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My cousin is ignoring me


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I have a cousin,she is my dad's younger brother's daughter,she is 7 year younger to me,I love her a lot,i used to teach her everything,and i brought her whatever she asked,dresses,mobile,tab ,whatever she wants.She also used to share everything about her life with me.She used to take my opinion before taking any decision,I was a very important part of her life,and i know she has a boyfriend.Once her 12th class completed,her marks was not upto the expectation and she was down.I gave her lot of confidence,i gave my entire time to console her and lift up her confidence,her father was very angry and scolding her about her marks ,but i called him and begged him not to do that,and i also suggested her to join BCA(bachelor of computer application) and she took my advice and joined.I sacrificed lot of things in my life for her,whatever i earned,never spent on myself,i always used to think what can i buy her,what surpises i can give to make her happy.And even in my free time i used to sit and teach her for 6 to 7 hours,so that she can make good in exams.So i was living her life.

But after 1st sem in BCA,she started ignoring me,when i asked ,first she told me she is very busy,then i started feeling very low,i started asking again again,she kept on ignoring me,finally one day she told,"you are a very boring person,i dont like boys like you,you dont have attitude,you dont do any stylish things,i dont like you",i was heartbroken,after that i asked her many times,i told her "i have sacrificed many things for you,please dont treat me like this,it hurts when the person you love say such things",then she said "yes,you did lot of things for me,but its nothing special".I never scolded her,never mistreated her,even when she insulted me,i replied very calmly even though i was in pain.

She was my world,after listening to many hurtful things she said,i went to depression.I begged her,I cried,for almost 6 months i begged her to talk with me like before,but she refused,but all those 6 months,i taught her many things related to her syllabus,brought her whatever she asked,gave her lot of money,coz i though after doing all these,atleast she will speak with me like before,but once i gave her what she asked,she used to gave lame reasons to ignore me again and again,i was mentally down,so finaly one day i decided to leave her and started to live for myself,so i told her "I tried my level best to keep you in my life,but you kept on ignoring me and not even single day u never asked how i'am,so now its out of my hand,you are never going to see me in your life",Then she suddnely started saying i wasnt feeling well,i have lot of health issues,i have that,i have this.I trust her blindly,and i thought its not a humane thing to leave the person u loved when they are feeling unwell.For 2 days,she gave me quick replies to my messages,after that she again started ignoring me.Now im back to zero,again i have to get that courage to leave her

Please give me some suggestions

 

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She's too young for you.  You two are two closely related.  You can't buy people's affections. 

I would back off.  Go live your life with people your own age.  Be cordial to her at family gatherings but nothing else.  

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I could've written something similar to your post regarding some relatives and extended family members who've wronged and tested me sorely.  ☹️  I can relate because I too gave so much of myself just like you only for the recipient to treat me like ________.  That's the "thanks" I received.  Like you,  I too felt very hurt but I'll take it a step further.  I felt bitter,  resentful and as if I wasted many years of my life,  time,  labor,  energy,  efforts,  sincere goodwill and money on people who didn't deserve it. 

Like you,  I had a groveling mindset and while I actually did that (grovel) twice with each individual in the past,  I remind myself daily not to repeat my same mistakes because it's pathetic and pitiful to even entertain that absurd idea.  Should you go that route,  they'll play mind games with you and they'll dish out their ________ to you. 

I have a new mindset which might help you change the way you think.  Only treat people the way they treat you meaning if they don't give a _________ about you,  do likewise and don't give a __________ about them either.  It works both ways.  Don't you see?  🫢

If there's mutual kindness and effort put forth to make the relationship continue to thrive in lockstep,  then of course participate and bring joy and support to the relationship.  However,  if you feel as if you're doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship afloat or sense your generosity of time,  labor, energy and resources are being taken advantage of,  cease your altruism or in the very least,  do the minimum to nil.  Ensure that the balance is equal and not lopsided where you're getting the short end of the deal.

Regardless of whoever it is,  don't over do it with being nice.  Sure,  remain well mannered and respectful while knowing your bounds.  This is the type of world we live in.   This way,  you won't feel as if a person did all the taking while you did all the giving.  It took me a long time to arrive at this conclusion.  This hard lesson came at the expense of a lot of emotional _________ courtesy of narcissists from my past. 

Save yourself a lot of current and future grief by changing your tack.  Become shrewd and you won't get hurt anymore because you'll no longer allow it and you'll no longer grant permission to people to use you. 

My suggestion is to create a new world for yourself.  Take great care of your health for starters.  Find your own interests whether it's hobbies,  doing something productive and industrious at the home front,  immerse yourself into your career and surround yourself with very moral people.  Before you know it,  you'll feel relieved to rid yourself of people who were not worth the dirt you stand upon.  Get very busy.  Then you won't have the time,  energy nor brain space to care about people who don't matter.  Consider them yesterday's trash because they certainly treated you this way.  Be good to yourself and protect your dignity at all costs.  No one else will do it for you except you.

