Am I attracted or not ?

[Jaunty]

One thing for sure:  no matter what happens, the trajectory of this thread has been extremely interesting.   

OP want from "am I attracted to him" and sharing how she told him outright ONLY FRIENDS

To now, being on the verge of panic because he has shown a decrease of keenness.   

But the actual dynamics, or knowledge of the person in question, have not really changed.

So this is a great deal of emotional movement inside of the OP that is not in response to the actual realities of the person or the situations - since they've remained fairly consistent.

OP:  people that don't really know each other organically, where one wants "romance" and the other does not, rarely blossom into REAL friendships.   The reason is that they don't know each other like friends do.

Each of you probably have your own friendships and these do need attention - so do familial relationships.  

So just "hanging out" with a new person and making time for that to continue seems to fade away in most cases.

I tend to privately eye roll when people are told "I like you as a friend - lets just be friends" when they are being let down by someone they wanted to date.

I'm like "sure."  Like, that friendship is really going to blossom into something important in either of their lives.  

I said earlier that people who were romantically attracted but it came to naught CAN be true friends - but I have rarely seen that happen when they were not getting to know each other organically.   

I don't know what Western country you are from where there is no "dating" but obviously you understand the difference between people who are in a romantic / courting kind of mode and those who are buddies.   

 

[Shycarrot]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Shycarrot, just curious but why did it take him distancing and show less interest for you to become more interested?

Or were you this interested before he began distancing? 

I'm unclear about that.

Have you thought about that at all?

If he began showing strong interest and expressed he wanted a relationship, how would you feel?

Would you become ambivalent again, scared? 

No judgment and not accusing, just asking. 

 

 

 

I think I started to become interested before he began distancing himself.

But I was still figuring things out, so when I finally sorted out my feelings, he had already started to distance himself 🤔 

This triggered my anxiety, who was only amplified by my tendency to self-blame («it’s all my fault, I screwed up again » etc …). 

 

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If he began showing strong interest and expressed he wanted a relationship, how would you feel?

Would you become ambivalent again, scared? 

 

I think I would feel relieved ? 
Yes, I would be scared but as long as he was okay with taking things slow physically, I think I could manage my fear.

 

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

don't think this is about ego.  But it might possibly be your anxiety and insecurity steering this ship rather than genuine intetest in him.

If it is, it's not uncommon.

I don't know and no judgment and not accusing, just asking. 

I don’t know, I am not sure about this.  There are things I like about him.

If anything, I think my anxiety and insecurity made me think I didn’t like him ? 
 

 

[yogacat]

30 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

One thing for sure:  no matter what happens, the trajectory of this thread has been extremely interesting.   

OP want from "am I attracted to him" and sharing how she told him outright ONLY FRIENDS

To now, being on the verge of panic because he has shown a decrease of keenness.   

But the actual dynamics, or knowledge of the person in question, have not really changed.

So this is a great deal of emotional movement inside of the OP that is not in response to the actual realities of the person or the situations - since they've remained fairly consistent.

OP:  people that don't really know each other organically, where one wants "romance" and the other does not, rarely blossom into REAL friendships.   The reason is that they don't know each other like friends do.

Each of you probably have your own friendships and these do need attention - so do familial relationships.  

So just "hanging out" with a new person and making time for that to continue seems to fade away in most cases.

I tend to privately eye roll when people are told "I like you as a friend - lets just be friends" when they are being let down by someone they wanted to date.

I'm like "sure."  Like, that friendship is really going to blossom into something important in either of their lives.  

I said earlier that people who were romantically attracted but it came to naught CAN be true friends - but I have rarely seen that happen when they were not getting to know each other organically.   

I don't know what Western country you are from where there is no "dating" but obviously you understand the difference between people who are in a romantic / courting kind of mode and those who are buddies.   

 

Yes, it's unfortunate that people are not able to express their authentic feelings....because in this case, he now thinks that OP was more interested in being his friend more than anything more.

So his initial ardor has dampened.....

I recall a man that I had been on one date with I didn't feel 100% about. We are not truly friends albeit we have known each other for years.   

However we are not in each other's lives to the extent that either of us would appreciate.   

But on the few times when we did hang out one on one....it was always awkward.  So, I think that I know him to the point that actual friendship would be problematic.   

Part of him recoiling and now your sudden interest is ego but it's also fear because you're not going to filter your feelings through the rose coloured glasses any more.

So, you still don't want to "date" but now you feel like you are missing out on the possibility.

