally normal for him to feel like getting to know others and potentially dating someone particularly at a gathering like this.

[Jaunty]

19 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Just to be sure that I understand, you mean brave in the sense that I should « master » my anxiety-induced thoughts or that I should have an open discussion with him ? 
 

More along that line, though I don't believe that a person can necessarily accomplish that.   

I mean that it would be brave for you to release this stranglehold you have on trying to figure everything out instead of actually being present for the unfolding of whatever is happening.

Your complicated attempts to analyze are definitely exerting some kind of energy or pressure on the situation between you and the guy - the other party may not be able to define it but they will be feeling something relating to it.  Who knows what it's like to be in his shoes.

The bottom line is that you don't really know him and now there's been a lot of talk about how men in this "dance culture" (I have no clue about this whatsoever) might be a boatload of misogynistic players.   This guy might be one?  Or maybe he's not?   

It would be a good idea to get to know the guy instead of analyzing everything. 

That would be brave.

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

More along that line, though I don't believe that a person can necessarily accomplish that.   

I mean that it would be brave for you to release this stranglehold you have on trying to figure everything out instead of actually being present for the unfolding of whatever is happening.

Your complicated attempts to analyze are definitely exerting some kind of energy or pressure on the situation between you and the guy - the other party may not be able to define it but they will be feeling something relating to it.  Who knows what it's like to be in his shoes

Thank you 🙏 

I promise I will try ! 

Just a little update : He texted me yesterday and apparently he was indisposed for a few days because of a stomach flu. 
He had just started to feel better. 
 

He asked if we could meet after my call or during the week. 
 

I feel a bit silly. 
 

11 hours ago, Jaunty said:

The bottom line is that you don't really know him and now there's been a lot of talk about how men in this "dance culture" (I have no clue about this whatsoever) might be a boatload of misogynistic players.   This guy might be one?  Or maybe he's not?   

Thank you.

I know you are right realistically. 
I still lose perspective at times, it’s annoying 😅 

Anyways, thank you so much for your reassurance 🙏 I really appreciate 
 

 

[Tinydance]

OK serious question. If you're trying to get to know a guy, why do you need seven pages of opinions from strangers on him? Who don't know him or anything about him? You're trying to judge something about him from a fictional TV series. Which as I understand isn't even from his country but it's just from a "similar culture". Honestly your post from start to end doesn't actually make a lot of sense. But I understand you're just talking about your thoughts and feelings and you need people to talk to.

When I want to know a guy or go on a date with him, I just GO on the date. If he's French (just an example), I don't need to watch French movies and shows to know "how French people are". If I want to know who this person is, I need to know HIM. This is all just a huge mind blowing amount of making judgements and assumptions about this guy. And to me it seems they're largely stemming from the fact that deep down you're actually scared to like someone or be in a relationship. So you keep coming up with reasons why this guy is "bad".

Also if you're 29 - 30 and this guy is your age, he came to your country as a young person. Sure, he's probably still in touch with his own culture. But coming as a teenager or 20-year-old and now living in your country for ten years probably means he's more in touch with how things are in YOUR country.

Why don't you stop being scared and just live? Just let yourself experience life rather than constantly trying to analyse it.

I understand you're a doctor and maybe you're very logical. But you can't read a manual on who this guy is and what a relationship with him would be like. Some things you just need to experience and just allow to "be". I mean, does it matter why you feel attracted or like someone who's not your type? The point is you do seem to like him. Allow yourself just to have fun rather than trying to scrutinise every single tiny detail.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Just a little update : He texted me yesterday and apparently he was indisposed for a few days because of a stomach flu. 
He had just started to feel better. 

Maybe it's me but something sounds off about this guy.  All this time you've been iffy about your feelings, questioning if you're even attracted to him and assuming HE's into you and wants some sort of relationship with you. 

Which has been the focus of this thread.  Your feelings, what you want. 

Are you sure that's what happening?  I realize he's quite touchy feely with you but that doesn't mean much in my world. 

It's his actions I focus on

Here, he distances himself periodically saying he needed to be disconnected from his phone for awhile (which I personally find sus) and now he's saying he was "indisposed" of and couldn't respond to a text message because of a stomach flu?

I can't recall off the top of my head but he's given you other rather lame (imo) excuses for going off the radar. 

Are you certain he doesn't have a girlfriend or married? 

I'm wondering if you've been reading the intentions of this fella all wrong. 

[Tinydance]

I'm not familiar with dating in other cultures/countries. I think here if someone was showing interest but the other person wasn't sure, e.g. ShyCarrot, they'd still be allowed to see other people or do whatever they want. And if they're supposed to only be friends at this point then he doesn't need to text her constantly like a boyfriend does. I don't text my friends or see my friends all the time. Like, I'd catch up with a friend maybe once a week or less. She told him she sees it as more like friends. He's interested but he doesn't think they're dating.

[Shycarrot]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Here, he distances himself periodically saying he needed to be disconnected from his phone for awhile (which I personally find sus) and now he's saying he was "indisposed" of and couldn't respond to a text message because of a stomach flu?

Thanks for your reply. 

I don't know, my intuition tells me that I should believe him and that he's telling the truth.