I've noticed the happiest people are the toughest and most resolute.  They stand by their convictions and never budge.  This is how they're good to themselves.  Happy people don't get tangled up with unstable people.  They steer clear and create a safe bubble for themselves.  You ought to try this strategy.  It works very well.  👍 🤗

Should you cross paths with your cousin in the future,  follow her cue.  If she ignores you,  do likewise.  If she's frosty and polite,  do likewise.  If she continues to keep her distance from you,  do likewise.   Emulate her so the dynamic is fair and equal.  What goes around,  comes around. 

Tread lightly.  Once you realize what a person is capable of,  become very wary and jaded.  You can't trust those who've mistreated you.  If you naively dare to trust again,  they'll repeat abusing you and play you for a fool.  Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me.  No good deed goes unpunished.  😒

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It's nice when you can have a supportive and friendly relationship with a cousin, but clearly you were way over-the-top invested in an unhealthy way.

Sounds more like you have a crush on her, and poured every bit of energy into her while ignoring other relationships you could've been building with platonic friends and finding a girlfriend. I'm guessing you put all your eggs in one basket and that she was your only source of a social outlet. Hence the reason you cried when things changed for the worse plus you threatened her with expulsion from your life if she didn't go back to the way she used to treat you. You are way out of line and your behavior is concerning.

With your age difference, you've been more in the role of a parental figure in her eyes. And so it's totally natural that when a teen leaves high school and is entering university, it's important and very healthy for her to gain independence by lessening contact with parents and adult figures who are in that sort of role. It's her time to spread her wings and to naturally want to spend time with peeps her own age. 

I bet she tried to be kind, at first, when trying to gain some distance from you. But when that didn't work and you continued to cling like a barnacle, play mind gains, guilt trips, etc., she had to get mean and insulting with you as a last resort.

It's time, as others have said, to build some satisfying relationships outside of this cousin relationship. Do not punish this girl for doing exactly what she needs to be doing. Let her be your guide in choosing when and how much time she wants to spend with you, which won't happen until you calm the hell down and get your emotions to a healthy level about her. If she chooses never to be involved with you again, I wouldn't blame her, because your behavior seems like obsession. Therapy will be a good tool for you to seek out so you will never place yourself in this type of situation again.

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8 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

I love her a lot,i used to teach her everything,and i brought her whatever she asked,dresses,mobile,tab ,whatever she wants.

And by that you created a brat that is behaving like one. Ungrateful brat who doesnt respect you because she knows that you will do anything for her regardless of what she does. I mean look at this.

8 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

I begged her,I cried,for almost 6 months i begged her to talk with me like before,but she refused,but all those 6 months,i taught her many things related to her syllabus,brought her whatever she asked,gave her lot of money,coz i though after doing all these,atleast she will speak with me like before,but once i gave her what she asked,she used to gave lame reasons to ignore me again and again

How do you expect her to respect you with that kind of behavior? Beg her to talk to you by giving her a lot of money and gifts? You should have cut her off until she shows some respect. And instead you just "fed" her bad behavior. What kind of a role model are you and what are you teaching her with that behavior of yours?

Also, yes, maybe its a cultural thing, but its weird that you behave like that with your cousin. What do you expect in return? Friendship? 

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The problem is both sides didn't cooperate by having an in depth,  empathetic,  preferably in person conversation minus all distractions.  Whenever there aren't any grievances aired,  a lot of people take the easy route but completely and abruptly ignoring you and not wording their opinions diplomatically.  It requires less effort to be unkind than put forth the energy to be tactful. 

This world would be a better place if two disagreeable parties were to have a thorough discussion regarding how to resolve issues.  If it's impossible,  at least part ways gracefully with gratitude and regrets.  Remorse would be welcomed but you won't receive it the majority of time.

Some people act like spoiled brats if you've showered them with your over zealous attention,  gifts,  help,  information,  money,  time and energy.  When they're done with you,  they don't need you anymore so you're conveniently discarded.  This is the way of the world.  Grow accustomed to this type of dismissive behavior.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  😒

This is a reality check lesson for you.  Be nice but not excessively nice in all of your capacities.  Hence,  you'll no longer be hurt nor disappointed in those who have no qualms doing all the taking from you and taking advantage of your generosity. 

You'll be amazed by sudden extra time for yourself.  Stop neglecting yourself.  Pamper yourself and focus on self care instead of diverting your wasted energies onto others.  Another perk is realizing that you can save tremendous amounts of money when you save it for yourself and do what you will whether it's treating yourself or saving it as opposed to again,  spending your hard money on those who don't appreciate you. 

Change how you think and act because you'll learn quickly how to protect yourself and gain everything in your favor. 😊

Your negative experience was not all in vain.  Learn from it,  recalibrate yourself and start anew.  Consider it wisdom gained so you can navigate your life more shrewdly from this day forward.  👍 🙂

Don't treat people as they deserve to be put on a pedestal.  They're not more important than you.  Treat yourself better by being kind to yourself.  Never allow yourself to be used at someone else's disposal.  You're better than that and you're more important!  Prioritize yourself instead of devoting yourself to ungrateful,  spoiled brats. 

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4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The problem is both sides didn't cooperate by having an in depth,  empathetic,  preferably in person conversation minus all distractions.  Whenever there aren't any grievances aired,  a lot of people take the easy route but completely and abruptly ignoring you and not wording their opinions diplomatically.  It requires less effort to be unkind than put forth the energy to be tactful. 

