GF Going to Concert with someone else when this was a concert we had planned.

[Carlos87]

Background (Always Important) Been with this girl for 4 years. Not a great start I came of a long term (15 year) relationship. 

Has been rocky and she definitely has some insecurity issues (I have contributed to them) I cheated on her and in moments where its been rocky it has been easy for me to just go out and have fun and or get numbers. I have recently (about a year now) made the decision to turn a page on this life of bachelor even when times are tough. I am trying to be better in the relationship bc I believe that I do find this woman to be amazing and I was just dealing with bad habits from what was allowed and what I found normal in my 15 year relationship. (Super secure woman in that relationship).

Any way we had a concert that was planned and she made me promise we would go. She made me promise bc we have been on and off (she breaks it off not me) when she looses her cool. I can honestly say that I feel that she looses her cool for *** that from my end is unreasonable. This particular time she had just come back from a trip with her mom and while she was away I had ensured that her apartment was clean so she would not have to deal with a dirty apartment upon her return and that she would have an easy start to her work day the following day. I also washed her car and fueled up her car to make sure again that she had an easy start upon her returning from a week vacation with her mom. I picked her up from the airport and dropped her off and all said and done I got home at 1:30 am and had a start of 6am for my own work. I had a really long day at work and was exhausted and upon me arriving to her apartment after work I saw her laying down and told her hey I dont feel so great I am going to lay down for a bit if thats ok. I told her we should order pizza instead of making dinner and she said no she didn't want pizza I could see she was getting upset that I came to her home to lay down. (I dont live with her). Then she expressed that her dog had gotten bitten at the dog sitter and asked if we had a dog cone in garage I said no and checked out the dog. Seeing the dog bleeding bc he was scratching I told her I will be back I am going to go get him a cone. She said we can order one and I expressed waiting for one for a day would not be wise since he was scratching it and opening the cut more. She then began to say that I always feel sick when around her or that I always have a headache etc etc. I responded with not true and she began on the yelling path. Things that were said ..... You are never sick for your kids, your family, or friends. You are always not feeling well when its my time. I tried to talk and she just began to be disrespectful form my end. I told her look I am putting me feeling tired and not well to go get something for you dog bc its the right thing long story short she kicked me out stating I was not prioritizing her and that she always feels she is in the back burner. She kept talking *** and I finally said shut the *** up already why are you behaving this way (Not the smartest but I felt i was being pushed and after the effort I had given to make her day easier I felt it was not ok for her to address me in that manner.) She ended up kicking me out and told me we were done which is her usual response and that my treatment to her was mediocre. I told her I didn't understand it and it was not fair. I reached out to her via text and told her that if there is anyone I should feel I can be weak with and vulnerable and let my guard down is with her. I cant afford to be sick for my kids (previous relationship) and I was giving her dog the same action as if those were my kids (She treats her dogs like her kids) and me putting my tiredness and not feeling well aside to ensure that things need to be done. Any way the concert we had planned now she is going with a male friend. Dont really have an issue with him and her going but I feel she is purposefully not going to this concert with me any more just to get to me. My point is I am frustrated with how she is now directing herself with me and I am not running away from what I have done in the past but I dont believe nothing justifies her treatment just like I have no excuses or justification for my wrong doing. 

So before knowing who she was going with I told her that if she went with anyone else and particularly with a guy that I would not be chasing her anymore and I would not be putting any more effort into the relationship. She just now communicated with me an said hey I want you to know that I am not going with any guy like that I am going with Joe (NOT REAL NAME OF COURSE) (which is her friend total ***ing looser but I like the guy) as if that was ok. Is it unreasonable on my end to stand my ground and keep the boundary that if she goes with anyone else I will stop putting in effort and wont be chasing her anymore? 

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, Carlos87 said:

So before knowing who she was going with I told her that if she went with anyone else and particularly with a guy that I would not be chasing her anymore and I would not be putting any more effort into the relationship.

Is that how you phrased it? Because that is a very different thing then what you wrote in the previous paragraph.

If your issue with her is that you feel disrespected and taken for granted, then that is what you should be saying. You should wait to have a reasonable, calm discussion that doesn't involve yelling and cursing at each other.

This comes off as an ultimatum given without a reason. You are making a demand upon her for something that has nothing to do with the actual problem. It's expecting her to do something because you said so or else you will punish her for it by quitting on the relationship. If she said the same thing to you, would you like that? Actually, isn't that similar to what you are upset with her for, expecting you to do all these things when she says to?

23 minutes ago, Carlos87 said:

. Is it unreasonable on my end to stand my ground and keep the boundary that if she goes with anyone else I will stop putting in effort and wont be chasing her anymore? 

