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Am I attracted or not ?


Shycarrot

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Hi 🙂 

Sorry, I don't have much time as I am about to go out but I just want to clarify this to end the suspense : when I mentioned that it was not convenient for me to meet him tomorrow night, it's because of a few reasons

- I sometimes struggle with insomnia on nights before work, especially if I do anything too stimulating during the evening. I will struggle to sleep to the point where I will sleep 3 to 4 hours, and then be exhausted at work. I don't want that. As a result, I generally stay home and aim to do relaxing activities (reading, yoga ...) and I go to bed early, in case I wake up at 4 am and struggle to go back to sleep. I don't know if that makes sense ? 

- I live in the sububs whereas he lives downtown. I have a car, he does not and my area is not served by public transportation at all. So I am the one who has to travel (I am not complaining) anywhere from 30 to 40 mins. One time, we tried to meet halfway, but then he had to take the tramway for 45 min 😕 So it was not worth it 

- He's generally available after 8 pm. If I join him at 8 tomorrow and if I still want to go to sleep early (because of the reason above), it means that I will see him for 2 hours at most. It's still good, but like SophiaG said (and I thank her for it) : I don't want to rush it, I am aware it could go "wrong" and I'd rather have the "talk" when I know there's no time constraint. Also, time flies when I am with him and we generally hang out until late (way past midnight 🙊), so 2 hours seem really, really short to me !  

 

About the sleep issue, he works from home with flexible hours and from what he said, he falls asleep quickly and he's a heavy sleeper lol. So he does not seem to share my struggles

 

(By the way, none of us work on Friday) 

Anyway, thank you so much !! I will get back to you when I have the time ! Have a nice day (or night, whatever it is) 🙂 

 

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4 hours ago, SophiaG said:

y impression is that OP isn't going to approach this conversation like meeting up at a cafe, sitting down and getting down straight to business. That would be your approach, Batya, and could be my approach when I feel like it - but OP probably feels different and that's fine IMO. She mentioned wanting to wait until he's touchy feely again to ask about his intentions and go from there.

That's fine and if that is her approach I think it's a risky one because it need not be getting down to business -my point was when people want to be together and are available to be together the conversation about being together is simple and short and can be extremely emotional -mine was!  -not at all business like or transactional - because when two people feel it is right and clear no back story or drawn out stuff is needed. I would save those conversations for later and have them be organic meaning related to the actual dates they go on or how they interact as opposed to abstract what if stuff.  JMHO but for sure she should do it her way.

Anway OP I totally get what you mean about insomnia in those situations -that happens to me too and it's a bad idea to have a big night like that or intense.

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4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Good luck Shy and yes please DO keep us posted!

Thank you so much for your support ! ☺️

I will 😉

 

 

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not sure how others feel, but I'm gonna be on pins in anticipation of how this all plays out!!  😅

This is funny ! 

I didn’t know my life could be so entertaining 😂

Anyway, I just got home I saw the guy and we agreed to meet on Thursday, after work ! I am so excited 😁 

I am really looking forward to it ! 
I am going to reply to the answers above after a good night sleep ! 

Thanks again ! 

 

 

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Hi there 🙂 

As promised, I am going to update you about the situation with the guy ! We saw each other yesterday until late and it went great ! We cuddled on his couch, played chess, watched a movie, talked about various and intimate topics etc ...  He was even more touchy than usual. 

Now, I didn't have the courage to have the conversation because I was trying to enjoy the moment and frankly, I was too tired (I know, I know ...).

But  I just sent him a text, saying (in summary) that my feelings had evolved and that I wanted to know what he was looking for (with me) ?  

To be honest, right now, I am quite anxious awaiting his text ... 

I know I am being weak, but I am so scared to look at my phone 😅 I even turned off the wifi so I don't receive his text ... 🤦‍♀️

 

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On 10/29/2024 at 4:14 PM, SophiaG said:

Given this and your inexperience, it's understandable to be cautious and a bit scared. I was a virgin in my early 20s and I was both intimidated by the prospect of sex (I was afraid it'd hurt) and a bit embarrassed by the fact of being a virgin in my 20s - I did not give off the vibe of being traditional/conservative or a prude lol - so the older I got the more afraid I was that the guy would be surprised/judgmental/weirded out that I'd never had PIV sex. But trust me, when I met someone I was crazy about it just happened very naturally and he didn't make me feel embarrassed/uncomfortable at all. He ended up not being the right person for me but the sex/physical intimacy with him was still a very beautiful experience.

