Here again...break up after 12 years relationship

[ShySoul]

On 10/28/2024 at 10:24 AM, extrox said:

To put it in context, in my youth for several years I was a hard drugs user and went to rehab for 3 times (the longest one was almost a year). I kept fleeing from all of them and had relapses in all of them, including the last one. So, basically, I'm an addict (once addict, always addict).

The brother I mentioned before had a drug problem for years. Just when he would have his life in order, he'd fall back to the drugs. It went on for a decade before he finally got to rehab and managed to stay clean. He's said the same thing: once an addict, always an addict. 

I know what a struggle that can be. You should feel good about yourself for fighting it and turning your life around. I'm really happy for you that you did.

On 10/28/2024 at 10:24 AM, extrox said:

I think I should pay them a visit (we live near by from each other) or call them by phone but I'm not sure if this is the right time as I don't want my ex to think I'm gathering information about her through her family. My motivation is simply to show my gratitude for their friendship along the last 12 years. Basically, to me, what happened between me and my ex has no relation with any member of her family.

Again, same brother was married for a bit then divorced. He remained close friends with his ex's parents. They sometimes liked him better then there own daughter. 😄

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to them. Just because of your relationship with the ex, doesn't mean you need to shut other people out of your life as well. Give them a call. See how they are. And see if they are open to you coming over or doing something with them. 

Life's too short to not spend time people we enjoy being around. Do it now so you won't regret it.

[extrox]

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

The brother I mentioned before had a drug problem for years. Just when he would have his life in order, he'd fall back to the drugs. It went on for a decade before he finally got to rehab and managed to stay clean. He's said the same thing: once an addict, always an addict. 

I know what a struggle that can be. You should feel good about yourself for fighting it and turning your life around. I'm really happy for you that you did.

Drug addiction, or any other addiction is recognized scientifically, as diseases. And there's no cure for them. Therapy, when properly done, and with a strong desire by the addict, makes him explore his "dark side", past issues sometimes not drug related and confronts him with actions made in the past.

It also lifts you up by making you aware that you also have good qualities.

That's really tough but it gave me a strong knowledge of how I am and how my mind works and which actions can come out of it ( good and bad). One must only be vigilant and aware of certain thinking patterns that might originate undesired actions.

One of my rehab counselors used to say that addicts are the most beautiful persons that exist because, although they seem bad people, are also very sensitive. In relationship contexts, when things are not working, we tend to feel things maybe stronger than most people (without disregarding the feelings of our forum colleagues who are going through a breakup) and we tend to create barriers to minimize suffering. Maybe that's why I have always used NC in my breakups, even before knowing what NC was.

14 hours ago, ShySoul said:

There is nothing wrong with reaching out to them. Just because of your relationship with the ex, doesn't mean you need to shut other people out of your life as well. Give them a call. See how they are. And see if they are open to you coming over or doing something with them. 

Life's too short to not spend time people we enjoy being around. Do it now so you won't regret it.

Done! Called them today!

They had been thinking about calling me too but life got in the way. :)

They said a friend don't puts himself in another friends way, i.e. what happened between me and my ex is between us only.

I must pay them a visit.

[ShySoul]

21 hours ago, extrox said:

One of my rehab counselors used to say that addicts are the most beautiful persons that exist because, although they seem bad people, are also very sensitive. In relationship contexts, when things are not working, we tend to feel things maybe stronger than most people (without disregarding the feelings of our forum colleagues who are going through a breakup) and we tend to create barriers to minimize suffering.

As an emotionally sensitive person, I like what that person told you. Being sensitive is a beautiful thing. Yes, the hurt stings more. But when it is going well you also experience the highs that much more intensely. You get to fully feel everything that happens and learn to appreciate it more. 

Having grown up with people forming addictions to all kinds of things, I can attest they are beautiful people - albeit often frustrating people as well. I also see how they built barriers and walls to protect themselves.

Think for all the pain I went through dealing with family, it actually taught me these lessons and was a good thing. I can recognize the signs in myself and thus haven't put myself in the position to have the negative consequences of addictions or barriers. And I can better see the beauty in people, even when they appear to be bad people.

