Am I attracted or not ?

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Wow, more suspense! I agree important conversations should be had in person or at least over the phone but can't he just give a short and sweet answer that eliminates all ambiguity and saves OP and us from another day of anxious waiting?! 🤣 

Yes- but it's unusual to do this by text, often it's done to avoid awkwardness by the sender -so she got that benefit and this is  the downside - he is entitled not to want to type about it.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Of course he could, and any man who was serious about dating and developing a relationship with her would have, imo.

Knowing that expressing her feelings and asking his intentions was a very vulnerable and anxiety-provoking thing to do!

i dunno, all this mystery he's creating, ambiguity and elusiveness are big red flags, imo. 

I don't know what his angle is quite frankly.  If ME, I wouldn't trust it and would most likely stop seeing him, as a friend or otherwise.  I'd be thoroughly turned off and I'm being 100% truthful when saying that. 

I know I sound like a broken record but as I've said something feels very off about this. 

Shy, my final piece of advice is hope for the best, prepare (emotionally) for the worst. 

 

I also find it tempting to figure this out, predict. What I will say - maybe it's adding to what you wrote or the same? Is -look- he's not blindsided -he was all over her at her home last night so what she's saying isn't coming out of left field -he knows full well the context -he was there, a willing participant. Sometimes it's very different- maybe there was a flirty joke made or going in for a cheek kiss and by accident it was on the lips -and then one person reads into it, etc.  This is why at first I also was in the camp of -don't leave the special lady waiting! then Andrina's post made me think of his  end of things.  Rainbow you seem to have a clearer grasp on this albeit you have a bad sense of this.  And I know you also hope you're wrong!

[rainbowsandroses]

46 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Rainbow you seem to have a clearer grasp on this albeit you have a bad sense of this.  And I know you also hope you're wrong!

Thanks and yes I DO hope I'm wrong!

Because I and all of us have gotten to know Shy, she's a lovely person, open and honest, and deserves a different type of man and experience; at the very least a man with whom she feels emotionally safe!

Which I don't personally think he can provide.

I mean it's Saturday night where is he?  Off at yet another dance festival giving no indication of when they will even get together again!

He's elusive, evasive, unaware of physical boundaries and at times inconsiderate (i.e. ignoring texts etc).

I'd love to see her ditch him altogether but perhaps she needs to play this out and let chips fall where they may.

If she gets hurt, so be, she learns from the experience.

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- but it's unusual to do this by text, often it's done to avoid awkwardness by the sender -so she got that benefit and this is  the downside - he is entitled not to want to type about it.

Bat, where are you getting he didn't want to 'type' about it?

What he said was he's at a festival and would more thoroughly "answer" tomorrow.

By answer, I think it's safe to assume he meant by text since he said nothing to Shy about getting together in person to discuss her text or do anything else.  Not that she's shared with us anyway.

JMO, but I think it's best we stop excusing his behavior, rationalizing and shuffling under the rug. 

Anyone who has any experience dating and developing relationships knows this is not how it's done nor how a man who is serious about developing one behaves.

 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My take from this^ is that he's at another festival today and will have more time to answer/discuss tomorrow.

Since @Shy mentioned nothing about seeing him tomorrow I am going to assume he means he will answer by text. 

@Shycarrot, can you clarify?  DID he ask to see you tomorrow to discuss in person? 

Of course I can clarify : no, he didn't suggest that we discuss this in person. He implied that he would text me back after the festival 🤷‍♀️

9 hours ago, SophiaG said:

can't he just give a short and sweet answer that eliminates all ambiguity and saves OP and us from another day of anxious waiting?! 

He could have done that 😮‍💨

 

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

i dunno, all this mystery he's creating, ambiguity and elusiveness are big red flags, imo

To be honest, I don't know what to think anymore. 

One one hand, I find his inconsistency triggering. He can be very sweet, kind, caring when we see each other, I feel like he's attracted to me, we have deep conversations etc ... And then, he disappears for a few days, take days to reply to a "happy birthday" text, and postpones a discussion about "our feelings". That does not sit well with me. 

Plus, anyone can be kind when it's convenient ? My ex used to be so sweet in the beginning, but his subsequent behavior showed me that he had no empathy. 

 

On the other hand, I don't know him well yet. He may become more "invested" once we are officially dating ? And like some posters said, I told him I only wanted friendship so he may have adapted his behavior. 

