Here again...break up after 12 years relationship

[ShySoul]

Family can be the perfect cure and way to get your mind focused on the good things in life. Well, if you can stand your family that is. 😉

Enjoy the holiday. Be with the family. Embrace each day and the happiness you are feeling to the fullest. Be in the moment with them and don't let thoughts of what may happen when you get back interfere with that. The future will attend to itself and you'll deal with whatever happens when it gets there. For now, be content with the love and joy from the season.

And sorry if that sounds like a Hallmark card. 🤣

[extrox]

That's just a thought that comes to mind briefly. I try not to think much about it.

On 12/21/2024 at 11:46 PM, ShySoul said:

 

And sorry if that sounds like a Hallmark card. 🤣

Ha, perfect for the season!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

[ShySoul]

10 hours ago, extrox said:

That's just a thought that comes to mind briefly. I try not to think much about it.

Ha, perfect for the season!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

I've been accused of being too positive at times. Odd, cause I often feel too negative about myself. So thought I should put a disclaimer on there. lol.

Merry Christmas to you as well. May the new year be a much better one for us all.

[extrox]

Now that the season is over, I hope your Xmas was an happy one.

I had a special "gift in disguise": my ex didn't wished me an Happy Xmas. This was one more step to convince me that she's really over me. There could be a lot of reasons for her doing so but I took it by its face value and from this day on I don't expect nothing more from her.

I was (and wasn't) expecting her contact, a kind of expectation about not knowing what to say, but it made me feel a little bit sad because it felt like the end of a cycle in my life (another one). After all we were together for 12 years and not everything was bad, just a normal relationship with good and bad moments. But I consider that the last year, especially the last two months, were not very good mainly because of the way how she handled her need for breaking up. But I try to see it as her lack of "competence" which prevents me from being really mad at her.

However I got msgs from some of her family members, her sister and her husband who never show me any support after the breakup but now tell me I will be always wecomed in their home. I was disapointed with it, but trully, I don't know why they did it. I simply answered their textes wishing them a happy season.

I decided to call her parents. We didn't extended the conversation too much but I felt it was the right thing to do because they always treated me right. In fact, they were about to call me first but I was faster.

[extrox]

Well, I came back to my home a week ago and things are going much better, considering my fears of bumping into my ex, etc.

I still have a few urges to try to figure out what she's been doing (mainly if she's seeing someone new as it would be really helpful to give it up 100%)  but I sense it is not that important anymore.

But what motivated me to write this update is because I re-contact an old friend of mine. For several years I tried to contact him but he never replied my calls and I concluded that maybe he was angry with me for some reasons that I won't elaborate (let's say it envolves his sister, before my last relationship). I had been confused about his behaviour because I have never done anything wrong, even with his sister (it just didn't worked).

So, I decided to go his home and meet him to understand what has been going on and, mainly, to reconect with him because I didn't see him for 12 years. He was not there so I called him. This time he answered and we talked about meet up for a coffee. He explained me that somewhere along these years he changed phone and lost my contact and everytime I called him, as he didn't recognized my number, thinking it was one of these calls to sell something, he didn't replied.

Last friday he called me. The next day it was his birthday and I was invited to his home for a birthday gathering with some friends.

I gave a lift to the pary to one of my friends with whom I have been meeting and when I get there I found that some of my oldest friends were there too. Inside I felt extremely happy and, deep inside, I felt as I was home again.

Let me explain...during our teens, we were a really large group of friends, maybe a hundred of them that used to meet at a coffee shop before we hit the "night", clubs, pubs, etc. We all get along really well, some were more close than others, obviously. Even though, the group of close friends was a large one, maybe 15 or 20 (not really common, I know). We all have common life stories, went through really good times together, but rough times also. During years we went through so many things together that our friendship is solid and hard to break. 

As time passed by, some of them relocated abroad, some died, some simply vanished and occasionaly there's news about them. Most of those that remained here were at the dinner. It felt so good!

