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I am 24 and I met a girl who is 22. We talked for a month and a half online because she had been working on her bachelor's degree at that time. She clearly stated that she wants to meet and even tried making plans with me. So after she got all her stuff done I came to the city where she lives and we hung out. We instantly clicked, I don't think I ever had as smooth of a first date as this one. We were very open about how we feel and that we both really liked each other after the first date. During the next week she invited me to hangout with her and her friends for 3 days on a fishing trip. Same as before, it was unbelievable how good it was going. We both were telling each other that we don't sleep around and that we only do stuff like that when it is really serious. It happened so that we even did some sexual stuff the night before leaving which I have never done when meeting a person the 2nd time. At this point after the trip ended she dropped me off at the station and me realising we did stuff that's more than kissing already I decided to kiss her. She wanted it too, clearly, because she was blushing like I've never seen a person blush.

The following weeks is where it all starts going downhill. We clearly stated that this is long term, we both told each other that multiple times and were both clear that this is serious. She told her family, I told mine. She suggested that she wants to meet my parents I was very excited at the idea. We setup the plans. Everything was fine we talked like usual until 2 days before she had to come to my town. She started acting a bit distant and the replies were a lot slower. She even acknowledged that without me brining it up. She said right now is rough on her because of personal issues and that I should trust her that it will all be ok. Since she was very honest and stayed true to her word up until then I believed her. A day before she had to come she barely interacted with me. I sent her a heartfelt voice message saying that I just want to know if she's coming and its ok if something happened. She told me she will tell me everything later that day. She didn't. I was very torn at this point. She texted me the next day explaining that her financial situation is terrible and that her dog is pretty sick (which i knew about). She said she was torn about it but decided not to come. It was very unsual for her to not reply in a timely manner.

At this point I explained to her how I feel and that I don't like that she just did not tell me upfront. I was understanding maybe even too understanding now having to think about it. I told her "ok if you have no money I am just coming over to come see you". She barely replied for the coming days, just saying stuff that's not very important. I asked her if she wants to meet, she did not make herself clear. I just decided to tell her "I am coming at 1AM if you still want this you will be there". She did come. I sat down in her car and she hugged me and kissed me. Everything was very nice like both of the previous times. It was exactly the same, we talked about all the things that were unusual for her. She said she was having a kind of a depressive episode where she barely left the house and just stayed in her bed. Which happens to her sometimes according to her. Me being a depressive person myself I understood it perfectly. We ironed out some other topics that were up in the air as well. Then we talked about if this is a relationship. She stated very honestly and clearly that she really likes me and was missing me and likes being with me and I am the only guy that has the potential to be something with her. She said multiple times there are no other people. But she also said that she wants to get to know me more at this point and that it's all had gotten a bit too fast. I told her that I am ready to commit now. She said some things that do make sense on why she wants to wait. But I tried to explain why it doesn't apply here. Then I realised while we were talking that I am not gonna logic my way into being with her. So I just stopped. We hung out the rest of the time very nicely spending quality time and later we kissed after she dropped me off.

We met on saturday and on friday I moved to a city closeby for a job. She told me that this is great since she can come the next day since I live closer now. It's gonna be very easy to hang out she said. And that we will talk tomorow about everything as well.

Now we come to this point that I am at now. After we split our ways the texting seemed similar to what it was at the start. I wanted to clarify is she's gonna come she said she thinks she will. Altough the hours when it came closer to day she promised to come AGAIN she pretty much dissapeared. Up until now she has not responded it's been 2 days

I know that there is a rule that people say "if it's not a hell yes, then its a no" maybe thats the case here. I am very confused and stressed. I really have no one to ask advice

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She's all over the place with money woes,  a sick dog,  very dramatic,  a flake,  unstable and it's exhausting keeping up with her.  She's very high maintenance in a stressful way. 

She doesn't sound like a keeper. 👎 ☹️

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3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

We clearly stated that this is long term, we both told each other that multiple times and were both clear that this is serious. She told her family, I told mine. She suggested that she wants to meet my parents I was very excited at the idea. We setup the plans. Everything was fine we talked like usual until 2 days before she had to come to my town. She started acting a bit distant and the replies were a lot slower.

It's totally fine to have the goal of longterm, but at this early stage, it'd be impossible to realistically know if two people are compatible in all the major ways. You can't possibly know all the important things you need to know about a prospective partner after so little time talking and getting together. 