Plus, I do have relationship anxiety. So I would probably feel anxious and get nitpicky about his behavior no matter what 🤔

My ex told me that his friends referred to him as "insensitive", which was a telltale sign of a lack of empathy. I don't think it's the case with this guy ? 

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Shy, my final piece of advice is hope for the best, prepare (emotionally) for the worst.

Thank you ! 

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Because I and all of us have gotten to know Shy, she's a lovely person, open and honest, and deserves a different type of man and experience; at the very least a man with whom she feels emotionally safe!

Thank you, that's kind of you to say 🙂 I wish you the same ! 

About the bolded part, I agree and when I think about it I only feel "emotionally safe" when I am with him. Then, I start to question everything because of his behavior, that I find inconsistent : "he took days to reply to my texts without warning me in advance, that means he's not that serious about me, right ?" "he didn't invite me to a dance event he attended, that means he does not want to see me?" etc ... 

And then I am overwhelmed by anxiety. 

At the same time, I wonder how much of this anxiety is related to my "character" and how much, really, has to do with him ? 

Like, am I that anxious because he behaves in a way that is indeed, worrisome ? Or am I anxious, because I am traumatized and deep down I am still scared of being in a relationship, in which case, I would probably feel anxious and nitpicky with just anyone ? 

I can't answer that 🙁

 

[Shycarrot]

One of my close friend is not too bothered by his behavior. 

But I remember more than a year ago, when she was smitten with a guy who from my point of view, didn't reciprocate her feelings. She pursued him heavily and excused his behavior over and over again, when the hurtful truth was : he was not that into her and there were a lot of obvious signs 😕 

For instance, he fell and broke his collarbone at some point, and told her he could not see her because of this for months, even though he could walk ! 

I remember I thought to myself that any guy, serious about his intention, would have still gone on a date with her after a reasonable time lapse (they had started dating before his fall).

She later learnt that he had been seing his friends and others girls in that time period. I was not surprised, unfortunately. 

Now I am wondering if I am not delusional about this guy, just like she was and just like anyone can be (we're only humans after all). 

[Batya33]

I thought you said there is no real dating in your country/culture. So I thought if he wants to be with you as you've now suggested you want to be with him his answer would be "I feel the same and I was so happy to get your text!.  I'd love to be together as a couple." Or like that.

I misread and thought he wanted to meet in person to discuss. If he's not chomping at the bit to do that (at the least -yes -I think a brief answer like "wow that's awesome news!") I realize he has all these festivals - but one would think along RainbowRoses's comments -he'd either ditch the festival or make the time to see you ASAP. As in Harry Met Sally -when you realize you want to be with someone you want it to start right then (or like that then he skedaddles to her new years eve celebration just in time to bring in the new year with a new love kiss)

Someone pages ago -a woman -posted about a man she dated who was as into the dance scene as your person is -or more -and after awhile it was too much for her -his priorities in the scene which made her an after thought, etc.  At some point .... does he really have to be at all these festivals especially when someone he's been really into for awhile has just basically proposed to him in a dating sense?

Anyway I hope I am wrong -it would be very nice if he returns your feelings and interest and you two dance as a couple at the next dance gathering.  

 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Anyway I hope I am wrong -it would be very nice if he returns your feelings and interest and you two dance as a couple at the next dance gathering.  

Thank you 🙂 He sent me a voice message (that I haven't opened yet) ! 

I will let you know how it turns out ! 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If he's not chomping at the bit to do that (at the least -yes -I think a brief answer like "wow that's awesome news!") I realize he has all these festivals - but one would think along RainbowRoses's comments -he'd either ditch the festival or make the time to see you ASAP. As in Harry Met Sally -when you realize you want to be with someone you want it to start right then (or like that then he skedaddles to her new years eve celebration just in time to bring in the new year with a new love kiss)

I understand, but in my message, I briefly told him my feelings had evolved but I was , more importantly, asking about his ? Plus, I am not sure I even want a big gesture like this ! I am still on the fence (meaning I would like to know more about him)

I just felt it was necessary to ask him about his intentions ? 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I understand, but in my message, I briefly told him my feelings had evolved but I was , more importantly, asking about his ? Plus, I am not sure I even want a big gesture like this ! I am still on the fence (meaning I would like to know more about him)

I just felt it was necessary to ask him about his intentions

I can understand this^ Shy. 

To clarify, I wasn't suggesting he should make any grand gestures or declarations re his feelings.   