You do realize you just spent a long paragraph talking about how horrible she is to you despite all the things you did for her, then phrased the question in such a manner as to make out that you are doing something smart to protect yourself (stand my ground / keep the boundary)? You're prepping people to give you the answer you want, that you are in the right.

Reality is neither of you are being very mature. She is making demands on you and losing your cool. You lose your cool right back and throw out an ultimatum. 

Maybe you should break up not because of a concert. Maybe a relationship that involved cheating, several off and on periods, and still contains what seems to be constant bickering simply isn't right or healthy for either of you? 

And maybe you should take time to just be with you and not in a relationship? Fifteen years with one person flowing into four years with another. Maybe some time to yourself would be for the best.

 

[Batya33]

I would see this as yet another example that this relationship isn't healthy.  I'm sorry you're frustrated and disappointed about the concert. No one should be chasing.  

[Cherylyn]

You cheated on her and even though your relationship resumed and with breakups included in between,  I doubt she ever forgot about your cheating. 

She's also a difficult person to get along with,  temperamental,  anything can be a hair trigger for her,  naturally you lose your temper and it's all downhill from there.  ☹️

Both of you are incompatible.  The real focus shouldn't be on the concert.  Your relationship is floundering.  It most likely will not endure long term. 

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, Carlos87 said:

Joe (NOT REAL NAME OF COURSE) (which is her friend total ***ing looser but I like the guy)

Nothing to do with the relationship, but this stood out to me as well. Why the need to refer to someone as a loser? How does that help anything or paint the picture better for us? Is that how you refer to people, with judgements and insults? Maybe that's something to consider, how you are treating people. And those kind of judgements may be creeping into this relationship, causing problems you don't even see. Throwing comments like that at a person who is already tempermental.... it's throwing a lighted match onto gasoline. 

Relationship doesn't sound healthy. Take time away to grow on your own and figure out what is needed for a real, positive relationship.

[yogacat]

Here's the thing, it is very, VERY hard for someone to get over being cheated on in a situation LIKE THIS, where someone cheats on them and then stays with them afterwards.  So I can see from her perspective why she has such a short temper and was so quick to end things (on some level she probably feels "stuck" in this relationship because of her feelings for you).  Plus it goes without saying that generally speaking it is much harder for people to forgive infidelity, and even if they tell you they are over it, a few months or a year down the line the resentment and betrayal can still show up in other areas of the relationship, like unrealistic expectations and quick anger that takes little to nothing to trigger.

Plus having been in a relationship for that long, it is very hard to untangle the fact that she might, on some level, be a bit attached to the idea of YOU, in general, and who YOU ended up being in this case.  The fact that you were secure in your previous and she was secure in yours probably doesn't help matters much, either.  It'd be one thing if you cheated early on in the relationship, but now we are more or less vested in each other (even if on a subconscious level she might not really feel okay knowing that).  It is very hard to un-know each other especially now at that length of time.  

You admit yourself that you contributed to her insecurity and the problems in the relationship, and that there have been rocky times when you found it easy to just go out and have fun and get numbers. This tells me that you are at the very least emotionally disconnected, and that you probably went out and partied to get back at her when she would "lose her cool." 

It honestly sounds like the two of you are stuck in a toxic cycle of hurting each other, and I can't see how that is ever going to change. It's constant testing and manipulation; resentment and grudges; sabotage and threats; unfulfilled expectations and animosity. It's just going to cause more pain and heartache in the long run. If both parties are not willing to put aside their egos and really work on themselves individually and the relationship together, it is time to call it quits and move on. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Here's the thing, it is very, VERY hard for someone to get over being cheated on in a situation LIKE THIS, where someone cheats on them and then stays with them afterwards.

Here’s the thing, that isnt an excuse for her to be a “Total B” to him. Especially when he literally cleaned her home, washed her car and refueled it and got her from airport and has even wanted to get a collar for the dog right away. 

OP shouldnt have cheated, that is for sure. But then she shouldt even be with him. Taking him back, but then treating him like a slave and throwing a hissy fit at a slight inconvenience, when he literally was most considerate man in the world, really isnt a solution. Break up and find somebody else. Which, to be fair to her she does, but she gets back to OP after. Its very unhealthy dynamic.

OP, yes you did made a mistake in the past. But even you deserve better than somebody treating you like trash after you did so much for them. Just stay separated. Let her go to concert with whoever she wants. And find somebody who will appreciate your efforts. Just dont cheat them too. 

[MissCanuck]

You are both foolish for staying in a toxic relationship, OP. 

It's time to smarten up, break up, and move on. 

