Am I attracted or not ?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

t to jump into a relationship without getting to know the person, assessing for compatibility, lifegoals etc ...

Dating isn't jumping - just like learning to dance -it's a dance of intimacy -it's one step at a time at the pace that feels right and going on dates isn't jumping unless the couple wants it to be - it's in order to assess for compatibility, life goals, etc - for those dating with a goal of something potentially serious.  Don't jump if you don't want to. Stroll, tiptoe, etc.

Here are some things I learned on early dates with different people so I could stop wasting my time:

Second date -he shared an anecdote with glee about threatening to beat the crap out of a fellow bus passenger for looking at him the wrong way (and he might have begun a physical altercation)

First date: told me his mother did NOTHING as a SAHM for him and his brother. In a hostile voice.

First date -he told me he works with really stupid people.

3rd date -he did not consider lap dancing to be sexual and used to get them/go to strip clubs regularly.

1st date he said his doctor told him he should stop smoking pot regularly.

First date -he wanted to date a woman who would be comfortable early on sleeping over when he had his kids at his small apartment.

First date -he told me about an "FWB" he had but was going to end it. (to me, TMI, didn't like the way he described the arrangement)

Some of these would be no biggies for friendship or hanging out as acquaintances but for what I was looking for in a partner/marriage/family life -nope.

If you listen closely and don't interrogate people often tell you all you need to know very early on and as long as you are willing to be honest with yourself about what your values and standards are and not make excuses for the person you can weed out the incompatible ones quickly - by dating them. In public doing fun activiites, etc.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I understand, I posted about so many things that I probably forgot. There was so much to tell and sometimes, I remember some facts after a while.

It's as if I can't process all the informations at once.

 I even had to text my friend about this hiding the relationship thing just yesterday, when I remembered. She always sees the best in people, so she told me that it could mean anything and that I should clarify with him. 

But I don't know. 

Also ... I remember something else 😬

There were pink razors in his bathroom, the brand is Venus, those are obviously razors that are meant for women, I even use them. 

He had a bunch of them on his bathroom shelf, and a used one on his sink. I think he had just used it recently, because it had some hairs in it (probably his, if I judge by the hair, but I don't want to give gross details). 

What I don't understand is that women's razors are more expensive, so why would be purchasing them ?   And I am sure he can find male's razors that work just fine. 

So is that a clear sign that they belonged to a women he was/is seeing ? 

 

 

They may have been leftovers from an ex -men don't use those to my knowledge (I do!).  My future husband had a second bathroom in the apartment he lived in when we got back together.  He used the master bathroom. I was visiting, used the guest bathroom, was not snooping -maybe I was looking for the new toilet paper roll under the sink and her feminine products were there -his exes - I knew he didn't know they were still there (he didn't use that room and he had a cleaning person).  I told him and he was surprised.  No biggie.  Would totally be a biggie if someone who claimed to be single and "focusing on himself" had those unless he had a  female family member or friend who came to visit and/or used the apartment when he was traveling.  Even then it would -to me -have had to be a regular visitor (otherwise she would have stored them elsewhere not right out in front) and since  you went to his place more than once I assume that would have been obvious or come up in conversation. 

I don't get either why the huge red flag of "I don't want us being seen in public on dates" wasn't forefront in your mind. It's -insane - IMO - and people need not introduce who they are with as "my SO/girlfriend/fiancee" just because  they are seen out on a date -a simple "hi! this is [first name]" is fine or if they already know you - there is no reason to have to say -anything about any role you play in his life. Obviously he wanted to be able to hook up in private and "date" in private so he could "date" or have options to date all those other women if he wished while "focusing on himself".

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I even had to text my friend about this hiding the relationship thing just yesterday, when I remembered. She always sees the best in people, so she told me that it could mean anything and that I should clarify with him. 

^^Once again I disagree with your friend's assessment and No, there is no need to clarify or further discuss anything with him, he has been very clear. 

You have done enough talking and discussing and have all the information you need to Next this person.   Like now.

I also disagree with @Tinydance re him not kissing you, and that it means or would suggest his intentions were not about having casual sex.

