Am I still important to my wife?

[ShySoul]

The problem is that you are not a stranger, you are someone with an emotional investment in the situation. It's easy for outsiders to sit back and say, based upon at best circumstantial evidence, that this woman is no good and only using you. And they may be right. But they have nothing to lose. You on the other hand do. Even if you would be eventually fine (and you would), there is still the devestation left from separating. There are the years of being together and loving her. There are all the memories made together. And at some point you did feel important. She didn't always make you feel this way, she wasn't always this person. There are some good things to her.

You have every right to be hurt and upset. You have every right to still want to believe you two can be together. I actually don't like the idea of psychiatrists and think they are generally a waste of time telling you what you already know. But in this case, I think it would be good for you. You need someone to talk to about this, someone more trained to deal with people in fragile emotional states. Someone who will guide you through the process of facing all the varied emotions you seem to be facing. And while there are good people online who want to help, we aren't professionals. 

It's easy to paint someone a villain or just tell you to divorce. It's a lot harder when you've seen the good in her. It's a lot harder to face the possibility of divorce, let alone go through with it. And it's a lot harder when you have to face the consequences of your choices each day. I feel bad you have to go through any of this.

Seek help and someone to talk to. Try to work through your own feelings and emotions so that when you are ready to decide what you want to do, you will make an informed decision that is right for you.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

She has been married several times before.

Shocker. 

This isn't a woman who values commitment. And she sure doesn't value you. At some point, you have got to put yourself first and look out for your own well-being. This marriage is completely dismantling it. 

[ShySoul]

6 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

She has been married several times before.  Should’ve been a red flag

What were the circumstances surrounding those marriages and divorce? 

My mother was married and divorced three times. One person was abusive, another an alcoholic, the third stole from her. None of that would be a red flag on her, it would be a red flag for them.

I knew a woman who got married too young and too quick. It was a mistake, not a red flag. Hey, people could have been widowed.

Being married previously isn't necesarily a bad thing. It could be. But think we should have more information on what actually happened in those relationships before we make a judgment about them.

[HappyHippie]

On 9/13/2024 at 11:25 PM, ShySoul said:

Don't make assumptions and decisions unless you are fully ready to do something. If there are doubts, sort through them. Also don't go off the words of strangers online with no training and who aren't even there to observe what is really happening. We haven't spoken with her, none of us can really know what she is doing or why. At this point, speaking to a professional is your best bet. They should hopefully be able to help you sort through the myriad of emotions going on inside you and help you see what is best for you.

How are you paid? It didn't sound like she reviewed the bank statements. I believe I have the option at my work to deposit into different accounts. Could you do the same? There has to be some time where you can get out and speak to someone from a bank. 

I really feel for you. You seem like a sweet, loving guy. You deserve a relationship that makes you feel happy and loved. I hope you can have that at some point.

I get paid monthly through social security.  I’m sure I could have some of it put away, or maybe when I get the chance to do my 2nd job alone I can somehow put some aside.

 

thanks very much.  Some days are so different, Saturday morning when we woke up, she snuggled up to me like she hasn’t in a long time, and said “your wife loves you.” 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, HappyHippie said:

Saturday morning when we woke up, she snuggled up to me like she hasn’t in a long time, and said “your wife loves you.” 

Fleeting moments can compensate for the overall crappy behaviour from her, in my opinion. 

Sure it feels good for a few minutes, but her overall poor treatment of you and disregard for your feelings tells the real story. 

[HappyHippie]

On 9/14/2024 at 1:33 AM, ShySoul said:

What were the circumstances surrounding those marriages and divorce? 

My mother was married and divorced three times. One person was abusive, another an alcoholic, the third stole from her. None of that would be a red flag on her, it would be a red flag for them.

I knew a woman who got married too young and too quick. It was a mistake, not a red flag. Hey, people could have been widowed.

Being married previously isn't necesarily a bad thing. It could be. But think we should have more information on what actually happened in those relationships before we make a judgment about them.

Her first was due to cheating and an open marriage issue, second was abuse, and 3rd just kinda disappeared when she got diagnosed with a certain health issue.

 

 

[HappyHippie]

On 9/14/2024 at 12:50 AM, ShySoul said:

The problem is that you are not a stranger, you are someone with an emotional investment in the situation. It's easy for outsiders to sit back and say, based upon at best circumstantial evidence, that this woman is no good and only using you. And they may be right. But they have nothing to lose. You on the other hand do. Even if you would be eventually fine (and you would), there is still the devestation left from separating. There are the years of being together and loving her. There are all the memories made together. And at some point you did feel important. She didn't always make you feel this way, she wasn't always this person. There are some good things to her.