This world would be a better place if two disagreeable parties were to have a thorough discussion regarding how to resolve issues.  If it's impossible,  at least part ways gracefully with gratitude and regrets.  Remorse would be welcomed but you won't receive it the majority of time.

Some people act like spoiled brats if you've showered them with your over zealous attention,  gifts,  help,  information,  money,  time and energy.  When they're done with you,  they don't need you anymore so you're conveniently discarded.  This is the way of the world.  Grow accustomed to this type of dismissive behavior.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  😒

This is a reality check lesson for you.  Be nice but not excessively nice in all of your capacities.  Hence,  you'll no longer be hurt nor disappointed in those who have no qualms doing all the taking from you and taking advantage of your generosity. 

You'll be amazed by sudden extra time for yourself.  Stop neglecting yourself.  Pamper yourself and focus on self care instead of diverting your wasted energies onto others.  Another perk is realizing that you can save tremendous amounts of money when you save it for yourself and do what you will whether it's treating yourself or saving it as opposed to again,  spending your hard money on those who don't appreciate you. 

Change how you think and act because you'll learn quickly how to protect yourself and gain everything in your favor. 😊

Your negative experience was not all in vain.  Learn from it,  recalibrate yourself and start anew.  Consider it wisdom gained so you can navigate your life more shrewdly from this day forward.  👍 🙂

Don't treat people as they deserve to be put on a pedestal.  They're not more important than you.  Treat yourself better by being kind to yourself.  Never allow yourself to be used at someone else's disposal.  You're better than that and you're more important!  Prioritize yourself instead of devoting yourself to ungrateful,  spoiled brats. 

Thank you so much for your words🥹🥹🥹😇😇

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9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The problem is both sides didn't cooperate by having an in depth,  empathetic,  preferably in person conversation minus all distractions.  Whenever there aren't any grievances aired,  a lot of people take the easy route but completely and abruptly ignoring you and not wording their opinions diplomatically.  It requires less effort to be unkind than put forth the energy to be tactful. 

This world would be a better place if two disagreeable parties were to have a thorough discussion regarding how to resolve issues.  If it's impossible,  at least part ways gracefully with gratitude and regrets.  Remorse would be welcomed but you won't receive it the majority of time.

Some people act like spoiled brats if you've showered them with your over zealous attention,  gifts,  help,  information,  money,  time and energy.  When they're done with you,  they don't need you anymore so you're conveniently discarded.  This is the way of the world.  Grow accustomed to this type of dismissive behavior.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  😒

This is a reality check lesson for you.  Be nice but not excessively nice in all of your capacities.  Hence,  you'll no longer be hurt nor disappointed in those who have no qualms doing all the taking from you and taking advantage of your generosity. 

You'll be amazed by sudden extra time for yourself.  Stop neglecting yourself.  Pamper yourself and focus on self care instead of diverting your wasted energies onto others.  Another perk is realizing that you can save tremendous amounts of money when you save it for yourself and do what you will whether it's treating yourself or saving it as opposed to again,  spending your hard money on those who don't appreciate you. 

Change how you think and act because you'll learn quickly how to protect yourself and gain everything in your favor. 😊

Your negative experience was not all in vain.  Learn from it,  recalibrate yourself and start anew.  Consider it wisdom gained so you can navigate your life more shrewdly from this day forward.  👍 🙂

Don't treat people as they deserve to be put on a pedestal.  They're not more important than you.  Treat yourself better by being kind to yourself.  Never allow yourself to be used at someone else's disposal.  You're better than that and you're more important!  Prioritize yourself instead of devoting yourself to ungrateful,  spoiled brats. 

Thanks for the words,but i have a question,how to hold back if she comes back asking for help,if I say "no" ,it will hurt her right?

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14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I could've written something similar to your post regarding some relatives and extended family members who've wronged and tested me sorely.  ☹️  I can relate because I too gave so much of myself just like you only for the recipient to treat me like ________.  That's the "thanks" I received.  Like you,  I too felt very hurt but I'll take it a step further.  I felt bitter,  resentful and as if I wasted many years of my life,  time,  labor,  energy,  efforts,  sincere goodwill and money on people who didn't deserve it. 

Like you,  I had a groveling mindset and while I actually did that (grovel) twice with each individual in the past,  I remind myself daily not to repeat my same mistakes because it's pathetic and pitiful to even entertain that absurd idea.  Should you go that route,  they'll play mind games with you and they'll dish out their ________ to you. 

I have a new mindset which might help you change the way you think.  Only treat people the way they treat you meaning if they don't give a _________ about you,  do likewise and don't give a __________ about them either.  It works both ways.  Don't you see?  🫢

If there's mutual kindness and effort put forth to make the relationship continue to thrive in lockstep,  then of course participate and bring joy and support to the relationship.  However,  if you feel as if you're doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship afloat or sense your generosity of time,  labor, energy and resources are being taken advantage of,  cease your altruism or in the very least,  do the minimum to nil.  Ensure that the balance is equal and not lopsided where you're getting the short end of the deal.

Regardless of whoever it is,  don't over do it with being nice.  Sure,  remain well mannered and respectful while knowing your bounds.  This is the type of world we live in.   This way,  you won't feel as if a person did all the taking while you did all the giving.  It took me a long time to arrive at this conclusion.  This hard lesson came at the expense of a lot of emotional _________ courtesy of narcissists from my past. 

