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I wonder if a good percentage of men typically know fairly quickly compared to women whether or not the woman he met or just started dating has the potential to be girlfriend or wife material, he's pretty confident.

Or, would you say that that is just horsepoo tiddly-winks?

Of course, this varies from person to person and can also depend on factors such as how long they've been single, their past experiences, and their overall emotional readiness for a committed relationship. Some may take a longer time to feel sure about someone, especially if they have been hurt in the past or are more cautious with their emotions.

If someone is in tune with his/her feelings, they will likely have a good sense of whether or not the person they are dating is someone he/she can see themselves with.

But then again, if he's saying after a few dates that he knows that this is a woman he can see himself committing to, it could be infatuation or lust clouding his judgment. And the woman may be like, "whoa, slow down."

If you're coupled up, how long have you been together? When did you know this person was 'your person?' Or, if you're looking back at a previous relationship, what were some signs that this person was a good fit for you?

Reminds me of a female friend. She and her male friend were friends for years, he always had a thing for her, but she did not feel the same. Then, years later, out of no where ---> bam, she fell in love with him and they have been married now for several years with children.

So, if females can change their minds, then one would think males could eventually recognize they have a good woman under their nose. But, I guess the question is more what does a man feel or experience that makes him feel quickly when he has a good partner?

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17 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If you're coupled up, how long have you been together? When did you know this person was 'your person?' Or, if you're looking back at a previous relationship, what were some signs that this person was a good fit for you?

8 years. I knew instantly. Signs were: same humor, deep talks that only just amped up the sexual chemistry, and we always wanted to finish each other sentences. Now we are like "can I please finish what I was saying?!" haha.

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I don't think it's gendered plus there's so much individual variation in what it means to know you've found your person - depends on what that means to you individually and I know of a huge range of what that means to individual.  Some have a very low bar, some an impossibly high one, some know based more on sexual chemistry,and on and on and on. My good friend knew on the second date.  But she knew he was the one based on lying to herself which she realized later on.  They were married for 20 years.  I know people who knew based on signs, bells ringing and then on the other end of things a careful mostly head-based analysis of the person checking off all the boxes.  Sometimes because the person they'd dated in the past was based solely on infatuation/lust.  But again -infinite variables.  Also doesn't guarantee it's a good match just because you're "sure" early on.

When we got back together after almost 8 years apart I knew right after our first real kiss which happened 2 weeks after we got back together (we didn't see each other those two weeks as he was out of town -so the next time we saw each other).  I was pretty sure prior to that.  I believe he knew then too.  I didn't ask him though.  It's not important to me. Romantic for sure -but not important as far as why we got married etc.

I already knew he was "perfect on paper" for me but that's only part of knowing he was my person for marriage.

I also felt that way about men who were wrong for me -one ended up coming out as gay years after I declined his marriage proposal (which was shocking to me -not at all why I declined), one where we simply grew apart (high school sweetheart) and one where I realized I was settling for Mr. Right on Paper who wasn't right for me.

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21 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

He chased me for 20 months before I finally agreed to a lunch in the hope that will get him off my back - it didn't, it made it even worse, lol.  Said he wants to marry me after our second date (totally freaked me out).

That's some serious courting. 😍

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4 hours ago, yogacat said:

what does a man feel or experience that makes him feel quickly when he has a good partner?

I'm probably far from the standard man, so I won't try to speak on behalf of a whole gender. For me it comes down to a couple of things. Do I sense this is a genuinely good person? Do we truly get and understand each other?

I'm not looking to date or trying to see if someone could be a good partner. I just interact with them as situations arise. I can fairly quickly tell how much we have in common and if we have a similar value system, sense of humor, etc. That makes it more likely I'll continue talking with them.

For those who I have become interested in as more then friends, it's usually something they do that shows me their heart. A passion for volunteering, some kind of inner conflict they've endured, seeing them give heartfelt and meaninful advice to someone in need of help.... that allows me to see the person they are at their core. That touches me and makes me realize just how special this person is. 

The final step is how well we get each other. When it's been right, it's like we don't have to try. We don't have to question, wonder, or doubt. We just know we are supposed to be in each others lives. We can't help but love each other. What's meant to be will find a way, and it's like we were finally finding our way to each other. That feelings been mutual.