[TeeDee]

This whole dysfunctional mess needs to be over.  Cheating.  Repeated break ups.  You two don't even sound like you like each other. 

Be done already 

[smackie9]

It's unreasonable of you to be staying in this toxic relationship. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree with other posters in terms of cheating.  Despite what some may say, I never believed a relationship could go on, and avoid becoming  a matter of turn the other cheek. In one way or another, it presents itself in many ways, (imo). You simply can't erase the past.

I understand this was not your question, but it's likely time to exit this relationship.

[lostandhurt]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

It honestly sounds like the two of you are stuck in a toxic cycle of hurting each other, and I can't see how that is ever going to change. It's constant testing and manipulation; resentment and grudges; sabotage and threats; unfulfilled expectations and animosity. It's just going to cause more pain and heartache in the long run. If both parties are not willing to put aside their egos and really work on themselves individually and the relationship together, it is time to call it quits and move on.

You don't want to hear this but unfortunately it is the truth and spot on.

  Sometimes the best of intentions, turning over a new leaf and wanting to be the person you should have been actually makes things worse.  I know that is counter intuitive but think about it.  You are now showing her who you can be after all this time and she is upset because she now knows it was within you all the time but you simply didn't care enough about her to make the effort.  It is like she is reliving all the bad stuff because of your change for the better.  

 A sincere apology from you and a simple question is what you need to do.  The apology is on you but the question should be:  Do you want to work together to get out of this vicious cycle (see above) and make OUR relationship loving, caring and respectful or do you want to end it and go our separate ways?

 This just might be the reset you both need but you have  a lot of red on your ledger and she may not be able to get past it for this to work.

Lost

[ShySoul]

18 hours ago, Carlos87 said:

This particular time she had just come back from a trip with her mom and while she was away I had ensured that her apartment was clean so she would not have to deal with a dirty apartment upon her return and that she would have an easy start to her work day the following day. I also washed her car and fueled up her car to make sure again that she had an easy start upon her returning from a week vacation with her mom. I picked her up from the airport and dropped her off and all said and done I got home at 1:30 am and had a start of 6am for my own work.

Did she ask you to do all of that? Or did you do it of your own free will?

If you are choosing to do all of this, knowing the person that she is and how you have interacted in the past, then why be upset when she does the thing you could have seen coming? Isn't that just setting yourself up? 

Given the nature of the relationship and tone of the post, I'm questioning the intent. If you sincerely did this for her to make things easier on her, that's one thing. But if you did it with the specific intent of getting recognition then its tainted.

Do something because it's what you want to do. Do it with no thought of getting anything back. And defintely don't turn around and use it as ammunition later on.

 

[ShySoul]

13 hours ago, yogacat said:

It honestly sounds like the two of you are stuck in a toxic cycle of hurting each other, and I can't see how that is ever going to change. It's constant testing and manipulation; resentment and grudges; sabotage and threats; unfulfilled expectations and animosity. It's just going to cause more pain and heartache in the long run. If both parties are not willing to put aside their egos and really work on themselves individually and the relationship together, it is time to call it quits and move on. 

Pretty much sums it all up.

Is that the relationship you want to be in? Is it what you would want for her? If neither are willing to apologize, atone, and change, then it's best to part ways. Would actually be the most loving thing either of you could do for the other.

[yogacat]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Here’s the thing, that isnt an excuse for her to be a “Total B” to him. Especially when he literally cleaned her home, washed her car and refueled it and got her from airport and has even wanted to get a collar for the dog right away. 

OP shouldnt have cheated, that is for sure. But then she shouldt even be with him. Taking him back, but then treating him like a slave and throwing a hissy fit at a slight inconvenience, when he literally was most considerate man in the world, really isnt a solution. Break up and find somebody else. Which, to be fair to her she does, but she gets back to OP after. Its very unhealthy dynamic.

OP, yes you did made a mistake in the past. But even you deserve better than somebody treating you like trash after you did so much for them. Just stay separated. Let her go to concert with whoever she wants. And find somebody who will appreciate your efforts. Just dont cheat them too. 

I don't quite think I was advocating that she act like a “Total B” to him given that I made the effort to point out his obvious deep flaws, like cheating, that hurt her deeply, but it can be hard to figure out the person's thought process so I appreciate your post as well.

Him cleaning her apartment, while a very generous thing to do, doesn't really penetrate much on a larger scale except as a nice gesture and doesn't get to the heart of the issues. Has he been genuine in his efforts to make their relationship better in terms of repairing the trust, true intimacy (on all intimate levels: mentally, emotionally, sexually), etc.?  

You are right, she doesn't seem like she is sincere in her efforts to do so, but then again how genuine are his efforts towards her? 