Save yourself a lot of current and future grief by changing your tack.  Become shrewd and you won't get hurt anymore because you'll no longer allow it and you'll no longer grant permission to people to use you. 

My suggestion is to create a new world for yourself.  Take great care of your health for starters.  Find your own interests whether it's hobbies,  doing something productive and industrious at the home front,  immerse yourself into your career and surround yourself with very moral people.  Before you know it,  you'll feel relieved to rid yourself of people who were not worth the dirt you stand upon.  Get very busy.  Then you won't have the time,  energy nor brain space to care about people who don't matter.  Consider them yesterday's trash because they certainly treated you this way.  Be good to yourself and protect your dignity at all costs.  No one else will do it for you except you.

I've noticed the happiest people are the toughest and most resolute.  They stand by their convictions and never budge.  This is how they're good to themselves.  Happy people don't get tangled up with unstable people.  They steer clear and create a safe bubble for themselves.  You ought to try this strategy.  It works very well.  👍 🤗

Should you cross paths with your cousin in the future,  follow her cue.  If she ignores you,  do likewise.  If she's frosty and polite,  do likewise.  If she continues to keep her distance from you,  do likewise.   Emulate her so the dynamic is fair and equal.  What goes around,  comes around. 

Tread lightly.  Once you realize what a person is capable of,  become very wary and jaded.  You can't trust those who've mistreated you.  If you naively dare to trust again,  they'll repeat abusing you and play you for a fool.  Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me.  No good deed goes unpunished.  😒

Yes correct,I will take your words,Thank you

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12 hours ago, Andrina said:

Hence the reason you cried when things changed for the worse plus you threatened her with expulsion from your life if she didn't go back to the way she used to treat you. You are way out of line and your behavior is concerning.

I didnt threaten her,I told her "if she dont like to be with me,its ok,till now i was thinking only about your life,its time for me to work on myself"

 

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

With your age difference, you've been more in the role of a parental figure in her eyes. And so it's totally natural that when a teen leaves high school and is entering university, it's important and very healthy for her to gain independence by lessening contact with parents and adult figures who are in that sort of role. It's her time to spread her wings and to naturally want to spend time with peeps her own age. 

May be in U.S but in India,everything is under the control of parents,even for boys,parents gave a restricted freedom,its not like "i'am adult now,i will do whatever i want without parents permission"

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

I bet she tried to be kind, at first, when trying to gain some distance from you. But when that didn't work and you continued to cling like a barnacle, play mind gains, guilt trips, etc., she had to get mean and insulting with you as a last resort.

She is always straight forward with me,if she had a real reason,if she could have told me that,I would have accepted it and moved on .If she really wanted me out of her life she wouldnt have came to me whenever there is a problem.She always comes to me when there is a problem,coz she knows I will help her no matter how much she insults me

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

Let her be your guide in choosing when and how much time she wants to spend with you, which won't happen until you calm the hell down and get your emotions to a healthy level about her. If she chooses never to be involved with you again, I wouldn't blame her, because your behavior seems like obsession.

If i was obsessed,I would have forced her to speak with me,instead I requested her with respect,let me tell one more thing,when she is in need,if i reply to her text even 2 minutes late,she will get angry ,but when I text her,she will take 10 to 15 hours to reply to that messages.If she chooses to be never involved with me again,then its fine,but isnt it right for her to cut the relationship completely,instead of giving me hope.

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2 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

if she dont like to be with me,its ok,till now i was thinking only about your life,its time for me to work on myself"

This sounds manipulative and hostile.  And weirdly focused on her life.  It's irrelevant to her whether you will "work on yourself" -and why can't  you do this "work" whatever that means AND be friendly with people -isn't part of the "work" of personal growth having healthy communication with people? She is not obligated to "give you hope" and perhaps she is not responding because she is not comfortable with how you interact with her.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds manipulative and hostile.  And weirdly focused on her life.  It's irrelevant to her whether you will "work on yourself" -and why can't  you do this "work" whatever that means AND be friendly with people -isn't part of the "work" of personal growth having healthy communication with people? She is not obligated to "give you hope" and perhaps she is not responding because she is not comfortable with how you interact with her.

See,when you are with someone since you are a kid,and you love them a lot,and they changed suddenly with you,its not easy to accept,I couldnt able to focus on my life because most of the time she is ignoring as if i dont exist and comes to me only when she needs help,thats why told her,its better to cut off this relationship and continue with our life if she is not comfortable with me,she is not ready to accept that also.

If i Dont cut off completly,it will be like a circle

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It gets to a point where it's just too much. She needs to spread her wings and create her own life. What you were doing was not appropriate for a cousin to cousin relationship. You were treating her like as if she was your GF. Not kool. She feels smothered. Stop being so driven to have someone like you or appreciate you. She knows you are being a suck up. That's why she told you she likes guys that have attitude...confidence in themselves, that they are not spending money and time on people pleasing to be liked. You need to get your head on straight, move on and focus on your own life.

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6 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

Thanks for the words,but i have a question,how to hold back if she comes back asking for help,if I say "no" ,it will hurt her right?

