Am I attracted or not ?

[Andrina]

Yes, OLD is very time consuming. But in my opinion, many important things in life require that effort, and it reaps rewards. Many dealbreakers are obvious such as addictions. One dating-style dealbreaker for me was a guy wanting to multi-date after the point we would be making out. I was fully okay with multi-dating during the first initial dates if we weren't at the point of kissing and in the getting to know each other stage and deciding if more dates were in the cards. But if I liked a guy enough to want to make out with him, I wasn't comfortable with him then having a date with Susie and doing the same with her. So I did ask questions when it got to that point and if he didn't match me in that area, I moved on.

My must-haves included the norm such as kindness, respect. Another was having a good work ethic. It's also important to match in the amount of time we liked to get together during the week and communicate when apart. Better to start with once or twice a week, even if you're over the moon with each other. After that, things should evolve into a happy, shared way of being together.

As for the dances where he's at, I think the longer you put it off, the harder it will be to return. I'd just keep lyrics in my head from a popular song that says: From now on, you're only someone that I used to know.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

As for the dances where he's at, I think the longer you put it off, the harder it will be to return.

Yes, this is how I view it, too. During your time away, you're likely to inflate the difficulty in returning only to find that you'll need to keep taking the kind of desensitization hits you've already experienced anyway.  You survived the last one. So tI'd ask myself, after your initial fight or flight response, were you able to enjoy the rest of the night, or were you continually feeling like you wanted to leave?

I admire your focus on the events themselves as something you don't want to give up in spite of this guy. So given this opportunity to be surrounded by your own friends to enjoy, decide whether you want to practice desensitization to your eventual benefit or whether a delay in that effort will somehow benefit you--and if so, how so? (There is no 'wrong' answer.)

[Jaunty]

On 11/27/2024 at 10:47 AM, Batya33 said:

How about saying nothing and simply go on dates and during those dates you will know whether you feel attraction?

Right.  OP; it will help you if you just confine yourself to "yes" or "no."  Not to the question "am I physically attracted," but rather to the question "do I want to spend more time with this person?"

If they want to spend more time with you too, then carry on and let things unfold.   

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 

This guy was such a disappointment because I had a lot of hopes, even before I was clear about his intentions 😅 Huge mistake of mine, but you live and you learn ! 

It might be useful for you to try to understand when your questions about this guy morphed from "am I attracted" to "what are his intentions."  Do you know?  Because when you started this thread you were really focussed on the first one.  

 

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I apologize because it's very petty and mean but I am going to say it anyway : the fact that I didn't find him physically attractive in the first place is helping me 🙈

It's ot petty and mean at all.  I do think that you seem to have made a huge shift in your approach to the guy based on whether you did feel attracted or not.  That is fine - to an extent.  

REMEMBER that a guy you're very attracted to might be just as much of a douchbag as a guy you're not - and the one you're attracted to, obviously, can be more of a problem.

Don't let this all scare you off.  It's unsavory and hurt feelings can and will be involved but most all of us have been through similar and we have survived - in quite a few cases, with healthy loving relationships to show for it.

 

[SophiaG]

On 12/7/2024 at 8:05 AM, Shycarrot said:

Thank you very much for this, I have thought about this a lot these last few days and it changed my perspective .

That's a great approach ! 🙂 May I ask what kind of deal breakers, must haves and goals you had in mind ? 

I find that dating apps are SO time-consuming to me ! To be honest, I think I am even considering paying for Hinge or Bumble, so I can filter more effectively and not get stuck in the swipe left loop ! 

I hate the fact that I sometimes have to swipe on lot of profiles just to find one that has potential and that does not exhibits majors red-flags. 

Thank you, that's really interesting 🙂 

I too found it frustrating to keep swiping left often times especially on my down days when I felt particularly sad that other people seem to find their person with little effort and I was stuck single. One rule I tried to follow when I felt that way was to swipe no longer than 5 or 10 minutes a day - if there were nobody I liked, I'd put down my phone, do something else and forget about dating for a moment. I also took many breaks from a few days to a few weeks/months from the dating apps when I got exhausted. Sometimes their algorithms push you better matches when you are "back on the app" after a short break.