You have every right to be hurt and upset. You have every right to still want to believe you two can be together. I actually don't like the idea of psychiatrists and think they are generally a waste of time telling you what you already know. But in this case, I think it would be good for you. You need someone to talk to about this, someone more trained to deal with people in fragile emotional states. Someone who will guide you through the process of facing all the varied emotions you seem to be facing. And while there are good people online who want to help, we aren't professionals. 

It's easy to paint someone a villain or just tell you to divorce. It's a lot harder when you've seen the good in her. It's a lot harder to face the possibility of divorce, let alone go through with it. And it's a lot harder when you have to face the consequences of your choices each day. I feel bad you have to go through any of this.

Seek help and someone to talk to. Try to work through your own feelings and emotions so that when you are ready to decide what you want to do, you will make an informed decision that is right for you.

Thank you.  I already want to see a psychiatrist for my “sensitivity” or emotions, so it would probably be wise to see one in my situation rn.  

[The Shark101]

On 9/2/2024 at 3:02 PM, HappyHippie said:
Am I wrong for feeling she cares less about me now?  I feel things were different before 

You were wrong to marry her.
But seeing the way you talking, you F**ed. 

Edit: now, after reading some of your comments - if you don't have kids, divorce her. She's not a relationship material. 

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Fleeting moments can compensate for the overall crappy behaviour from her, in my opinion. 

I've just re-read this, and obviousy I meant can't compensate. 

[HappyHippie]

7 hours ago, The Shark101 said:

On 9/2/2024 at 3:02 PM, HappyHippie said:
Am I wrong for feeling she cares less about me now?  I feel things were different before 

You were wrong to marry her.
But seeing the way you talking, you F**ed. 

Edit: now, after reading some of your comments - if you don't have kids, divorce her. She's not a relationship material. 

We don’t have kids between us, no, but she has 2 and I have 1.  Our kids have already bonded tho.  

[HappyHippie]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I've just re-read this, and obviousy I meant can't compensate. 

You’re definitely right about that honestly, I think I am just a huge sucker for the good moments.

[lostandhurt]

I am all for grace and understanding but I have no idea how anyone could view what you have written here as marital discord or a bump in the road in a marriage.  She is doing what she has done in the past and up until now you have tolerated it for some reason.  Counseling will not fix this, date nights will not fix this and talking to her only gets you threats of divorce.  You need to get away from her as fast as possible and in the mean time do not get her pregnant!

 The kids will be just fine so don't worry about them.  I am sure your child wants you to be happy so they won't mind when you finally have had enough and divorce her.

 I am curious how did you find out about her past marriages and how they ended?  Did she tell you?  If so I would guess her version isn't what really happened.

  Time to step back and take a good hard look at your life.  Is this what you imagined when you married her?  Do you see it ever getting better?  As I see it she has told you "My way or the highway"

 The next time she threatens divorce take her up on it.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

16 hours ago, HappyHippie said:

I am just a huge sucker for the good moments.

It's the sign that your marriage is already deeply broken (in my opinion, beyond repair) 

When you are clinging on to faint glimmers of light in an otherwise dark and dank cave, well, the writing is on the well whether or not you're ready to read it yet. 

I would strongly advise you prepare for this marriage to end. And my guess is that she will be the one who pulls the plug when she lines up your replacement. 

[HappyHippie]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's the sign that your marriage is already deeply broken (in my opinion, beyond repair) 

When you are clinging on to faint glimmers of light in an otherwise dark and dank cave, well, the writing is on the well whether or not you're ready to read it yet. 

I would strongly advise you prepare for this marriage to end. And my guess is that she will be the one who pulls the plug when she lines up your replacement. 

I’m definitely preparing myself emotionally, although I still cling on the hope that it will change. 
 

its so hard to let it go.. I still have strong feelings even when things are crap.  I just wish we still felt the same about each other.. I never ever lost any of it.. even in all the *** I still love her just as strongly.  I wish that it meant something to her, so badly.

[HappyHippie]

Yesterday was pretty big deal.  
 