Imo, if anything it would suggest the opposite -- he does not have the right "feelings" for you to 'date' you, and all he was after was casual sex given all his blatant physical groping and his comment he was glad you had this talk before becoming more physical sexually.

Kissing (for many people) is an extremely intimate act, for example many prostitutes have a policy again kissing clients. 

Many so called "players" don't kiss their sexual partners either for same reason. 

@Shycarrot after he told you he prefers your situationship /Fwb/ relationship be kept secret, I do understand your need to process, you may have even been in a sort of temporary denial about it.

But now that you have processed it and shared with us, if I may ask what are you waiting for? 

There is absolutely nothing good here in any way, shape or form.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  And no amount of mind spinning or talking with him is going to change that. 

Other than for a very brief moment after he suggested you meet in person to discuss your infamous text, I always had an off feeling about him, I did not trust his motives with you and didn't like him.  I believe the word I used was "creep."

When I voiced this, a few posters laid into me pretty badly but here we are 17 pages later and .....  

Again you have all the information you need to Next him now, there is no sense in prolonging it, he's bad news, period. 

Be gracious, be kind but PLEASE next him.   You'll feel better once you do, I can almost promise you that.

Lastly, try to view this as a great learning opportunity and experience and I truly do wish you all the best moving forward.

 

 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Lastly, try to view this as a great learning opportunity and experience and I truly do wish you all the best moving forward.

 

Honestly, I am not delusional. I know I can not expect a serious relationship from him and I am already detaching myself. 
I have read your replies at least 8 times at this point haha. 
They surely helped me realize this 

And I am currently at the airport, about to go on my trip.
 I have been trying to find the « right » moment to send him a text to end things. (but there’s no right moment, right ?)

I don’t want to « ruin » his festival, but realistically, I know I should pay more attention to my needs 😅

Also I am still hesitating between a text and an audio message

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes 

 

However, I find that listening to music we danced to, and even hearing someone speaking his native language is so triggering right now 😅 

(Of course I am trying to avoid the triggers)

Hopefully this will pass soon 🙏

[SophiaG]

Have a great trip @Shycarrot! 🌴🛫🍨

I know how triggering little things can be after a breakup - hope you are surrounding yourself with supportive friends, delightful treats and fun activities to divert your attention and forget about him!

I agree with @rainbowsandroses and probably have stated these points more than enough but once again:

• There is nothing wrong with being cautious and vetting people before actually dating them. You don't have to date everyone to find out they are not for you. Not to mention, in this case you've already spent enough time with him to know you want different things.
• I applaud your decision to not take certain risks. People have different risk acceptance and aversion levels so not wanting to take some risks doesn't mean you are unwilling to take any risk or will never find someone - there are many lower risk men to date and connect with, like someone who is ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship and has no plan of leaving your country/city.
• He may or may not only want sex, but that's irrelevant IMO - what we know is he doesn't want, or at least not wholeheartedly want the same thing OP wants, which should be enough for OP to pass him. He may want anything in between just sex, fwb, or a casual/short-term secret relationship but none of that would be good enough for OP. This has nothing to do with OP being an anxious individual or prone to overthinking - I sometimes feel those traits are almost stigmatized on this forum - I think OP can use more confidence in trusting her own judgment and expressing herself, but she actually has a great attitude about it all after some reflection/procrastination. I don't see OP making awful decisions or poor choices due to anxiety/overthinking like we see in some other threads. People who are naturally anxious, fearful or shy often need to experience and learn on their own before they can be encouraged to step out of their comfort zone - rarely can other people telling them they are overthinking or they should just be brave and take some risk make them feel comfortable/ready for more. So I don't think there's any need to discourage/criticize OP for her hesitation or make her further question herself. Go @Shycarrot!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

And I am currently at the airport, about to go on my trip.
 I have been trying to find the « right » moment to send him a text to end things. (but there’s no right moment, right ?)

I don’t want to « ruin » his festival, but realistically, I know I should pay more attention to my needs 😅

Also I am still hesitating between a text and an audio message

Safe travels! Why the need to send any message at all? Sorry if I missed something. I mean if he asks to meet again simply say no and if then you want to explain in some manner that's fine!

