What Should I Make Of This??

[mr sad]

heres the 4-1-1. a girl and i were involved about a year back now, we werent officially together but we were quite close. things went south, i got cut etc.

 

only now i hear that around the time we were involved that she was getting around (not in a sexual sense but more of one night of pashing then dashing, she did this with almost all the guys in my workplace).

 

she was a good friend, i thought less of her after things went south, i think even less of her now after hearing about these events.

 

I know these events happened months ago, but it still cut me up inside hearing about it. I know im not totally over her ... there is a part of me that will always love her.

 

Is it wrong of me to think less of her? I know I dont sound like a good friend to her but she hurt me more then anyone ever has

[darkblue]

we werent officially together but we were quite close

 

How were yous involved? sexually?

 

Are you still friends with her now?

 

You shouldn't feel bad about her 'getting around'

 

For one; yous weren't 'officially together'.

 

Two; She wasn't seeing these other guys in a sexual way.

 

Three; Yous have now lost contact. Get up, Move on.

 

Darkblue

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.

Henry Van Dy-ke

[mr sad]

we were involved in a way that we would be in continual contact, every day i would call her or vice versa.

 

well we rarely see each other, we rarely talk.

 

i do feel bad about her 'getting around' in that sense at it was around the time of this continual contact

 

true, she wasnt sexual with them.

 

three: we work together. so when i do see her its extremely ackward. and still calls me pet names (which is like a kick in the face)

 

im just so disillusioned, i had this picture of her being this perfect person and now i hear about this. i really dont know what to think about her, there could be more and she could have been sexual for all i know.

[darkblue]

Don't think about it.

 

You have two ways around this.

 

1. Talk it through with her, get to a place where both of yous are comfortable.

 

2. (i've never recommended this before) NC, don't contact her and try and avoid her.

 

You're just gona get yourself down if you continue thinking about 'what could have happened', or reminiscing of the past.

 

You're still young, You're Twenty years old. You've got so many more mistakes to make. So go make them!

 

This was one girl that showed you 'don't judge a book by it's cover'.

 

Learn, Grow, Don't make the same mistake twice.

 

Darkblue

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'

Erich Fromm

[mr sad]

i know i should get over her.

 

i couldnt possibly do #1. It would be embarrasing for both of us, she may even brush it off and say that it never happened.

 

 

Its hard to do #2. If when i see her i keep to myself and she will ask whats wrong and wont stop until i make some phony excuse.

 

She says im one of her best friends, yet she complains that i dont keep in touch with her, i would feel bad if i told her that i didnt want to keep in touch. She totally forgot my birthday as well, i dont know what to do

[darkblue]

I don't wanna sound out of order here

 

But are you depressed?

 

I can kinda pick up on something here.

 

If you're not, sorry lol

 

I really do think, if yous are good friends, you should be able to talk to her, Do you not?

 

how do you think she would react?

 

If it is making you this upset and distraught, you really have to do something, it won't go away.

 

Darkblue

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

[mr sad]

its possible, i keep my distance from psychologists and psychiatrists.

 

dont apologise, im not going to get angry.

 

if assuming your reasoning is valid then i would come to the conclusion: no i cant talk to her about it, we arent good friends.

 

i would be highly embarrased. she would probably say a few words smile then probably change the subject, worse case scenario she would laugh in my face.

 

Well it did kinda go away. I hadnt talked to her in a month things were going great and NC was good, but this all came back because a few friends brought it up.

Shes overseas at the moment so i dont have to worry about running into her for a few months.

[darkblue]

While she's away, at least, you don't have to think about it.

 

and at 20 years old, you should be enjoying this time. Don't get too down about all of this. You've got many happy.. and not so happy years of relationships ahead of you.

 

I believe in Karma though, What goes up, must come down, What goes around comes around, If you have love, let it go, if it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to be.

 

and I could kinda tell from your posts and the fact that while 'down' [let's not use the word depressed coz i don't believe in it] Things are emphasized.

 

Live each day with a clear head/conscience and look forward.

 

Darkblue

 

_____________________________________________________________

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'

Erich Fromm

[annie24]

So, a girl that you weren't official with went out and hung out with a lot of guys. And suddenly she's not the perfect woman anymore? How can any girl live up to impossibly high standards such as those. Sure, if you two were an official couple, and she spent all this time with other men, that would be a sign that she wouldn't be good gf material. And plus, you said that things weren't even sexual between her and the other men. So what's the big deal? Her behavior, from what you've described, does not make her a woman of ill-repute.

 

I agree with Darkblue - I think you should talk to a counselor, to try to figure out why you feel this way.

[mr sad]

you dont seem to be very understanding for a moderator. my views are traditional yes i do admit that, yours seem to lean toward conventional and non distinctive. i posted looking for help, not be be judged.

 

if a guy was to do the same thing i would also look down on him, its not a gender related issue.

 

 

lets talk about "the perfect woman"

 

would the perfect woman forget your birthday?

would the perfect woman tell you she loves you then go off pashing another guy minutes later?

would the perfect girl act as tho she didnt know you in front of her friends?

 

perfection is not possible, i apologise for my previous choice of words.