You both made this mistake, speaking of being each others serious  partner and meeting parents. Too much pressure when you're little more than new acquaintances. And I bet you moved closer because of her, and not that you already had that in the works before you met her. If so, again, that's too much pressure on a partner when it's too early to see if things will work out longterm.

Why did she seek dating online at the point when she was too busy finishing the semester? Seems odd to me. 

3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

She said she was torn about it but decided not to come. It was very unsual for her to not reply in a timely manner.

At this point I explained to her how I feel and that I don't like that she just did not tell me upfront. I was understanding maybe even too understanding now having to think about it. I told her "ok if you have no money I am just coming over to come see you".

At this point, it was her turn to come to you. She was full of excuses. You were too full-on and it was like you couldn't take no for an answer. You should've had a wait-and-see attitude, sitting back to gauge her interest or lack of it by seeing if she came through within the next few weeks. Never cross an ocean for someone who won't even jump over a puddle for you.

 

3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

Altough the hours when it came closer to day she promised to come AGAIN she pretty much dissapeared. Up until now she has not responded it's been 2 days

Well, she's showing a pattern here. Who knows if she's normally wishy-washy, if she's got some situationship with another guy you don't know about, or if even though she went along with the fast-paced track of a goal of being serious, it began freaking her out? It doesn't really matter if you'll never know. The only thing you should realize is that you can't have a relationship if it's one-sided. You should also learn from your own mistakes. Try keeping it to a normal pace of dating with the next woman. Let a woman return the effort without you always being the one driving the train, and if she doesn't, take a hint.

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Well I am not perfect either I dont have loads of money nor is that my goal in life. Could one person be capable of lying so much at every turn?

I am definitely not gonna reach out first. I am accepting that this might be how it ends and if so so be it. Its still difficult since its my first really successful date in 2.5 years after breaking up with my fiance. Obviously i deserve to be treated better having said all of that

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3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

Well I am not perfect either I dont have loads of money nor is that my goal in life. Could one person be capable of lying so much at every turn?

I am definitely not gonna reach out first. I am accepting that this might be how it ends and if so so be it. Its still difficult since its my first really successful date in 2.5 years after breaking up with my fiance. Obviously i deserve to be treated better having said all of that

Who wrote anything about perfection or that it is measured by wealth? There are people who lie a lot, there are people who rarely do, everything in between.  I agree with Andrina's advice which had nothing to do with perfection or wealth or having a goal of wealth.  

Breakups are so hard. There are no guarantees but if I hadn't broken up with a not quite right for me boyfriend I wouldn't be happily married now. -we are each imperfect, neither of us ever had  the goal of being rich. So there's that too.

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Its not that I disagree with any on your guys advice. I am actually really really thankful.

I was just saying what I said because I disagreed with parts of certain comments. I also did not move at all because of her. I just got a good job offer honestly

But you are also right about most of what you say, thanks

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who wrote anything about perfection or that it is measured by wealth? There are people who lie a lot, there are people who rarely do, everything in between.  I agree with Andrina's advice which had nothing to do with perfection or wealth or having a goal of wealth.  

Breakups are so hard. There are no guarantees but if I hadn't broken up with a not quite right for me boyfriend I wouldn't be happily married now. -we are each imperfect, neither of us ever had  the goal of being rich. So there's that too.

 

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1 minute ago, GreenSaRed said:

Its not that I disagree with any on your guys advice. I am actually really really thankful.

I was just saying what I said because I disagreed with parts of certain comments. I also did not move at all because of her. I just got a good job offer honestly

But you are also right about most of what you say, thanks

 

That's so great to hear and congrats!! It's so hard to get a good job offer -I haven't had to look since 2016 but when I got this job I was over the moon.  I hope you move on and feel better.

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33 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How many times have you actually met her in person? 

Two days in a row on the first date, we spent three days together on the 2nd meet up and 3rd was like 4 days ago we spent the day together

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3 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

Two days in a row on the first date, we spent three days together on the 2nd meet up and 3rd was like 4 days ago we spent the day together

IMO all else equal get to know people at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time - once a week or so for the first couple of months.

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10 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

 Could one person be capable of lying so much at every turn?

I don't think she's lying as in malicious intent to deceive.  I think she's just kinda flakey.  

Look I know it's tough because you have been alone for 2.5 years since whatever went wrong & you didn't marry.  But the silver lining is that you are now at least open to a new relationship.  So it didn't happen with the first person who caught your eye.  That is OK.   You will love again. 

