how do you forgive your partner for the mistakes that they do?

[asena]

Hey!

I struggle a lot with forgiving my boyfriend for the things he has done in the past. I mean things that were genuine mistakes. 

I know that mistakes happen. We grow and we learn. I did many things wrong and i hope he has forgiven me but there are things i can‘t get over no matter how hard i try.

He now is severely depressed and while i try to support him as much as i can, i feel resentment because i‘ve been giving my all and getting nothing back. I feel deeply deeply guilty for feeling this way. 

I am afraid that i will not be able to forgive him for the pain and confusion his situation has caused me but i want to forgive him.

Now i wanted to ask, especially to the people that are already married and probably had to forgive their partners a lot.

How do you do it? Do you keep talking about it? do you just forget about it or do you not forgive and just live with it?

 

 

[SophiaG]

What kind of mistakes are we talking about? Him being depressed and neglecting you once in a while? Missed birthdays or anniversaries? Or generally being cold and not present for you? Emotional abuse?

[asena]

Just now, SophiaG said:

What kind of mistakes are we talking about? Him being depressed and neglecting you once in a while? Missed birthdays or anniversaries? Or generally being cold and not present for you? Emotional abuse?

One would be him cancelling on me on my birthday, which i KNOW is because he is depressed.

Another one would be last year when he was working a lot and we didn‘t really speak (apart from 5mins a day)or meet for 3-4 weeks straight because all he wanted to do in his free time was play video games. I know he was depressed then too. 

Or when he was depressed again and distant. I was on vacation and extremely anxious every single day and he didn‘t once make the effort to make me feel better. 

He apologized now for all of these things and i want to forgive him but i don‘t know how

[Seraphim]

You forgive by realizing that mental health isn’t really a choice . However , feelings are valid. You feel how you feel . 
 

Is he doing anything to help himself ?

[asena]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

You forgive by realizing that mental health isn’t really a choice . However , feelings are valid. You feel how you feel . 
 

Is he doing anything to help himself ?

no he isn‘t. He refuses to go to therapy

[SophiaG]

13 minutes ago, asena said:

he didn‘t once make the effort to make me feel better. 

He apologized now for all of these things and i want to forgive him but i don‘t know how

Talk is cheap. If he apologizes but puts in no real effort I don't blame you for having a hard time forgiving him. Did he do anything to make up to you for canceling your birthday plans?

You are not married. If there's already so much resentment built up and no clear path to improvement I'd break up and move on.

[Seraphim]

23 minutes ago, asena said:

no he isn‘t. He refuses to go to therapy

If he is refusing to help himself this is beyond your pay grade and it is time to leave this relationship. 

[Capricorn3]

22 minutes ago, asena said:

no he isn‘t. He refuses to go to therapy

^ That right there would make me re-think the relationship.  I mean, does he think just because he has depression he can continue to hurt you and expect you to be okay with it?  It doesn't work that way (imo).

[Coily]

Therapy isn't always this magical silver bullet. If he has other ways of managing his depression, are they effective?

It looks like you are finding ways to stay resentful of your BF, hate to be that blunt; but most people would have come up with a solution to thees issues rather than letting them build. Also, from the outside looking in, these are not  issues to carry a grudge over.

While your feelings are valid about him skipping out when he's depressed. Is it fair to your relationship to let these issues continue to fester? Is that who you want to be?

 

[Batya33]

The question is how do people in a relationship forgive each other the question is how do you proceed in a relationship where the person is behaving in an insensitive way to you because he chooses to live with depression and subject you to it rather than trying to help himself and also hopefully the way you two interact.  If you saw him working on himself i bet you'd find it in your heart to be more forgiving but in this situation there's a high risk of him treating you insensitively again.  So your motivation to forgive is a lot less -right?

[smackie9]

Time to throw in the towel. If he can't help himself, he never will. His depression is NOT your problem to solve. He's made your life miserable...get out now because it ain't gonna get any better.