Thank you very much, this is really helpful 🙂 

I am glad you had a beautiful experience with this guy ! 

On 10/29/2024 at 4:14 PM, SophiaG said:

No, I think you did the best you can to be transparent back then. But he continue to "test the water" by crossing the friendship line and you did not start a conversation of either restating your boundaries and stopping his touches or reevaluating your stance and telling him you're open for more - that's what I'd change in future. As for only wanting to be friends at first and changing your mind later on, that's perfectly normal. You weren't dating either.

 

On 10/29/2024 at 4:14 PM, SophiaG said:

You were upfront and didn't lead him on. If he was tired of "waiting" and lost interest - too bad - but you didn't ask him to wait. You were spending time together and he could have initiated the conversation "where are we" or asked you to reevaluate if you still want to be "just friends" instead of being touchy feely and saying nothing - it's not solely on you to speak up.

 

On 10/29/2024 at 4:14 PM, SophiaG said:

Now you realized you like him and are open for more. Great! But that's not saying you are suddenly madly in love with him and you don't have to give him all the attention or be available whenever he wants to see you.

I can't thank you enough for your kindness ! Your words really helped me to alleviate my guilt !! 

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37 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Hi there 🙂 

As promised, I am going to update you about the situation with the guy ! We saw each other yesterday until late and it went great ! We cuddled on his couch, played chess, watched a movie, talked about various and intimate topics etc ...  He was even more touchy than usual. 

Now, I didn't have the courage to have the conversation because I was trying to enjoy the moment and frankly, I was too tired (I know, I know ...).

But  I just sent him a text, saying (in summary) that my feelings had evolved and that I wanted to know what he was looking for (with me) ?  

To be honest, right now, I am quite anxious awaiting his text ... 

I know I am being weak, but I am so scared to look at my phone 😅 I even turned off the wifi so I don't receive his text ... 🤦‍♀️

 

I can't help but smile at this post not just with amusement, but also I remember exactly the same feelings when I was once goaded into texting someone I had a crush on. He texted back in no time but I didn't want to look at my phone to see what he said for hours 🤣 well, he didn't share my feelings but let me down gently and we remained friends with no awkwardness since. I think you have much better chance with this guy given your interactions so far! It's the conversation afterwards (what you both want & expect from a relationship) that can be much harder...

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3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

was even more touchy than usual. 

^^In what way?  And how did you respond to it? 

OK granted my experiences have been different and if I were at a man's home (or him at mine) and we were 'cuddling' on couch and he escalated physically, I would think he was attempting to sexually seduce me!  Did he try and kiss you? 

Just asking, I'm trying to get a picture in my mind of what this looked like and was, that's all. 

Not that that's a bad thing necessarily and if it's mutual, it's enjoyable and it could possibly lead to a relationship even IF you didn't have sex that night. 

That said, I AM keeping an open mind and have NO idea what his intentions are or what he's about.  

Regardless, I am glad you put it out there that your feelings have evolved!  And asked about his intentions.  

That took courage and vulnerability and not to sound like a parent or anything but I'm really proud of you for doing that no matter how it turns out! 

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I know I am being weak, but I am so scared to look at my phone 😅 I even turned off the wifi so I don't receive his text ... 🤦‍♀️

Well that's just silly lol but I know how you feel!   It can be nerve-wracking but how will you be able to update us if you don't read his message?  Lol :classic_tongue:

Just teasing. :classic_biggrin:

In any event, I hope it goes your way!  💛

 

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2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

if I were at a man's home (or him at mine) and we were 'cuddling' on couch and he escalated physically, I would think he was attempting to sexually seduce me!

Agreed

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

it's mutual, it's enjoyable and it could possibly lead to a relationship even IF you didn't have sex that night. 

Perhaps the chance of it leading to a relationship is even greater if they didn’t have sex that night - I would imagine most relationship oriented men would have made their intentions clear before sex.

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34 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I would imagine most relationship oriented men would have made their intentions clear before sex.

^^This has been my thinking all along SophiaG and why I had an "off" feeling about him.

But we shall see when/if he responds to her text.  Like I said, I've been somewhat negative about him and trying to keep an open mind. 

Hopefully he has responded by now as the timing is crucial with a text like that imo.  Opening up about her feelings and asking his intentions.

Certainly not a text a man who cared would leave on read or take days to answer. 

 

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I can't help but smile at this post not just with amusement, but also I remember exactly the same feelings when I was once goaded into texting someone I had a crush on. He texted back in no time but I didn't want to look at my phone to see what he said for hours 🤣

Lol, you understand that feeling then. (I haven't read his text yet but I am planning to do so in a few hours, I promise !)