Just go a little slower.  No multi day dates for the 1st few months; stick to the classics of 2-4 hours initially.  Get to know the person.  Build up some anticipation.  Also learn to recognize love bombing.  Too much future talk too early is a red flag.  

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5 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

Two days in a row on the first date, we spent three days together on the 2nd meet up and 3rd was like 4 days ago we spent the day together

So, you've only actually met a handful of times. 

It is too much, too soon. It's too soon to be deciding that this is serious, too soon to be making big future plans - just an awful lot for two people who hardly know each other. 

I think the reality of this is sinking in for her. She got ahead of herself (as did you) and she is rethinking this whole situation. I would not count on this working out well. Next time, pump the brakes in the very early stages. 

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She is freaked and giving excuses.

But, I don't think they're for nefarious reasons.

I think it's more because she feels inadequate. You are so sure already and she isn't. Which means you're ready for moving things forward. 

Whatever. She's having an internal struggle. After only a few weeks of knowing each other you were ready to move forward into serious relationship territory. She wasn't. I think that spooked her. 

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I agree that this girl is acting flakey and maybe not being completely honest with you about certain things. She should have let you know in advance that she wasn't coming to meet your parents. However, I have to say that to be honest I'd feel like this was moving too fast as well.

I think it's very refreshing that you want something serious and you're not in it just for a hookup and so on. That's great but the way you were acting was probably too full on. You're young people and this girl is still at university so she's still in that student stage. You met each other only twice but you kept saying over and over is this a relationship and you want something serious RIGHT NOW.

You asked her to meet your parents after only a couple of times of meeting. I think meeting the parents is a pretty big deal and only done much later in the relationship. Unless it's some kind of arranged marriage and parents are setting you up. 

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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I agree that this girl is acting flakey and maybe not being completely honest with you about certain things. She should have let you know in advance that she wasn't coming to meet your parents. However, I have to say that to be honest I'd feel like this was moving too fast as well.

I think it's very refreshing that you want something serious and you're not in it just for a hookup and so on. That's great but the way you were acting was probably too full on. You're young people and this girl is still at university so she's still in that student stage. You met each other only twice but you kept saying over and over is this a relationship and you want something serious RIGHT NOW.

You asked her to meet your parents after only a couple of times of meeting. I think meeting the parents is a pretty big deal and only done much later in the relationship. Unless it's some kind of arranged marriage and parents are setting you up. 

I did not ask her to meet my parents she suggested that she does I dont think I did not even say a word about it. She said she wants to come to my hometown and get to know where I am from better. And later while we were texting she said it would be very nice to meet them. So I dont think I am to blame for that part at all

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Yeah that all makes sense. The thing is I am a slow mover by heart its just that everything was going perfect. We had a lot in common we liked the same foods. Sense of humour. Similar goals. She was saying everything is mutual and even said some stuff like “you are long term for me and not just a hookup” first. I did not. So she definitely led me on here guys. I am to blame as well for sure. I got too excited. Just saying that I was definitely fooled by her saying she wants those things and usualy saying it first.

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8 hours ago, yogacat said:

She is freaked and giving excuses.

But, I don't think they're for nefarious reasons.

I think it's more because she feels inadequate. You are so sure already and she isn't. Which means you're ready for moving things forward. 

Whatever. She's having an internal struggle. After only a few weeks of knowing each other you were ready to move forward into serious relationship territory. She wasn't. I think that spooked her. 

Thats true, but she also was not honest about it. I am just a person that always says everything upfront and doesnt promise anything I cant keep. So this is definitely new for me. I did not know people backtrack like this I guess.

Thanks for your input

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9 hours ago, TeeDee said:

I don't think she's lying as in malicious intent to deceive.  I think she's just kinda flakey.  

Look I know it's tough because you have been alone for 2.5 years since whatever went wrong & you didn't marry.  But the silver lining is that you are now at least open to a new relationship.  So it didn't happen with the first person who caught your eye.  That is OK.   You will love again. 

Just go a little slower.  No multi day dates for the 1st few months; stick to the classics of 2-4 hours initially.  Get to know the person.  Build up some anticipation.  Also learn to recognize love bombing.  Too much future talk too early is a red flag.  

You are saying she was love bombing me?

Yeah its all sinking in day by day that its over 99.9% of the time here. I am not ready for a new relationship I definitely need to recover mentally at this point. I am really bad with dishonest people. I even woke up from a panic attack yesterday which hasnt happened in years for me. Because of my worrying of course. Thanks!

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So, you've only actually met a handful of times. 