I don't think there is any timeline. For me it's varied greatly. I do think there has always been an instant connection in terms of friendship and getting along as if we had always been friends. But the feeling of more varies and tends to hit like a lightning bolt out of no where. Of course once I'm gone, there's no turning back.

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

She and her male friend were friends for years, he always had a thing for her, but she did not feel the same. Then, years later, out of no where ---> bam, she fell in love with him and they have been married now for several years with children.

That's how my best friend from high school/college said his parent's got together. Also the dream I'll sometimes allow myself to indulge in happening to me.

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I would say, yes, most men would know within couple of interactions whether you are "wife material" or just somebody who they want to have sex with. Or neither.

Maybe its controversial opinion. But most men are much more simple beings then women. We dont need endless dates or "besties approval" to know whether we like the person or not. We also dont need an endless list checks to know if we want more from the person or not. Its the women who mostly treat dating as "job add" where you have to go through the whole process in order to become the boyfriend. To us its much more simpler. 

Also, your friend "settled" for her husband after she probably saw that nothing else works for her and that she couldnt get somebody else. Nothing wrong with that either if they are happy, just saying that her husband didnt fit her standards until those standards were lowered enough for him.

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I am not married, so I got no advice there. But I know from my friends and acquaintances that it's a feeling. Usually from the first couple of meetups. One of them usually will go ''oh shoot, I think he's my husband/she's my wife! ".

Now statistically, they say it takes on average 7 months for a man to know if you are the one. Fun theory!:

https://www.cbsnews.com/minnesota/news/average-man-knows-their-partner-is-the-one-within-7-months/

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I do know of a few friendship caught on fire stories where it definitely wasn't settling -the woman or man finally "saw the light".  

I admit it was important to me for my family to approve of my choice and  to feel approved of by his parents.  My mother in particular was very flexible as far as approval so if she had concerns about someone I was dating -which was rare -they typically were well-founded.  

This may sound odd but I remember a friend who was head over heels for her reformed bad boy boyfriend.  He was very handsome and -debonair? She is gorgeous with a huge heart.  She advised me -before they married -to "settle" for my good on paper bf who wanted to marry me, have kids then divorce given how old I was getting to have kids.  I found that suggestion really odd since she was so head over heels.

I never was a fan of her future husband and I didn't tell her that.  At their wedding he made a toast to his bride and I remember it was short -and basically extolled how beautiful she looked.  It struck me -contextually - why the focus on her looks -this is marriage - you don't mention something about how lovely a person she is, etc?

About 7 years and 2 kids later they were divorced - he cheated (she did too) and he also accused her of their second child not being his (wrong on his part).  So her knowing, her being sooooo in love and over the moon - not sure where that got her - because I wasn't surprised he cheated based on what I knew of him and I'm not sure when she did (not excusing it just don't know if they were separated, if it was after he did etc

By contrast my BFF from high school married her boyfriend she met when she was 15 and he was 16 -they worked at a retail store. I was the maid of honor in the late 80s.  Still -seemingly! very happily married.  She told me she knew early on and that she told him when they started talking about going "steady" that she felt like it was more than just "like" between them. Apparently he agreed wholeheartedly. What a lovely couple.

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27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I do know of a few friendship caught on fire stories where it definitely wasn't settling -the woman or man finally "saw the light".  

It was definitely friendship on fire for them.

I don't quite agree with @Kwothe28 view that she settled and she certainly wasn't without options. But I'm sure it can certainly appear that way!

I was also thinking that perhaps some men and women can instantly know that someone is the one for them and it not be about 'love' per se - it's just something intangible that they feel, it's a feeling of being strongly drawn/connected to/attracted to someone that makes them feel like this person is the one.

And one way you know this when you have so much in common with a person but you also have so many differences but the differences are what make the connection and make the intimacy so intangible to you ---> it's like you recognize your missing 'half' and when you meet that person you finally feel whole.  

So no, not love at first sight, but a deeply intense and magnetic pull that you can's explain or deny.

The saying "love is blind" often comes to mind when I hear stories like these. It's so easy for us to get caught up in the initial infatuation and overlook red flags or warning signs.

