Why do women/people in general only remember the bad *** about a date?

[Batya33]

On 9/3/2024 at 3:48 PM, cooldude123 said:

Sorry, what do you mean the mental health issue in the present would have been ok? My ex wasn't sexually assaulted. She asked me what was the issue during college and I told her. At first I said "This is really personal, but.." and then she said I don't need to tell her and I agreed. But then I thought "I should trust her" and told her. Which was a mistake.

Sorry to hear your dad had BPD. Was he in therapy and on meds? I'm in therapy and on meds. My BPD manifests in just feeling anxious about relationships and having a fear of abandonment. I thought she would understand the abandonment because she was abandoned by her mom. I am not your typical BPD case, I don't give people trouble even though things are chaotic on the inside.

But she wouldn't know that at all or know you well enough to know how to interpret your symptoms.  My dad complied with therapy, meds and some hospitalizations. My mom was his hero.  He had a successful career for about 50 years.

Do you know why you gave into the temptation to overshare? 

[yogacat]

I know many people want to dive in on a first date and connect on a deeper level, but connecting with others generally takes time and trust. It's like if I was on a first date and he told me how he almost drowned as a child, I can relate to that because I almost drowned as a child, but now we are talking about deep topics, and I barely know him.

Know what I mean?

Part of the fun of dating is unraveling those layers of a person as time goes on and you develop trust and intimacy. Sure, some people want instant intimacy and connection, and that's cool if everyone is on the same page, but it doesn't seem like she's on that page right now. 

Delve into her and see what she shares. Be curious and interested in her, ask questions, and let it unfold slowly with mutual sharing. If it's meant to be, absolutely the coast will be clear more often for rest and personal stuff. If it's not meant to be... well, it happens.

[tattoobunnie]

On 9/1/2024 at 11:42 PM, cooldude123 said:

She's still texting me, just not nearly as often as she used to and not nearly as long.

It is always advised to women to not appear thirsty, especially with constant contact.  When is your next date? Call her (don't text her), and ask her on a 2nd date. 

[cooldude123]

23 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she wouldn't know that at all or know you well enough to know how to interpret your symptoms.  My dad complied with therapy, meds and some hospitalizations. My mom was his hero.  He had a successful career for about 50 years.

Do you know why you gave into the temptation to overshare? 

I wanted to trust her so I told her. I wanted her to feel like I trusted her

[cooldude123]

6 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

It is always advised to women to not appear thirsty, especially with constant contact.  When is your next date? Call her (don't text her), and ask her on a 2nd date. 

I've asked her on a second date so I'm just waiting for her to get back to me. I would call but didn't see your comment until after I already asked her over text

[cooldude123]

22 hours ago, yogacat said:

I know many people want to dive in on a first date and connect on a deeper level, but connecting with others generally takes time and trust. It's like if I was on a first date and he told me how he almost drowned as a child, I can relate to that because I almost drowned as a child, but now we are talking about deep topics, and I barely know him.

Know what I mean?

Part of the fun of dating is unraveling those layers of a person as time goes on and you develop trust and intimacy. Sure, some people want instant intimacy and connection, and that's cool if everyone is on the same page, but it doesn't seem like she's on that page right now. 

Delve into her and see what she shares. Be curious and interested in her, ask questions, and let it unfold slowly with mutual sharing. If it's meant to be, absolutely the coast will be clear more often for rest and personal stuff. If it's not meant to be... well, it happens.

I can appreciate that. I would love to get to know her better over time.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, cooldude123 said:

I can appreciate that. I would love to get to know her better over time.

Of course, share if that's what you feel like doing.

Most of us don't go into dates rehearsed so conversation is going to be a natural flow of thoughts which, well, sometimes leads to vulnerable stories. Sometimes the other person needs time to warm up to you first. 

I know you've since asked her on a second date.

It read initially that you didn't ask her out for a second date during the week following date one? Something about dealing with your car and that you were in an accident? So, maybe she assumed you were going to be busy sorting that out.

Hope you're okay following the accident (btw).

In any case, sounds like you took the plunge and asked her on a second date. Hopefully you get a response soon!

[ShySoul]

On 9/3/2024 at 10:26 AM, cooldude123 said:

I would call her but I don't really feel like I am on calling terms with her yet. She may get spooked if I give her a call. Or that could just be my anxiety talking and it could go really well. I don't know.

You never know unless you try. I've generally found people don't make a big deal over it. The ones I've called have liked it. 