 

8 hours ago, SophiaG said:

 well, he didn't share my feelings but let me down gently and we remained friends with no awkwardness since.

I am sorry he didn't share your feelings ! It's great you could remain friends with no awkwardness, I hope it wasn't too painful on your part ! 

 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^In what way?  And how did you respond to it? 

He got closer when we were sitting next to each other, then he stroked my arm, he asked if he could lie down and he rested his head on my stomach (I didn't think he would do that, but now that I think about it, it was obvious since it's a small couch). As we were talking, he held one of my hand, played with my hair and touched my waist with the other etc ... 

As usual I would say 😅 Meaning I didn't initiate most of these things, but I didn't stop him either. 

 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK granted my experiences have been different and if I were at a man's home (or him at mine) and we were 'cuddling' on couch and he escalated physically, I would think he was attempting to sexually seduce me!  Did he try and kiss you? 

I get that. No he didn't try to kiss me, but if I remember correctly, he brought my hand close to his face several times and I think he kissed my wrist ? 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not that that's a bad thing necessarily and if it's mutual, it's enjoyable and it could possibly lead to a relationship even IF you didn't have sex that night. 

No, we didn't have sex at all. And yes, it was enjoyable ! 

 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That said, I AM keeping an open mind and have NO idea what his intentions are or what he's about.  

Lol, me neither but I am glad I asked ! I may be a bit naive, but I didn't get the feeling he was just looking for sex ? Like I said, we were having an intimate conversation and he was very sweet (but, maybe that does not mean anything).

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

That took courage and vulnerability and not to sound like a parent or anything but I'm really proud of you for doing that no matter how it turns out! 

Thank you so much ❤️ I am also proud of myself ! 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well that's just silly lol but I know how you feel!   It can be nerve-wracking but how will you be able to update us if you don't read his message?  Lol :classic_tongue:

Just teasing. :classic_biggrin:

Lol. I promise I will read his message and update you at some point 😛

 

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did you leave things?  Is another "date" scheduled?  I put date in quotes cause honestly I still can't determine what this is but hopefully you'll know more once he responds.

Any idea when you will see him again? 

We definitely talked about doing this again, but there were no concrete plans ! I will see him anyway at dance events on Tuesday and Friday, as usual ! 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hopefully he has responded by now as the timing is crucial with a text like that imo.  Opening up about her feelings and asking his intentions.

Certainly not a text a man who cared would leave on read or take days to answer. 

I understand, my intuition tells me that he'll reply promptly (if he hasn't already). I will let you know as soon as I read his message 🙂 

Thanks again for your help ! 

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I'm glad he responded - and wish you luck. The evening you described to me has no connection at all to an evening platonic friends spend together.  Of any gender.  I think it's great  you both enjoyed but I wouldn't call that in any culture two friends hanging out at someone's home.  It's a romantic evening at home.  Whether the two people are dating or canoodling or whoopying or whatever the particular culture refers to it as but I can't imagine in any culture this being two friends hanging out.  I don't think he was trying to get  you to have sex -you've known him quite awhile now, he hasn't tried before or mentioned it and I think he gets that you're not a person who would be comfortable having casual sex in that situation.

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1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Holding you to that!   😅 

And saying again I really really hope it goes your way!😍 

Thank you very much !! 🙂 Well, he did reply !!!!

I am sorry to say I haven't opened his text yet, I am too scared 🫣

Right now I am trying to relax, doing some yoga ... And I will open it when I feel ready (and of course, let you know about it !)

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad he responded - and wish you luck

Thank you, I am going to need it ! 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Whether the two people are dating or canoodling or whoopying or whatever the particular culture refers to it as but I can't imagine in any culture this being two friends hanging out. 

Yes, I don't think it's friendly either. 

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10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Lol, you understand that feeling then. (I haven't read his text yet but I am planning to do so in a few hours, I promise !)

🤣 Good luck!

10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I am sorry he didn't share your feelings ! It's great you could remain friends with no awkwardness, I hope it wasn't too painful on your part !

Thanks! Nope, it wasn't painful at all other than the initial disappointment and a little bit of bruised ego (lol) as we barely knew each other and I was not emotionally invested, I just thought he was hot and sweet 😉 Now I'm actually more happy he didn't reciprocate or I might not have met my bf!

10 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

He got closer when we were sitting next to each other, then he stroked my arm, he asked if he could lie down and he rested his head on my stomach (I didn't think he would do that, but now that I think about it, it was obvious since it's a small couch). As we were talking, he held one of my hand, played with my hair and touched my waist with the other etc ...

