The past destroying the relationship with my mom

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is it , exactly , she knows how to rev my buttons and then pleads innocence and “ trying to help.” Her mother was the same . I will try what you suggest. 

Yep, just because someone knows how to press them, we own our own buttons and can disable them at any time. It's a decision.

Quote

She  always says to me, but you’re so nice to your own son, you’re never snippy to him and nice 99.9% of the time. I always smile and say, yup I am successful at my primary job. 😁

Yay, you! Perfect. You can also offer that you're trying to model how you believe one should speak to one's children, and if she's willing to adopt the same tone, you'll be happy to respond in kind with her.

[Seraphim]

Just now, catfeeder said:

Yep, just because someone know how to press them, we own our own buttons and can disable them at any time. It's a decision.

Yay, you! Perfect. You can also offer that you're trying to model how you believe one should speak to one's children, and if she's willing to adopt the same tone, you'll be happy to behave in kind with her.

Perfect. Thanks. I will give this a try. I was able to stop my dad from lighting my buttons and now for her . 

[catfeeder]

20 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

... I was able to stop my dad from lighting my buttons and now for her . 

Oh, that's great. It's unfortunate that you have experience with your Dad, but now you already know you can do it. The problem with elderly folks is that they've regressed. They're as manipulative as children, only they're better at it.

The getting more bees with honey approach can throw Mom for a loop and ramp her up to try harder to upset you for a while, but if you hold your ground and use the same patient tactics you've been using with your son and the children under your care, you might shock yourself by converting her.

Your house, your example. One of you needs to be adult enough for the both of you--and it's not gonna be her.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Oh, that's great. It's unfortunate that you have experience with your Dad, but now you already know you can do it. The problem with elderly folks is that they've regressed. They're as manipulative as children, only they're better at it.

The getting more bees with honey approach can throw Mom for a loop and ramp her up to try harder to upset you for a while, but if you hold your ground and use the same patient tactics you've been using with your son and the children under your care, you might shock yourself by converting her.

Your house, your example. One of you needs to be adult enough for the both of you--and it's not gonna be her.

My dad was a thousand times worse than her for sure. He is gone now almost 4 years. 
 

I think she has some inkling of how she is because when I had therapy about 11 years ago a few times she said , “ don’t let some therapist ruin your relationship with ME. “ She wanted me to have therapy for everything other than what would affect her or my adoration of her. My therapy made her human in my eyes therefore she saw it as a threat. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

...I think she has some inkling of how she is because when I had therapy about 11 years ago a few times she said , “ don’t let some therapist ruin your relationship with ME. “ She wanted me to have therapy for everything other than what would affect her or my adoration of her. My therapy made her human in my eyes therefore she saw it as a threat. 

Yeah, you're both been living through the discomfort of a natural imbalance of power for many years. Now you're the one in the adult seat, and she's regressed into childishness. Problem is, as great as you are with children, you're not accustomed to dealing with your own mother as a child. That's an adjustment, but I think you'll be able to use your excellent skills to do it better than you think. Try shifting away from viewing her as your adult mother through your childhood vision. That's quite a mind pretzel, but it'll buy you some quiet power. Adopt instead your role as THE adult in this changed relationship, and treat your Mom as you would an intelligent child from the neighborhood who you love and adore despite her brattiness.

Of course, I don't mean any of this disrespectfully, but developmentally, this is a role reversal, and it's natural to find it stressful.

[Seraphim]

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yeah, you're both been living through the discomfort of a natural imbalance of power for many years. Now you're the one in the adult seat, and she's regressed into childishness. Problem is, as great as you are with children, you're not accustomed to dealing with your own mother as a child. That's an adjustment, but I think you'll be able to use your excellent skills to do it better than you think. Try shifting away from viewing her as your adult mother through your childhood vision. That's quite a mind pretzel, but it'll buy you some quiet power. Adopt instead your role as THE adult in this changed relationship, and treat your Mom as you would an intelligent child from the neighborhood who you love and adore despite her brattiness.

Of course, I don't mean any of this disrespectfully, but developmentally, this is a role reversal, and it's natural to find it stressful.

It got really bad after my step dad died. It started to be bad during Covid. She was always like this but it got extreme after Covid and super bad after my step dad died . 

[redswim30]

First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened to you in your past.   I am glad you are feeling recovered. 

It's tough since she now lives with you.  That limits your options. 

The 'easiest" option is simply to ignore it and not respond to it.  Knowing she is old and elderly people often behave irrationally.   She may also potentially be trying to "useful" even if it's badly reasoned and not asked for.  Take as many breaks from her as you can, distancing and not responding to her attempts. 