You still need to figure out what you really want in your romantic life and I daresay that you need to focus on this before waving to someone and inviting them into your intimate world.

Take a peek back at a year ago, six months ago and three weeks ago. Read your posts aloud and try to understand why it's normal or not normal or why you're brushing dating your potential partners under the rug. You also need to understand why you find it necessary to go through this dance with a friend but maybe not a potential romantic partner. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

If anything, I think my anxiety and insecurity made me think I didn’t like him ? 

Okay but those same anxieties and insecurities are still there, they didn't magically disappear.

So what's changed? 

Other than he's become distant and less interested?  Or appears to have. 

Sorry for all the questions, you don't need to answer here if you don't want, but rather something to consider and discuss with your therapist.

Again, this is pretty common and I see it happen a lot. 

Hence all the hot/cold, off/on, push/pull type relationships that exist.

Emotions can be confusing sometimes!  For both people. 

 

[Shycarrot]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay but those same anxieties and insecurities are still there, they didn't magically disappear.

So what's changed? 

Other than he's become dis🙄tant and less interested?  Or appears to have. 

Sorry for all the questions, you don't need to answer here if you don't want, but rather something to consider and discuss with your therapist.

Again, this is pretty common and I see it happen a lot. 

Hence all the hot/cold, off/on, push/pull type relationships that exist.

Emotions can be confusing sometimes!  For both people. 

 

I am not sure I understand. What are you implying ? That I am only interested when he's not and vice versa ? 

The way I see it, my anxiety is always here (more or less) but is permanently evolving : when I don't have a crush, I get anxious that I am going to end up alone, if I have one and it does not work, I get anxious because I feel like I am cursed. 

If there's a nice guy, I get anxious because I don't feel like my feelings are strong enough yada yada 

I am pretty sure that if he said that he was still interested, my anxiety would be replaced by a fear of physical intimacy. And if overcame that, well, I would probably get anxious about something else...

It's a never-ending story 🙄

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I am not sure I understand. What are you implying ? That I am only interested when he's not and vice versa ? 

Shycarrot, I am not "implying" anything, like I said, I am simply asking you questions for you to consider and perhaps discuss with your therapist.

I even said you need not answer here, it's not necessary, that's not why I asked.  

No one is accusing you of anything, we are simply trying to understand that's all.

I hope everything turns out the way you hope, all the best.  

Ciao. 

[SophiaG]

I don't think this is a case of OP sending "mixed signals" or being a tease rather developing and learning about her feelings over time, which is quite natural. If anything I think the guy friend is sending mixed signals by being touchy feely and then disconnect for days. It is possible, of course, that he's pulling back due to OP not reciprocating his sexual/romantic interest, or that's just his communication style. Maybe their feelings are both changing/evolving and his interest faded while she grew more interested - unfortunate but it happens. No necessarily anyone's fault and there's always someone else.

I do want to say, though, as someone who can also get anxious in a relationship - I avoid guys who are "hot and cold" or fluctuate in frequency of communication or level of affection. It doesn't work for me and triggers a lot of second guessing, overthinking, resentment, etc. I don't think I'm naturally anxious - with my current bf I rarely overanalyze anything and just feel comfortable talking to him and expressing my feelings 99% of the time, because he is consistently communicative/affectionate and doesn't periodically create distance or space for me to overthink.

Another note - IMO there's nothing wrong with being analytical and not every thought is "overthinking." People do reflect on others' and their own actions and talk with friends/strangers on Internet as they evaluate things and that's how we grow and learn. It's only when the thoughts become obsessive and interferes with our daily functions or social interactions, like when you replay the same events/alternative scenarios in your head over and over again, or when you debate with yourself back and forth and can't seem to make up your mind, then it becomes unhealthy overthinking IMO. Having a list of distractions handy in those situations had been helpful for me.

[Shycarrot]

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

So his initial ardor has dampened.....

I know you can't really answer that, but do you think it's salvageable ? 

27 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Part of him recoiling and now your sudden interest is ego but it's also fear because you're not going to filter your feelings through the rose coloured glasses any more

 

I am not sure both are linked (him recoiling and my sudden interest). It's more of a coincidence :

last week, a close friend told me she thought that I liked him but I was scared. At the time, he was at a festival so I was worried but not too worried about his lack of reply. 

I finally admitted to myself that I liked him, my friend convinces me that I need to talk to him etc ... except that he takes days to reply to my texts saying he was sick, and we end up not seeing each other at all. 

 

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

So, you still don't want to "date" but now you feel like you are missing out on the possibility.