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Have a great trip @Shycarrot! 🌴🛫🍨

I know how triggering little things can be after a breakup - hope you are surrounding yourself with supportive friends, delightful treats and fun activities to divert your attention and forget about him!

I agree with @rainbowsandroses and probably have stated these points more than enough but once again:

• There is nothing wrong with being cautious and vetting people before actually dating them. You don't have to date everyone to find out they are not for you. Not to mention, in this case you've already spent enough time with him to know you want different things.
• I applaud your decision to not take certain risks. People have different risk acceptance and aversion levels so not wanting to take some risks doesn't mean you are unwilling to take any risk or will never find someone - there are many lower risk men to date and connect with, like someone who is ready to settle down, wants a committed relationship and has no plan of leaving your country/city.
• He may or may not only want sex, but that's irrelevant IMO - what we know is he doesn't want, or at least not wholeheartedly want the same thing OP wants, which should be enough for OP to pass him. He may want anything in between just sex, fwb, or a casual/short-term secret relationship but none of that would be good enough for OP. This has nothing to do with OP being an anxious individual or prone to overthinking - I sometimes feel those traits are almost stigmatized on this forum - I think OP can use more confidence in trusting her own judgment and expressing herself, but she actually has a great attitude about it all after some reflection/procrastination. I don't see OP making awful decisions or poor choices due to anxiety/overthinking like we see in some other threads. People who are naturally anxious, fearful or shy often need to experience and learn on their own before they can be encouraged to step out of their comfort zone - rarely can other people telling them they are overthinking or they should just be brave and take some risk make them feel comfortable/ready for more. So I don't think there's any need to discourage/criticize OP for her hesitation or make her further question herself. Go @Shycarrot!

The overthinking comment was about 17 pages of talking and not doing lol The risk I was talking about was that she was into a guy and wanted to know if it was mutual. So the risk was trying to find out and actually directly asking him. Which she did so that's great! Doesn't mean she's a coward or something if she doesn't date him.

I had no idea the guy said they had to date in secret. I literally only just found that out in the last couple of comments so I didn't actually have that information when I made all my other posts on this thread. If I knew then my comments would have ended ages ago because I'd just say "don't date him" lol

Here in Australia we definitely have the term dating. With people from a Western background or who grew up/lived here a long time there isn't like a rush or expectation to quickly be in a relationship. It actually is that "let's see how it goes" type of attitude until it becomes a serious relationship.

It seems to be considered normal here to be low key dating at the start. That doesn't mean that the person only wants sex or FWB. It just means they're not immediately like "you're my boyfriend/girlfriend." And they don't immediately introduce you to their friends or family, post about you on social media and things like that. It could be some months before they did that and the dating actually becomes a relationship.

Myself I did always want marriage and kids. But I did date people to "see how it goes" first. Especially if I met them on online dating or speed dating or something where I didn't know them at all at first. I meant see how it goes in the sense that you're getting to know that person. You're learning about them, you're seeing if you're compatible. So I thought that's what the guy meant when he said "let's try dating and see". Which here in Australia is actually totally normal. But again I didn't know he said it had to be in secret which automatically probably means he DOESN'T want it to be an actual relationship.

[SophiaG]

20 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The overthinking comment was about 17 pages of talking and not doing lol The risk I was talking about was that she was into a guy and wanted to know if it was mutual. So the risk was trying to find out and actually directly asking him. Which she did so that's great! Doesn't mean she's a coward or something if she doesn't date him.

I had no idea the guy said they had to date in secret. I literally only just found that out in the last couple of comments so I didn't actually have that information when I made all my other posts on this thread. If I knew then my comments would have ended ages ago because I'd just say "don't date him" lol

Here in Australia we definitely have the term dating. With people from a Western background or who grew up/lived here a long time there isn't like a rush or expectation to quickly be in a relationship. It actually is that "let's see how it goes" type of attitude until it becomes a serious relationship.