The simple things you can filter on apps are like smoking, drugs, relationship goals, education, etc. which to me were deal breakers/must haves - I also only match with people who are not too far away. Sometimes people list their profession, political leanings and whether they want children which are also important to me but I mostly relied on initial conversations to get information on those. I've only paid for Bumble for really short periods - I think they have a one-day subscription for a few bucks - to look at my beeline but otherwise I just used their free filters (which were not many and got fewer and less useful over time sadly). So I match with many people but for most I sense incompatibilities/low interest quickly from the first few messages. I also have a lot of pet peeves like using too many emojis, internet slangs, cheesy pick up lines, etc. Sort of like the vibe thing you were talking about.

There's an app (OkCupid?) with more detailed questions from relationship preferences to lifestyles to personal beliefs - I was fascinated with those questions but unfortunately that app was very buggy for me and the user pool seems pretty bad in my area.

[Shycarrot]

On 12/8/2024 at 6:19 PM, SophiaG said:

I too found it frustrating to keep swiping left often times especially on my down days when I felt particularly sad that other people seem to find their person with little effort and I was stuck single.

First, thank you very much for your reply 🙂 

I am so sorry you felt this way as well 😞 

On 12/8/2024 at 6:19 PM, SophiaG said:

I also took many breaks from a few days to a few weeks/months from the dating apps when I got exhausted. Sometimes their algorithms push you better matches when you are "back on the app" after a short break.

Oh I didn't know about the "better matches" effect after you take a break from the app ! But yes, I am definitely using dating apps on-and-off to avoid burnout.

On 12/8/2024 at 6:19 PM, SophiaG said:

The simple things you can filter on apps are like smoking, drugs, relationship goals, education, etc. which to me were deal breakers/must haves - I also only match with people who are not too far away.

I've only paid for Bumble for really short periods - I think they have a one-day subscription for a few bucks - to look at my beeline but otherwise I just used their free filters (which were not many and got fewer and less useful over time sadly).

Definitely. I can't even filter those using the free version of Bumble. But reading your reply has convinced me to take premium, for a short time of course ! 

On 12/8/2024 at 6:19 PM, SophiaG said:

There's an app (OkCupid?) with more detailed questions from relationship preferences to lifestyles to personal beliefs - I was fascinated with those questions but unfortunately that app was very buggy for me and the user pool seems pretty bad in my area.

OkCupid is really nice but like you said, the pool is smaller because it's way less popular where I live. 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

On 12/7/2024 at 7:45 PM, Jaunty said:

It might be useful for you to try to understand when your questions about this guy morphed from "am I attracted" to "what are his intentions."  Do you know?  Because when you started this thread you were really focussed on the first one.

I understand it's confusing from an outside perspective. I think I was "attracted" all along, but was also very confused. 

 

On 12/7/2024 at 7:45 PM, Jaunty said:

It's ot petty and mean at all.  I do think that you seem to have made a huge shift in your approach to the guy based on whether you did feel attracted or not.  That is fine - to an extent.  

REMEMBER that a guy you're very attracted to might be just as much of a douchbag as a guy you're not - and the one you're attracted to, obviously, can be more of a problem.

Definitely. 

To be fair, I still didn't found him attractive in the conventional sense, but I was still romantically attracted to him. Anyway, it does not matter anymore. 

On 12/7/2024 at 7:45 PM, Jaunty said:

Don't let this all scare you off.  It's unsavory and hurt feelings can and will be involved but most all of us have been through similar and we have survived - in quite a few cases, with healthy loving relationships to show for it.

Thank you very much 🙂

[Shycarrot]

On 12/7/2024 at 5:36 PM, catfeeder said:

Yes, this is how I view it, too. During your time away, you're likely to inflate the difficulty in returning only to find that you'll need to keep taking the kind of desensitization hits you've already experienced anyway.  You survived the last one. So tI'd ask myself, after your initial fight or flight response, were you able to enjoy the rest of the night, or were you continually feeling like you wanted to leave?