So what if she's hurt?  Actions have consequences.  She chose to be horrid to you.  She will need to apologize & make it up to you before you start giving her everything again.  

She's proven herself to be entitled & mean.  If she comes back & you just resume you giving & her taking, that will simply reinforce her bad behavior.  

Perhaps talk to your aunt & uncle about what she said to you.  They may have some insights.  

She may feel smothered by you & that may be why she acted out.  

I'm not saying that you should manipulate her or punish her but you two may need to reframe your relationship now that you are both adults.  You do need to respect the fact that she is not your GF. 

 

1 hour ago, Shashank naik said:

See,when you are with someone since you are a kid,and you love them a lot,and they changed suddenly with you,its not easy to accept,I couldnt able to focus on my life because most of the time she is ignoring as if i dont exist and comes to me only when she needs help,thats why told her,its better to cut off this relationship and continue with our life if she is not comfortable with me,she is not ready to accept that also.

If i Dont cut off completly,it will be like a circle

You can't cut her off completely.  She is family & you will have to deal with her at every holiday, get together, wedding, funeral etc. 

You need to step back.  Stop calling her.  If she reaches out in kindness be nice.  If she reaches out wanting material things or financial support say no.  

Meanwhile you have to build a life for yourself.  You are far too focused on her.  It's like you are obsessed.  The idea that you can't focus on your own life because she is ignoring you is seriously unhealthy.   It borders on creepy.  If we're feeling it through the internet from your posts, she may have had this outburst because more polite or subtle requests for you to leave her alone were not being heard or respected by you.  

Let her live her life.  Be civil when you see her but stop pursuing her or being obsessed by her. 

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53 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

So what if she's hurt?  Actions have consequences.  She chose to be horrid to you.  She will need to apologize & make it up to you before you start giving her everything again.  

She's proven herself to be entitled & mean.  If she comes back & you just resume you giving & her taking, that will simply reinforce her bad behavior.  

Perhaps talk to your aunt & uncle about what she said to you.  They may have some insights.  

She may feel smothered by you & that may be why she acted out.  

I'm not saying that you should manipulate her or punish her but you two may need to reframe your relationship now that you are both adults.  You do need to respect the fact that she is not your GF. 

 

You can't cut her off completely.  She is family & you will have to deal with her at every holiday, get together, wedding, funeral etc. 

You need to step back.  Stop calling her.  If she reaches out in kindness be nice.  If she reaches out wanting material things or financial support say no.  

Meanwhile you have to build a life for yourself.  You are far too focused on her.  It's like you are obsessed.  The idea that you can't focus on your own life because she is ignoring you is seriously unhealthy.   It borders on creepy.  If we're feeling it through the internet from your posts, she may have had this outburst because more polite or subtle requests for you to leave her alone were not being heard or respected by you.  

Let her live her life.  Be civil when you see her but stop pursuing her or being obsessed by her. 

Ok,thanks,yea,its been 2 days,i havent sent her any text,i made rules to myself to check my phone every 2 hours,so im checking my phone only 8 times a day,and like you said im leaving her alone like she wants.And holding myself back not to text her.

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7 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

Thanks for the words,but i have a question,how to hold back if she comes back asking for help,if I say "no" ,it will hurt her right?

You hold back by not forgetting negative memories of how she mistreated and disrespected you sorely.  Let that bad memory be your guide and reminder not to fall prey to the same disastrous relationship.  Never allow history to repeat itself. 

Will it hurt her?  No.  She'll be disappointed but not hurt.  She'll simply move onto easier suckers or  foolhardy prey in the future.  Not that you're foolhardy nor a sucker but generally narcissists and sociopaths simply move onto an easier target. 

Narcissists and sociopaths don't like people who've since developed street smarts.  They tend to pounce on the naive because naive people are easier to take advantage of. 

Naive people provide numerous benefits for predators at your expense.  Perpetrators are sneaky and sly.  Never be easily deceived and betrayed.  Pain from being easily used and discarded is unbearable later.  They're a slick lot so beware.  Danger lurks everywhere so never let your guard down as my wise late FIL (father-in-law) taught me.

Saying, "No"  or simply ignoring is your strongest power.  Your response is giving supply to a narcissist and for them,  it's free for the taking.  Instead of saying or writing "No,"  simply ignore.  Better yet,  block and delete her everywhere.

Change the way you think.  Get tough and learn to protect yourself because no one will do it except you.  Do what makes sense and the sense is sticking with your principles.  Be very selective.  Not everyone deserves to be in your life especially after you've discovered unsavory characters on this Earth.

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In many ways,  I'm similar to you.  I've placed utmost importance upon other people thinking they're better than me and more special than me.  I thought they deserved to be spoiled courtesy of me.   I admit,  it stems from insecurity meaning the desire to be well liked,  win their approval,  receive their praise,  be recognized and accepted.  It's as if my sole purpose was to make others happy.  It is pathetic and pitiful.  ☹️ It's a process to learn and finally realize that I'm sick 'n tired of taking care of others!  I'm exiting the big sister mode mindset entirely.  It's time to pamper and take care of myself! 

People who use you are manipulative and very controlling.  In order for you to be happy,  you have to go along to get along.  You have to play their game if you want their approval and be well liked.   Well,  I say,  "Never take their _______."  Dish it right back by dumping them. 