It seems to be considered normal here to be low key dating at the start. That doesn't mean that the person only wants sex or FWB. It just means they're not immediately like "you're my boyfriend/girlfriend." And they don't immediately introduce you to their friends or family, post about you on social media and things like that. It could be some months before they did that and the dating actually becomes a relationship.

Myself I did always want marriage and kids. But I did date people to "see how it goes" first. Especially if I met them on online dating or speed dating or something where I didn't know them at all at first. I meant see how it goes in the sense that you're getting to know that person. You're learning about them, you're seeing if you're compatible. So I thought that's what the guy meant when he said "let's try dating and see". Which here in Australia is actually totally normal. But again I didn't know he said it had to be in secret which automatically probably means he DOESN'T want it to be an actual relationship.

Yes, I wasn't just referring to you Tiny - this argument came up earlier when the thread was 10 pages long lol and again I think that's not something to hold OP against since many of us are also commenting and OP kindly replies to every comment which made a long thread. Also it's not like she was sitting there doing nothing while talking here - she's been hanging out with him and finally initiated the conversation! I can see how this seemed excruciatingly slow if you are more of a decisive/quick to act person, but sometimes you have to let people move at their own speed 🙂

I agree initial dating is really just "see how it goes" but in this case the guy already indicated his desire to move on and experience different cultures in the near future so for him any possibility of starting a relationship is an exception, not a default outcome even if things go well. Moreover all this was after him being progressively touchy-feely with her for MONTHS without even mentioning his goals or future plans so I found him very insincere. Wanting to be discreet is definitely a red flag - but even without that I wouldn't waste any time to "see how things go" with him either as I think he's demonstrated enough red/orange flag behavior to show his dating goals don't align with OP's and there's no point in further dating. Again, not saying he necessarily wants only sex, but he apparently doesn't want something too serious/committed either.  

[Jaunty]

The dating "in secret" is really all you needed to be 100% sure he was in no way, shape or form  considering any kind of serious relationship with you, OP.   I think it's actually insulting.  

[Shycarrot]

Well, it wasn’t easy but I did it. 
 

I told the guy that we wanted different things and that I didn’t want to see him anymore 🙏

I also wished him well and thanked him for everything.
 

He sent me a text yesterday asking about my trip, and giving me updates about his week-end.  He then asked me when I was available this week so that we could see each other again. 
 

And I replied with the above. 
 

[SophiaG]

52 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Well, it wasn’t easy but I did it. 
 

I told the guy that we wanted different things and that I didn’t want to see him anymore 🙏

I also wished him well and thanked him for everything.
 

He sent me a text yesterday asking about my trip, and giving me updates about his week-end.  He then asked me when I was available this week so that we could see each other again. 
 

And I replied with the above. 
 

Well done - and now enjoy your trip and the rest of the week!

[Jaunty]

Have a wonderful time on your trip and good for you for making a clean break.  

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Well, it wasn’t easy but I did it. 
 

I told the guy that we wanted different things and that I didn’t want to see him anymore 🙏

I also wished him well and thanked him for everything.
 

He sent me a text yesterday asking about my trip, and giving me updates about his week-end.  He then asked me when I was available this week so that we could see each other again. 
 

And I replied with the above. 
 

Awesomesauce! 😃  How do you feel, you okay? 

[Shycarrot]

Thanks for asking. 
 

That depends tbh 😕

Sometimes I feel quite good, I am proud of myself for prioritizing my self-respect and I recognize that this was the right thing to do  💪🏼

Others times, I am filled with doubts and « what ifs » : what if there was a misunderstanding ? What if he genuinely liked me and would have been ready to commit in the future ?

And if course, I sometimes go through periods of sadness because I have to let go all my hopes and dreams about this « relationship ». 
 

Besides, I don’t know what to do about the dance events. 
The first and most effective step for me, in order to move on from someone, is to cut the person off completely. 
 

But that suggets that I avoid the dance scene for a while. 

That may seem completely silly, but I am scared that this will make me look weak, especially if he still attends the events 😅 

It’s probably in my head but I can’t shake this feeling. 