 

 

So what's the big deal?

for starters at the time she had only just turned 18 and the age of the guys varied from 24 - 29.

 

dark blue was not pro counselling by the way

[annie24]

I'm sorry that you saw what I said as harsh, but I am simply saying, if you are not in an official relationship with someone, you can't rationally expect them to not interact with the other sex. Why didn't you ask her to be your official gf?

 

for starters at the time she had only just turned 18 and the age of the guys varied from 24 - 29.

 

There is no problem. Everyone is a legal adult. When I was 18, I dated a 24 year old man.

 

Well, since you are a "traditional" type of man, now you know that this isn't the right girl for you, so you should find a girl who is right for you.

[mr sad]

its ok.

interaction with the other sex is fine, but to me a kiss means something. its not some meaningless thing 2 people do when theyre drunk out of their heads. and the quantity of times it happened..

 

i didnt ask her because i couldnt believe that a girl as sweet as her could seriously be interested in someone like me. if you didnt notice i lack self confidence

[lusitana]

My advice to you would be to stop letting her draw emotions out of you. Repair your armour. Always be pleasant to her so she never asks what's wrong. If she starts trying to talk about your relationship or starts calling you pet names, end the conversation or change the topic. From now on, as far as she knows your life is all sugar and gumdrops. As for your devastation over your goddess having clay feet, keep ruminating on her flaws. Eventually, they'll blend with your good memories instead of just clashing with them and you'll create a more realistic picture of what she's really like.

 

Eh, your feelings are your feelings. I've been in a similar place - a little over a year ago a was not-dating a guy from school, not going beyond hugging and sleeping in his bed once. There was a large emotional investment on my part, but I'm a stupid child that way. Things suddenly fell through. It's funny, I went through some stages of grief: denial for a month, anger (at myself) for about three, and then acceptance of the new order of things and realizing how lucky I was to have lost him. In hindsight, I saw a lot of things I didn't at the time. He'd only hang out with me if there was no one cooler to hang out with. If someone else called him, he'd abandon ship in the middle of whatever we were doing. He flirted shamelessly with my best friend. He was having one-night-stands left and right, both with women I know and women I don't.

 

I've been telling this story to one of my co-workers and he's just like, "Wow, this guy sounds like the biggest [jerk] on all possible levels." I think less of the guy now for two reasons:

1. He's empty inside. Literally everything he does is to groom his outward persona of coolness. Eighteen months ago, I couldn't see through that.

2. In retrospect, it's painfully clear that he was playing off my feelings for him to get a little action when there was no one else around (yes, he's capable of this - he's slept with girls he finds unattractive more than once in dry spells). He has little or no regard for me as a person.

 

You'd better believe I've stopped talking to him about anything that matters. We see each other pretty often but I limit the conversation to pleasant nonsense. Nothing's ever wrong, I'm never doing anything exciting. I'm not vindictive - I've kept all his secrets out of respect for the friendship we once had and I don't bash him to our mutual friends - but I don't see why I should give him fodder to put me down to his cooler friends with. It's the highest road I can take right now. Maybe I'm being immature and too idealistic, but I definitely don't need "friends" like this guy who are too busy looking cool to actually care about the people around him.

[annie24]

i didnt ask her because i couldnt believe that a girl as sweet as her could seriously be interested in someone like me. if you didnt notice i lack self confidence

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. If she spent all that time with you, she must have liked you on some level, at least as a friend...

[mr sad]

annie24

If she spent all that time with you, she must have liked you on some level, at least as a friend...

i feel even dumber because i couldnt distinguish from friends and more then friends.

as i mentioned before she is a work mate .... these other guys also work with us so its not like i can escape it completely.

 

 

 

lusitana

If she starts trying to talk about your relationship

i need not fear this, to her its as tho it never happened.

 

as far as she knows your life is all sugar and gumdrops

she can tell when im holding back, she knows me better then that and could see right through me. but yes, you are right about the choice of conversation ... distance her from the real me, i will try.

 

 

i thank you both for your input once again

- mr sad

[lusitana]

she knows me better then that and could see right through me

 

People only see what they want to see. If you put up a truly joyous front and she asks what's wrong, she's fishing Tarot style. If she's not trying to get back together with you (or is she? dun dun dunnn), then she's just being a brat by keeping you emotionally dependent on you. Break the cycle.

 

The thing you want most is your greatest illusion. That's something everyone would do well to remember, but we forget it every time we find something new. This girl will become a human being soon enough. Don't get angry and don't get melodramatic.

[mr sad]

If you put up a truly joyous front and she asks what's wrong, she's fishing Tarot style

that is true yes, we've known eachother for bout 3yrs now. i am a pessimistic type of person, again should i change this "front" she would ask whats gotten into me and why all the changes, hence creating more unwanted communication.

 

ive come to the conclusion that she really isnt that greata friend and that i should distance myself from her as much as possible.

i know its wrong and self centred to think only of myself so i always put others first. but its time for me to do whats good for me

 

she is currenltly overseas for a few months. what do u propose i do in these months without her around? how should i go about initiating changes to create this distance between us for when she returns?

 

 

"im just a bastard but at least i admit it, at least i admit it" - slipknot

 

- mr sad