Your friend's story is a perfect example of that. She was so in love with her bad boy boyfriend that she couldn't see him for who he truly was. And unfortunately, it ended in heartbreak for her. It's also interesting to contrast that with your other friend's story, who knew early on that her partner was the one for her. It goes to show that there is no one way to find love and that everyone's journey is unique.

Maybe there are more studies on this (haha...) but I tend to to think that people know pretty early on if someone is right for them. But for some people they may dismiss this early inkling given what they see as practical reasons (not the right age, not established yet etc.).  

I was also thinking about dating in general and how "dating" can often be the flounders period so to speak- some people can be big talkers and a disaster when walking the walk.  Some are talkers and growers -a less garrulous type may be the loyal quiet but assured type so it's easy to underestimate their genuine interest in you.

Society also puts a lot of pressure on finding the perfect partner, the happily ever after, and sometimes we may overlook red flags or warning signs because we want to believe that this person is the right person for them.

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I am not married, so I got no advice there. But I know from my friends and acquaintances that it's a feeling. Usually from the first couple of meetups. One of them usually will go ''oh shoot, I think he's my husband/she's my wife! ".

Now statistically, they say it takes on average 7 months for a man to know if you are the one. Fun theory!:

https://www.cbsnews.com/minnesota/news/average-man-knows-their-partner-is-the-one-within-7-months/

Thanks for the share link! I will have to check this out!!

It's interesting for me, because I can only think of ONE instance in my life where I said to myself, "oh, this is the person I can see myself with" and it was fairly early on. It felt a bit like home in an odd way. But for whatever reason, it didn't work out in the end.

I usually don't have those feeling so early on. I have to get to know someone a bit before I can even begin to imagine spending more time than other people would. I wonder if these kinds of moments are personality-based, or something else?

I really appreciate you and others sharing these stories with me.

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2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Your friend's story is a perfect example of that. She was so in love with her bad boy boyfriend that she couldn't see him for who he truly was. And unfortunately, it ended in heartbreak for her

I think she did know -she told me how he'd want her to go to parties where someone he'd had sex with would be attending and how she wasn't comfortable how they interacted. My other friend had a similar situation - except he was way way better looking than her from an objective standpoint (I know beauty in eye of beholder but it was obvious to me she couldn't believe she had this male model specimen on her arm lol).  He had a -past- he also was underemployed and uneducated which hurt his employment opportunities and she was well educated, brilliant from an amazing family.  Big differences.  My sense is from my last personal contact with her some years ago was she knew of his porn habits, and they basically stayed together but lived separate lives-maybe for the kids.  But she was head over heels.

I think when I knew my ex fiancee was my person the second time around it was also based on -even if not in that moment of knowing -and yes also felt like home- our long history together where I knew he was a great person of character and integrity, brilliant, successful, family oriented, our goals all aligned.  

I told my mother two days ago -she absolutely adores him and he loves her as well - I couldn't believe I'd known him now almost 30 years and I never knew -he didn't know- that a certain famous drugstore brand of makeup is known for being -cheap? - he'd always thought it meant it was pricey (context was I never really buy makeup and I bought that brand on spec - and discovered - it's actually much better than the somewhat pricier brand I've been using).  Obviously men might not know a darn thing about makeup but it was fun to joke with my mom who also has worn that brand over the years.  In truth - we don't always know - there are big and small surprises - we had huge disagreements over the years about parenting styles and plans - our son absolutely knows the whole "ok you said no, I'll ask daddy, see ya"  - because he also knows we're different people. 

But it need not affect the knowing -whenever that happens -that you're going to commit to this person -this person is your person for the long haul. 

Like I've said here -if while we were dating he said he no longer thought he wanted kids, he said he no longer thought he wanted a marital commitment, he wanted to quit his job and never work again, he wanted to travel the world and have no permanent place to live most of the year - it wouldn't matter that I 'knew" - I would then know -because to me it's a heart AND head thing and yes there absolutely was a timeline and timing meant a great deal - that he was no longer going to be my choice for marriage. I might respect all his choices.  And never date him let alone marry him again.

Maybe I'd still "feel" he was my person but I wouldn't have let myself give up my goals of marriage and having or adopting a child -for anyone. Not ever.  Someone I know did -and she seems happily married -he told her no kids from early on -he had kids - but she also had deep in her facebook that it would break her heart if she didn't get to be a mom to her own children.  So she settled and she seems ridiculously happy if social media posts mean anything.  Different strokes.