It would be healthy for you to do a reset of your life as I've done.  Tell yourself that it's better to be alone than feeling lonely from people having their way with you.  To them,  you're merely a need and a vessel.  You're a benefit but love has nothing to do with it.  You're an end to their means.  Nothing else.  They're simply using you for their convenience and you are easily disposable like yesterday's trash.   People like that are truly mentally ill.

Some people have learned long ago "if you can't beat 'em,  join 'em" mentality meaning since everyone else uses everyone else in this world and if you can't win,  you might as well use others, too.  I don't subscribe to this mantra but I have learned that this is the way of the world everywhere.  For a lot of people,  not playing by the rules of human decency is their way of survival. 

You need to think long and hard and be good to yourself.  Be industrious and productive.  Get busy and get things done.  Take great care of your health because there is a strong connection between a sound body and sound mind.  You can't think clearly and sensibly if you're unhealthy.  Surround yourself with moral people and those who know how to behave honorably.  Everyone else is garbage. 

Should you cross paths with your cousin,  remain civil.  Hold your own.  Protect your dignity.  This is how you exude toughness and she'll get your message loud and clear without your effort whatsoever. 

Learn to say, "No."  There is a way of saying, "No" diplomatically.  You can also say, "No, thank you."  No explanations necessary.  No means no.  You can be peaceful while enforcing healthy boundaries. 

I will say the answer "NO" is an unpopular answer because most people prefer agreeable,  approving "yes people" in their lives.  If they're met with declining answers,  it won't bode well but this is not your problem.  They don't like your disapproval.  Again,  it's not your problem to deal with.  That's all on them.  Once others catch wind that you actually have a brain,  you've figured them out and you've got their number (know their motives and can't be fooled),  it's actually a form of respect because they won't bother you anymore.  They've realized you're not as stupid as they originally thought.  🫢

The problem with you and I is that we tend to be in hero mode and want to save the world.  You feel protective and want to be a do-gooder.  While it's commendable,  the problem is,  you forget about yourself and basically transform into a doormat. 

You are worthy.  Always remember that successful dynamics require MUTUAL cultivation,  nurturing and maintenance in order to thrive.  If it's not mutual or in the worst case scenario if you're deceived or betrayed,  you need to dissolve and exit the relationship for your own safety and protection. 

Like you,  sure,  I most certainly miss good times and good memories.  Unfortunately,  people change and they're no longer innocent.  They became very worldly.  This is your cue to bail immediately otherwise you'll live to regret it.  Always eliminate unnecessary baggage,  stress and angst because it feels quite liberating to enjoy this newfound freedom.   It's like receiving a "free get out of jail card." 

I've always observed happy people in my midst and I've noticed the happiest people create their own happiness meaning they never allow undesirables in their life.  They're intelligent enough to decipher who is "off" and who is normal and good.  Be very selective when it comes to people because it will pay in the long run for your enduring happiness,  inner peace, safety and security.

Never allow emotions to cloud your judgement.  Practice discernment because it will save you and leave you unscathed. 

 

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I would look up obsession,  co-dependency, and grooming.

Having had stalkers in my past, your behavior reads as abusive.  No matter how much you've chosen to give a child, it does not mean they owe you anything.  Groomers tend to give expensive gifts.

Why do you need your teenage cousin to report to you every day? Why are you begging with a teenage cousin?  I think you should consider counseling as your little cousin should not be your whole world.

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Now that you know you have a problem...instead of checking your phone for her message...start doing your research to understand why you do what you do and how to break the behavior. Retrain your brain. once you start making head way, you will feel much better about life and your relationships/interactions will improve.

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The best place to start is to love yourself. 💗 Other people are not your identity. 

Never allow anyone to control you. 

You have every right to control your own life and have freedom of choice.  🙂

Caring for others who don't deserve it means you'll end up getting hurt so why set yourself up?  Never make yourself vulnerable to unnecessary stress because they're not worth it.  They don't care about you.  You don't matter to them so return the favor by doing likewise. 

Make yourself extremely expensive and priceless by focusing on self care first and foremost.  Nothing else is more important than focusing on your own well being.

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My friend’s niece turned on her the same way, even despite my friend being respectful of her privacy and independence. She’d said she felt smothered.

 I wouldn’t turn this into an all-or nothing standoff. Most kids turn hate onto their parents at some point, and same may be true of parental figures. I’d consider it a life stage, and I’d merely tell her that my door is open if she ever wants to talk about it, but the bank of ME is closed. There’s no way I’d pour an emotional upheaval onto the kid. That’s your own emotional maladjustment, and that’s not her problem, it’s yours to manage as a responsible adult.

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7 hours ago, Shashank naik said:

Ok,thanks,yea,its been 2 days,i havent sent her any text,i made rules to myself to check my phone every 2 hours,so im checking my phone only 8 times a day,and like you said im leaving her alone like she wants.And holding myself back not to text her.

That just screams obsession (to me) and it's not healthy.  Your cousin has made it clear she feels suffocated by you and to please leave her alone.  You're an adult and surely understand what the word "respect" means.  Please respect her wishes and back off completely.  You are way too interested in a cousin and have no place there (imo).  If someone tells you "no thank you", you respect that and you don't keep badgering them to death.  Leave her be and stop checking your phone 8 times a day.