I stood up for myself a bit.  We went on a walk.  We had been arguing.  I think the real issue she is having is someone with my relationship with my mother, and she’s going into another “need a new car stage.”  And I am very against it and it makes her angry.

we all live together.  We got a house together to make for more space.  About a month ago she was in an awful mood, someone had been stirring the pot so to speak and got her angry.  She sends a passive aggressive text message, and my mother comes to ask what the issue is, and my wife immediately starts yelling.  My mom said are you yelling?  I’m not dealing with this, bye.  And then mumbled ***.  So they are in this constant pissing match.  I had to get a ride from my mother yesterday, and something was offered and she is so mad.  She thinks that I should be mean to her essentially and that I should be “on her side.”  But I don’t want sides.  I want peace.  I can’t live in this, and I don’t think my family can take it either.

 

while on the walk she said “you ruined me,” some other hurtful things and then said “you sucked a part of my soul out.”  I immediately start crying.  In the middle of the road.  I almost yell- I said if your life is so bad I’m not making you stay.  GO.

 

i turn around and walk back towards the house? And I hear her muttering and saying “*** you” “you are just as bad as the rest of them, you don’t love me”.  And I turned and said, that’s not the case at all, i want to be with you so bad, but i am NOT making you stay against your will.  You are free to go.  I don’t want you gone, but I am NOT forcing you to stay.  
 

then she says “then act like it? And hugs me”. Says some sweet things.  And then we continue the walk, and she brings the issues up again.  It took me not being able to speak without sputtering tears and snot everywhere in the store for her to console and apologize to me.  But let me know at the same time that’s it’s still my fault and I do all these horrible things.

 

she said I ignored her because I’m not constantly being mean/mad about my mom situation.  Says I don’t care, and don’t listen, and do t pay attention.  
 

im just thinking in my head that if I wasn’t walking on eggshells, she would probably easily see how much I think and care for her…

[MissCanuck]

How much more misery are you going to endure before you realize this marriage is over? 

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, HappyHippie said:

im just thinking in my head that if I wasn’t walking on eggshells, she would probably easily see how much I think and care for her…

You keep taking the blame because if it is your fault it is fixable.  She treats you horribly and has beaten you down to the point you think abuse is all you deserve.

  You are a victim of a manipulative woman plain and simple.  She isn't going to change, she is just going to find a new victim.

 I am sorry but this is not a marriage, it is a prison sentence.  Time to break out of prison.

Lost

[smackie9]

This is what an abuser does.....pushes your buttons so hard to break you down emotionally...and that is what she just did. An why? to feel that she's in control. You break down and then she rewards you with hugs. That's some toxic S^&%. Passive/aggressive S%^#. 

[ShySoul]

On 9/19/2024 at 5:42 AM, HappyHippie said:

And I hear her muttering and saying “*** you” “you are just as bad as the rest of them, you don’t love me”.

Hurt people hurt people.

There is another post on here about the cycle of abuse. She has been hurt and abused in her past. She has learned that relationships are pain and that is how you interact with people. So she becomes the very thing she doesn't like. She repeats the hurt that she has been shown by others and unfairly lashes out at you. And because you love her, you are caught in the middle.

I'm certainly going to be the only one to say this. But a person like this needs love more. Giving up on her is only going to reinforce her bad habits. It's going to prove every negative thought she has and cause her to simply repeat the problems with someone else. It will hurt her, it will hurt the next person, and it will hurt you as you will question what you could have done and feel bad for leaving her.

It's a cycle. You can be the one to help her end the cycle, if you believe it's possible and if she believes it's possible. And the two of you are the only ones who know the real situation and all the ins and outs of it.

On 9/19/2024 at 5:42 AM, HappyHippie said:

And I turned and said, that’s not the case at all, i want to be with you so bad, but i am NOT making you stay against your will.  You are free to go.  I don’t want you gone, but I am NOT forcing you to stay

You stood up to her and said the right thing. And she did apologize. 

She needs more help then you can provide. But your support can also be vital. Stand your ground and don't accept blame if it's not your fault. But see that she is every bit the victim as you are. You're just the good guy who has been tasked with picking up the pieces.

In my experience, being the one who stays and helps a person who behaves in an erractic manner or does things that are troubling is difficult. Most don't have the heart or patience for it. Most will say run and blame the other, throwing all kinds of labels on them. But if you can reach them and they can put in the effort themselves, it's an immensley rewarding experience.

Do what you feel is best for you. Hope things improve.