I broke NC when drunk...

[salmonhead_uk]

What a plonker i am!

So, things are much better. Haven't spoken to him/seen him/text/emailled/phoned ANYTHING in 2 weeks. Before this though i didn't see my ex boyf (who cheated on me, dumped me, and seems to now have a serious drug/drink thing going on) but still text.

After writing him a letter and getting a text saying this wasn't short term and he's happy and relaxed now I have been totally good. My life is getting better and better - uni going well, hooking up with old friends, losing weight, dancing and smiling with no chip on my shoulder.

But then in the afternoons or night i get sad. Don't know why, it just hits me BAM! and im sad and want him to love me again.

Mostly I text a close friend anything i would send to him - so i can get the thoughts off my chest but not let him know them.

Then yesterday drunken in a club i sent him 2 texts. Idiot. Can't believe i lowered my dignity yet again.

They basically said;

Assume you are ok. i am well, having a good time and really enjoying social stuff and seeing mates. still have no interest in anyone else and feel like there's still one guy for me.which sucks.guess in a few more months it'll get better. i miss my best friend, but you aren't that anymore are you? Where did you go?

 

And then another:

That last text was ridiculous. I don't want a response or anymore i don't want you anymore replies. Who are you now XXXXX? I hope oneday you feel as betrayed as i do; to be trampled on by you and then by your family spreading lies about me when i cant defend myself, i know you love them but that is so low. what have you become?

 

I felt really annoyed the moment i did it, but then i spoke to my friend and said that it doesn't matter - it's not like I begged for him, but maybe i just got what i needed off my chest, and to stop worrying about how he might think Im pathetic for still feeling upset, and start only caring about how i feel and that if i want to send him something i have every right (his brothers girlfriend had an affair - confided in me - she told her boyfriend - the brother and her broke up - 3 weeks later she's back - and im a pathalogical liar apparently and made it up...killed as obviously no-one is sticking up for me. (I got emails, texts from ppl to tell me what a horrid person i was...hello? just been dumped for no reason other than one guys selfishness).

 

But then, that's not my family nor my friendship group - never really were anyway as i abhored how many drugs they took, so i should have kept strong and left them to it. But i was so cross with him i guess i had to let him no it - and when drunk those kind of things happen. At least he hasn't text so is respecting my wishes (though i will admit i did think he'd call to check when he found out i knew the gossip being spread - he's always been there to support me and now has just totally changed...how can people just swap and change their personalities? I guess though, as a male friend who knew him said, he's been doing drugs in secret from me at least 5 times a week, he never was what i thought he was, and now he's released me i am far better off.

 

Anyway, sorry that's so long. No-one usually replies to me, but if anyone does have same experience on going back on NC after really thinking you are being good and strong then please write - it would really cheer me.

Ciao, xx

[DN]

Don't worry about it. When you are 'tired and emotional' you sometimes do things that are not very wise but this is not earth-shattering and you probably didn't tell him anything he doesn't already know.

 

I guess the best thing is to continue to heal and get past him. You are in the 'anger' stage right now, soon will come acceptance, in the real sense, and then you will nearly be past it.

 

Good luck.

[iamonlyhuman]

It natural to break NC within that time span, and it takes time to get used to the idea, its still early days, but don't beat yourself up about it...you made a mistake, except it, continue where you left off with NC and what you were doing before all this happened...!

[reflectionlessmirror]

Atleast you have guilt for doing this. You know better, you have the alcohol to blame. If nothing else your post helped me...I am also in the very early stages of NC and i am attending awedding tonight. i have already planned on avoiding alcohol becasue i know i get all mushy and sappy and will miss him. The good thing about NC is that you can alwasy start over again. it stinks becasue youhave to go through the early stages all over again, but you have to start somewhere! (or should i say "stop" somewhere, heheehe) DONT CALL HIM AGAIN! You hear! If you want to call him get online and pm me all the crap youwant to tell him, i wont mind...I will probably relate to it!

[salmonhead_uk]

AND TWO DAYS LATER HE TEXTS ME BACK!!!!

Godsake - this wears me out now - nearly to passed caring ( i can't wait for the day i will be).

He text to say:

Of course i'd text you, im not a heartless b'stard. glad to hear u been having fun and socialising it's important. i know you think ive become someone else but is just not the case and i hope you c that sometime. i never wanted to hurt you but i could'nt carry on like a happy couple coz we werent.

 

HEART IN MOUTH. should have left it but did typical stupid thing and replied like a dignity lacking eejit:

No. I know. I just love you so much. u don' t believe me but i have never felt this way for neone. i wish i could make us happy.u made me happy up until march i guess wen u werent as into me as i knew deepdown.bt then i took you for granted n chained you in. i want 2b w you for so many reasons. i know we got stressy. XXXX wot can i do? how can i win you back?ur so fXXXin special to me. Plus i don't know any couples that don't go thru rough patches. but i want to work it out - and you don't. look im writing you love essays again.im sorry.my hearts pounding.i cu in all i do guess im a true romantic, or i drink too much beer!

 

WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY DID I DO IT!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

His reply:

I care for you alot and i dont' want u 2 hurt. but im happier now than iv been in a whilen i don't want that to sound horrid coz it's not an attack on you, it's just how we were.