Lastly, a part of me wonders how he will react. I know I should not care though 😅

 

Anyway, thanks again so much for your help !!! 🙏

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Shycarrot said:

Thanks for asking. 
 

That depends tbh 😕

Sometimes I feel quite good, I am proud of myself for prioritizing my self-respect and I recognize that this was the right thing to do  💪🏼

Others times, I am filled with doubts and « what ifs » : what if there was a misunderstanding ? What if he genuinely liked me and would have been ready to commit in the future ?

And if course, I sometimes go through periods of sadness because I have to let go all my hopes and dreams about this « relationship ». 
 

Besides, I don’t know what to do about the dance events. 
The first and most effective step for me, in order to move on from someone, is to cut the person off completely. 
 

But that suggets that I avoid the dance scene for a while. 

That may seem completely silly, but I am scared that this will make me look weak, especially if he still attends the events 😅 

It’s probably in my head but I can’t shake this feeling. 
 

Can you go to other dance events or groups? I get it -it's like being in a situation with a coworker or in a tight friend group.  Maybe after your travels you'll feel more ready -just time helping you move on and get perspective.  

Overall FWIW - good for you!!

[SophiaG]

The what ifs are quite normal after a breakup especially if you initiated the breakup. Just stick to your guns and repeat the arguments that led you to the logical conclusion you are not compatible when those thoughts come up.

I would stay away dancing groups you share with him for a while. Seeing him again - even at a distance - may just reopen barely healed wounds and set you back. Didn't you say there are other dances that he doesn't do? Or you can use this time to develop another hobby, learn a new skill, reconnect with old friends, etc.

Did he respond to your message at all? 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Sometimes I feel quite good, I am proud of myself for prioritizing my self-respect and I recognize that this was the right thing to do  💪🏼

No doubt about that, even if your emotions waffle over it at times.  

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Others times, I am filled with doubts and « what ifs » : what if there was a misunderstanding ? What if he genuinely liked me and would have been ready to commit in the future ?

Get used to the idea that TIMING is very crucial in the success or failure of relationships.  Right person / wrong time = not gonna work out.   Also, people who genuinely like each other very often are not going to make good relationship partners.   

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

And if course, I sometimes go through periods of sadness because I have to let go all my hopes and dreams about this « relationship ». 

Earlier I suggested that you would benefit from getting out and actually dating more.   This situation was happening much more in your head than it was in real interpersonal time.   

You are aiming for self-protection but actually probably foiling your own plan there, as you will be projecting more and more of  your "hopes and dreams" than actually working with what is happening. 

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Besides, I don’t know what to do about the dance events. 

I think you mentioned that there are events you can participate in that he does not?   I hope so.  The dance scene that you're in - though I don't really "get it" - seems like something you really enjoy and it's also social, which is good for you.  So I hope it's possible for you to keep going while at the same time still allowing yourself the right kind of space to get over this before encountering him again.

[catfeeder]

This might sound counter-intuitive, but I'm all about minimizing rather than inflating how big a deal I want to make certain things like this. Do I want to teach myself how to roll with them, or do I want to make them monumental barriers to normalizing?

I'd show up at the very next dance. If he approaches me, I'd treat this like a little blip of a conversation we had that does not score too high on my radar. I'd treat him as cordially as anyone else and then part ways.

If that experience was difficult or I still need a break, I'd take it AFTER that mild face-off rather than before it. Otherwise, I'd build it up to be harder than it needs to be, whereas afterward, I can relax.

[Shycarrot]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

The what ifs are quite normal after a breakup especially if you initiated the breakup.

Thanks for validating my feelings. So that still counts as a breakup even if there was no official date ? 

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Just stick to your guns and repeat the arguments that led you to the logical conclusion you are not compatible when those thoughts come up.

 

Thanks 🙏 

That’s effective most of the time ! 
 

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I would stay away dancing groups you share with him for a while. Seeing him again - even at a distance - may just reopen barely healed wounds and set you back. Didn't you say there are other dances that he doesn't do? Or you can use this time to develop another hobby, learn a new skill, reconnect with old friends, etc.