All of this to say -the knowing does depend on timing and timelines -a person who "lives in the moment" and also has no solid life goals -both (I can live in the moment AND make specific plans/have specific goals) - might have an easier time "knowing" because all that means to them really is "this is my person for the long haul.but since I live in the moment and have no goals of marriage, kids, a formal commitment, to own property with this person - my knowing and "committing" can change on a dime.  My knowing meant -promising to relocate, committing to trying to conceive and marriage.  And being unemployed for an extended period of time.  Big huge stuff.  

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I could tell instantly if I had a spark with somebody.  That allowed me to date them.  I learned early that I needed that instant chemistry & if it wasn't there from the beginning it would not develop over time.  Of course love & depth of feelings could grow but for me, not chemistry. 

I could also assess early on if somebody was not a match or had minimal long term potential.  In my late teens early 20s Mr. Right now was just fine.  I didn't want forever.  I was too busy having fun. 

That said, I always need a long time to get to love & even longer to think seriously about forever.  I didn't get married until I was 41.  Ironically while he & I were wallowing around, his whole family claims they knew we'd be married within 3 months of us dating.   At that point I don't think my parents had bothered to learn his name yet.  

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Definitely love at first sight for me and I know what love feels like for me! 
 

My husband says the same thing, corny as it sounds. 
 

I felt the same way about my children too - love at first sight, even though, it obviously wasn’t romantic love - it was a feeling of “pure love”.
 

It can happen to couples, but I think it is probably quite rare. 

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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think she did know -she told me how he'd want her to go to parties where someone he'd had sex with would be attending and how she wasn't comfortable how they interacted. My other friend had a similar situation - except he was way way better looking than her from an objective standpoint (I know beauty in eye of beholder but it was obvious to me she couldn't believe she had this male model specimen on her arm lol).  He had a -past- he also was underemployed and uneducated which hurt his employment opportunities and she was well educated, brilliant from an amazing family.  Big differences.  My sense is from my last personal contact with her some years ago was she knew of his porn habits, and they basically stayed together but lived separate lives-maybe for the kids.  But she was head over heels.

I think when I knew my ex fiancee was my person the second time around it was also based on -even if not in that moment of knowing -and yes also felt like home- our long history together where I knew he was a great person of character and integrity, brilliant, successful, family oriented, our goals all aligned.  

I told my mother two days ago -she absolutely adores him and he loves her as well - I couldn't believe I'd known him now almost 30 years and I never knew -he didn't know- that a certain famous drugstore brand of makeup is known for being -cheap? - he'd always thought it meant it was pricey (context was I never really buy makeup and I bought that brand on spec - and discovered - it's actually much better than the somewhat pricier brand I've been using).  Obviously men might not know a darn thing about makeup but it was fun to joke with my mom who also has worn that brand over the years.  In truth - we don't always know - there are big and small surprises - we had huge disagreements over the years about parenting styles and plans - our son absolutely knows the whole "ok you said no, I'll ask daddy, see ya"  - because he also knows we're different people. 

But it need not affect the knowing -whenever that happens -that you're going to commit to this person -this person is your person for the long haul. 

Like I've said here -if while we were dating he said he no longer thought he wanted kids, he said he no longer thought he wanted a marital commitment, he wanted to quit his job and never work again, he wanted to travel the world and have no permanent place to live most of the year - it wouldn't matter that I 'knew" - I would then know -because to me it's a heart AND head thing and yes there absolutely was a timeline and timing meant a great deal - that he was no longer going to be my choice for marriage. I might respect all his choices.  And never date him let alone marry him again.

Maybe I'd still "feel" he was my person but I wouldn't have let myself give up my goals of marriage and having or adopting a child -for anyone. Not ever.  Someone I know did -and she seems happily married -he told her no kids from early on -he had kids - but she also had deep in her facebook that it would break her heart if she didn't get to be a mom to her own children.  So she settled and she seems ridiculously happy if social media posts mean anything.  Different strokes.