Why are you speaking on my behalf ? I know I want to "date" him, or explore a romantic connection with him. 

 

33 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You also need to understand why you find it necessary to go through this dance with a friend but maybe not a potential romantic partner. 

I am sorry, I don't understand this part ? 

[Shycarrot]

52 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

One thing for sure:  no matter what happens, the trajectory of this thread has been extremely interesting.   

OP want from "am I attracted to him" and sharing how she told him outright ONLY FRIENDS

To now, being on the verge of panic because he has shown a decrease of keenness.   

But the actual dynamics, or knowledge of the person in question, have not really changed.

So this is a great deal of emotional movement inside of the OP that is not in response to the actual realities of the person or the situations - since they've remained fairly consistent.

I am not sure I understand. You are saying that the actual realities have remained consistent but you said above that there was a decrease of keenness ? 

But I agree in the sense that I am in my head too much ... 

55 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So just "hanging out" with a new person and making time for that to continue seems to fade away in most cases.

If I understand correctly, you are saying that we were never "friends" since he was romantically interested and that it is natural that he stops making time to interact with me ? (since we're not friends and he does not know that I am interested) 

 

[Shycarrot]

19 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

Maybe their feelings are both changing/evolving and his interest faded while she grew more interested - unfortunate but it happens.

At first this made me anxious, but you know what ? If it's indeed a case where his interest "faded", I suppose it would have faded anyway later down the line so it's best if it's happening now. 

(I am not blaming him, I know not everyone can like me and vice versa)

19 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

No necessarily anyone's fault and there's always someone else.

Sorry, but what do you mean by "there's always someone else" ? 

19 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I do want to say, though, as someone who can also get anxious in a relationship - I avoid guys who are "hot and cold" or fluctuate in frequency of communication or level of affection. It doesn't work for me and triggers a lot of second guessing, overthinking, resentment, etc

I get that. But it's something that I can discuss with a future partner and if I know that he's genuine, reliable and trustworthy, I may accept that he needs a few days off his phone etc ... 

19 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

It's only when the thoughts become obsessive and interferes with our daily functions or social interactions, like when you replay the same events/alternative scenarios in your head over and over again, or when you debate with yourself back and forth and can't seem to make up your mind, then it becomes unhealthy overthinking IMO. Having a list of distractions handy in those situations had been helpful for me.

Yes, I agree. I have been able to work today, but despite this, he was always on my mind. It didn't interfere with my activity though 

[Shycarrot]

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Like, let's say if I met a guy through friends and we decided to catch up. If he says to me: "This is just as friends right?" If I'm not interested in him, I'd just say: "Yeah totally, just as friends." But if I like him then I might say: "Sure but friendships can become more". I wouldn't say anything about becoming more to someone I'm not into.

I agree with this, I think it was just a subtle way for him to not leave the door open. 

Ironically, the other guy who I said I only wanted friendship with a few days ago replied with an "of course, it's all good !" lol 

And he still texts me everyday haha 

[SophiaG]

14 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Sorry, but what do you mean by "there's always someone else" ? 

I mean you’d always meet someone else you like if this one doesn’t work out!

[Shycarrot]

5 minutes ago, SophiaG said:

I mean you’d always meet someone else you like if this one doesn’t work out!

Oh I see ! I do think clicking with someone is pretty rare (for me at least). If you add the fact that he needs to be single, almost my age etc ... It's even rarer 😅

Like, I have met a lot of guys this year. I didn't post about it, but I had my fair share of false hopes, disappointments etc ... 

But thank you ! 

[Batya33]

I think timing matters and how people act and interact can ehhance/develop/grow feelings and their intensity -or vice versa.  Enough push and pull and the spark that was there fades -sometimes because  the person experiencing it builds up a wall to avoid being hurt again, sometimes because the person realizes it was the drama igniting or maintaining the spark not the person.

Sure sometimes feelings fade over time -anyway.  It happens.  Can be for no reason but more typically -one person changes - changes as in grows more confident and feels like they need their partner less and there's not enough to sustain the relationship, sometimes even outer changes -the person accomplishes a degree or new career, maybe meets others doing the same, realizes her partner has stagnated in his or her life and no longer matches them in ambition or zest for life.  And sometimes as in You've Got Mail the relationship is -ok but meh -then one person meets another who knocks her socks off and she realizes sort of what she's been missing.

But for sure if both people don't nurture and invest in a growing spark, a new relationship, feelings that might have grown/a relationship that might have developed -might never get off the ground.