Another option is to bring it up to her, though not sure how successful this would be as you have tried it and she doesn't stop. 

The only other option available to you- and I say this in a non-cruel and totally judgment free way- if you find you cannot live with it- move her out of your home.   I know you love your mom, clearly you do as you took her in.  However, you aren't obligated to deal with her emotionally disrespecting you forever if you find it is too much for you to manage.   This IS an option if all else fails and you find you have to compromise your emotional well-being.  You have every right to treat this as a viable option if you find reach a point of it being too much for you.   

 

 

[TeeDee]

19 hours ago, Seraphim said:

And I am ALWAYS wrong . ALWAYS. 

No you are not.  She just makes you feel that way. 

Kudos to you for overcoming what happened to you & growing into a loving mother. 

Just let your mother say whatever she's going to say.  Nod.  Smile kind of a closed mouth half smile.  Mumble "mmhmm" "yeah" "OK" or some other non committal noise then do whatever you want without another thought to what she wants.  

[Cherylyn]

22 hours ago, Seraphim said:

She lives in my house with me now. We took her in because she was running out of money and has several severe mobility difficulties and mostly deaf. So I can’t avoid her at all. 

Perhaps she'll be in an improved mood,  hence,  treat you better if she has outlets.  My friend takes her  mother to her local church.  She has very nice friends there,  they make crafts every week (both to make to own and sell at their church fundraisers),  share meals together and it makes everyone happy.  Therefore,  my friend's mother is pleasant because she's content. 

There are times when people have too much time on their hands and they are bored stiff so they become very irritable,  rude and disrespectful because they're unhappy with their lot in life. 

[LootieTootie]

She sounds like my parents! Just imagine having 2 of them.

Sorry Sera, it just sounds like she is cranky and yet, being helpful the only way she knows how (which isn't so helpful). 

I ignore my parents calls sometimes and when I can't ignore their calls or their presence, I just sit, smile and said "uh huh" even when they're telling me all the things I did wrong or I should do and inside I'm just burning with angst. I think at their age, all they want is to be heard but they don't want to hear you out.

Any way, I'm sorry about your past but I commend you for taking your mother in. Family is family.

[Seraphim]

22 hours ago, redswim30 said:

First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened to you in your past.   I am glad you are feeling recovered. 

It's tough since she now lives with you.  That limits your options. 

The 'easiest" option is simply to ignore it and not respond to it.  Knowing she is old and elderly people often behave irrationally.   She may also potentially be trying to "useful" even if it's badly reasoned and not asked for.  Take as many breaks from her as you can, distancing and not responding to her attempts. 

Another option is to bring it up to her, though not sure how successful this would be as you have tried it and she doesn't stop. 

The only other option available to you- and I say this in a non-cruel and totally judgment free way- if you find you cannot live with it- move her out of your home.   I know you love your mom, clearly you do as you took her in.  However, you aren't obligated to deal with her emotionally disrespecting you forever if you find it is too much for you to manage.   This IS an option if all else fails and you find you have to compromise your emotional well-being.  You have every right to treat this as a viable option if you find reach a point of it being too much for you.   

 

 

For sure I thinking ignoring is going to be the best course of action and or making non committal noises.  

[Seraphim]

22 hours ago, TeeDee said:

No you are not.  She just makes you feel that way. 

Kudos to you for overcoming what happened to you & growing into a loving mother. 

Just let your mother say whatever she's going to say.  Nod.  Smile kind of a closed mouth half smile.  Mumble "mmhmm" "yeah" "OK" or some other non committal noise then do whatever you want without another thought to what she wants.  

Yes, the non committal mumbling might be best.  

[Seraphim]

21 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Perhaps she'll be in an improved mood,  hence,  treat you better if she has outlets.  My friend takes her  mother to her local church.  She has very nice friends there,  they make crafts every week (both to make to own and sell at their church fundraisers),  share meals together and it makes everyone happy.  Therefore,  my friend's mother is pleasant because she's content. 

There are times when people have too much time on their hands and they are bored stiff so they become very irritable,  rude and disrespectful because they're unhappy with their lot in life. 

She is incredibly upset and angry about becoming old I know. She hates it more than anything and won’t settle about it . She is angry about her disabilities. 
 

There is a uchre group she wants to join when it reopens in the Fall. 

[Seraphim]

9 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

She sounds like my parents! Just imagine having 2 of them.

Sorry Sera, it just sounds like she is cranky and yet, being helpful the only way she knows how (which isn't so helpful). 

