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Need Help with Breakup


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Hi,

My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me three days ago.  I am really struggling with this and it all happened so fast.  I made a big mistake and it is one she is seemingly not going to forgive me for.  I don't know how to proceed because we still love each other and care for each other and she wants to be friends.  The main issue that led to the break up was a sexual issue.  She was on me, in bed, I touched between her legs in a playful ish way not sexual in intent.  Mind you we haven't had sex in over a year due to hormonal/medical issues.  She said stop, but in a way that I thought wasn't serious, and she didn't move away.  In roughly the same moment I did it again, a slight rub.  She then said stop again in a way that sounded more serious and I immediately did and said I was sorry.  I don't know why I didn't think it was serious the first time and I felt awful about it.  We went on with our relationship in the next week or two, things seemed to be okay.  Suddenly she brought it back up and explained how violated she felt and that I sexually assaulted her.  Two days later she asked for a break, 5 days later she broke up with me.  I feel so terrible about what I did and I don't know if there is any way to fix this or maybe have her back in the future.  She says she realizes it was a mistake but that it is unacceptable and she no longer wants to be with me.  

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44 minutes ago, PKL said:

Hi,

My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me three days ago.  I am really struggling with this and it all happened so fast.  I made a big mistake and it is one she is seemingly not going to forgive me for.  I don't know how to proceed because we still love each other and care for each other and she wants to be friends.  The main issue that led to the break up was a sexual issue.  She was on me, in bed, I touched between her legs in a playful ish way not sexual in intent.  Mind you we haven't had sex in over a year due to hormonal/medical issues.  She said stop, but in a way that I thought wasn't serious, and she didn't move away.  In roughly the same moment I did it again, a slight rub.  She then said stop again in a way that sounded more serious and I immediately did and said I was sorry.  I don't know why I didn't think it was serious the first time and I felt awful about it.  We went on with our relationship in the next week or two, things seemed to be okay.  Suddenly she brought it back up and explained how violated she felt and that I sexually assaulted her.  Two days later she asked for a break, 5 days later she broke up with me.  I feel so terrible about what I did and I don't know if there is any way to fix this or maybe have her back in the future.  She says she realizes it was a mistake but that it is unacceptable and she no longer wants to be with me.  

I believe there were other reasons or - was this not the first time this sort of thing happened? Also I can see you misunderstanding the word stop and anyway this all happened within a moment.  I don't think you assaulted her.  For example is it assault if one person tickles another and the person says stop while sort of laughing and you can't tell if it really means stop? Yes if you already know the person despises being tickled it's rude to do so -but had you discussed before that you weren't to touch her at all? Sounds like a lot more going on with her.

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52 minutes ago, PKL said:

I don't know if there is any way to fix this or maybe have her back in the future.  She says she realizes it was a mistake but that it is unacceptable and she no longer wants to be with me.  

She made a solid decision so there is nothing for you to fix. To try to do so would be disrespectful of her feelings.

She's wrong, however, that being friends is the right way to handle things. It's not, especially because a relationship never works when two people have different relationship goals. She wants to be friends and you want to go back to a romance. Also, eventually when you move on to dating, a new woman in your life won't likely accept you being buddies with an ex you wanted to remain with.

Breakups are extremely upsetting, to say the least. I'm sorry this has happened. I'd explain to her that for your own good, you will have to go no contact and wish her well.

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We had the same issue over a year ago.  Same exact situation.  However, we talked about it and she said it didn't really bother her much anyway.  We had moved on and I even asked if it still bothered her a few weeks later and she assured me it did not.  It was never discussed that I should not touch her at all.  Even after this happened she never said anything like that.  Our sexual relationship has been struggling for roughly two years and there's been little to no sexual contact.  We still hugged and kissed and cuddled in bed, just never had sex.  Besides this, we haven't had issues and get along very well and enjoy our time together.  

 

I am okay with being friends with her.  And it all ended so fast and she has her own personal struggles which I think are weighing on her and may be a factor.  It does feel like there may be something for us in the future but no I'm not gonna try and push it on her that we need to get back together.  

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Also, to say that exes can't be friends and then get back together seems short-sighted and sort of biased.  Many people go through breakups and get back together and continue on a healthy relationship once they can both move past the issues going on. 

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11 hours ago, PKL said:

Also, to say that exes can't be friends and then get back together seems short-sighted and sort of biased.  Many people go through breakups and get back together and continue on a healthy relationship once they can both move past the issues going on. 

Yes it's fine if you're ready to hear about who she'd like to date who she is dating who she wants to have sex with.  I absolutely am friends with exes as is my husband. I am quite friendly with one of his  exes who I met through him - we were introduced after my future husband and I got back together.