All of this to say -the knowing does depend on timing and timelines -a person who "lives in the moment" and also has no solid life goals -both (I can live in the moment AND make specific plans/have specific goals) - might have an easier time "knowing" because all that means to them really is "this is my person for the long haul.but since I live in the moment and have no goals of marriage, kids, a formal commitment, to own property with this person - my knowing and "committing" can change on a dime.  My knowing meant -promising to relocate, committing to trying to conceive and marriage.  And being unemployed for an extended period of time.  Big huge stuff.  

This was so insightful. Thank you 🙏

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

@yogacat

 

You might be interested in this doctors perspective if you appreciate the “science behind the brain” and how we process feelings:

 

 

 

Ooohhh. Right up my alley, I will watch it. Thanks!

Edit update: OK, I am a few minutes into watching it and I must be missing the part of the brain that experiences love at first sight (or my brain lacks dopamine). 😩😂

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9 hours ago, yogacat said:

This was so insightful. Thank you 🙏

Ooohhh. Right up my alley, I will watch it. Thanks!

Edit update: OK, I am a few minutes into watching it and I must be missing the part of the brain that experiences love at first sight (or my brain lacks dopamine). 😩😂

I wouldn’t beat yourself up Yoga because a million songs and paintings and poems have been launched inspired by the event, because it is so special and probably quite rare. 
 

I have only experienced it once with my husband, never again. Worked around a lot of other men and had male friends and simply been around and noticed it isn’t a common event. 
 

That’s why when and if it happens to you - I think people should grab it with both hands and embrace it as a lucky gift! 
 

When people use the well known phase in songs and poems and books “the stars aligned”, it kind of hints, for me, not only how special it is, but how unique the conditions have to be to meet that special person and experience that type of instant connection. A rare and special thing to be cherished and celebrated for sure! 

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On 7/8/2024 at 5:42 PM, yogacat said:

I wonder if a good percentage of men typically know fairly quickly compared to women whether or not the woman he met or just started dating has the potential to be girlfriend or wife material, he's pretty confident.

Me personally, I hated the girl I’m in love with now. This lasted for like half a year. I thought she was a show-off. Little did I know, I was going to fall extremely hard for her. All it took was me actually getting to know her. It’s actually pretty funny because the second I actually talked to her, I realized that she was amazing.

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15 minutes ago, Octo1757 said:

Me personally, I hated the girl I’m in love with now. This lasted for like half a year. I thought she was a show-off. Little did I know, I was going to fall extremely hard for her. All it took was me actually getting to know her. It’s actually pretty funny because the second I actually talked to her, I realized that she was amazing.

Interesting you mention that.

When an ex (this is many years ago) and I first met, I thought he was the kind of man that had lots of interest from women (he was a professional dancer) and I thought he was a bit full of himself, I didn't care for him. He disliked me in a sense too, he thought I thought that I was this diva chick, etc.

Eventually, we randomly bumped into each other a year later and we started dating.

I have to say, it was a wonderful relationship. We were like best buddies, finishing each other's sentences, laughing at the same jokes, making each laugh hysterically over nothing, doing crosswords while we talked, great intimacy, I felt very trustful with him, we just enjoyed and understood each other in every way in life, it was an absolutely wonderful experience.

However, after 4 years together I got cold feet about committing more long-term, and we went our separate ways but occasionally checked in throughout the years. He's married now with children but prior occasionally reminisce how I was the love of his life and the one that got away. I think if we had met when we were a bit older it might have turned out differently.

Then again, I remember hearing a lot from my high school friends about marrying guys they dated in high school or shortly thereafter and are still together today. It's amazing how they met and that is who they ended up falling in love with.

Sometimes when you know, you just know.

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1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Sometimes when you know, you just know.

Sometimes.  I know of many who "just knew" from their "gut" but it was based on incomplete information and clouded judgment.

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sometimes.  I know of many who "just knew" from their "gut" but it was based on incomplete information and clouded judgment.

Oh I agree, for every man and woman that have been married based on a 'gut' feeling and he/she was right, I'd bet there are many times more where the 'gut' feeling was wrong.

A friend of a family member married a man that she instantly thought was the one, and a few years into their marriage, he propositioned her for a threesome.

After her divorce I asked if she should have seen signs of this man having this type of mindset and she said "heck no!" he appeared to be a monogamous type of person and never mentioned these 'open' sexual interests until years and years later.

Been too long I forgot the whole scenario but goes to show how people change. 

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