Slowly I'm reconecting with my old friends and, as I was expecting, things are the same. At that dinner we were just like we were in the past but older and gray. That feeling when you are with someone who you know, how they are in the inside and outside, you know their pesonality, how they behave, their reactions, what they like, etc. All of that was there, at that table!

I'm feeling so grateful for this opportunity!

I still remember telling my ex, during our breakup last talk, that I was going to reconnect with my old friends and she replied, as if she was the only friend I had in the world: "After all this time, they don't really care about you anymore!"

And I told her: "It seems you don't know what is a real friendship. Me and my friends went through so much together, that our friendship still remains for sure!".

It seems I was right.

And I still he some more friends from that goup that I would like to meet in the future, if possible.

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, extrox said:

"It seems you don't know what is a real friendship. Me and my friends went through so much together, that our friendship still remains for sure!".

She might not know what real friendship is, but you sure do. Amazing how something as simple a talking to a true friend can make your day brighter. And a true friendship endures, no matter the time past or distance between you. Great that you were able to reconnect. Hope there are many more meetups in your future.

And thank you. You've inspired me to try to reach out to an old friend that I've lost touch with. Can only hope things go as well as they did for you.

[extrox]

15 hours ago, ShySoul said:

And thank you. You've inspired me to try to reach out to an old friend that I've lost touch with. Can only hope things go as well as they did for you.

First of all, thank you for your reply, ShySoul.

I really think you should contact your friend. Friends are a precious thing we have in life and making the action to reconnect, when one is successful in doing so, is a powerful feeling.

Give it a go and tell us how it went!

[extrox]

Well, I don't know what to write here.

I found out she has another person, I saw them kiss in front of our building. Although I already had the gut feeling this was happening, now that I got the confirmation I feel so sad.

So many questions in my mind...for how long has this been going on? If they are openly assuming the relationship, then it must neve been going on for some time. Did she broke up because of this new person?

And what if I had remained friends with her not doing NC, could this have happened? What if... what if

I know this is good for my healing but I'm feeling so sad...and I'm crying, which is something I didn't do much because of this breakup.

I don't know what to do or think....I feel stuck in a place that I don't know anymore, where I don't belong anymore. And I feel so left out and lonely.

I really don't know what to do...

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, extrox said:

Well, I don't know what to write here.

I found out she has another person, I saw them kiss in front of our building. Although I already had the gut feeling this was happening, now that I got the confirmation I feel so sad.

So many questions in my mind...for how long has this been going on? If they are openly assuming the relationship, then it must neve been going on for some time. Did she broke up because of this new person?

And what if I had remained friends with her not doing NC, could this have happened? What if... what if

I know this is good for my healing but I'm feeling so sad...and I'm crying, which is something I didn't do much because of this breakup.

I don't know what to do or think....I feel stuck in a place that I don't know anymore, where I don't belong anymore. And I feel so left out and lonely.

I really don't know what to do...

I'm so sorry you had to see this. Please don't assume anything about how long.  Of course it hurts! It should help with healing that you are not her "friend." I hope you feel better. There is nothing to "do" just let the feelings come and be kind to yourself.

[extrox]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so sorry you had to see this. Please don't assume anything about how long.  Of course it hurts! It should help with healing that you are not her "friend." I hope you feel better. There is nothing to "do" just let the feelings come and be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your words of confort. The "how long" thoughts...was this a betrayal? Is it a rebound? 

Well, I don't think it matters anymore.  I'm sending it to a higher power and let it and time do the right thing. That's a way to keep my sanity.

I'm trying to see it as a positive thing. At least I don't need to obcess anymore about if she's seeing someone new. It will help me, with the proper actions and mindset, to focus even more on myself. Although a bit expensive, I'm thinking about taking a NLP course to help me, and who knows, help others.

I'm also growing in my mind the idea of relocating to the city where I came from. I feel I  don't belong where I live anymore. I was there because I was projecting a future with her and I am completely aware that I'm not healing as desirable because I'm her neighbour and, basically, I'm alone there with my thoughts. But this is a drastic decision with a lot of money involved. Not the best action 'cause it seems I'm running from the problem but I can't see any other option. Also, my friends and people that can give me some support, are in my "old" city as well as more work and training opportunities. For ex, I would also liked to take a formal education in playing drums, which is something that doesn't exist where I live (in the past I was a semi-professional auto-didact drummer and would love to start playing again because it clears my mind).