Something is generally better then nothing. If one method isn't get a result, trying something else can often be a good idea.

6 hours ago, cooldude123 said:

I wanted to trust her so I told her. I wanted her to feel like I trusted her

People always say to keep it light and fun at first, to not get serious. They worry about oversharing and saying to much. Don't listen.

Go at your pace and with how the conversation is flowing. Don't think about if you should say something, be fully in the moment and go where things take you. If the conversation leads you to revealing something about yourself, that's fine. If the conversation veers to more silly areas, have fun with that. Point is to get to know each other, in any and every way possible.

Early conversations I've had with people have ranged from musical tastes and movies to religion or dealing with alcoholics/drug users. Conversations can be about anything, as long as the two of you are enjoying it.

Hope you get that second date and things go well.

[cooldude123]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

Of course, share if that's what you feel like doing.

Most of us don't go into dates rehearsed so conversation is going to be a natural flow of thoughts which, well, sometimes leads to vulnerable stories. Sometimes the other person needs time to warm up to you first. 

I know you've since asked her on a second date.

It read initially that you didn't ask her out for a second date during the week following date one? Something about dealing with your car and that you were in an accident? So, maybe she assumed you were going to be busy sorting that out.

Hope you're okay following the accident (btw).

In any case, sounds like you took the plunge and asked her on a second date. Hopefully you get a response soon!

She dumped me for another guy

[cooldude123]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

You never know unless you try. I've generally found people don't make a big deal over it. The ones I've called have liked it. 

Something is generally better then nothing. If one method isn't get a result, trying something else can often be a good idea.

People always say to keep it light and fun at first, to not get serious. They worry about oversharing and saying to much. Don't listen.

Go at your pace and with how the conversation is flowing. Don't think about if you should say something, be fully in the moment and go where things take you. If the conversation leads you to revealing something about yourself, that's fine. If the conversation veers to more silly areas, have fun with that. Point is to get to know each other, in any and every way possible.

Early conversations I've had with people have ranged from musical tastes and movies to religion or dealing with alcoholics/drug users. Conversations can be about anything, as long as the two of you are enjoying it.

Hope you get that second date and things go well.

She dumped me for another guy. But thank you for the great advice you've given

[yogacat]

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

People always say to keep it light and fun at first, to not get serious. They worry about oversharing and saying to much. Don't listen.

Go at your pace and with how the conversation is flowing. Don't think about if you should say something, be fully in the moment and go where things take you. If the conversation leads you to revealing something about yourself, that's fine. If the conversation veers to more silly areas, have fun with that. Point is to get to know each other, in any and every way possible.

I think a lot of us can have an impulse to share personal details. It isn't so much about keeping it light and fun. Being present and attentive is also key. Oversharing too soon can overwhelm and can create a premature intimacy.

But I too get how first dates can be nerve-wracking, so sometimes people can overshare in a bid to fill the silence or create a connection... If that's the case (not saying that's the case here...just in general), you're not really being present because you're 2nd guessing and thinking ahead to what else you can reveal about yourself or your life to build the connection, rather than just letting the connection happen, or not.

@cooldude123

I understand you felt comfortable with her to share and wanted to be yourself and gain trust. Maybe she found herself overwhelmed. Maybe she was already talking to this other person. But her choosing someone else doesn't mean that part of the date alone is why. It's not fair to assume that. She may have felt a stronger connection or chemistry with him. 

Maybe part of the reason you overshared was because you were nervous and a bit anxious. So you wanted to create a connection or find out if you two were compatible. It seems like she was relating more to discussion about costco or the fun date at Meow Wolf or Michelin-rated sushi restaurant. Seek to be understood, find connections and with time you will learn what personal details to hold back, when to practice emotional intelligence and judgement, and when is the right time to share personal things.

You're young, though at any age it can be hit-or-miss with dating. Part of compatibility is knowing who the partner is, and how there is empathy. You are right that it sounds like she may not be able to understand you on a level that is okay for you. And, that is also okay for her--it doesn't mean there's something inherently wrong with you. Being true to yourself and taking care of yourself is always important, and helps to bring those to you who really help facilitate emotional development of a partnership.

I hope this experience helps you to learn more about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner. Trust yourself and your instincts, and know that everyone you meet has something to teach you--even those who are not meant to be your long-term partner.

Take care and be good to yourself. 🙂

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, cooldude123 said:

She dumped me for another guy

But didn't  you only go out once - her choosing to date someone else instead likely has nothing to do with you