His issue as of current is her going to a concert with some guy and I feel he is now worried she is going with a man that especially, in such scenarios, hanging out with another man may cheat on him as a "get back." 

This probably isn't a very healthy dynamic said it already, and you can try to fix it with her (or break up with her), but either way you are still going to hurt in some way regardless.  As well as her.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

You are right, she doesn't seem like she is sincere in her efforts to do so, but then again how genuine are his efforts towards her? 

 

I dont think its got into question from his story. Its like one of those philosophical questions like "Whether "nice guy" is nice to you because he is nice or because he wants to date you". It doesnt mater when the end result is that they are nice to you and there is no serious drawback like "they are nice to you so they can scam you after". Same here. By doing all those stuff he was making an effort. To get on his girlfriends good side after he was bad boyfriend, maybe. But its still a conscious effort. 90% of people wouldnt do half of things he did for their SO. Even those who are in happy relationships. So yes, he was making a genuine effort to make things better. He did squandered it afterward when he was put into argument though. That I dont excuse. 

If you want to argue how him doing all those nice stuff for her doesnt mean anything and that he should have get her to couples counselor to discuss feelings, sure, I dont think it would hurt the relationship. Just think most of you are dismissing his efforts based on his previous sins. While it is clear that they are both a mess and that there are too many issues to make this work probably even with making efforts from either side and that they are just making more mess. That is why I agreed that they should just stay separated. 

[ShySoul]

To be fair, he did make some effort.

But we are also only getting half the story. If we could hear her side, I am sure we would also hear about all the effort she puts into it and things that she does for him. And there would probably be the same complaints about how he doesn't appreciate it.

Two peas in a spoiled pod. Best thing is to not subject either to it anymore and to focus on addressing their own individual issues.

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

7 hours ago, yogacat said:

You are right, she doesn't seem like she is sincere in her efforts to do so, but then again how genuine are his efforts towards her? 

 

I dont think its got into question from his story. Its like one of those philosophical questions like "Whether "nice guy" is nice to you because he is nice or because he wants to date you". It doesnt mater when the end result is that they are nice to you and there is no serious drawback like "they are nice to you so they can scam you after". Same here. By doing all those stuff he was making an effort. To get on his girlfriends good side after he was bad boyfriend, maybe. But its still a conscious effort. 90% of people wouldnt do half of things he did for their SO. Even those who are in happy relationships. So yes, he was making a genuine effort to make things better. He did squandered it afterward when he was put into argument though. That I dont excuse. 

If you want to argue how him doing all those nice stuff for her doesnt mean anything and that he should have get her to couples counselor to discuss feelings, sure, I dont think it would hurt the relationship. Just think most of you are dismissing his efforts based on his previous sins. While it is clear that they are both a mess and that there are too many issues to make this work probably even with making efforts from either side and that they are just making more mess. That is why I agreed that they should just stay separated. 

I see the girlfriend's mess more like collateral damage. I am not suggesting that she couldn't have been more gracious towards his efforts. Maybe it brings up an important question, even a rhetorical one, that must be asked:

How do we show genuine forgiveness, take responsibility, and make up for something?

Recent generosity on his part aside and her being a duck about it aside, what, pray tell, could easily one do about genuine forgiveness? It doesn't always need to include grand gestures is what I am saying. Some people prefer deep intimacy efforts.

Eeek... It's very complicated situation and it's clear that both parties have made mistakes and have issues. And OP, it sounds like you're growing tired of constantly feeling like you need to walk on eggshells and be "perfect" to please your girlfriend. 

You were incredibly thoughtful and kind in your actions towards her and she seems to have taken them for granted, which must feel very discouraging. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and betrayed that she is now going to the concert with someone else after you put so much effort into making it a special outing for the two of you.

She isn't going with you especially after all the effort you put into making her day easier... you were probably hoping for some kind of reward or compromise and don't feel like it happened. I get it! If all you're getting for your efforts is a ticket to the show, it must feel like the thanks you're receiving is "come on, I did all that for you and this is how you're going to pay me back?"

More or less, what is happening here is resentment x2. You're pouting that you didn't get what you wanted from her and she is pouting that she isn't getting what she wants from you. The concert date was meant to be the carrot for your high effort considerations you've done in the past... 

OP... this isn't healthy and it sounds like you are both ill-equipped to communicate and work through your issues. She is too controlling and demanding (another symptom of security issues) and you need to work on your issues too, or find someone more compatible with your personality and your needs (in other words, find someone with compatible energies). 

You both have taken each other for granted and have shown disregard for one another's feelings. I would say it's time to disengage and find other people who are better suited for each of you.