But something other than he's at a dance festival and will respond tomorrow would have been nice, perhaps suggesting you discuss in person and scheduling a time?  I don't know.... something.

This isn't a movie, it's real life and things are rarely so clean cut and black and white.  Especially when it comes to our feelings and emotions.  My opinion.

Thinking more about it after reading your last few posts, it's possible you and he were not quite on the same wavelength and thus your message took him by surprise.  

As such, he may need a bit of time to let it marinate because if or once he admits to sharing your feelings, your interaction/relationship will inevitably change.

And like you, HE may have some fears and anxieties too.  It's possible.  Which may even be why you were/are drawn to each other at least on some level.

I think you should take a deep breath, listen to his voice message and hear what he has to say. 

You won't know anything until you do and can make a decision as to your next steps after that. 

All the best Shy and know you will be OK no matter how this plays out. 💛

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 🙂 He sent me a voice message (that I haven't opened yet) ! 

I will let you know how it turns out ! 

I understand, but in my message, I briefly told him my feelings had evolved but I was , more importantly, asking about his ? Plus, I am not sure I even want a big gesture like this ! I am still on the fence (meaning I would like to know more about him)

I just felt it was necessary to ask him about his intentions ? 

Yes. I agree it’s a good question on your part because you two are more physically affectionate than friends typically are. I now understand his response to be he received your text. Isn’t ready to respond. Has a busy day with his festival and plans to respond soonish. Also he knows he likely will see you at the dance event. I sign on to how rainbow roses explained and suggested above. 
I think you gain nothing by delaying listening to his VM. 

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thinking more about it after reading your last few posts, it's possible you and he were not quite on the same wavelength and thus your message took him by surprise.  

Thanks for your reply. What do you mean by "not quite on the same wavelength" ? 

I just noticed his vocal was only 1 min long, that seems quite short.

Maybe he is just asking if we can discuss this is person ? 

Anyway ... I am about to listen to it 

[shouldhavelearned]

Young and 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Of course he could, and any man who was serious about dating and developing a relationship with her would have, imo.

Again - i disagree with you!   

I personally might be wary of giving ANY kind of response (besides one like he did give) by text under these circumstances.  

We know some things about the OP - a major one of them being that she profoundly overthinks, frets and "worries" a subject until something that might be fairly benign to some other person has assumed very monumental proportions.  

Leaving a brief message by text for her to interpret while he's at a festival might be too open ended.

Also:  "dating AND developing a relationship" do not necessarily go hand in hand, or mean anything similar to what you, I, or the OP would visualize.  

He might want a more casual situation, but *something.*  

I'd be pretty surprised if he is in the state of mind to do anything like "settle down."  This doesn't mean that he's a player, a misogynist, or would be playing with the OP's emotions.  

Can be complicated and no matter what, a short text sent from a dance festival could easily be taken in a way not intended.  

I do think he really likes you, OP.  And he would like to date you and get something going.  But maybe not what you are picturing - or, maybe you're not really picturing anything and are ready to take things as they come.

[Shycarrot]

Well, I listened to his voice message and he basically asked about my day, talked about his week-end etc ... without mentioning the crucial text where I asked him about his intentions/feelings for me. 

I am bewildered. 

What does it mean ? Should I ask him If he can answer to this text again ? 😅

[yogacat]

I think the window of opportunity has been a bit lost, frankly.

He has probably slotted you into a category that figures you weren't open to dating him initially so now he has emotionally removed himself from you. It's an unfortunate circumstance, I know. You really have little to lose. On the other hand, he may well be receptive to your views.

The point is that you need to go into the conversation without much expectation or attachment to any particular outcome. You are there to express your feelings and to learn of his. If that leads to him proposing some action, then that is where you have to put yourself in the space of "being open to what comes."

I only say this because I dated a man that I was on the fence about and kept putting off his physical and romantic advances initially. Now, he is "meh" with me and treats me like a friend. I think he grew tired of my discomfort and mixed signals and moved on.

Anyway, hope I am wrong and this turns out in your favor. 🙂

[Shycarrot]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I do think he really likes you, OP.  And he would like to date you and get something going.  But maybe not what you are picturing - or, maybe you're not really picturing anything and are ready to take things as they come.

I don't know yet if this guy could be it, but I am looking for a serious relationship. I am not interested in anything casual 😕 

So if "something going" is close to a "casual relationship", I am not up for it. 