Did he respond to your message at all? 

I understand this. Yes, I am actually looking at salsa events in my city as he does not attend those at all !

Otherwise, I guess I can try to avoid him for a while. 
 

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

Did he respond to your message at all? 

He hasn’t replied yet, don’t know if he will.

What can he say after all ? I was very upfront about the fact that seeing him would not be beneficial to me (among others things) and that I wanted to stop. 
 

I sometimes feel guilty that he had to learn this through an audio message. 
Sure, he was not as invested as me, but I guess that must have stung a little for him 😅 

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe after your travels you'll feel more ready -just time helping you move on and get perspective.  

Overall FWIW - good for you!!

Thank you so much 😊 my trip ends tomorrow, I doubt that I will be completely over it by then, but one could only wish lol 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

No doubt about that, even if your emotions waffle over it at times.  

Thanks 🙏 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Get used to the idea that TIMING is very crucial in the success or failure of relationships.  Right person / wrong time = not gonna work out.   Also, people who genuinely like each other very often are not going to make good relationship partners.   

Really ? 

You mean that people who like each other could still have a lot of incompatibilities ? 
 

Yes I understand that timing is very crucial in dating. But I don’t know if that’s the problem here 🤔 

Maybe he just wasn’t that into me 🤷‍♀️ 

 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Earlier I suggested that you would benefit from getting out and actually dating more.   This situation was happening much more in your head than it was in real interpersonal time.   

Yes, I remember. 

I already have one or two online dates planned this weekend and next week. The thing is : I hate dating apps. 

I would much rather meet men organically (meet up and dance events, mainly). 

And even though I get hit on a lot irl, I don’t connect with every man so I do a lot of rejecting 🤷‍♀️
No regrets so far, as I get to know them eventually through my hobbies and I realize that we are indeed, not compatible.

I don’t know, I think he appreciates me on some level as well, but we are not on the same page. 
It’s just that I should have clarified things way sooner … 

At first I admit that I was surprised that he would only want something casual, in the sense that he really seemed to enjoy my personality, we had the same sense of humor as well. 
I was under the impression he was not only attracted my physical appearance but that he liked me as a person …

Generally, I have no trouble to identify men who are only into my appearance. The conversation is more shallows, they don’t really ask about my thoughts, opinions on things, values etc … 

This time felt different 😕

 

But at least, this experience taught me that I still have some learning to do. 
I may have been too naive ? 😅

 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You are aiming for self-protection but actually probably foiling your own plan there, as you will be projecting more and more of  your "hopes and dreams" than actually working with what is happening. 

I am guilty of this. I don’t know why I do this but I always get my hopes up when I meet a nice single guy who enjoys my company. 
As I start to develop feelings, it’s hard not to hope that things will work out 😬 

I start to fantasize about a possible relationship etc … 

That’s embarrassing but I don’t feel like I have much control over this …

 

 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Really ? 

You mean that people who like each other could still have a lot of incompatibilities ? 

Oh, come on, Shy.  I am serious.  I realize you have little experience but have you been living in total isolation?  Surely you have some friends, acquaintances, family members, have read some novels or seen films where people may not only "like each other" but are actually in love and still can't get along well enough to want to be side by side in life.  That's why many of us here have had deep, loving relationships or even marriages which ended up not standing the test of time - not to even mention shorter lived romances - where we really liked each other or were even crazy about each other and just could not make it work.

Surely you're not telling us that you've never heard of such things.  I mean ... do you read other threads on here?  

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Yes I understand that timing is very crucial in dating. But I don’t know if that’s the problem here 🤔 

Maybe he just wasn’t that into me 🤷‍♀️

He definitely was not "that into you" insofar as he was not prepared to cancel his life plans in order to "seriously" partner up with you.  Many times our plans, career, education, whatever, take precedence over romantic opportunities.  That is what I mean by "timing." 

Clearly this guy is NOT In the "nesting" mode and I'd be surprised if any woman would have inspired that in him right now. As someone else said, he's a free spirit, very interested in experiencing all that being a free spirit entails.   And he has his next adventure in his sights right now.