 

My reply:

I agree withyou. I am happier too. but i want to share that with you. i want to be able to come back to you in the evening n try not to hang on to you so much. i want u 2b happy n i want to be the person who can do that.im not the same as i was.im not a misery anymore. but i still think of you all the time.i want to hold your hand, kiss you, and XXXX your brains out - nice he?!y wont you try? y did i bring you down? i wish i was less full-on.I I I BLEURGH!

 

So what a stupid b%$£h i am. I couldn't just leave it. I had to go and beg again, i had to give him his little ego trip and knock a few more points off of mine. Suprisingly it's been 2 hours and i never did get a reply.

 

How do you get over someone. Time and NC. Grrrrrrrr! i want him in my life and there just feels like this thread. My friend says he's over me but wants you to dangle there - thats why he did reply in the end and why it still mentions him not wanting me to think badly of him but at the same time tellin me he's happy...if he is and truly wants me to be better why keep on saying IM HAPPY NOW - ITS NOT YOU IT WAS US --- constant little digs at me...constantly allowing me to be ready for him if he came back - and like a sad sack im only too happy to take the bait.

 

God, its terrible to say it - i know - but i really love and miss this man. I really do.

[auburnslp]

I know how you feel-it's very hard to get over someone we love.

 

But I have to tell you that it sounds like he is done. I don't believe there is anything you can say or do right now to change that. It seems like it is time, as hard as it is, to begin to accept that and start working on dealing with your pain and eventually moving on, rather than having all the hope you seem to have in getting him back.

 

Who knows? As time goes by, with no contact between you, he might change his mind, might start missing you and want to try again. Or he might not. But it seems to be completely out of your control right now, so the only thing to do is to let go, in small ways each day, accept the pain, use friends and family for support. It's a long hard road, I am still on it after a year. But I will tell you that time does make it better. Trust me on that.

 

My best to you...and my prayers and hope for you and your healing...Michael

[Reilly2856]

Hey don't feel bad about telling him how you feel....who knows, maybe his horrid behaviour may just help you get over him. It is never easy to get over someone, but I find what helps most, is to stop dewelling on the good times you had, and more on the problems or their behaviour towards you. Situations such as you experienced recently will give you the anger to get over him. Take time away from everything that reminds you of him, stay occupied, and next time you get drunk, make sure your friend holds on to your cell...remove the temptation. Take care. Hope you feel better soon.

[salmonhead_uk]

HE TEXT AGAIN.....

ok whats the deal here - i've dumped ppl before and always allowed them to get over it - is he just a total numbskull?

 

He text (completely missing the point and reading what he wanted to in response to my message):

 

I didn't realise you were still horny. I've calmed down a lot now! Can't believe you still want me like that, i want you too, but if we did i dont think it'd be a happy affair. it would just hurt more and kill it.

 

HUH?! That was a flip comment in the middle of a message. For godsakes. Why is he enjoying the attention so bad? Or is he really still just caring and not aware that although he's over it im not and stuff like that is just more fuel for the fire?

 

I text back:

Yeah! I know, but you were single up until 19 so very self-sufficient! It wasn't about sex, it's all part of missing you is all. I'm trying to stay away from anything to do with you - including your family and friends who keep talking chinese whispers and that stops me healing. Im not hurt now - it eases. Only want the best for you sweetie.

 

Shouldnt have should i?

 

Reply:

Thank you. I hate chinesey whispers - don't even go there. I won't comment on what other ppl have said but i want you to remember that i care about you and want you to be happy. I want the best things for you in life, and smiles.

 

Well, i shan't text back. He doesn't mean to make me hopeful in what he says i realise, and if his take on my message was purely that i wanted sex regardless of whether we are together then his brainwaves are far far off mine! My friends say it's just a nice ego trip - he enjoys getting the messages and then leaves it a couple of days so he can get a bit more attention when he needs it.

I just don't know anymore. Well - i do - it's like you've all said, he doesn't want me back, well at least not now. I personally think there is more to what ever he is up to than there seems, i.e., he isn't into anyone else even after 2 months nearly - never had a girl before me, and that he's taking the easy route to doing drugs and drinking without a girl who he'll have to put first. It's plain selfishness but he has every right to do that. I do think in time he'll be sad he gave up...he said right when we first split he loved me and thought i was great but that we didn't work as a pair. Which is true. I guess, not without both of us compromising - and if he can't do that for me then im lucky.

I just wish he'd stop with the telling me he's having a good time, and patronising me at every step with this 'grown-up' attitude about wanting me to be happy - why keep on justifying it if he's really that happy?! I guess it's hard for the dumper just as it is for the dumpee and everyone acts differently. But if had my best interests at heart (haha!) he'd leave it all alone wouldn't he?

 

Must remember:

He took drugs secretly and in front of me even though i hated it

He was mean to me and called me selfish when diagnosed with depression

He expected me to follow him around all the time and even if ignored all night to go back to his and want him

He CHEATED on me with another girl - under the influence - and didn't even tell me, he let her do that.

 

No wonder he's happier - i must have constantly reminded him of what an a-hole he was with my straight life, exercise, degree work, and loving behaviour!!!