[SophiaG]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Oh I see ! I do think clicking with someone is pretty rare (for me at least). If you add the fact that he needs to be single, almost my age etc ... It's even rarer 😅

Like, I have met a lot of guys this year. I didn't post about it, but I had my fair share of false hopes, disappointments etc ... 

But thank you ! 

I get that, and I felt that way too. But telling myself I can and will find other people I like can lessen some of the pressure and make me not so desperate to "make things work" with a specific person which can actually make things worse.

You got this!

[Tinydance]

OK last comment from me. I understand you are a shy and anxious person. I mean, you put shy in your username for a reason. But I think you really have to work on that. If you're scared you'll end up alone then don't allow for that to happen. Don't allow life just to happen TO you. You need to take control.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you'd written like 10 + pages of very long posts about this guy. You'd known you liked him for a while now. But you didn't do anything. Sure I could be wrong but I think he liked/likes you too. Personally I think you told him you just want to be friends out of fear. Because not having to date and feel nervous was safe. There is really no point analysing for 20 pages while you actually do nothing in regards to the actual person.

I don't think this guy was hot and cold. I think he was showing you he liked you for four months but you didn't reciprocate. Most normal people won't be acting pathetic and chasing someone for years. They'll show interest but if they get nothing back, they move on. I understand it's scary but you NEED to fight that fear. Otherwise every guy you like will be "the one that got away". And I totally understand it's scary but if you like a guy, just tell him and get it over with. Even just by a quick text. But at least put yourself out there, at least do something.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

And I totally understand it's scary but if you like a guy, just tell him and get it over with. Even just by a quick text. But at least put yourself out there, at least do something.

^^OR if you prefer to not be so bold, at the very least DON'T announce on the first date that you only want a friendship. .

If you're uncertain how you feel, simply continue dating him until you're sure one way or the other.

For me personally I know very quickly but others need more time.  Both are okay. 

You've stated you become anxious and scared by physical /sexual intimacy.  My take is this is why you push away men who are interested in dating you (even if you're not consciously aware of it) -- to avoid the possibility of it happening or even having to think about it! 

I'm curious what you find so scary about it but it's possible you have a fear of vulnerability and sexual passion, sexual intimacy does often cause us to become vulnerable.

However if your goal is a mutually-rewarding loving, caring relationship with a man, you are going to have to find a way to overcome these fears or you will end up alone. 

I 100% agree with @Tinydanceabout that and other things she said. 

 

[Batya33]

Also keep in mind without naming specific names -you all know who you are -a number of people on this site who post regularly have faced significant obstacles to finding the right person - not specifically mentioning shyness but -past trauma/dysfunctional family background/- big stuff! And many have found the right person while facing those fears and obstacles.  Because they wanted it that badly.  You have to want it badly even if you're a typical person but if  you have obstacles -and shyness can be! - you have to be willing to take the plunge, that leap of faith.  People who are posting on this thread I believe are some of the members of this site to whom I am referring.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 

If I understand correctly, you are saying that we were never "friends" since he was romantically interested and that it is natural that he stops making time to interact with me ? (since we're not friends and he does not know that I am interested) 

 

Not exactly.  I think you are "friends."  But the way you have been interacting is probably not realistically sustainable for "friends."   For several reasons but mainly friendship is not usually goal oriented, while dating / courting is.   So when you are doing "friend" activities with a new friend of the opposite sex who was interested initially in dating, it seems predictable that it will peter out somewhat - because of social and familial things that take time and attention.   

These are all adults with responsibilities and probably important relationships,  pass times and other things that always are there ready to be attended to.  

So the new opposite sex "friend" who is not interested in dating can easily get further and further in the background.

Does this make sense?

[Shycarrot]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

So the new opposite sex "friend" who is not interested in dating can easily get further and further in the background.

Yes, it makes total sense. Thanks clarifying 🙏

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^OR if you prefer to not be so bold, at the very least DON'T announce on the first date that you only want a friendship. .

If you're uncertain how you feel, simply continue dating him until you're sure one way or the other.

At the time, I was pretty sure that I didn’t like him 🤔 I didn’t expect that I would develop an attraction and I didn’t want him to lead him on. But maybe I should heave been more nuanced. 

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm curious what you find so scary about it but it's possible you have a fear of vulnerability and sexual passion, sexual intimacy does often cause us to become vulnerable.

I am scared of the vulnerability that comes with it, I would say. My mother and later on my ex, used to pick on my appearance. 