Sounds like your rehab and therapy helped you a lot. You seem like a good, understanding person.

22 hours ago, extrox said:

They had been thinking about calling me too but life got in the way. 🙂

They said a friend don't puts himself in another friends way, i.e. what happened between me and my ex is between us only.

Darn life. It's always getting in the way. 🙂

They sound like good people as well. Good people deserve to be around other good people. Hope you see them soon and have fun.

[extrox]

On 11/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, ShySoul said:

As an emotionally sensitive person, I like what that person told you. Being sensitive is a beautiful thing. Yes, the hurt stings more. But when it is going well you also experience the highs that much more intensely. You get to fully feel everything that happens and learn to appreciate it more.

Well, regarding the hurt, it really works that way. About the rest, I guess it depends on the person, his history and the circunstances. Although therapy helps a lot, there are barriers that remain high. In my case, thre are a lot of issues related with trust. Most of the relationships I had ended because of trust breaking and cheating and that made me see relationships through a lot of "filters". In the case of this last breakup, I haven't had  any major trust breaking red flags. It made me confortable in the relationship, which led to complacency from my part making me neglect some important requirements for a relationship to work (that was my big mistake: taking it for granted).

I have always tried to be fair to my partners and I have been always faithful in every relationship and the way how my ex handled things in the last 6 months of the relationship was a major trust breaking for me (and I felt also disrespected). For may people that might not be important enough to consider it as such, but to me it is. Also, I really don't know if my ex have cheated before the breakup- I don't have any evidence but my guts told me there was something happening, cheating, or at least, thinking about it). Given my trust issues built from the past, it will add to the situation.

On 11/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, ShySoul said:

Sounds like your rehab and therapy helped you a lot. You seem like a good, understanding person.

Thank you for the kind words. I try my best ot be a good person, although I consider myself to be "though" to people who disrespect me. It's kind of all or nothing (I must improve this because it impacts all areas of my life).

Therapy helped a lot to understand how my mind works and how a simple though can lead to significant consequences. What I'm about to write might be controversial but there's a good side from being an addict: it allows you to know your limits and limitations. Once you know them, you'll avoid many situations that can become potencially harmful (not only drug related, but in general).

On 11/2/2024 at 7:56 PM, ShySoul said:

They sound like good people as well. Good people deserve to be around other good people. Hope you see them soon and have fun.

They are good people. I'm thinking about visiting them near Xmas and give them some gifts.

Let me tell you a story... last weekend I went to visit my friends and family. I went with one of my long time friends to a restaurant where we used to go in the past. I hadn't been there in 30 years. I was known there by my drug addiction and, inclusively, there were some money issues between me and them. so I asked my friend if the place was still owned by the same family. It was.

When we entered my friend gave an handshake to one of the ownwers and I did the same and I asked "Do you remember me?" He said "Your face looks familiar but there's so many people passing by that I really can't tell." Then an old lady, who is the "matriarc" of the family said with a really large smile "I know you!". She came out of the bar and came to me really happy. She said she was really pleased to see me after so many years, asked what I have been doing all these years, many questions and finally she asked "Are you ok now?" (I understood she was talking about the addiction) and I said "Yes, I'm ok...100%!".🙂 I could see she was genuinely happy for me.

This is a large family and during our dinner some other family members came to talk to me trying to know what I have been doing with my life and so on... I felt like I was home. This was completely unexpected really made me feel happy and appreciated and it was one of the highlights of the whole weekend.

While this is something that made me happy, today I'm not feeling so good. It's not that feeling of anxiety but something deeper. I feel sad and lonely. I know this will go away but today it is what it is.

[extrox]

This thread is going for so long...😁

Some updates...I feel I'm entering the acceptance phase. Gradually I'm not caring so much. The fact that her actions have been consistent with what she said (no texts, phone calls, etc) is, in fact, helping me to eliminate any doubts that still remained and accepting that is really over.

However, as I mentioned before, she left some clothes at my place. In her last call, on my birthday (two months ago), she said she needed to come here and pick up her things. I told her to come when she wants.

Last week, I got some e-mails from our condominium administrator as we have some things to repair in the building. As I said before, me and the ex, we live in the same building.