[shouldhavelearned]

Be careful 

Seems that there is more to this than meets the eye.

[Jaunty]

I feel like you have a misguided notion about what "forgiveness" entails.  

You seem to be in a relationship with someone who is not capable of functioning in a healthy relationship at this time.  

He is not capable.  He is depressed.  It has nothing to do with "mistakes."  Sure you can forgive him for blowing off your birthday or other specific things but what you probably really need to do is to take care of YOURSELF and move on from this relationship.  

You can still forgive him for anything he has done that hurt you.  It doesn't mean that you should remain in a relationship with him.  

[DarkCh0c0]

9 hours ago, asena said:

he didn‘t once make the effort to make me feel better

That's the crux of the issue.

He doesn't put in efforts in this relationship. It's not a mistakes problem. It's a lack of care and effort. He doesn't care enough about you. He might sweet talk and apologize, but his actions tell you all you need to know.

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

If he is refusing to help himself this is beyond your pay grade and it is time to leave this relationship. 

Agreed.

You are not his therapist nor mother. If he refuses to get help or take charge, then he is not qualified to be in a relationship. He might "think" he is or convince you he is, but he's not.

The bare minimum in a relationship would be for him to match you at your level of effort and care. But if he doesn't do so, then he's not the guy you need.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but you cant expect somebody that has depression(and doesnt even want to treat it) to be a "perfect boyfriend". He has depression. Ofcourse he would rather stay at home to play computer games than go out. 

This is not an excuse for him, far from it. This is, by default, entirely on him. But just dont think you understand that he cant be available as boyfriend as he has mental illness. And that its not a question why you cant forgive him for being unavailable, but why are you with somebody who in his current condition, really cant be what you want him to be. And who, doesnt even want to get treated and try to get into healthy mindset where he would be available for you. It doesnt mean anything that he apologized when he is bound to do it again and again. Because the cause of the issue is still there.

[asena]

10 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

That's the crux of the issue.

He doesn't put in efforts in this relationship. It's not a mistakes problem. It's a lack of care and effort. He doesn't care enough about you. He might sweet talk and apologize, but his actions tell you all you need to know.

Agreed.

You are not his therapist nor mother. If he refuses to get help or take charge, then he is not qualified to be in a relationship. He might "think" he is or convince you he is, but he's not.

The bare minimum in a relationship would be for him to match you at your level of effort and care. But if he doesn't do so, then he's not the guy you need.

thank u so much for all the responses.

I just ended it 20 minutes ago. I wanted to speak about the things that have been bothering me and he started crazy driving and yelling at me 👍 and then just threw me out in the middle of nowhere and then texted me blaming me for it 👍 he is beyond help 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, asena said:

thank u so much for all the responses.

I just ended it 20 minutes ago. I wanted to speak about the things that have been bothering me and he started crazy driving and yelling at me 👍 and then just threw me out in the middle of nowhere and then texted me blaming me for it 👍 he is beyond help 

I'm glad you ended it. I hope he seeks help.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, asena said:

I wanted to speak about the things that have been bothering me and he started crazy driving and yelling at me 👍 and then just threw me out in the middle of nowhere and then texted me blaming me for it 👍 he is beyond help 

Omg. He put your safety at risk to throw a tantrum. What a manipulative man child.

He is beyond help indeed. Now you know to walk away more quickly from bad behaviour because it can only escalate. No more unnecessary excuses and justifications.

You are worthy. Worthy of a loving and caring partner. Keep your eyes on those who treat you right. You got it 🩷💪

[Jaunty]

You do need to sort out your notions about "mistakes" and "forgiveness."  

You are correct - one must be capable of "letting go" of the mistakes of their loved ones if they intend to stay together in a healthy relationship.   

Also, I believe in "forgiveness" even for very bad things; for example I was in a relationship when young with a person who took drugs.  We both got clean and sober and had a happy time together for several years and then they went back on drugs.   It trashed the life we'd built and I left.

