Problems with home balance

[Redmerlebaby]

My girlfriend and I have been having a hard go ever since I started my own business.

Previously I worked a regular full time job, we split our bills, and household tasks. I probably did a little more of everything back when I had the energy.

Now I'm working 60-80 hrs a week most weeks, and wearing a lot of hats while I train people and position the business to expand. By the time I get home I'm pretty tired and then do admin stuff.

I do most of the cooking, but can't help much with the housework now. I just am so low on bandwidth.

My girlfriend works 15 hrs per week at a small natural grocer, and I feel like it's reasonable that she deal with the housework and I can just do household stuff when I want, and when it's time to fix/build stuff.

She regularly gets upset about how I don't do anything for her, and how **just** paying the bills isn't enough for her, and that it doesn't always feel like we're dating.

We do a dinner date at least twice a month, I help her with any problems she has, I cook dinner for her mom, grandmother, and Uncle every week, on her last birthday I spent hours making shrimp enchiladas and side dishes, for the previous one I bought her an espresso machine as she was getting interested in it after becoming a barista.

I feel like I make her life so much easier, but she is unhappy doing the same for me in the ways that she can.

I feel like part of it is that she's never had to pay her own way in life, and doesn't realize the value I give to her life.

How do I make this click in her head??

[Batya33]

On 9/2/2024 at 1:55 PM, Redmerlebaby said:

We do a dinner date at least twice a month, I help her with any problems she has, I cook dinner for her mom, grandmother, and Uncle every week, on her last birthday I spent hours making shrimp enchiladas and side dishes, for the previous one I bought her an espresso machine as she was getting interested in it after becoming a barista.

What do you mean "any problem she has" -what problems? She says you're not helping enough.  It's lovely to buy her fancy gifts and make fancy meals but day to day that's not going to make up for what she sees as an unfair balance of labor. Why does she only work 15 hours a week? Why does she have to recognize what "value" you give to her life -why can't she simply value you as someone who enhances her value-filled life.

It sounds like an imbalance here- you have a strong work ethic and work hard (I had a very similar schedule for my 15 years of full time work in my second career) and you picked someone who you view as lazy/not having a good work ethic.  What made you think this could work and why are you trying to make up for daily routines/daily life with grand gestures?

[Cherylyn]

The only way you can make it click in her head is when you're no longer with her.  Then perhaps she'll think long and hard about why this relationship is incompatible and not sustainable.  Either she steps up or you step out.  🤨

[shouldhavelearned]

Communication 

[The Shark101]

On 9/3/2024 at 3:25 AM, Redmerlebaby said:
How do I make this click in her head??
You Don't!.
Don't compromise your goals and purpose in your life for anyone. If she can't support you in your quest for greatness, she should go. 

It's not for nothing they say, "Behind every successful man, there's a great woman." Obviously, she is not this one. If at all, she'll hold you back. Find you a better girl.

[The Shark101]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She says you're not helping enough

He's working 60+80 h a week building his business, paying all the bills, cook ,  while she's working 15h a week, and she's complaining? 

I'll dump her long ago if I was him. 

[SophiaG]

OP said they split bills and household tasks.

Now that he's working longer hours so he expects gf to do more at home. Does he pay all the bills now? Did gf demand that he works 60-80 hours?

If he's busy chasing his own dream and building his own business the gf can certainly feel dissatisfied for the lack of quality time and support. It simply means they are no longer compatible. She doesn't have to turn into a housemaid for him to become a successful man.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

He's working 60+80 h a week building his business, paying all the bills, cook ,  while she's working 15h a week, and she's complaining? 

I'll dump her long ago if I was him. 

You quoted me out of context . 

[TeeDee]

On 9/2/2024 at 1:55 PM, Redmerlebaby said:

How do I make this click in her head??

You don't.  She's a taker not a giver.  

If you are working your butt off & paying the bills but she only works 15 hours per week she needs to step up.  If she doesn't you need to take a long, hard look at what you mean to her.   She may only see you as a meal ticket.

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/2/2024 at 1:55 PM, Redmerlebaby said:

**just** paying the bills isn't enough for her, and that it doesn't always feel like we're dating.

So what if you cook?  She's not your maid.   If she were out of the picture, you'd still need to do all your own housework, or hire someone.  She's not your wife.  You can break up with her tomorrow, and she'd reap zero benefits of playing house with you without a ring on it.  She is asking you to make her a priority, but instead, you look at her as a mooch.

It's one thing if you were married, and saving for life goals. It's another to just be dating, and barely make time to date.

She values time.  You do not value time with her.

[Coily]

Your GF has a very shallow sense of what building your own business is about. She is focused on what you do for her, not what you are building. She sees your business in very limited ways, to her, you just go to work. It's like nothing has changed in her mind. But for you; everything is different, you have the weight of everything on your shoulders.