Right after I have sent my oppinion on those subjects by to the condominium e-mail group, she sent me a private e-mail:

Hello xxxxx,

All good? How are you? What have you been doing?

I have to stop by your house.

kisses

I replied a few hours later. My interpretation from her first words (the How you do's and so on) were just to initiate the conversation and to satisfy her curiousity so I went straight to the point:

Hey

You can stop by tomorrow or at the weekend.
I'm spending my weekend out of town so I won't be here, but since you have the door keys you can come and get your things. Don't forget to take the aquarium too.

When I got home tonight, to my surprise, she didn't came pick up her things. She lost an excelent opportunity to not meet me face to face (and unfortunately for me, an opportunity was lost to maintain my NC, as I'm not ready to meet her). 

How would you read this?

I can think of several reasons such as been waiting for me to heal and accept her friendship, avoiding to come as she might feel the obligation to tell me that there's someone new in her life, she's just trying to understand where I stand, etc, etc.

I feel I shouldn't think too much about it but at this point, in my mind there is a mix of curiousity and some hope while two months ago there would only be hope. 

[ShySoul]

How would I read it? I wouldn't.

I get the curiosity. I get the hope. But at the end of the day, you aren't going to know unless you ask her. And even then you'd have to believe it's the truth. In the meantime your mind will start going wild with scenarios and explanations. You'll weave intricate stories in your head. It might make good fiction if you are a writer, but otherwise it is just going to cause you to think about her and focus your energy on that. And you will still be left with a box of her stuff and an aquarium in the place.

Having the curiosity is a good step on the road to healing. You're not completely focused on being back together. Just be careful of getting carried away with it. Let her pick things up whenever it finally happens. Keep doing just as you have been. It's slowly working. Let it work some more. 

Thanks for the update. Whenever you need to post, the thread is here. No matter how long it gets. 😉

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, extrox said:

can think of several reasons such as been waiting for me to heal and accept her friendship, avoiding to come as she might feel the obligation to tell me that there's someone new in her life, she's just trying to understand where I stand, etc, etc.

I am married to my ex fiancee.  IMO there is zero to read into.  When two people want to be together they want to be as direct and clear as possible with each other to avoid losing their special person to someone else- or their special person losing interest over time -just because  they weren't direct in what they intend.  So unless and until she says to you or you say to her directly "I want to meet up to see if we should get back together" or I want to get back together. How do you feel about that?" don't drive yourself crazy analyzing what anything else means. For your own sanity.  JMHO.

[extrox]

Thanks for the replies, ShySoul and Batya.

I might be analysing this but I recognize that I'm not doing it so obsessively as I was doing a few months ago. Like I said, part of it is just my curiousity. I think this is a major improvement on my healing.

I am what is called an "unwilling dumper" and my position about this breakup is to remain in NC. If there will be some form of contact from her (since I'm not willing to start it), it will be minimal from my side if she doesn't make any effort to adress what happened. And even if it gets to that point, she will have to get over a really high and strong defensive wall because I don't feel secure anymore.

Knowing myself, and how I react when not feeling secure, I'm starting to doubt if I really want to get back together. I would love to, but considering how she handled our relationship in the last months, I'm not so sure anymore. 

[extrox]

Finally she came my place to pick up her things.

I don't know how she was feeling but as I opened the door she gave me a big smile and said "Hey, we haven't seen each other for a while!" (almost 5 months). I was tense and calm at the same time, it's hard to explain. 

I went straight to the point, didn't say much, ask her which things were there, gave them to her. Before she leaves, she started questioning "How are you parents, and the kids, did you get a job already, etc, etc". I remained pretty neutral with shorts responses. I think she was not expecting that athmosphere but kept her composure. Right before she leaves she said "Don't forget I have your keys. If you want or need them, let me know". My interpretation of these words were that she was telling me "I have your keys but I don't need them so if you want them back....". That was a minor blow to me but made me think "In fact, it doesn't make any sense for her to have my home keys in her possession. So, 5 min after I texted her "Thinking better, please give me back the keys. You can put them in my mail box. Thank you!".

Half an hour later she replied "Ok, if you think that is the best."