It took time but I forgave that person - I did not choose to carry around anger and bitterness towards them and I sincerely wished them another chance at being clean and building a good life.    Still, I did NOT invite them back into my life.  Nope.  Never.

 

[Seraphim]

I hope you are ok. 

[Kampuniform3]

Some mature thoughts on relationships:

- Other people-including your partner-are not responsible for ensuring your emotional equilibrium. It’s referred to as externalizing blame when you insist otherwise.

- Anosognosia is a function of mental health disorders. A person labouring under a mental health disorder is unaware of their psychological condition. By extension, they are unaware of how the condition is manifesting in their behaviour.

- If you enter a relationship with your baseline expectation set at perpetual thrice-blessed felicity, your relational life is going to resemble being eternally trapped on a möbius strip, looking for a end point that doesn’t exist…and then whinging in places like these when realty adamantly refuses to yield to your demands.
 

- Dichotomous reasoning heralds the arrival of the Gottman Four Horsemen. Life, the universe, and everything else isn’t separated into all or nothing categories.

- Emotions are relatively meaningless. Life as an adult requires us to renounce our instinctual and emotional responses in order for civilization to survive and prosper. This rule applies to relationships as well. 
 

- Your partner isn’t responsible for your happiness. They’re not a sideshow attraction, or an amusement park ride. They’re flesh and blood, flawed, tortured,  exhausted, confused, prone to error, and just as bewildered by life as you.
 

 

[Cherylyn]

It's good that you ended it.  He had too much baggage.  You would always be competing with his depression in order to have a relationship with him. 

Every single time he makes a mistake,  he blames it on his depression which is valid and at the same time,  it's a convenient excuse as opposed to taking accountability.

Canceling your birthday due to depression,  spoke for only 5 minutes a day and didn't meet for 3 - 4 weeks straight because he preferred to play video games and he was depressed.  He's distant because he's depressed and didn't contact you once during vacation. 

He apologized only for you to know that another blip is bound to happen at any given time.  ☹️

I've been married for years.  To answer your question regarding how forgiveness is possible,  it depends on the offense.  My husband and I do talk,  we don't forget and we don't just live with it unlike how some local relatives and in-laws are.  😠  Generally,  our mistakes in my marriage are relatively minor,  thank goodness.  We admit,  sincerely apologize,  make amends and move forward.  All is well because we address it and fix it.  We never ignore which is the worst.   

"Fortunately,"  major offenses were actually committed by local relatives and in-laws much to my chagrin. 😠  Due to experience with them,  I no longer confront them because why bother?  Typical reactions are gaslighting so I no longer engage.  I simply take the easiest passive aggressive route by avoiding them.  Our social gatherings went from several times every month throughout the year for many years to seeing them as acquaintances 3 to 4 times a year at the most which is a tremendous relief.  I enforce strict,  healthy boundaries.  We decline a lot which saves us.  👍 🤗

Forgive doesn't mean forget and forgive includes new enforced boundaries.  I don't care what other people do as long as I'm not with them and if I'm with them very seldom,  I ensure my safety by protecting myself at all costs.  Ever since I've instituted these new rules of mine,  no one harms me.  Amazing.  👍 😋

[ShySoul]

No one is beyond help. I hope he can find peace in his life and a way to reach a better place, dealing with whatever issues are plaguing him.

Please take care of yourself and realize this isn't about you. You did what you could and tried your best, which is all any of us can do. You deserve a safe and loving environment, and I hope you can find that.

[sweetlady]

It depends what he done and forgiving him.

Like does he keep doing it still.

[Jaunty]

On 9/6/2024 at 2:38 PM, Kampuniform3 said:

 

- If you enter a relationship with your baseline expectation set at perpetual thrice-blessed felicity, your relational life is going to resemble being eternally trapped on a möbius strip, looking for a end point that doesn’t exist…and then whinging in places like these when realty adamantly refuses to yield to your demands.

What is that?  The bolded?  A person that expects a relationship to just make them feel happy?