Anyway, one might conclude that I'm perfectly clear minded and grounded, but at this moment, beside deeply sad and disapointed, I am feeling completely numb.

[ShySoul]

Of course it's a shock to see. There must be a million questions in your mind. But do any of them really matter?

You aren't together and you don't plan to be. You can torture yourself with all these thoughts, most of them probably being far worse then what actually happened. Of you can cry the tears for a bit and get it out of your system, then focus on your healing. What she does with her life isn't your concern now. Wish her well, but don't think about it. You need to think about you and pursue what you want.

I once had my heart broke only to find out after speaking to her for the first time in weeks, that she wasn't just seeing someone, she was engaged. And when we spoke a month later, she was married. That was a pain I can't describe. But I was able to find my way out of it, just as you will. Feel as sad and numb as you want for now. Anyone would feel that way. But this will eventually fade and you will be able to fully move forward, towards something better for you in the long run.

1 hour ago, extrox said:

Also, my friends and people that can give me some support, are in my "old" city as well as more work and training opportunities.

If there is nothing tying you down to this place, and you have more support and opportunity somewhere else, why not move? It's not running from this issue, it's running to a place that will be better for you.

A few months after my situation above I moved from my hometown, the only place I'd ever known. I realized that there was nothing for me where I was at. Family had all moved away. No real friends close by. Had nothing professionally. But I did have one good friend that offered me a place to stay and a chance to start fresh. So for my own health I moved and never looked back. It was the best choice for me.

Sometimes a chance of scenario does wonders. And if this is a place where you can be surrounded by people who care for you, a place where you have more chances to become the person you want to be... I say do it. You deserve to be happy. So go to the place that will make you the most happy.

[extrox]

Thank you for your kind words, ShySoul.

I feel a bit silly for being in this state after so much time but I need to vent. I have my friends but they are not always available so I'm dealing with this basically all by myself.

I know it won't matter to vent here for so long but I know that you might be running out of things to say.

I'm feeling as if I was losing her for a second time and this time is hitting really hard.

And I'm feeling a deep regret for having cut all ties after 12 years of being together. It goes against my values and I think that's something a decent person would never do, even for the right reasons. One thing is a brief relationship, other completely different is a 12 years one. Part of me acted this way by impulse because that's what I have always done in all breakups (to punish her for not loving me?) but rationally, what could I have done?

I am considering to talk to her and make my appologies but also make her see that that was the best option for us (if she haven't seen yet). And also tell her that I will never forget those 12 years.

But don't get me wrong, I want to do it today at this stage but I won't. I want to do it when I'm healed, that is, if I still want to do it when that time comes. But at this moment seems to be the correct thing to do.

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, extrox said:

One thing is a brief relationship, other completely different is a 12 years one. Part of me acted this way by impulse because that's what I have always done in all breakups (to punish her for not loving me?) but rationally, what could I have done?

She's with someone else or dating at least so being in contact wouldn't be appropriate.  I ended an on and off super close friendship in 2007 or so.  We first met in the late 70s. It was simply the last straw for me.  She contacted me a year later-she heard I got married and had a baby.  I thanked her for her email and told her that I needed space at that time to be with my husband and newborn.  When I heard she had a baby some years later I sent her a message to congratulate and wish her the best and she replied with a thank you.  The fact that we had a long close friendship doesn't mean it should have continued based on longevity.  It did mean to me that I ended it only after a lot of reflection and thought.

Yes I have and my husband has ended long friendships where a few years after the person tragically passed away. Yes we've wondered whether we did the right thing yes there were some regrets. It's very sad when a long relationship goes from closeness to no contact.