I ignore my parents calls sometimes and when I can't ignore their calls or their presence, I just sit, smile and said "uh huh" even when they're telling me all the things I did wrong or I should do and inside I'm just burning with angst. I think at their age, all they want is to be heard but they don't want to hear you out.

Any way, I'm sorry about your past but I commend you for taking your mother in. Family is family.

I think losing her husband of 29 years really threw her for a loop. That and being old ( 78 ) is really blowing her mind . 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

She is incredibly upset and angry about becoming old I know. She hates it more than anything and won’t settle about it . She is angry about her disabilities. 
 

There is a uchre group she wants to join when it reopens in the Fall. 

Is there anything else she can do aside from waiting until the Fall?  She needs healthy diversions and distractions to offset the focus from you onto mentally stimulating activities,  exercise and an in person social life outside the home.  Most people do otherwise they become irritable,  negative and very belligerent.

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Is there anything else she can do aside from waiting until the Fall?  She needs healthy diversions and distractions to offset the focus from you onto mentally stimulating activities,  exercise and an in person social life outside the home.  Most people do otherwise they become irritable,  negative and very belligerent.

Absolutely she needs outside stimulation. Our community is very small 10,000 people so not many opportunities for a lot of events . It is also pretty isolated in the winter months. Basically it is an outdoorsy community with white water rafting and hunting and ATV’s and snowmobiling etc. She is definitely NOT outdoorsy and never has been. She is ballet and opera and high tea kind of lady. So while she enjoys the friendly nature of the area the outdoorsy is not something she appreciates. She also can’t stand for longer than a few minutes or walk for longer than 500 M. It is very hard to find something for her . 

[Seraphim]

Also she is mostly deaf and even with hearing aids most of the time everything is “ pardon can’t hear you, pardon can’t hear you… all day long . 

[TeeDee]

48 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She is incredibly upset and angry about becoming old I know. She hates it more than anything and won’t settle about it . She is angry about her disabilities. 
 

There is a uchre group she wants to join when it reopens in the Fall. 

You hit the nail on the head.  She's struggling & taking it out on others.  

Hopefully the church group will give her an outlet

[Seraphim]

Just now, TeeDee said:

You hit the nail on the head.  She's struggling & taking it out on others.  

Hopefully the church group will give her an outlet

It is a card group. Which she would really enjoy. Church I am not so sure . She left our Church more than 50 years ago but has asked occasionally to join me and my son. 

[TeeDee]

Sorry I thought uchre was misspelled church.  Whatever if there's a group that will make her feel vital again, get her into it. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

Sorry I thought uchre was misspelled church.  Whatever if there's a group that will make her feel vital again, get her into it. 

For sure she needs people her own age . My husband’s aunt is 10 years older than my mom but she also belongs to this card group and invited her . She is feeling isolated because she no longer has her brother and his gf close and my brother and all her grandkids, her SIL, who died the other day. Before she was just missing me and my son and she could always count on me coming to visit so it wasn’t a big issue . Now she just has us two. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Seraphim  can I vent a little bit on your thread?

I'm SICK of my own mom too. She's been not respecting boundaries again lately and she plays victim when I speak up.

I'm just waiting to move out, but lord some days are TOUGH 😞 

Now I have to reinforce some boundaries AGAIN. I'm so tired of this nut job. My sibling has been also super tired of all of this, so morale is low.

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Seraphim  can I vent a little bit on your thread?

I'm SICK of my own mom too. She's been not respecting boundaries again lately and she plays victim when I speak up.

I'm just waiting to move out, but lord some days are TOUGH 😞 

Now I have to reinforce some boundaries AGAIN. I'm so tired of this nut job. My sibling has been also super tired of all of this, so morale is low.

I am sorry you are feeling this too. 

[DarkCh0c0]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am sorry you are feeling this too. 

🫂

Thank you.

Huh.... 😓 I just wish it would stop. Story of my life... And that of so many other families. All the ridiculous naïve expectations, the passive aggressive comments, and the "oh I'm just checking in" for Xth time!!! 

😣 today is one of those days. I need to set the record straight... Again.

How are things going on with you?

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

🫂

Thank you.

Huh.... 😓 I just wish it would stop. Story of my life... And that of so many other families. All the ridiculous naïve expectations, the passive aggressive comments, and the "oh I'm just checking in" for Xth time!!! 

😣 today is one of those days. I need to set the record straight... Again.

How are things going on with you?

My personal journal has the last two weeks crap which has been spectacular since we got sick with Covid. We are recovering but the insanity has been unbearable.