Yep, that all sounded VERY intimate. Things I'd do only with a boyfriend - not even someone I've been dating and kissing/making out with. I mean the lying on your stomach part, to me that's a vulnerable position and I only do it with someone I feel completely comfortable and safe with. Granted men may feel differently about that but it does seem he's quite brazen with it! I don't think there is any room to disguise that as friendly touches anymore.

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1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

I am sorry to say I haven't opened his text yet, I am too scared 🫣

Shy, I know you're nervous but please don't wait too long to open. 

Thinking positively he may be on the same page and want to see you tonight or tomorrow and awaiting a response. 

You've accused him of being thoughtless for leaving messages on read and/or not responding for long periods of time; behaving the same even though it's cause you're nervous and scared to even read the message (which HE doesnt know) sends a poor message assuming he feels the same (which he might) which you won't know until you open and read it. 

Dating, developing feelings IS nerve-wracking and scary at times however please don't allow fear to steer your ship.

Be brave, take a risk. You will be fine no matter which way it goes, I can almost promise you that. 😃

 

 

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I finally opened his text !
 

He didn’t say anything special : he asked how I was, apologized and asked if he could answer more thoroughly tomorrow (he’s at another dance festival) 🤷‍♀️

I stressed for nothing.

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19 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I finally opened his text !
 

He didn’t say anything special : he asked how I was, apologized and asked if he could answer more thoroughly tomorrow (he’s at another dance festival) 🤷‍♀️

I stressed for nothing.

So he didn’t give a short answer to tell you yes he also is interested and wants to talk in person ? Or by “answer more “ he means he doesn’t want to type an answer at all? He’s busy it seems today and too busy to speak by phone or perhaps wishes only to speak in person. I guess you’ll see. 

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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So he didn’t give a short answer to tell you yes he also is interested and wants to talk in person ?

No, he didn’t. He replied to my others texts (those where I asked about his day and wished him a nice weekend basically), but he said he would reply to the other one (the one where I said my feelings had evolved etc…) tomorrow. 
 

I guess he didn’t want to make it short and wanted to have more time to develop ? 
 

 

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I always think it's majorly important to discuss such important matters in person. For me, texts are for fluffy things like: Hope you're having a good day. (Or, to confirm plans, etc.)

So much is conveyed in facial and body cues in person, and if you don't understand exactly what's being said, you can immediately clear things up with quick questions and answers. Typed words can lack the correct sentiment and can be misconstrued.

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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

I always think it's majorly important to discuss such important matters in person. For me, texts are for fluffy things like: Hope you're having a good day. (Or, to confirm plans, etc.)

So much is conveyed in facial and body cues in person, and if you don't understand exactly what's being said, you can immediately clear things up with quick questions and answers. Typed words can lack the correct sentiment and can be misconstrued.

Yes. I see what you are saying because she chose text to have this really important and potentially deep conversation.  And that might not be his thing so even a short answer could be misunderstood. 

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I did not read anything that would suggest he wants to have this talk in person. 

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

he asked how I was, apologized and asked if he could answer more thoroughly tomorrow (he’s at another dance festival) 🤷‍♀️

My take from this^ is that he's at another festival today and will have more time to answer/discuss tomorrow.

Since @Shy mentioned nothing about seeing him tomorrow I am going to assume he means he will answer by text. 

@Shycarrot, can you clarify?  DID he ask to see you tomorrow to discuss in person? 

 

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Wow, more suspense! I agree important conversations should be had in person or at least over the phone but can't he just give a short and sweet answer that eliminates all ambiguity and saves OP and us from another day of anxious waiting?! 🤣 

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30 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

but can't he just give a short and sweet answer that eliminates all ambiguity...

^^Of course he could, and any man who was serious about dating and developing a relationship with her would have, imo.

Knowing that expressing her feelings and asking his intentions was a very vulnerable and anxiety-provoking thing to do!

i dunno, all this mystery he's creating, ambiguity and elusiveness are big red flags, imo. 

I don't know what his angle is quite frankly.  If ME, I wouldn't trust it and would most likely stop seeing him, as a friend or otherwise.  I'd be thoroughly turned off and I'm being 100% truthful when saying that. 

I know I sound like a broken record but as I've said something feels very off about this. 

Shy, my final piece of advice is hope for the best, prepare (emotionally) for the worst. 

I'm sorry I truly wish I could be more positive but it's just one thing after the other, it's too much. 

 

 

 

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