He was my ex fiancee when we got back together (although we were in very little contact when we were apart -not friends, barely acquainted)- had I stayed friends with my now husband when we were broken up I am quite sure we'd never have tried again to date.  But you cannot be friends with someone you want back/are strongly attracted to.  You can't be her true friend.

I was friendly/in touch with my on again off again ex of 7 years  - and it was one reason why it didn't work out because we both couldn't truly be friends for most of that time even when we were dating others.

If a year ago you touched her and she thought it was after she said no -then it happened again - I can see where it was a cumulative dealbreaker since she is very unstable it seems in the sexuality department -at least with you.

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None of that sounds healthy to me.  If you two haven't been having sex for over a year due to some hormonal medical issue, why were you two in bed together with her on top of you?  That sounds like she is some sort of tease.  

Why would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who can't or won't have sex with you? 

I'm sorry you two broke up & I'm sorry that you are hurting but I think this may be a good thing for you.  

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I agree that the sexual issues were a problem in our relationship.  But in every other way I was fulfilled.  We were in bed with her on me because we would still kiss and cuddle intimately.  Just never progressing past that or taking clothes off.  When we first started dating we were very sexually active, then she got an implant birth control and within about two weeks her libido was gone.  Due to this, I figured it was something we could work on and eventually she would no longer have that implant and things would be fine since everything else was great for us.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t wanting sexual things with me, it was that her entire sex drive was gone, whether for me or anyone else she was never horny or thinking about it.  This did put a strain on us, but again, we were healthy and happy in every other manner.

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12 hours ago, PKL said:

This did put a strain on us, but again, we were healthy and happy in every other manner.

...but also lacking a pretty important component of what distinguishes a close friendship from a romantic union. 

You don't need to have sex all the time, of course. However, how long were you really willing to go on like this with your own needs not being met? 

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16 hours ago, PKL said:

When we first started dating we were very sexually active, then she got an implant birth control and within about two weeks her libido was gone.  Due to this, I figured it was something we could work on and eventually she would no longer have that implant and things would be fine since everything else was great for us.  It wasn’t that she wasn’t wanting sexual things with me, it was that her entire sex drive was gone, whether for me or anyone else she was never horny or thinking about it.  This did put a strain on us, but again, we were healthy and happy in every other manner.

Wow, wouldn't she be rushing to get the implant removed and try another form of birth control? If not, that's quite abnormal for a woman to shrug and be like, "Oh, well. It's okay if I live a celibate life. No biggie."

If she's not going to have sex, she can't get pregnant, so why leave the thing in? 

Something's not adding up. Perhaps this is a story she told you, and she's just not that into you and was overly cowardly to break up until now, when her courage overrode her cowardice.

You must be young, not considering how your next 60 to 70 years of a life without sex would be too big of a sacrifice. Nobody's worth that. She didn't care that you weren't fulfilled. Otherwise, she would've let you go far sooner to seek what you deserve. She didn't try to find a solution, so she cares far less about you than you feel for her.

You're too close to the situation to see this. If you choose to stay buddies with her, you will be just as unfulfilled in sex in the present and future as you were in the past with her, because you will be too hooked on her to want to date, and even if another woman took interest, she'd exit when she sees you still pine for your ex.

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She wasn’t comfortable with any other form of birth control.  Besides vasectomy to getting her tubes tied.  I do still believe this is something we could’ve fixed long term as I’ve never wanted children and a vasectomy wouldn’t be out of the question for me.  I find it hard to believe that she simply didn’t care that I wasn’t fulfilled in that way, but rather she saw no other options.

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Let this be a lesson that no means no, period. If someone isn't comfortable, you stop immediately. Also if someone has had issues in the past, you have to be extra careful around them, not taking any chances. 

I commend you on your willingness to work with her. You are right, it is perfectly fine to remain friends with her if that is what you want. Understand though that there is no guarantee of anything. She may still feel uncomfortable. You might decide you can't handle it. You could get back together. Or you could just remain good friends forever. You have to be prepared to accept any outcome and not just the one you would prefer. If you think you can do that, then being friends is by far the best way to go. I'd rather have someone I care about in my life in a small way, then no way at all.

Sex is an enjoyable part of a relationship, but it's not a necessary part of a relationship. The romance will carry you much further. The most important thing is that you are each feeling the love that the other person feels for you. It's creating intimacy in spirit, sharing your heart and soul with each other. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, the look in each others eyes.... you can find love there, no penetration needed. 

It sounds like you have done a good job of respecting her boundaries and understanding her in the past. Do that now. Respect her decision. Be friends if you can. Sorry that this happened. You seem like a caring guy, so don't change that. I hope something good can still come of this. You deserve to be happy and I have faith that one day something will awesome will happen for you.

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