Perhaps it's time to look into professional help - therapy - to help you overcome this unhealthy obsession.

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There is a reason why acquaintances are very compatible.  It's because there is no intimacy (not physical definition).  We don't cross paths often. 

Too much familiarity breeds contempt. 

Enforce healthy boundaries. 

My best dynamics are "talking about the weather" when it comes to people in my life.   I no longer invest in people anymore either.  I don't get personal.  Conversations in all forms are superficial and very brief.  I don't absorb other people into my life.  I'm consumed with my own life.  I save my time,  energy,  labor,  help and money for myself.  Is it generic?  Yes.  Is it exciting?  No.  However,  the upsides are this:  At the end of the day,  I have 100% guaranteed relaxation,  zero stress,  zero angst,  security,  protection,  safety and peace.  It's an uncomplicated,  unfettered,  unencumbered life.  I've since created my safe haven bubble 🫧.  I sleep well at night, too.  🤗 😴 💤

I only have a few very selective,  close family members and friends in my life.  Everyone else is scattered to the four winds 🌬️ for all I care.  🙄

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11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

In many ways,  I'm similar to you.  I've placed utmost importance upon other people thinking they're better than me and more special than me.  I thought they deserved to be spoiled courtesy of me.   I admit,  it stems from insecurity meaning the desire to be well liked,  win their approval,  receive their praise,  be recognized and accepted.  It's as if my sole purpose was to make others happy.  It is pathetic and pitiful.  ☹️ It's a process to learn and finally realize that I'm sick 'n tired of taking care of others!  I'm exiting the big sister mode mindset entirely.  It's time to pamper and take care of myself! 

People who use you are manipulative and very controlling.  In order for you to be happy,  you have to go along to get along.  You have to play their game if you want their approval and be well liked.   Well,  I say,  "Never take their _______."  Dish it right back by dumping them. 

It would be healthy for you to do a reset of your life as I've done.  Tell yourself that it's better to be alone than feeling lonely from people having their way with you.  To them,  you're merely a need and a vessel.  You're a benefit but love has nothing to do with it.  You're an end to their means.  Nothing else.  They're simply using you for their convenience and you are easily disposable like yesterday's trash.   People like that are truly mentally ill.

Some people have learned long ago "if you can't beat 'em,  join 'em" mentality meaning since everyone else uses everyone else in this world and if you can't win,  you might as well use others, too.  I don't subscribe to this mantra but I have learned that this is the way of the world everywhere.  For a lot of people,  not playing by the rules of human decency is their way of survival. 

You need to think long and hard and be good to yourself.  Be industrious and productive.  Get busy and get things done.  Take great care of your health because there is a strong connection between a sound body and sound mind.  You can't think clearly and sensibly if you're unhealthy.  Surround yourself with moral people and those who know how to behave honorably.  Everyone else is garbage. 

Should you cross paths with your cousin,  remain civil.  Hold your own.  Protect your dignity.  This is how you exude toughness and she'll get your message loud and clear without your effort whatsoever. 

Learn to say, "No."  There is a way of saying, "No" diplomatically.  You can also say, "No, thank you."  No explanations necessary.  No means no.  You can be peaceful while enforcing healthy boundaries. 

I will say the answer "NO" is an unpopular answer because most people prefer agreeable,  approving "yes people" in their lives.  If they're met with declining answers,  it won't bode well but this is not your problem.  They don't like your disapproval.  Again,  it's not your problem to deal with.  That's all on them.  Once others catch wind that you actually have a brain,  you've figured them out and you've got their number (know their motives and can't be fooled),  it's actually a form of respect because they won't bother you anymore.  They've realized you're not as stupid as they originally thought.  🫢

The problem with you and I is that we tend to be in hero mode and want to save the world.  You feel protective and want to be a do-gooder.  While it's commendable,  the problem is,  you forget about yourself and basically transform into a doormat. 

You are worthy.  Always remember that successful dynamics require MUTUAL cultivation,  nurturing and maintenance in order to thrive.  If it's not mutual or in the worst case scenario if you're deceived or betrayed,  you need to dissolve and exit the relationship for your own safety and protection. 

Like you,  sure,  I most certainly miss good times and good memories.  Unfortunately,  people change and they're no longer innocent.  They became very worldly.  This is your cue to bail immediately otherwise you'll live to regret it.  Always eliminate unnecessary baggage,  stress and angst because it feels quite liberating to enjoy this newfound freedom.   It's like receiving a "free get out of jail card." 

I've always observed happy people in my midst and I've noticed the happiest people create their own happiness meaning they never allow undesirables in their life.  They're intelligent enough to decipher who is "off" and who is normal and good.  Be very selective when it comes to people because it will pay in the long run for your enduring happiness,  inner peace, safety and security.

Never allow emotions to cloud your judgement.  Practice discernment because it will save you and leave you unscathed. 