I wouldn't be married to my husband had we stayed in close contact after we canceled our wedding. It was because we didn't, because we moved on, because we didn't create inaappropriate or hurtful siuations by staying in close touch and being privvy to each other's personal lives/relationships that it was much much "cleaner" when we reconnected.

Not saying you will reconnect but I disagree for my own life that there's some sort of obligation to stay in touch based on longevity and prior closeness.  At least my life isn't like that.

[Andrina]

7 minutes ago, extrox said:

And I'm feeling a deep regret for having cut all ties after 12 years of being together. It goes against my values and I think that's something a decent person would never do,

Wow, you might rethink what I see as placing harsh barriers on yourself. I take offense, as many will, that you believe a person is not decent if they don't forever keep communication with an ex. That has nothing to do with ethics or valuing what the relationship once was. There are many pros to not keeping a connection such as: Gaining closure. Moving on without emotions being stirred up to set you back to past stages of grieving and staying stuck, unable to bond with anybody new. A new partner will have no need of worry or suspicion when you don't have a connection with an ex. None of that has anything to do with punishing an ex. It's no longer about them. It's about what's best for oneself.

11 hours ago, extrox said:

Not the best action 'cause it seems I'm running from the problem but I can't see any other option.

When you're with a partner, it's bad to run from problems, such as leaving the house when your gf is trying to have a difficult discussion with you and when you return, even after you've cooled off, you still refuse to hash things out. That doesn't fit here. Elvis has left the building. In this case, as another poster said, your idea that you're running away from a problem is faulty. You're clearly punishing yourself, sort of like people who self-flagellate.

11 hours ago, extrox said:

my friends and people that can give me some support, are in my "old" city as well as more work and training opportunities

Leave her out of all of your decision-making from here on out. In what's said in the above quote, it'd be ridiculous not to move toward friends and better work opportunities. Not only is it time to overhaul your life--you also need to overhaul your ancient mindset about those topics I previously touched on. It's okay to evolve. You're not a gargoyle set in stone, rooted to one spot.

[extrox]

Thank you for your replies

I'm sorry if I passed the wrong message but I don't mean keeping in touch with her. I meant just one convo, and that's it. Maybe unconsciouly I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, because my self esteem is so low right now that I want to do it to lift it up and that is a very good reason not to do it.

I know you're both right. I'm beating myself and it seems I can't stop it but one thing I know: I won't contact her.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, extrox said:

Thank you for your replies

I'm sorry if I passed the wrong message but I don't mean keeping in touch with her. I meant just one convo, and that's it. Maybe unconsciouly I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, because my self esteem is so low right now that I want to do it to lift it up and that is a very good reason not to do it.

I know you're both right. I'm beating myself and it seems I can't stop it but one thing I know: I won't contact her.

Good. Since she is dating someone you having one more convo won't be a good look IMO.  I'm sorry you're having a hard time!

[extrox]

In the meanwhile, I'll talk tomorrow with my parents to use one of their houses (where I've been spending the weekends) for a month, or so, so that I can be away of my environment. I'll have to explain what's happening with me. It will be a difficult talk because we never have shared any feelings matters.

[SophiaG]

7 hours ago, extrox said:

I am considering to talk to her and make my appologies but also make her see that that was the best option for us (if she haven't seen yet). And also tell her that I will never forget those 12 years.

I wouldn't do that now or ever. You've learned what impact seeing her and her new beau could do to you - what if your apologies/confession causes similar impacts on her or her new relationship? Just take the lesson for yourself and leave her be.

[extrox]

3 hours ago, SophiaG said:

I wouldn't do that now or ever. You've learned what impact seeing her and her new beau could do to you - what if your apologies/confession causes similar impacts on her or her new relationship? Just take the lesson for yourself and leave her be.

As I said before I won't contact her. Later on, most probably, I won't care anymore.

[extrox]

I feel like I'm sitting in a theater watching an horror movie... I enter my building and I see the car of this other guy parked in front for the whole night.... in the early morning I watch by the window and I see him comming out from her house to work, as if he was already married with her.

But I can't get out of here...I made some inquires and houses where I have my support system have prices 3x the value I would get by my actual house.

