Friend ignores me yet stays in touch...

[FemmeFire]

I have a friend who seems to be distancing herself from me in a very odd way. We first met in 2018 as colleagues, and I later became her manager for a year (2021-2022). Afterwards, she left the job to explore a new business venture right before getting married, and our relationship evolved into a close friendship. My son was the ring bearer in her wedding and she stated that she wished I would have been the maid of honor, yet she never asked (I was also in the middle of a divorce and custody battle). I've been following her business venture on social media since 2022, but she hasn't reciprocated or connected with me through her personal account on instagram even though I see she follows her business with her personal account too. She was a great support during a challenging period of my divorce in 2022-23. I also supported her through several issues she had in her personal life.

However, I've sensed some underlying resentment from her over the years, possibly due to her lack of career growth while we worked together, my availability for spontaneous activities, and the amount of emotional support I needed through my divorce. I have another colleague who she was close friends with for a while and then she dropped her—stating she was 'negative'. When I asked her why she felt that way, she stated that this person always vented to her about being stressed while working at a full time job, working to obtain her masters and helping her parents' family business at the same time. There's also an age difference between us, and I have a child, which might have influenced our dynamics.

After declining her unplanned visits a couple of times in 2023, our meetings became less frequent. The last time we saw each other was in May 2023, but we've kept in touch sporadically. When I mentioned it to her, she told me it wasn't a big deal that we barely saw each other. For the last year, her responses to my messages have been delayed or ignored and our conversations brief. It always starts with "how are you" and then it ends with her telling me she "has to go" or "I'll talk to you later"! Earlier this year, I requested her input to evaluate me as a manager and she left me a great review and also mentioned that we have a great friendship. She also asked me to see if we could hang out and recently told me she'll call me but never did.  Recently, she randomly shared a colleague's new song with me through text—a gesture that felt odd, considering I don't really interact with this colleague because she's in a different department. She also hated this colleague and now they are close friends.

At this point, I'm reevaluating our friendship, feeling both confused and distant, as her behavior seems mean and passive aggressive. I don't think I'll be reaching out to her again, it seems to me that she doesn't like me and doesn't want to tell me? I want to keep things cordial because we are in some ways tied professionally. I guess I'd just like to know if someone here has ever met someone like this and why are people so weird. 

[Cherylyn]

Instead of making any type of announcement,  follow her cue.  As she drifts apart and fades away from your life,  do likewise. 

Since both of you are maintaining professional ties,  treat it as such.  Reduce your friend to an acquaintance level.  Remain polite yet distant. 

She's basically putting you on a shelf or keeping you in her back pocket.  Then,  whenever it strikes her fancy and it's convenient for her,  you're considered an online / social media friend and no more. 

The next time you have a conversation with her,  make it brief,  give her your polite exit and end the conversation.  After doing this several times,  she'll take a hint and know you've got her number.

And,  yes I've experienced what you have.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  there are parallels.  This world is full of weird people.  Grow accustomed to it.  🙄

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, FemmeFire said:

After declining her unplanned visits a couple of times in 2023

Sounds like she's spontaneous, not a planner, while you're a planner, not spontaneous.

Nobody's right or wrong, and nobody's a villain, you're just very different in this regard.

6 hours ago, FemmeFire said:

...she left me a great review and also mentioned that we have a great friendship. She also asked me to see if we could hang out and recently told me she'll call me but never did. 

Right. She has no ill will toward you and likely thinks highly of you. She just doesn't call because she's been declined too many times for her comfort.

What was the outcome when you attempted to reschedule with her? Did you leave that up in the air, or did you invite her to a specific date, time and place?

Maybe instead of taking this mental mismatch personally, especially if there are qualities you enjoy about this woman, why not just send her an invitation to lunch on a specific date, time and place? 

Relying on an anti-planner to plan something is a losing proposition. Invite her instead, and see how that goes.

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, FemmeFire said:

I have a friend who seems to be distancing herself from me in a very odd way. We first met in 2018 as colleagues, and I later became her manager for a year (2021-2022). Afterwards, she left the job to explore a new business venture right before getting married, and our relationship evolved into a close friendship. My son was the ring bearer in her wedding and she stated that she wished I would have been the maid of honor, yet she never asked (I was also in the middle of a divorce and custody battle). I've been following her business venture on social media since 2022, but she hasn't reciprocated or connected with me through her personal account on instagram even though I see she follows her business with her personal account too. She was a great support during a challenging period of my divorce in 2022-23. I also supported her through several issues she had in her personal life.

However, I've sensed some underlying resentment from her over the years, possibly due to her lack of career growth while we worked together, my availability for spontaneous activities, and the amount of emotional support I needed through my divorce. I have another colleague who she was close friends with for a while and then she dropped her—stating she was 'negative'. When I asked her why she felt that way, she stated that this person always vented to her about being stressed while working at a full time job, working to obtain her masters and helping her parents' family business at the same time. There's also an age difference between us, and I have a child, which might have influenced our dynamics.

After declining her unplanned visits a couple of times in 2023, our meetings became less frequent. The last time we saw each other was in May 2023, but we've kept in touch sporadically. When I mentioned it to her, she told me it wasn't a big deal that we barely saw each other. For the last year, her responses to my messages have been delayed or ignored and our conversations brief. It always starts with "how are you" and then it ends with her telling me she "has to go" or "I'll talk to you later"! Earlier this year, I requested her input to evaluate me as a manager and she left me a great review and also mentioned that we have a great friendship. She also asked me to see if we could hang out and recently told me she'll call me but never did.  Recently, she randomly shared a colleague's new song with me through text—a gesture that felt odd, considering I don't really interact with this colleague because she's in a different department. She also hated this colleague and now they are close friends.

At this point, I'm reevaluating our friendship, feeling both confused and distant, as her behavior seems mean and passive aggressive. I don't think I'll be reaching out to her again, it seems to me that she doesn't like me and doesn't want to tell me? I want to keep things cordial because we are in some ways tied professionally. I guess I'd just like to know if someone here has ever met someone like this and why are people so weird. 

Not all friendships are ride or die.  My dad always says, "you are a lucky person if you have one true friend." 

I have lost best friends over the decades. People come. People go.  If it's meant to be, they will be back.  She is allowed to put in the same effort as you have.

[TeeDee]

You two aren't on the same page & that is OK.  When it's mutually convenient hang out or chat but don't expect her to be your everything.   It's as simple as that.  

No need to discuss, try to change her or resent her.  It is what it is.  

[AuthenticSelf]

Maybe the one who starts was you. 

In 2023, you declined some of her visit. 

She may thought you did not like her anymore. 

It happens to me when I visit old friend. If they cannot make it, they always suggested another time if they are keen to meet me. 

Maybe when she wanted to meet you, you did not suggest another time and that got her thinking you was not keen unconsciously.