 

Thank you,will try my best to follow whatever you told,but many people here are not understanding my situation,they are directly saying i'm a creep,obsessive.We were close since childhood,and I never thought these days will come where I will become nobody to her.Every mindset is different right,she is the one who used to tell "you are my first priority","you are the best in the world",now she is the one saying "you are boring","you don't have anything I like".Is it this much easy to change feelings on someone.If its easy for me,I would have changed myself within a day.Is it wrong to expect someone to be in your life.I know what im doing is wrong,putting your happiness on others life is not a good thing.I'm ready to move on,but she is not letting me go,she comes back saying "im not feeling well,i have this problem,that problem",I dont know whether she is saying truth or lie,but isn't it bad to leave someone when they are not feeling well.Sometimes I feel like she is just using me whenever she wants and throwing when she dont want.

I told her multiple times,"if you dont like me,if you dont want any connection with me,its your wish,I'm not forcing you anything",at that time she dont reply anything,she will see my text,but no replies.And suddenly after 2-3 days she will ask for something.People dont understand how I feel.They only tell "i'm threatening her".If im giving my time,energy,love,care,resource everything to someone,is it bad thing to expect a  bit of love from them,is that being creepy.I really have no idea.

Its been three days,I havent contacted her in any way.I know after 2 or 3 days,she will say something which makes me feel sympathatic about her.I wish she won't do that this time

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43 minutes ago, Shashank naik said:

Thank you,will try my best to follow whatever you told,but many people here are not understanding my situation,they are directly saying i'm a creep,obsessive.We were close since childhood,and I never thought these days will come where I will become nobody to her.Every mindset is different right,she is the one who used to tell "you are my first priority","you are the best in the world",now she is the one saying "you are boring","you don't have anything I like".Is it this much easy to change feelings on someone.If its easy for me,I would have changed myself within a day.Is it wrong to expect someone to be in your life.I know what im doing is wrong,putting your happiness on others life is not a good thing.I'm ready to move on,but she is not letting me go,she comes back saying "im not feeling well,i have this problem,that problem",I dont know whether she is saying truth or lie,but isn't it bad to leave someone when they are not feeling well.Sometimes I feel like she is just using me whenever she wants and throwing when she dont want.

I told her multiple times,"if you dont like me,if you dont want any connection with me,its your wish,I'm not forcing you anything",at that time she dont reply anything,she will see my text,but no replies.And suddenly after 2-3 days she will ask for something.People dont understand how I feel.They only tell "i'm threatening her".If im giving my time,energy,love,care,resource everything to someone,is it bad thing to expect a  bit of love from them,is that being creepy.I really have no idea.

Its been three days,I havent contacted her in any way.I know after 2 or 3 days,she will say something which makes me feel sympathatic about her.I wish she won't do that this time

@Shashank naik I don't think you're a creep nor obsessive.  I won't gaslight you into thinking there is something wrong with you instead of addressing what the perpetrator did to you. 

Like you,  I was extremely close to my cousin ever since childhood and throughout adulthood until everything went awry.  😡

Don't be confused anymore.  People change.  Change is due to life's circumstances whether rough or good,  their relationships whether smooth or terrible and it runs the gamut.  Many times it's due to poor health,  poor finances,  struggles,  being in a world which amounted to ugly survival.  Sweet innocence was long gone and forever no more. 

All previous wonderful compliments to you meant nothing because it doesn't match the current situation.  It was all in the past.  What matters now is how you're treated now. 

Yes,  it's wrong to expect someone to be in your life.  You have to respect their wishes.  If they don't cherish you anymore,  you have to learn to back off,  let go and be firm.  Also,  once they've revealed their true ugly character to you,  you're the one who has to control the dynamic and situation in your favor.  She can't have it both ways meaning being mean to you and at her whim,  invite you back into your life at random.  Life doesn't work this way.  You're the one who has to stay the course.  Since she's fickle dependent on her mood of the day,  make it clear that you're not readily available at her convenience.  You are never in standby mode.  You are the one who has to be steadfast,  resolute and unwavering.  You steer the ship, not her.

No,  it's not bad to leave someone when they're not feeling well.  There is a way to handle this diplomatically while practicing your self preservation.  If she texts you with "I'm not feeling well."  Simply text back with "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."  Be careful though.  You don't want to become her crutch every time she needs you only to risk getting discarded again.  If you want to make it final,  you can text her with:  "I wish you all the best and it's best we go our separate ways."  It's respectful while remaining firm.  After that,  ignore her.  At the next family reunion,  remain peaceful and polite but keep a safe distance.  This is your way of enforcing healthy boundaries. 

Yes,  she's using you and throwing you away whenever she wants.  This is the game she is playing with you.  You're her toy.

Stop with your explanations of "you don't like me,  don't want any connection,  it's your wish,  I'm not forcing you anything . . ." Blah,  blah,  blah. 🙄 Both of you are being too dramatic.  Stop this nonsense.  Don't expect love in return.  When you don't expect,  you won't get hurt.  You'll become numb and you'll become wary and jaded.  You need thicker skin.  Nothing will surprise you about human nature anymore.  This is the way of the world so grow accustomed to it.  These are the games people play.  ☹️  The joke is on you only if you allow it.

People say "you're threatening her."  So what?  People think and say whatever they want.  Be stronger and tougher than that.  Stand tall.  Be your own person and quit being sympathetic.  She's playing you for an idiot.  You need to dump her so you can move on.

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