How do I break up and get him to stay in my life

[Berryberrygood]

My bf and I are good friends. I dont have any family or any very close friends, I love him but we have different goals for relationships (I want marriage/kids he doesnt). ive decided I dont want to sleep with him anymore I want to be with someone intimately who feels like their feelings will build toward something more serious and thereforeeee i dont think we would have an intimate/successful enough relationship anymore. Too much conflict with goals/lack of intamacy. But he's pretty much the only friend I have. I try to hang out more with other female friends but I havent got a strong connection with any of them. they have bf/husbands or whatever. id like to still be friends b/cause we have a lot in common but he told me early in the relationship he didnt think he could be friends for at least a year after a commited relationship. what can i do? I dont want to loose my friend but im tired of settling in a relationship i know he doesnt want to grow in.

[DN]

If you break up with him you have to be prepared to lose him as a friend and respect his decision if that is what he wants. Remember that relationships are not just about what one person wants; he has made his position clear and it is not what you want, so you have decided to break up with him.

 

But you can't set the terms of the break-up - he has the right to decide what is in his best interests just as you have the right to decide what is in yours.

[shes2smart]

he told me early in the relationship he didnt think he could be friends for at least a year after a commited relationship. what can i do? I dont want to loose my friend but im tired of settling in a relationship i know he doesnt want to grow in.

 

You can't make him do anything. If he needs to cut off contact with you in order to heal after your break-up, it would be incredibly selfish of you to try to deny him that just because you're lonely. The only thing you can do is talk to him about it and see if he's perhaps changed his opinion. If he says he needs time to himself, you need to respect that and leave him be.

 

If you're tired of "settling" then you need to cut all ties so you can be truly single & available to find someone whose relationship goals better match your own. I've been at that stage where I KNEW I was ready to get married. My bf at the time was not. So, I had to pack my stuff and go. If you still have contact with the ex and you start dating others....that is a red flag for some people and they won't continue to date you, perhaps assuming that you're not over your ex.

 

In the aftermath of this proposed break-up you will have lots of time on your hands where you'll probably want some distraction. Use this time to make friends by taking classes (anything you're interested in from crafts to CPR to horseback riding to something career-related). It doesn't matter what the class is as long as it's something you're interested in. You can also meet friends by volunteering for a charity or social service agency.

 

Let this be a lesson to you for future relationships....while your relationship with your significant other should take priority over other relationships, don't let your relationship with your SO cut you off from all other friendships. In order for you as individuals and you as a couple to be healthy, it's best to have an extended network of friends...some primarily your friends, some primarily his friends, and some that are friends of you as a couple. It does take time and effort to maintain these relationships, but the payoff if you do is this: You won't get caught in a situation like you're in now where your significant other is pretty much your ONLY social outlet. Here's the other payoff: you won't be one of those women who drops all her single girlfriends when she gets a bf or gets married.

 

Over the years, I've learned value my non-romantic friends. I don't count many in this group (maybe 4 or 5 people, tops). But those 4 or 5 have been there for me through many a failed relationship, health crisis, family crap and more. They still deserve my time and attention after I said "I do," so I make the time to maintain those relationships.

[Berryberrygood]

Youre right, I guess Im stuck Im just not ready to loose a friend and I do love him. Ive got to get a life!!!!!! LOL! Geeze

[arwen]

I think DN and Shes2smart are right. I understand you are afraid to be lonely yourself if you break up with him. However, this can be the moment for you to start re-organising this part of your life. That is, trying to establish new friendships. I think you will both regret it if you stay in the relationship longer than the love lasted, if you know what I mean.

 

Ilse.

[Liquidius]

If you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, you're going to have to leave it. Losing the friendship of someone like this is a risk that is taken entering a relationship - but it'd be more unfair on him, as well as you to stick with this.

 

You may lose a friend now, but think in the long term. When I was dumped by an ex whey back, I didnt talk to him for over a year, but now we're good mates Time's a healer.

[RayKay]

Well, when you break up with someone you have to keep in mind they need to heal too, and often that means they cannot be in contact with you for a while, or at least very limited contact. You have prepared for the break up, they have not....so they have not resolved it in their mind yet as you have. It is confusing, painful and sometimes staying in contact just hurts too darn much, as is trying to be "friends" with someone you want more with.

 

It is a risk you must take - there is no guarantee you will be friends in the future, but it is certainly possible to be. But you will both need time - you don't want to be giving him false hope by trying to be best friends right after either, and it often prevents both of you from moving on.

 

It is good you recognize that you share such different goals and that you know you deserve to meet someone who shares the same as you. It is only fair that you do have children/family with someone willing, rather then deny that to yourself. Don't stay with him just to have a friend, that is not fair to him or you, and will only make things more painful and uncomfortable. Leave, and work on rebuilding your life and finding your lost friends, and new friends again. In time, maybe you can add him to your list of friends found again.

 

And maybe from this experience learn that friends and other ties outside your relationship are important, not just for you but for the health of the relationship as well. I have limited friends as I always have (I have always been independent, and had more fun hanging with the boys then the girls due to my interests), but they are close friends, and then I have my hang out and have fun with casual friends too, and of course my family whom I love dearly! It is hard to find time for them as I am terribly busy and have a relationship too, but I do value them and make some time for them. I learned in the past too, from cutting off many friends, or losing many from lack of time and attention - it made it scarier to be alone for sure, so I know how you feel. But don't stay for that - you can make new friends, I promise