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

At first I admit that I was surprised that he would only want something casual, in the sense that he really seemed to enjoy my personality, we had the same sense of humor as well. 
I was under the impression he was not only attracted my physical appearance but that he liked me as a person …

 Once again I have to say that you're coming off as a bit disingenuous here.   Of course he "liked you as a person."  And yeah, you have the same sense of humor.  Again - this doesn't mean that he wants to "go steady" and start a life as a couple with you.  

 I'm not sure why you are even veering into "only into your appearance" territory? A "casual relationship" in no way equates to a person only being into the other person's appearance.  I venture to say that most people engaged in "casual relationships" like each other as people and share some things in common, like a sense of humor, for example.

All it means is that they are not prepared to launch a life together with the other person, and that can be for any combination of hundreds of reasons.    

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

But at least, this experience taught me that I still have some learning to do. 
I may have been too naive ? 😅

Hahaha.  Yeah.  Maybe drop that down to a lower level next time.

 

 

[SophiaG]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This might sound counter-intuitive, but I'm all about minimizing rather than inflating how big a deal I want to make certain things like this. Do I want to teach myself how to roll with them, or do I want to make them monumental barriers to normalizing?

I'd show up at the very next dance. If he approaches me, I'd treat this like a little blip of a conversation we had that does not score too high on my radar. I'd treat him as cordially as anyone else and then part ways.

If that experience was difficult or I still need a break, I'd take it AFTER that mild face-off rather than before it. Otherwise, I'd build it up to be harder than it needs to be, whereas afterward, I can relax.

That's a brave approach but I don't think that's beneficial for everyone - another poster who hooked up with her gym instructor came to mind - I don't believe she has anything to gain by going back to the gym and observing him, having small talks etc. I don't know how OP will respond in this situation but after a dragged out on-off relationship I am now very much in favor of no contact after breaking things off. I can challenge myself with many other things in life - why test my (and his) resolve when we know how emotions and attachment will pull us in a direction we decided not to go? If I were prone to anxiety like OP I'd be more cautious about it as any slip up in the moment might trigger overthinking and spiraling afterwards and that's simply unnecessary. This person is not a fixture in OP's life and he'll probably move away in months. Distance doesn't necessarily mean building him/it up often times it's out of sight, out of mind.

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

So that still counts as a breakup even if there was no official date ?

I would probably call it a "mini breakup" - but you can define it however you wish which doesn't really matter. You shared some intimate moments with him - both physically and emotionally - and withdrawal can hurt. Treat it as you would a physical wound - be patient and pamper yourself 💙

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

He hasn’t replied yet, don’t know if he will.

Probably for the best! Although he could have given a short and sweet message acknowledging he received and understood your text and wishing you well.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

You mean that people who like each other could still have a lot of incompatibilities ?

Very much so and I don't think timing is the key problem here. I wouldn't trick myself into lamenting this as a "right person/wrong time" situation. Actually you have little evidence on him being the right person and a lot of hints at him being a wrong person.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I already have one or two online dates planned this weekend and next week. The thing is : I hate dating apps. 

Great to hear you are stepping out and hope you have a good time on those dates! Why hate dating apps though? They can be overwhelming but just another tool (and a very useful tool IMO) to meet people. The people you meet "organically" probably also have a profile on some dating app if they are looking to date.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

It’s just that I should have clarified things way sooner … 

That's what I would take away from this and nothing more. I don't think you acted inappropriately in any other way.

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I don’t know why I do this but I always get my hopes up when I meet a nice single guy who enjoys my company.

Seriously, who doesn't?? Guys do this all the time when a pretty woman seems to pay extra attention to them!