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Are you certain he doesn't have a girlfriend or married? 

I'm wondering if you've been reading the intentions of this fella all wrong. 

I understand.

I would be very surprised if that was the case. I agree that his investment in our "relationship" (I don't know how to call it) does fluctuate at times, you are right to point that out.

But to be fair, I do not reciprocate his physical affection at all which may be confusing to him. And I can imagine others reasons why he would behave like this. 

Anyway, I won't know his intentions unless I ask him ! 

 

 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for your reply. 

I don't know, my intuition tells me that I should believe him and that he's telling the truth.

I understand.

I would be very surprised if that was the case. I agree that his investment in our "relationship" (I don't know how to call it) does fluctuate at times, you are right to point that out.

But to be fair, I do not reciprocate his physical affection at all which may be confusing to him. And I can imagine others reasons why he would behave like this. 

Anyway, I won't know his intentions unless I ask him ! 

 

 

Is there some kind of problem to ask him on an actual date? Other than your fear lol 

[Shycarrot]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Is there some kind of problem to ask him on an actual date? Other than your fear lol 

Lol 

Well, I guess I could text him that I changed my mind and that I wanted to date him but I feel like now is not a good time 🤔

Plus, I am not that brave. Instead, I was planning to wait until he gets touchy again to initiate a conversation about "us", what he wants etc ... 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK serious question. If you're trying to get to know a guy, why do you need seven pages of opinions from strangers on him? Who don't know him or anything about him? You're trying to judge something about him from a fictional TV series. Which as I understand isn't even from his country but it's just from a "similar culture". Honestly your post from start to end doesn't actually make a lot of sense. But I understand you're just talking about your thoughts and feelings and you need people to talk to.

 

I know this seems strange, I am sorry. I guess sometimes I feel so panicky that I need an outside perspective. 

 I lack the confidence when it comes to dating, I am pretty much inexperienced and my ex was an awful character etc ...

So, I am scared to miss an obvious signs that a relationship is doomed from the beginning. And my last therapist exacerbated this insecurity.

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

This is all just a huge mind blowing amount of making judgements and assumptions about this guy. And to me it seems they're largely stemming from the fact that deep down you're actually scared to like someone or be in a relationship. So you keep coming up with reasons why this guy is "bad".

Yes, I am guilty of this 🙋‍♀️

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Also if you're 29 - 30 and this guy is your age, he came to your country as a young person. Sure, he's probably still in touch with his own culture. But coming as a teenager or 20-year-old and now living in your country for ten years probably means he's more in touch with how things are in YOUR country.

He's 35 years old so I get your point. 

 

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I understand you're a doctor and maybe you're very logical. But you can't read a manual on who this guy is and what a relationship with him would be like. Some things you just need to experience and just allow to "be". I mean, does it matter why you feel attracted or like someone who's not your type? The point is you do seem to like him. Allow yourself just to have fun rather than trying to scrutinise every single tiny detail.

Thank you. This is the same advice that I received from my therapist. 

I understand, but it's so hard.

What I have noticed, thought, is that when I hang out with this guy, I feel very calm and appeased for a few days. There is no anxiety during, or after we see each other. So in those times, I can relax and enjoy 

But if weeks have passed without hearing from him or seeing him much, I slip back into my olds habits and I overthink/get anxious again 😅

[rainbowsandroses]

@ShycarrotI'm not questioning his need for distance, what sets off alarm bells for me are his excuses.

He needed to be disconnected from his phone for awhile?  In this day and age where 99.9% of the population rely on their phones for just about everything, not just texting, I find this excuse a load of ****.

Could not respond to a text or to your happy birthday greeting because of a stomach flu is also shady imo.

I dunno I pay attention to this stuff. 

And yes I realize you don't reciprocate his physical affection but frankly he's out of line being so touchy feely with you in the first place!  

You're NOT dating; has he even asked you out on an actual date?  Hanging out is not dating

As such, where does he get off putting his hands on you the way he does? 

I guess it's me but I find his behavior rather creepy.  I personally wouldn’t trust it. 

But good luck. 

 

 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Could not respond to a text or to your happy birthday greeting because of a stomach flu is also shady imo

This is weird to me as well. 

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And yes I realize you don't reciprocate his physical affection but frankly he's out of line being so touchy feely with you in the first place!  

You're NOT dating; has he even asked you out on an actual date?  Hanging out is not dating

As such, where does he get off putting his hands on you the way he does? 

 

It's more complicated that that, I think.

The first time, we had dinner at a restaurant together and despite my protest, he paid. I immediately said after the dinner that I "didn't want more than friendship blabla", to which he replied with a long message that he wanted to spend time with interesting people, and that he thought that all kind of relationships (romantic, friendship etc ...) could evolve (or not) with time according to compatibility etc ... (I am not sure I mentioned this, I had forgotten about this part)

Some things are lost in translation, but he basically said "I understand, I am okay with this. And we will see as time passes anyway". He also added that I could ask him if I wanted to know more about his perspective, and I thought it was mature. 

He comes back from his trip, we go out to have dinner several time, went to see a movie etc ... and you know the story, he gets more and more touchy. 

Reading his old text again, I just think he tried to push for more than friendship but there was no conversation about it.