Thank you very much, it's a great perspective ! It's true that I will need to face my fears at some point. And like you said, it's great for desensitization. 

I survived the last time and got to enjoyed my night despite the adrenaline rush ! But in hindsight, I stayed longer than I should have ! 

This guy typically stays until the end (2AM) and the crowd thins out after a certain time (1AM I would say) which makes avoiding him way harder. So things got awkward, I got to see him laughing and playing with the other girl I mentioned. No need to go through that again, I am planning to leave a bit early this time ! 

On the bright side, I accidentally saw a story of him again today ... It triggered a fight of flight response which lasted a few min, but after that, I returned to my normal state. I guess it's a good sign 🙂 

On 12/7/2024 at 5:36 PM, catfeeder said:

I admire your focus on the events themselves as something you don't want to give up in spite of this guy. So given this opportunity to be surrounded by your own friends to enjoy, decide whether you want to practice desensitization to your eventual benefit or whether a delay in that effort will somehow benefit you--and if so, how so? (There is no 'wrong' answer.)

Thank you. I absolutely love this hobby ! Seriously, discovering this was the highlight of 2024 and I am trying to remind myself how much it's meaningful to me, how much joy it adds to my life ✨ 

I would not want to lose that because of some guy ... especially one who behaved this badly.

Btw, I don't know if I have mentioned this but this guy has been dancing for 5+ years and I am under the impression that he's attending way more events than before because he usually does not (or very rarely !) attends the events on Friday and Sunday (but he did according to the recent stories). Surprisingly, a friend of mine also ran into him last Sunday. Anyway, it does not matter ! 

I have thought about it, and I have decided to go tomorrow 🙂 I have no obligation to stay until the end, but yes, I am going to enjoy the event just like I did before ! 

 

[Shycarrot]

On 12/7/2024 at 3:00 PM, Andrina said:

Yes, OLD is very time consuming. But in my opinion, many important things in life require that effort, and it reaps rewards

I understand this and that's why I still intend to go back to OLD, despite my struggles 😕 

 

On 12/7/2024 at 3:00 PM, Andrina said:

One dating-style dealbreaker for me was a guy wanting to multi-date after the point we would be making out. I was fully okay with multi-dating during the first initial dates if we weren't at the point of kissing and in the getting to know each other stage and deciding if more dates were in the cards. But if I liked a guy enough to want to make out with him, I wasn't comfortable with him then having a date with Susie and doing the same with her. So I did ask questions when it got to that point and if he didn't match me in that area, I moved on.

My must-haves included the norm such as kindness, respect. Another was having a good work ethic. It's also important to match in the amount of time we liked to get together during the week and communicate when apart. Better to start with once or twice a week, even if you're over the moon with each other. After that, things should evolve into a happy, shared way of being together.

Thank you for your help 🙂 Kindness and respect are fundamentals to me as well, but I find that it takes some time to distinguish genuine kindness from conditional kindness, because some people only display kindness and thoughtfulness in the beginning in order to seduce you). That's been my experience anyway. 

On 12/7/2024 at 3:00 PM, Andrina said:

As for the dances where he's at, I think the longer you put it off, the harder it will be to return. I'd just keep lyrics in my head from a popular song that says: From now on, you're only someone that I used to know.

I love this song 🙂 I am not sure I am at that point in my healing where he is just "somebody that I used to know", but I am looking forward to it !!! 

I am definitely going to listen to it on my way to the event though 

 

[Shycarrot]

Oh my god … I finally went to the dance event, he was there … 

And I felt nothing !!! That was so liberating 🥳 ✨

I finally feel like myself again !! 
Thank you so much for your help !!! 

About the event itself, he ignored me again, I did the same, and I made sure to really enjoy myself 😁 

I danced, I socialized a lot etc …  

Besides, several guys noticed I had disappeared from the dance floor these last few weeks. They were happy that I came back. It moved me. 