This interaction, especially the way how I handled it, made be fell bad because I was pushing her away but that's how I am. I don't feel good about what happened and I'm not the kind of person to fake it and pretend everything is fine. I simply can't do it.

I have been healing, day by day, but the fact that we live in the same building is delaying it to a point that I feel I must do something about it. The only moments of relative peace I can find is when I spend my weekends at one of my parents house, do my hiking early in the morning by the seaside, meet my long time friends, etc. But I can only do it at the weekends. During the week, I must stay at my place and, as I approach my hometown, on the returning trip, I feel my tension rising.

Although I know, deep down, that this relationship is over and will not go past this, I still hold on to minors things that fuel these silly hopes. All the evidences that she really meant to finish are right in front of my eyes. Also, although I'm not so focused on controlling her movements as I was doing a few months ago, there are things I can't avoid, even if I wanted to just because we live next to each other.

I can't escape from noticing her routines that have changed I have the feeling that she's seeing someone else. Not that I have seen it but that's just a feeling based on her routines. Also, I'm almost sure that she was entering her place early in the morning because I was going out for my hiking and heard her key set that has a very distinctive sound. I heard the door opening and being closed smoothly. I'm almost sure it was her trying to do it fast and silently as soon as she heard me going out of my home. Another example, at mondays she goes to the gym and returns half an hour later. Today is monday and as I went to throw away the trash I noticed she was not home, when usually she should be at htis hour of the night. There is a pattern I have noticed every mondays. She used to come home from work before going to the gym but since the end of summer, she stoped doing it and don't come home. That makes me question where does she change clothes? 

Maybe I'm making a lot of "films" but as I said, I don't have any evidences that there is something going on but one thing I know: if I were living in another place, nothing of these issues would have not happened and I would certainly be more relaxed and with a more peaceful mind.

I am tired of being too much time thinking about this breakup and I think, at this point, is to push her away for good with actions. I will stop answering her contacts, xmas included.

I had hopes that it wouldn't be necessary but now that I feel eveything is completely lost, I'm done!

[Batya33]

You'll drive yourself crazy speculating about changes in routines.  I used to do that when I wanted my ex back - we went back and forth many times (no not the man I'm married to) and I would monitor his activity on AOL IM for example at a time we were sort of dating again but I knew he also was dating someone else -and was pretty sure who it was (he didn't know till later that I knew who it was).  It really wasn't healthy -understatement. 

I'm glad the exchange of stuff went smoothly. I once went with a friend to get her stuff out of her ex husband's apartment -she'd moved out.  She wasn't scared at all.  She was just uncomfortable an emotional.  I went and helped her box stuff up. I'd never met her ex - he took me aside and quietly thanked me for coming and helping -it was obvious he was worried about her getting all emotional (I didn't know at the time she had a mental health disorder-she shared that with me later).  So good for you for handling this so maturely -I know it was hard!

[ShySoul]

It took me five months to be okay with what happened with someone and stop wondering about what they were doing - and that was with long distance, no contact, and another person coming into my life that showed me more love and respect as just a friend then she had shown as it was ending. I can't imagine if I had to live in the same place as her.

You shouldn't have to fake anything. Putting up a front or pretending to be something you are not doesn't help you heal. Do what you feel is best for you. There is no reason to feel bad. You have tried to handle things as well as possible. You've remained civil and nice. You've walked the line between protecting yourself and staying on good terms. You're to be commended, so don't put yourself down.

If you need to cut contact, do so. I did and was able to eventually talk to her again. You never know about the future, so maybe one day you will be okay talking to her, if only as a friend. But if you need to be away from her in the present, it's your feelings you need to focus on. So do what is right for you. Good luck with it.

[extrox]

When she came to pickup her things, I found it strange because she called me at least 6 times in half an hour. The next day I understood the cause of it. She was leaving for a week holiday trip and was in a hurry (some of her belongings were clothes for cold weather). I noticed that, not because she told me but because her home was completely shut during the week and she didn't return me my home key as I have asked.