I'm feeling completely stuck, powerless and vulnerable. And I can't let her go once and for all...

Last sunday I spoke about this to my parents just to have their oppinion, and at one time, to explain my reasons, I said them she already have a new relationship and by the look of it, it must be going on for some time. My father didn't say nothing but my mother made only a brief comment: "She's right! At least didn't got stucked!".

I thought it really cold and insensitive. I don't say she's wrong but I was expecting, at least, some support. One ends a relationship and after less than 6 months she already found someone else. And knowing that I live near her and I'm watching it all like a movie. But no, just that one comment.... 

[Batya33]

I'd be struggling and cringing too.  I'm sorry! Hopefully you can find ways to avoid having to see what's going on or what you think is going on.

[ShySoul]

First time I had my heart broke my parents were even less help then that. Father too busy drinking at a bar to even notice. And my mother gave this sage advice: "Everybody get's dumped."

Don't think about what they said (or what they didn't say). Focus on doing something good for yourself. You've got some support right here. I'd be struggling and going through hell if I was in your shoes. It's alright. Keep yourself busy and try to avoid seeing things as much as you can. Close the blinds so you don't see out the window. Feel down if you need to. You'll get through it.

 

 

[SophiaG]

Sorry to hear that. Would renting be an option? Meanwhile maybe you can rent your house out to cover some expenses.

I thought your mom meant you should have moved on too but perhaps she said that in a sarcastic tone- sometimes parents/family are not necessarily the best support when it comes to relationship problems. 

[extrox]

Thank you for your replies.

I have thought about renting as a solution there are a lot of issues about it. The main one is that you rent a house for a couple, for ex, but because renting is so expensive, that couple allow more 2 or 3 families to live there all together. A neighbour of mine faced an extremely damaged house because of a situation like that (they needed to replace some of the floor and repaint the entire apartment).

About my mother... I know she spoke with my ex by the time of the breakup and I wonder what was the "story" she told her. My mother knows I was the one who decided to end but Im almost sure she doesn't know the complete scenario. I thought about asking her what was my ex told her but I don't want to rekindle that.

 

[catfeeder]

 

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I'm also growing in my mind the idea of relocating to the city where I came from. I feel I  don't belong where I live anymore.

I find it striking and fortunate that after a 12 year gap you found such a wonderful and energizing reconnection with so many of the people from your past that helped you feel 'at home' in your own skin. This was an important milestone because divergences are natural in friendships over the course of our lives. The longer we live, the more apparent it becomes that no divergence must be permanent. They often merely reprioritize our focus as we attempt to include more responsibilities and people into our lives. Our paths are fluid and dynamic, and so new openings can emerge for our paths to cross again at new stages of life. EnjOy this!

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But this is a drastic decision with a lot of money involved. Not the best action 'cause it seems I'm running from the problem but I can't see any other option. Also, my friends and people that can give me some support, are in my "old" city as well as more work and training opportunities.

This is not running away from a problem, it's capitalizing on the new opportunities and new chapters one ending can open in our lives. Money is only as big a barrier as you decide to make it. When one is surrounded by loving family and supportive friends, all else tends to fall into place over time.

So sure, you may not immediately be able to score a direct transfer of your current home's value into an equal purchase of a new home. But must this mean you 'should' be trapped in a place that tortures you with feelings and experiences that show you clearly that you don't want to be there?

I can only speak from experience after losing my home and possessions after a hurricane, that a large part of me was liberated by my new state of poverty. There was nothing else to lose, and that fact offered me a certain power over my focus to enjoy each day, each person, each goal, and each baby step I took toward rebuilding my life. This was a time of discovering my own resiliency, and every hardship and drawback felt minuscule compared to the new energy and joy I experienced in building a whole new life.

Head high, negotiate with your family for a way to navigate this transition, and recognize that a big part of any indebtedness you may feel toward them will be partially paid by the satisfaction they gain from seeing you carve a new and fulfilling path. You'll be surprised what you are able to find beyond any money worries you can create as your barriers to finding 'home'.