Anyway, that was a fantastic event !

The other guy didn’t seem to have as much fun, he seemed nervous and smiled less than usual, but that does not matter and I could simply be projecting. 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm lowkey horrified that this guy was hanging out at your house, baking cookies or whatever with you, watching movies, going out to eat, and he IGNORES you at these events?   

He really sounds like a creep, to be frank.  I mean who does this.  You'd think he'd be polite.

I know that for you it's probably for the best - look how you've moved on!  I'm just astounded by his behavior.  

[Batya33]

21 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Oh my god … I finally went to the dance event, he was there … 

And I felt nothing !!! That was so liberating 🥳 ✨

I finally feel like myself again !! 
Thank you so much for your help !!! 

About the event itself, he ignored me again, I did the same, and I made sure to really enjoy myself 😁 

I danced, I socialized a lot etc …  

Besides, several guys noticed I had disappeared from the dance floor these last few weeks. They were happy that I came back. It moved me. 

Anyway, that was a fantastic event !

The other guy didn’t seem to have as much fun, he seemed nervous and smiled less than usual, but that does not matter and I could simply be projecting. 

 

This is GREAT news!! Very happy it went so well!

[catfeeder]

On 12/10/2024 at 10:34 PM, Jaunty said:

He really sounds like a creep, to be frank.  I mean who does this.  You'd think he'd be polite.

I hear. Sometimes two people who share social circles try to follow cues from the other. Unless or until they get some sort of welcome sign or until they feel comfortable offering one themselves, they just ignore the other. This can be interpreted as a jerk move or self protection or just awkwardness, but I agree that this can cause more tension than is necessary.

Shy, great news! So happy to hear you enjoyed your outings and have desensitized to whatshisname. If ignoring the guy feels comfortable for you, keep on, and enjoy.

Speaking only for myself, and I don't advise this if it doesn't feel right for you, but I needed to adopt a way to feel less tension from ignoring ex-dates as I moved on in shared situations. So I simply smiled whenever i saw him. No approach, no other gestures. It didn't feel risky because it didn't matter whether he smiled back or not, It just demonstrated my own comfort with being in the same place. It cut any tension I felt about him thereafter.

Yes, there were some awkward times when I'd walk a hallway and see an ex with another date walking toward me. In those cases I adopted my kindest disposition, made eye contact with either of them and simply said hello the way I'd say it passing a stranger. Again, whether either responded wasn't the point--this was about demonstrating my own confidence (as shaky as it was). But afterward I felt real comfort that now nothing could throw me.

Head high, and enjOy!

[Shycarrot]

On 12/11/2024 at 4:34 AM, Jaunty said:

I'm lowkey horrified that this guy was hanging out at your house, baking cookies or whatever with you, watching movies, going out to eat, and he IGNORES you at these events?   

He really sounds like a creep, to be frank.  I mean who does this.  You'd think he'd be polite.

I know that for you it's probably for the best - look how you've moved on!  I'm just astounded by his behavior.  

Thank you so much !

I agree in a sense, I also thought we would keep things cordial ! But to be fair, not having any contact with him helped me move on ! 

He sent me an audio message an hour ago though 😕 

I haven't opened it yet, and don't worry I have no intention of going back to him. I just hope he's apologizing, in which case I will thank him and leave it at that. 

[Shycarrot]

On 12/12/2024 at 11:05 PM, catfeeder said:

Shy, great news! So happy to hear you enjoyed your outings and have desensitized to whatshisname. If ignoring the guy feels comfortable for you, keep on, and enjoy.

Thank you so much 🥰

Yes, I am SO happy that I can enjoy these dances events again 🙂 

On 12/12/2024 at 11:05 PM, catfeeder said:

Speaking only for myself, and I don't advise this if it doesn't feel right for you, but I needed to adopt a way to feel less tension from ignoring ex-dates as I moved on in shared situations. So I simply smiled whenever i saw him. No approach, no other gestures. It didn't feel risky because it didn't matter whether he smiled back or not, It just demonstrated my own comfort with being in the same place. It cut any tension I felt about him thereafter.