My position about is I really don't care anymore. Apart from the nice time when one goes on holidays, my feeling is that she's rubbing the "I don't need you to go on vacations" on my face, but that is only my assumption. But as I said, I really don't care what she's doing and with whom she's doing it. I gave up and decided to prioritize my sanity!

By other hand, this morning, during my walking/running routine I met an ex-coworker from a company where I worked for almost 13 years (this is a fairly small town and occasionally we bump into people we know). He gave me a sad notice that one of our ex-colleagues has passed away last night.

To my surprise, when I got home, she called me to tell me what happened, in case I didn't knew. I found it odd because this colleage was not one of our acquaintances as a couple. It was just a co-worker that she knew from sight because everytime I met him we always complimented each other. I tought "It seems she uses all the plausible excuses to contact me" but I took it as those stupid hopes creeping in my thoughts.

As usual I didn't talked much as usual, and again, as usual, she noticed it and the conversation was over in a few minutes, not before she tell me that still didn't returned my keys because "she couldn't find time to do it". "Maybe tomorrow or the next day, or maybe today", she said. I don't care, as long as she return them to me within a week at the latest. Oherwise I will pick them up myself.

[Batya33]

I think it was an excuse and it's a shame because even those few minutes result in your analysis of why etc.  I'm glad you resolved again to move on.  

[extrox]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it was an excuse and it's a shame because even those few minutes result in your analysis of why etc.  I'm glad you resolved again to move on.  

It was not really an analysis, just a brief thought that crossed my mind. Nothing like e few months ago.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, extrox said:

It was not really an analysis, just a brief thought that crossed my mind. Nothing like e few months ago.

Wonderful -progress that you can see and experience!

[ShySoul]

Try to avoid speculating, making assumptions or analysing. There could be all kinds of reasons for her actions. None of which is going to change what you feel you should do for you. Let her do her thing, you do yours.

You have made great progress. You're getting there. Keep it up.

[extrox]

She still didn't returned my keys...it's odd since she only needs to go down 1 floor to put them in me mailbox.

You know, I'm not caring at all to pick them up. She can play all silly games that I won't react to it.

The keys are safe with her so they won't disapear.  

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, extrox said:

She still didn't returned my keys...it's odd since she only needs to go down 1 floor to put them in me mailbox.

You know, I'm not caring at all to pick them up. She can play all silly games that I won't react to it.

The keys are safe with her so they won't disapear.  

Perhaps change your locks since your keys could get in someone else's hands?

[extrox]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Perhaps change your locks since your keys could get in someone else's hands?

No, not necessary. It won't happen for sure. She's not that mean.

It is only pissing me off 'cause it seems to be some kind of test, right now that I don't want to be bothered with any breakup related issue.

I won't do nothing, just wait calmly.

[Batya33]

On 12/6/2024 at 1:48 PM, extrox said:

No, not necessary. It won't happen for sure. She's not that mean.

It is only pissing me off 'cause it seems to be some kind of test, right now that I don't want to be bothered with any breakup related issue.

I won't do nothing, just wait calmly.

Yes but what if your keys are found by someone she is dating etc and she thoughtlessly tells the person they are your keys.  Or -anyone who finds them.

[extrox]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but what if your keys are found by someone she is dating etc and she thoughtlessly tells the person they are your keys.  Or -anyone who finds them.

I don't that will be a problem. She's a careful person. Plus, if any of her dating partners enter my home, that would be a good excuse to beat him (hey, I'm kidding ).

In reality, I don't know what I should do about it. I know I should ask her for the keys, but by other hand, now that I'm feeling better, I don't want to have any unnecessary interactions with her. Feeling better doesn't necessarily means that I'm over it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, extrox said:

I don't that will be a problem. She's a careful person. Plus, if any of her dating partners enter my home, that would be a good excuse to beat him (hey, I'm kidding ).

In reality, I don't know what I should do about it. I know I should ask her for the keys, but by other hand, now that I'm feeling better, I don't want to have any unnecessary interactions with her. Feeling better doesn't necessarily means that I'm over it.

I gave you my strong opinion.  I see that it's not a concern of yours.  Good luck!

[extrox]

I decided to take the bull by the horns and went to her home to pick up the keys.

Nothing special to note, fast, cordial and straight to the point.