But I know that realistically, most people don’t do that so it’s not very likely that I will end up with someone who does again. 
And more importantly, I won’t allow it to happen, I know I don’t deserve this.  No one does. 
 

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

However if your goal is a mutually-rewarding loving, caring relationship with a man, you are going to have to find a way to overcome these fears or you will end up alone.

I know ! I am convinced that exposure will make me realize how groundless my fears were. But I still need to take the plunge first lol 

 

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My take is this is why you push away men who are interested in dating you (even if you're not consciously aware of it) -- to avoid the possibility of it happening or even having to think about it! 

It was mainly when I was younger. But for the last few years, I have been rejecting guys for good reasons ! 
I don’t think of anyone as « the one that got away ». 

But the current guy could be, if I let this opportunity slip away. 
 

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK last comment from me. I understand you are a shy and anxious person. I mean, you put shy in your username for a reason. But I think you really have to work on that. If you're scared you'll end up alone then don't allow for that to happen. Don't allow life just to happen TO you. You need to take control.

I understand your frustration, I really do. 
 

 

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think this guy was hot and cold. I think he was showing you he liked you for four months but you didn't reciprocate. Most normal people won't be acting pathetic and chasing someone for years. They'll show interest but if they get nothing back, they move on. I understand it's scary but you NEED to fight that fear. Otherwise every guy you like will be "the one that got away". And I totally understand it's scary but if you like a guy, just tell him and get it over with. Even just by a quick text. But at least put yourself out there, at least do something.

He didn’t court me for like 4 months : he didn’t return most of my texts when he was abroad and in we went to dinner mid-July. 
But I get your point 😅

Anyway, he texted me yesterday and he will let me know if he’s available on Thursday, otherwise he suggested we meet on Wednesday but I have to wake up early the next day, so it’s not convenient for me 🤔

I am sorry to embark you in this roller coaster 😬

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Anyway, he texted me yesterday and he will let me know if he’s available on Thursday, otherwise he suggested we meet on Wednesday but I have to wake up early the next day, so it’s not convenient for me 🤔

How inconvenient is it? Can you nap earlier in the day or the next day? Keep it shorter? Something isn't jibing here - all of this intensity about now liking him, wanting to see him again and then - saying no because of "convenience?"

[SophiaG]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

At the time, I was pretty sure that I didn’t like him 🤔 I didn’t expect that I would develop an attraction and I didn’t want him to lead him on. But maybe I should heave been more nuanced. 

No, I think you did the best you can to be transparent back then. But he continue to "test the water" by crossing the friendship line and you did not start a conversation of either restating your boundaries and stopping his touches or reevaluating your stance and telling him you're open for more - that's what I'd change in future. As for only wanting to be friends at first and changing your mind later on, that's perfectly normal. You weren't dating either.

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I am scared of the vulnerability that comes with it, I would say. My mother and later on my ex, used to pick on my appearance.

Given this and your inexperience, it's understandable to be cautious and a bit scared. I was a virgin in my early 20s and I was both intimidated by the prospect of sex (I was afraid it'd hurt) and a bit embarrassed by the fact of being a virgin in my 20s - I did not give off the vibe of being traditional/conservative or a prude lol - so the older I got the more afraid I was that the guy would be surprised/judgmental/weirded out that I'd never had PIV sex. But trust me, when I met someone I was crazy about it just happened very naturally and he didn't make me feel embarrassed/uncomfortable at all. He ended up not being the right person for me but the sex/physical intimacy with him was still a very beautiful experience.

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

But I know that realistically, most people don’t do that so it’s not very likely that I will end up with someone who does again. 
And more importantly, I won’t allow it to happen, I know I don’t deserve this.  No one does.

This is great attitude and I'm glad you see it this way!

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

But the current guy could be, if I let this opportunity slip away. 

I wouldn't see him as "the one that got away" even if it doesn't work out - you didn't find him attractive at first and too many things are still not aligned be it timing, levels of interest, communication styles, boundaries, etc. It could well be simple incompatibilities.

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Anyway, he texted me yesterday and he will let me know if he’s available on Thursday, otherwise he suggested we meet on Wednesday but I have to wake up early the next day, so it’s not convenient for me 🤔

I wouldn't try to change your plans or squeeze in some time to meet him on Wednesday at this point - remember you are going to have that important conversation when you next meet and you don't want to cut it short due to time constraints or leave the scene sad/disappointed only to be sleep deprived and exhausted the next day. Also due to his inconsistent behavior last week I wouldn't rush to the first chance he suggests to meet when it doesn't suit your schedule - I'd be clear with my availability and let him demonstrate that he's serious about meeting up this time. If Thursday doesn't work for him, how about this weekend? If you're worried it's been too long since you last talked and he might drift away/lose interest, tell him that "there's something important I want to talk to you about when we meet, so I don't want to rush it."