You picked a difficult road, and if she can't see that; then she may be to selfish to be with.

 

[ShySoul]

How much have you really talked to her about it? Have you had a calm, adult conversation with each person explaining their view? Have you taken the time to listen to each other and tried to understand things from each other's perspective?

You need to work out what each of your expectations are from the other. Express why you feel you need that from them. Then express why you may not be able to do certain things. Finally, come to a compromise. Agree to each do things that are most important to the other, and to not hold other things against them. That's being a mature couple who works together through their issues.

If either of you are unable to do this, then you've come to an impasse that you may not be able to cross. 

[Batya33]

On 10/1/2024 at 1:11 PM, Coily said:

Your GF has a very shallow sense of what building your own business is about. She is focused on what you do for her, not what you are building. She sees your business in very limited ways, to her, you just go to work. It's like nothing has changed in her mind. But for you; everything is different, you have the weight of everything on your shoulders.

You picked a difficult road, and if she can't see that; then she may be to selfish to be with.

 

I've never built a business. I have done business development and I have worked with entrepreneurs and have great admiration for many -sometimes awe! The way I see it -very often it's akin to giving birth/raising a child.  Perhaps putting it that way without of course trivializing parenting.  My husband for his work has to do a lot of networking a lot of stuff one would think is not "work" or he should not do because - just do your job -those people don't get at all what it's like to have a career that requires networking to maintain and grow.  Not all careers do -but most 9 to 5 jobs where the person isn't interested in promotions or more than typical raises - don't require this and the person leaves work at work.  Nothing at all wrong with that and for many there sure is a lot right with that. But that's not the OP.

[smackie9]

You lacked the communication/serious discussions with her about this business adventure, not giving her any indication of how it's going to affect your lives.

Now she barely sees you or has any quality time together. She's just there sharing the bills, and now you expect her to pickup the slack for you. She didn't sign up for this.

I say Just talk to her. Talk bout expectations...if you both have different expectations then this relationship has ran it's course. Maybe she needs to find her own way out of this relationship and find someone whos more available. 

My husband runs a business for the last 4 years. He works a lot or hours/weekends/works late and has to do 2 hours of scheduling every night. But the difference is we have been together for over 34 years, and retirement is 5 years away. It's $HITTY but I know in the end we will benefit from all his hard work. If we were only together for a couple of years, I would be long gone. 

[Coily]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I've never built a business. I have done business development and I have worked with entrepreneurs and have great admiration for many -sometimes awe! The way I see it -very often it's akin to giving birth/raising a child.  Perhaps putting it that way without of course trivializing parenting.  My husband for his work has to do a lot of networking a lot of stuff one would think is not "work" or he should not do because - just do your job -those people don't get at all what it's like to have a career that requires networking to maintain and grow.  Not all careers do -but most 9 to 5 jobs where the person isn't interested in promotions or more than typical raises - don't require this and the person leaves work at work.  Nothing at all wrong with that and for many there sure is a lot right with that. But that's not the OP.

I have my own business,  spent 20 years on it; let me tell ya the first 5 years it's nearly 24/7. Unless it's selling lemonade as a kid; it can be all devouring for time. "Vacation" is often making sure all the employees are taken care of, and protected from some silly demand of a customer (I mostly did B2B with mostly international companies, so no retail experience), so i could take a break for a day or two.

So I know pretty well what the OP is going through.

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

I have my own business,  spent 20 years on it; let me tell ya the first 5 years it's nearly 24/7. Unless it's selling lemonade as a kid; it can be all devouring for time. "Vacation" is often making sure all the employees are taken care of, and protected from some silly demand of a customer (I mostly did B2B with mostly international companies, so no retail experience), so i could take a break for a day or two.

So I know pretty well what the OP is going through.

 

My full time work - 15 years -was like that and had entrepreneurial aspects in the last 6 years which involved intense business development on my part - plus managing people.  Wildly unpredictable hours, nights weekends no vacays. Obviously I didn't hire/fire/take care of employees to the extent you did but I can relate in that way.  My friend's son-in-law in in the thick of all you are describing -he is 30 and a father of 3 young kids.  His wife has to -has to -hold down the fort most of the time.  And -she does.

[tattoobunnie]

I've been running a small business since 2003, and started another business in 2005. I still had time to date, get married, have kids, and am still raising them while volunteering.

You assume you believe you can treat your girlfriend like hired help - You cannot and should not.  For balance, you cannot stay on one side for too long.  No one also laid on their death bed wishing they had done more spread sheets.  If you plan to marry her and have a family with her, she needs to be a priority too.  Which means, wash your own darn clothes, pick up after yourself without being asked, and keep going on dates.  Sorry pail, you've never put a ring on it - you can't expect her to look at the big picture like your spouse. You are making sacrifices - but not for her.