Yes, there were some awkward times when I'd walk a hallway and see an ex with another date walking toward me. In those cases I adopted my kindest disposition, made eye contact with either of them and simply said hello the way I'd say it passing a stranger. Again, whether either responded wasn't the point--this was about demonstrating my own confidence (as shaky as it was). But afterward I felt real comfort that now nothing could throw me.

Head high, and enjOy!

I completely understand this perspective, thanks 🙂 

It's a great way to break the ice and to release any unnecessary tension ! 

Right now, it's still fresh so I am not sure I am ready to approach him this way (and depending on the tone of his audio message, I may never be ready), but maybe at some point in the future, when I am further along in my healing journey. 

[Shycarrot]

Well, I listened to his audio message and it was disappointing, as usual. 

He first apologized for the delay in his reply (6 weeks !) and attributed this to work and his other projects he had to deal with. 

He added that he saw me at a distance at dance events but didn't have the chance to talk. 

But that seems quite disingenuous to me : I understand that he's busy, but I feel like he's making excuses for not replying earlier. I think it's quite telling that he took that long to reply this particular audio. In any cases, it's clear that I was not his priority. 

Besides, he didn't see me "at a distance", there were times where we were really, really close to one another at dance events ! 

Anyway, he added that he understood my situation and his situation, and that there were no reasons why there would be any rift between us.

"I don't harbor any resentment and I don't think you resent me either". 

"we can chat and dance if we ever run into each other again at dance events, sorry again for my late reply, and thank you for your kindness and for the times we spent together. See you soon". 

I don't think he's taking any accountability for the way his actions (mixed signals, boundaries crossing and even the delay of his reply !) impacted me. 

His message seems shallow, self-centered and does not addresses the deeper-issues. 

 "I don't think you resent me either". Well, I don't because I am typically not someone who holds grudges but he did hurt me and this sentence sounds patronizing and dismissive. 

Anyway, I am glad I walked away. 

To be honest, I feel a bit sad, again ... But it will pass. 

I am not sure receiving this audio was a good thing for me ! 

Besides, I don't even know what to respond ... 

 

Anyway, thanks for reading me !! 🙂 And I hope you are having a great day 

[Batya33]

I agree. It's lame and self-serving.  Onwards and upwards!

[SophiaG]

No need to respond really. Give yourself credit for recognizing his disingenuity and continue living your better life without him 🙂 

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

No need to respond really. Give yourself credit for recognizing his disingenuity and continue living your better life without him 🙂 

I agree. No need to keep this message thingie going, you can just wave from afar if you're ever inclined. His ghosting made 'a reply' to a 6 week old message irrelevant, anyway. I think he was just trying to do an absent form of the tension-reduction exchange I mentioned above. So good, he took that off the table, and you can carry on without anything more than a passing hello or a wave now and then.

Rather than be disappointed, you can consider this confirmation that the dude was a dud and you're not missing our on some kind of great catch. He's transparently all about him, and just because he can flash some charm when it suits him, that doesn't make him a prize.

Head high, and enjOy your dances.

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your replies ! 

I am pretty sure his message has something to do with the fact than I ran into him twice last week, and he probably saw me thriving and shining. 

Besides, he must have seen our common friend's instagram stories this weekend that showed that I also socialized with them outside of dance events. So maybe he has a bruised ego and he's testing the waters to see if he still has some control over me ... 

I know I should not care, but it bothers me that he's trying to distort the truth in order to fit his own narrative to make it seem like he's the "good guy", the "bigger person" when in reality, he mishandled the situation. 

I would like to write him something like "I think we have experienced the situation quite differently. I was left hurt and confused by your behavior. I understand that you might not have intended to hurt me but I still need some time to fully heal. I am not looking for a friendship right now, but I am open to acknowledging each other when we cross paths". 

That way, I can validate my feelings, whether he is self-reflective enough to understand that he hurt me does not matter. 