Keep in mind you don't owe him anything. Just because he liked you and showed interest doesn't mean you were obliged to reciprocate. You were upfront and didn't lead him on. If he was tired of "waiting" and lost interest - too bad - but you didn't ask him to wait. You were spending time together and he could have initiated the conversation "where are we" or asked you to reevaluate if you still want to be "just friends" instead of being touchy feely and saying nothing - it's not solely on you to speak up. Were there things you could have handled better? Probably, but you owe that to yourself, not to him. Now you realized you like him and are open for more. Great! But that's not saying you are suddenly madly in love with him and you don't have to give him all the attention or be available whenever he wants to see you. If he likes you he will find a time that works for you both. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, SophiaG said:

remember you are going to have that important conversation when you next meet and you don't want to cut it short due to time constraints or leave the scene sad/disappointed only to be sleep deprived and exhausted the next day

This important conversation should be really quick because if they're both on the same page he will want her to know he is interested in pursuing a potential serious relationship with her or dating her or whatever verbiage is used in that country to reflect that intention.  If he hems and haws or acts ambivalent or clueless it should also be really short. Doubt means no.  So if I were she I'd change the  subject after that ASAP.  

She shouldn't be exhausted but she wrote "inconvenient" which to me doesn't mean "impossible" or even nearly so.

[Jaunty]

I think that "inconvenient" is a pretty lame reason not to meet this guy - after you've devoted 10 pages of angst and who knows how many hours of it within your own head - to this whole situation.

If I liked someone and thought they might be moving on - and they suggested a get together soon - that would take precedence over extra sleep no question.

You are still ambivalent about whether to even explore this further, aren't you?

[SophiaG]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This important conversation should be really quick because if they're both on the same page he will want her to know he is interested in pursuing a potential serious relationship with her or dating her or whatever verbiage is used in that country to reflect that intention.  If he hems and haws or acts ambivalent or clueless it should also be really short. Doubt means no.  So if I were she I'd change the  subject after that ASAP.  

She shouldn't be exhausted but she wrote "inconvenient" which to me doesn't mean "impossible" or even nearly so.

My impression is that OP isn't going to approach this conversation like meeting up at a cafe, sitting down and getting down straight to business. That would be your approach, Batya, and could be my approach when I feel like it - but OP probably feels different and that's fine IMO. She mentioned wanting to wait until he's touchy feely again to ask about his intentions and go from there. And I wouldn't be surprised if they were going to spend some time just hanging out so she feels comfortable again after the long period of distance from him. If it's going to be their first "date" in the real sense I'd want it to last at least a few hours and not just be a 30-min quick meeting.

The "inconvenience" part as I read it: if I have an early work meeting on the next day I might prefer to stay in the night before to get ready and make sure I get some good rest. Would I go out if I have to, like if a family member or good friend has an emergency and needs help, or if there's been an argument/misunderstanding in my established relationship and my bf is eager to clear things up? Sure, but I'd rather schedule a potential first date - one with someone that just disappeared on me for a few days at that - on a different day when it doesn't interfere with my other arrangements and I can be more relaxed and get in the "learning about each other" mode.

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I think that "inconvenient" is a pretty lame reason not to meet this guy - after you've devoted 10 pages of angst and who knows how many hours of it within your own head - to this whole situation.

I don't quite get this heightened scrutiny in recent comments (not specifically yours, just quoting for convenience) on how OP isn't doing/saying anything or doesn't want to meet this guy - she has been actively planning a meeting with him since last week and is actually planning to open up and have the conversation! Wanting to meet someone doesn't mean being available whenever they suggest to meet regardless of your own schedule or convenience. And let's not forget the "10 pages" that have been mentioned over and over again had been back and forth discussions, a lot of which contributed by other commenters - myself included - not just OP herself. Some might have even commented because they find OP's situation relatable. The length of the thread has no real bearing on how the situation will or should evolve in OP's life.

I just think we could all give OP a break and not make her blame herself even more for "sending mixed signals," "not taking action" etc. She might still be ambivalent about him - so what if she is? Ultimately she has to approach this her own way and figure out her own feelings. We are all observing aspects of OP's life and giving suggestions based on our own experience but can't make her live her life the way we would, nor should we.