About the fact that he has answered to all except my crucial message, I remember he did the same the first time (when I tole him I only wanted friendship). 

I just looked back at our old messages and indeed, he didn't reply immediately, instead, he replied one or two days later, apologized and gave me a thorough answer. 

I don't know why he does this...

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Again - i disagree with you!   

I personally might be wary of giving ANY kind of response (besides one like he did give) by text under these circumstances.  

We know some things about the OP - a major one of them being that she profoundly overthinks, frets and "worries" a subject until something that might be fairly benign to some other person has assumed very monumental proportions.  

Leaving a brief message by text for her to interpret while he's at a festival might be too open ended.

Also:  "dating AND developing a relationship" do not necessarily go hand in hand, or mean anything similar to what you, I, or the OP would visualize.  

He might want a more casual situation, but *something.*  

I'd be pretty surprised if he is in the state of mind to do anything like "settle down."  This doesn't mean that he's a player, a misogynist, or would be playing with the OP's emotions.  

Can be complicated and no matter what, a short text sent from a dance festival could easily be taken in a way not intended.  

I do think he really likes you, OP.  And he would like to date you and get something going.  But maybe not what you are picturing - or, maybe you're not really picturing anything and are ready to take things as they come.

I trust you read my subsequent post wherein I retracted on my earlier take a bit?

I actually agree with much of what you posted, not all.  Specifically that he really likes her and wants to date her.

We just don't know and won't know until Shy hears what he has to say. 

 

[Shycarrot]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I only say this because I dated a man that I was on the fence about and kept putting off his physical and romantic advances initially. Now, he is "meh" with me and treats me like a friend. I think he grew tired of my discomfort and mixed signals and moved on.

I perfectly understand, but nothing changed in his behavior, it is quite the opposite. When we saw each other last Thursday, I didn't have the impression that he treated me like a friend or that he wasn't interested in me anymore. He was even more touchy than usual. 

 

Can I ask him if he can reply to my above message ? 😅

[Shycarrot]

20 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'd be pretty surprised if he is in the state of mind to do anything like "settle down." 

May I ask why you think this ? 

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Well, I listened to his voice message and he basically asked about my day, talked about his week-end etc ... without mentioning the crucial text where I asked him about his intentions/feelings for me. 

I am bewildered. 

What does it mean ? Should I ask him If he can answer to this text again ? 😅

Bolded -- NO, stop chasing him over the rainbow, please! 

His non-answer, avoiding and evading answering IS his answer.  

Given your feelings, I think it's best that you begin the process of moving on. 

There is nothing positive here, not that I can see. 

I'm sorry Shy. 😞

 

[Shycarrot]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

His non-answer, avoiding and evading answering IS his answer.  

Given your feelings, I think it's best that you begin the process of moving on. 

I'm sorry Shy. 😞

Thank you. 

Now that the initial disappointment is wearing off, I think he's a smart person and that he will answer my text, hopefully sooner rather than later. 

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Can I ask him if he can reply to my above message ? 😅

I would not. If I were away on a weekend and I received a text message from a guy I'm seeing saying his feelings have evolved for me, I would not be positioned in a private place to address that at the moment. I'd be in the company of others, including sharing a hotel room, and I'd tell him I can address this when I get home.

 

[yogacat]

5 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I perfectly understand, but nothing changed in his behavior, it is quite the opposite. When we saw each other last Thursday, I didn't have the impression that he treated me like a friend or that he wasn't interested in me anymore. He was even more touchy than usual. 

 

Can I ask him if he can reply to my above message ? 😅

Well, the man I dated once and I told I wanted to be friends with still tries to be sexually flirty. Nothing... even close to concrete dating. I think he slotted me as someone that is ambivalent. Kind of like when a man or woman grabs your shoulder playfully and you swat them away. If you do that about one too many times, they are so done with your indecisiveness and closed off behavior that they put you in a "not date seriously" category.

You initially told him "I only wanted friendship" and now you're messaging him the opposite so he is probably 50/50 as to your sincerity and is probably starting to think you are a bit immature as you don't really exhibit consistency. That is just what I would think if I were in his shoes.

 

[Shycarrot]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

I would not. If I were away on a weekend and I received a text message from a guy I'm seeing saying his feelings have evolved for me, I would not be positioned in a private place to address that at the moment. I'd be in the company of others, including sharing a hotel room, and I'd tell him I can address this when I get home.

 

Thank you, I hope you are right.