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I start to fantasize about a possible relationship etc … 

That’s embarrassing but I don’t feel like I have much control over this …

Fantasizing is entirely normal and not something embarrassing IMO (although you might not want to broadcast your fantasies - I wouldn't share mine 😉

But really, that's just a natural part of enjoying dating. I met a ton of guys that didn't work out when I was dating but some of them seriously got me fantasizing for a while - didn't make me blindly jump into anything or ignore red flags/incompatibilities but I was definitely hopeful and envisioning a relationship with them - and I don't regret that at all. It's a really good feeling to be that into someone and actually helped my mental health. What's the fun of life if you can't daydream a bit now and then?!?! As long as you stay levelheaded and don't mix fantasies and reality there's really no harm in it. Of course sometimes you get disappointed like in this case, and you will probably get disappointed again as you meet other people, but that's something I'd just learn to "roll with" like @catfeeder suggested. Some people get major disappointments way later, like after engagement or before wedding, or worse after years of marriage and kids etc. So count yourself lucky and try to clarify things sooner next time to avoid getting invested then surprised!

 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I am now very much in favor of no contact after breaking things off. I can challenge myself with many other things in life - why test my (and his) resolve when we know how emotions and attachment will pull us in a direction we decided not to go?

Hello Sophia. I agree with no contact in general. I responded to the OP's decision not to give up the dance group where she regularly sees the guy. Given her anxiety, I suggested getting that initial meeting out of the way, mainly because this would prevent rumination about it over a longer period of time.

However, if simply changing dance groups IS an option she's willing to consider, I'm with you on that.

[Shycarrot]

On 11/13/2024 at 8:05 PM, catfeeder said:

This might sound counter-intuitive, but I'm all about minimizing rather than inflating how big a deal I want to make certain things like this. Do I want to teach myself how to roll with them, or do I want to make them monumental barriers to normalizing?

You know what ? At first, I wasn't sure I agreed but now, I get your point ! 

I hope I am not speaking too soon, but I feel like I am starting to feel better.

Of course, I still have some setbacks, crying and questioning my decision... But I feel like it's getting more and more manageable and I am now able to focus on a task, which I couldn't do a few days earlier as I was ruminating a lot. It's a small win 🙂 

Anyway. 

Tonight, I am invited to a get-together party with 23 people tonight at a guy's house, just before a dance event. 

The guy definitely won't be at the pre-party, I am not sure about the event but I still don't want to miss it. 

I am going to give it a try, hopefully he won't be there (he's rarely in town during the week-ends) but even if he is, it's going to be a huge event with more than 200 people so I am sure I'll be able to to avoid him.

I am going to be dressed up to the nines (not for him, don't worry 😉) and I will try to enjoy the event ! I don't want him to ruin this ! 

Also, I have a lot of male friends that I really enjoy dancing with who are also going to be there !  I have even thought of removing my contacts (I am a bit short sighted) so that I won't be able to see him in the distance 😂

And finally, I can drive home at any time if I am not feeling well and reevaluate my decision.

 

I told you I wanted to explore another dance (salsa) but sadly,  I have just realized the community is much smaller in my area 😕 If I don't have a choice though, I will gladly settle for this ! 

Also, I am sorry because I haven't had the time to reply to all of you yet ! But I will ! 

I can't thank you enough for your help 🙂

And I hope you are having a great day ! 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

...Tonight, I am invited to a get-together party with 23 people tonight at a guy's house, just before a dance event. 

... I don't want him to ruin this ! 

Excellent! This is exactly how to decide whether your own interests and your ability to enjoy them 'must' be controlled by someone else just because he's not your romantic match.

There's nothing wrong with grieving a bit after you've invested some hope in someone for a short time, but we each get to choose how much this 'must' impact the larger scheme of our lives.

Let's say a workplace romance goes sour. Do I want quit my job, or torture myself into an emotional mess and make this harder on myself than it 'must' be? I could cater to my old habits and take a week or two off work, but is that an advantage if I'd ruminate and build up my return into some giant hill to climb, even while I ruin my time off with misery and anxiety? I could decide, instead, to just into go work, focus on the job I love, and if I still need to take some time away after that, I've minimized that first encounter, and It's out of my way. Now I can focus on ME.

Have a terrific time. Plan your response to the guy approaching you. Picture yourself being kind, cheerful and unfazed, as though the price of doing business with him was merely a pleasant experience that you've decided not to repeat. Then move forward, and be proud of yourself.

EnjOy!