And I can let him know that while I am not "angry" at him, the situation was more complex.

Or, I can ignore his message, say "hi" to him at tonight's event but explain to him that I still need space if I realize that he wants more than a cordial interaction. 

He mentioned that we could share some dances and chat a bit... But to be honest, I don't want to ! 

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

know I should not care, but it bothers me that he's trying to distort the truth in order to fit his own narrative to make it seem like he's the "good guy", the "bigger person" when in reality, he mishandled the situation. 

But hasn't he always and consistently distorted the truth with respect to your interactions with him throughout? And especially recently? You can come up with all sorts of reasons why he said what he did and the timing and the social media triggers but this is consistent -he does want to present as  the good guy and the bigger person - I mean it's not fair and life isn't fair.  That's why you've received the live your best life advice. I wouldn't respond because he doesn't care enough and it would waste your precious time and words.  He doesn't need to know whether you plan to acknowledge him or are ok being acknowledged -that's simply a truism -most people in those gatherings are basically polite and acknowledge or at least aren't hostile/rude.  It's sufficient to acknowledge with bland politeness (if you can't pretend you didn't see him).  JMHO.

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I would like to write him something like "I think we have experienced the situation quite differently. I was left hurt and confused by your behavior. I understand that you might not have intended to hurt me but I still need some time to fully heal. I am not looking for a friendship right now, but I am open to acknowledging each other when we cross paths". 

I think this is giving him more power than he deserves and will probably invite a series of messaging back and forth with his explanations/arguments/justifications that you don’t need to hear - especially when his lame message still stirs some emotion in you. Like a “closure message” many people would like to send to their exes it might be therapeutic to write it out but better never sent to the other person.

[Shycarrot]

5 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I think this is giving him more power than he deserves and will probably invite a series of messaging back and forth with his explanations/arguments/justifications that you don’t need to hear - especially when his lame message still stirs some emotion in you. Like a “closure message” many people would like to send to their exes it might be therapeutic to write it out but better never sent to the other person.

Thank you. I understand your perspective ! 
 

I will be doing this for my own comfort though, not for him. 

Besides, given his lack of self-reflection and emotional depth, I am not sure he will be inclined to explain himself any further ! 
And I am not willing to listen to him anyway, my point is : I am still hurt, we can be cordial for now but nothing more. 
 

The mere thought of him inviting me to a dance is making me cringe so hard 😬

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I will be doing this for my own comfort though, not for him. 
...The mere thought of him inviting me to a dance is making me cringe so hard 😬

If he invites you to dance, you can say, "Thank you, maybe another time."

I wouldn't dignify his message with a reply, and I certainly wouldn't confide my hurt feelings to him. That's ego food for someone so self involved.

I'd be glad he saw me thriving, and I'd keep it up. You deserve to thrive, and this guy isn't worth your concern. You can kindly decline any intrusion, and that speaks for itself.

You will thank yourself later for not disclosing how much he hurt you. He doesn't deserve to know and it gives him too much power. It's like begging for him to try to seduce your good graces with a fake apology. You're too dignified and smart to set yourself up for that game. Aren't you?

 

[Shycarrot]

I get your point, however, he knows that I was more emotionally invested. Unless he lacks basic empathy or self-awareness he must know that I was hurting after our break up. That's pretty obvious.  

But, that does not mean I am still hurting or vulnerable to his influence (I worded this poorly !!!). 

I am emotionally resilient and I have done a lot of self-growth since the break up. I am no longer pining over him, I can see him for who he was and I am thriving. 

Who cares if he gets a temporary ego-boost knowing that I was affected by his behavior ? 

I am doing it for me, and it will be beneficial to me... Ignoring his message won't give me the closure I need. 

I was perfectly fine not talking to him ever again, now that this "opportunity" has presented itself, I just want to affirm that my feelings matter even if he dismissed them in his message.

I am not looking for his understanding nor his validation.

And I am ready to cut things off if he starts to give me fake apologies etc ... Like I said, I am not expecting a reply, I am just telling him that I need space !