It is too much, too soon. It's too soon to be deciding that this is serious, too soon to be making big future plans - just an awful lot for two people who hardly know each other. 

I think the reality of this is sinking in for her. She got ahead of herself (as did you) and she is rethinking this whole situation. I would not count on this working out well. Next time, pump the brakes in the very early stages. 

Yeah that all makes sense. The thing is I am a slow mover by heart its just that everything was going perfect. We had a lot in common we liked the same foods. Sense of humour. Similar goals. She was saying everything is mutual and even said some stuff like “you are long term for me and not just a hookup” first. I did not. So she definitely led me on here guys. I am to blame as well for sure. I got too excited. Just saying that I was definitely fooled by her saying she wants those things and usualy saying it first.

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1 hour ago, GreenSaRed said:

We had a lot in common we liked the same foods. Sense of humour. Similar goals. She was saying everything is mutual and even said some stuff like “you are long term for me and not just a hookup” first.

You need to not take this seriously when the person barely knows you. It's not "perfect." It's usually a red flag. 

You have to learn to better identify warning signs when you see them, regardless of how flattering it feels to hear those things. I don't think she was necessarily being dishonest, either. I think she just got way too carried away in the moment and realizes now that it wasn't smart. 

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8 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

Thats true, but she also was not honest about it. I am just a person that always says everything upfront and doesnt promise anything I cant keep. So this is definitely new for me. I did not know people backtrack like this I guess.

Thanks for your input

I think that's great that you're straight-forward, and going after what you want.  

But some people don't do well with that sort of initial, head on vulnerability.

Some people need to get there themselves.

I think a good measure of a relationship progressing is that both people are calibrated to the emotional needs of the other person.

She obviously isn't there yet because you haven't given her a timeframe. I know you want a timeline so that you can skip to the end credits but I don't think she's got that right now.

She could have been more straightforward by simply stating that she needed more time, instead of using excuses to avoid seeing you sooner until she ultimately decided she wanted to.

If you see these things consistently picked up over time, yes, then I would see them as big red flags. 

I believe she did not say what she wanted because she did not know herself in that moment. It was likely a result from the intensity of you being a part of her life in just 1 month?

1 month is pretty quick.

So for some this coming on too quick can cause a pretty quick withdrawal.

I say this not with blame. Just simply as an dynamic to be aware when entering any relationship. This experience is good to have under your belt. In the future, just slow it down just a little while you guys are enjoying your honeymoon phase. I say a month and a half is still pretty fast to go from knowing a stranger to seriously dating.

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9 hours ago, GreenSaRed said:

You are saying she was love bombing me?

Yeah its all sinking in day by day that its over 99.9% of the time here. I am not ready for a new relationship I definitely need to recover mentally at this point. I am really bad with dishonest people. I even woke up from a panic attack yesterday which hasnt happened in years for me. Because of my worrying of course. Thanks!

Maybe a little.  

I'm so sorry she has affected you so much.  You need to work on not letting people in so fast.  That have to earn that space in your head & heart.  When you put up better boundaries / defenses, you will not get hurt so easily.   

When after (during?) 1-2 dates she talked about "long term" etc. that was a red flag.  Instead of thinking how wonderful this woman was you should have been thinking what kind of a crazy person says that to someone they don't know?  

Right now you are giving her too much power.  She's virtual stranger.  Stop caring what she thinks.  Put her in the inconsequential box in your head & move on.  

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1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I think that's great that you're straight-forward, and going after what you want.  

But some people don't do well with that sort of initial, head on vulnerability.

Some people need to get there themselves.

I think a good measure of a relationship progressing is that both people are calibrated to the emotional needs of the other person.

She obviously isn't there yet because you haven't given her a timeframe. I know you want a timeline so that you can skip to the end credits but I don't think she's got that right now.

She could have been more straightforward by simply stating that she needed more time, instead of using excuses to avoid seeing you sooner until she ultimately decided she wanted to.

If you see these things consistently picked up over time, yes, then I would see them as big red flags. 

I believe she did not say what she wanted because she did not know herself in that moment. It was likely a result from the intensity of you being a part of her life in just 1 month?

1 month is pretty quick.

So for some this coming on too quick can cause a pretty quick withdrawal.

I say this not with blame. Just simply as an dynamic to be aware when entering any relationship. This experience is good to have under your belt. In the future, just slow it down just a little while you guys are enjoying your honeymoon phase. I say a month and a half is still pretty fast to go from knowing a stranger to seriously dating.

Its 3 months

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