polite rejection?

[yellow]

My relationship with my current boyfriend has been pretty bad for the last couple of months. Before I started my relationship with him, I was intersted in his roommate/friend- but although he was giving me hints that he liked me, I ignored those because he has had many girlfriends whereas I had not really been in any serious relationship up until that time.

I decided to go out with my current boyfriend instead and this relationship has turned out to be a pretty bad one- at least we are both sure that we are not meant for each other.

So the roommate was away for a few months but came back recently. I realized while he was away that I had feelings for him and he has many of the things that i have recently realized i want from a boyfriend and is sadly missing in my current one... he likes to have space and i don't etc.

so i broke up with my bf last friday and then the next day, after a lot of hesitation, i ended up sending an email to the roommate saying that i liked him. but the next day i saw how miserable my ex was and since he was under a lot of study related stress, i decided to go back to him. but at the same time the roommate responded (ps keep in mind htat he is a very good friend of my bf as well) saying that he was very surprised and htat he had no idea... he also said that he was happy in a way.. because "it's amazing to know that someone you respect and

you think is interesting and intelligent feels that way about you." On the other

hand, he said he felt terrible since it could be a kind of awkward position as he lives

with my ex/current. and said that it could get to be an ugly story and that it was scary....

 

then he suggested that we talk about it "live" and asked me to have dinner with him.

 

I guess my first question is, did he basically reject me politely? (he is a good friend of mine too).... or is he intersted at some level but hesitant because of the "roommmate" issue....

 

i know my current relationship will end soon.... we have both tried very hard to make it work but we are just too different. so i know i need to break up with him sooner or later.... but about the roommate... i'm totally confused. should i just back out saying i was frustrated with my bf and got sentimental and sent that email- so he should forget about it.... or what should i do?

 

please advice.... im so confused right now.

[socalguy123]

i have to say.. i have very little respect for people who go for one friend, then when that doesn't work out, they go for the other friend. very unfortunate circumstances. but hey, you do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. oh yeah, and all's fair in love and war.

[smallworld]

No he hasn't rejected you yet. He's interested, but understandably hesitant. He wants to meet for dinner to see how serious you are and to figure out if the relationship is worth pursuing.

 

I don't need to tell you this, but what you're proposing could start WW3 between all of you. How would you feel if your bf dumped you and started dating your roomie? But if you honestly believe you and the roomie should be together, don't back out. Be honest about your feelings and why you think you should be together (or not). It's important to lay all that stuff out on the table. Telling lies only makes things worse.

[DN]

I agree with paysley - this has trouble written all over it.

[yellow]

thank you all for your response.

iknow my story kind of makes me looks like a horrible person....

the way things happened was, i liked this guy, the roommate from the verybeginning and it was pretty clear that he liked me too(at least as a friend...). but pretty much all the girls in my class like him since he is just wonderful to be around and makes people feel very good....

so he had a lot of ex's whereas i was pretty much unexperienced in that area.... which made me think that i would probably end up getting hurt if i had a relationship with him. my current bf is a very sweet person. but we just don't get along as we have very different expectations from a relationship....trust me we both tried very hard (And this roommate pretty much knows all of it... he saw all the good/bad stuff that happened). i guess it has come to a point when im feeling liek i just have to get out of it because theres no point of being miserable for so long.

my feelings for the roommate are not a result of this though... i knew him even before i met my current bf.

it's just htat recently i realized that my feelings are too strong to ignroe them and maybe its just worth taking a chance. thats why i sent him that email... but felt horrible right away.

i'm confused because i dont want to ruin my friendship with either of them... and maybe that is possible if i back out now saying i made a mistake and he should forget it... or i can actually try to see how he feels... which is not very clear to me based on his reply.

 

im just so confused and sad right now.

[ducky]

Dear Yellow,

 

I symphatise with you completely.

 

You're feeling down and confused. You've just re-committed yourself in a relationship with someone you don't really like, and yet you don't want to throw away this chance of getting to know another person you are attracted to.

 

To answer your initial question, what the roommate said does not amount to rejection. He was simply forced by circumstances to give a neutral answer. Acknowledging that he likes you too will be a recipe for trouble.

 

In a nutshell, my advice to you is this.

 

1. You should have a heart-to-heart talk with your ex/current about the state of your relationship with him.

You recognise that the relationship between you and your ex/current will never work out. A breakup is inevitable. The question is when. By now, your ex/current should have accepted this fact as well. Ask him how he really feels about you. Regardless of his answer, make it clear to him that the relationship won't work out in the long run, and that a break is inevitable. Remind him that you'll always respect him as a friend, and you'll always be there for him when he needs help. Tell him that you'll be there to help him over this difficult patch he's going through. Do not tell him anything about your feelings for his roommate yet.

 

2. You should recognise the fact that getting into a relationship with his roommate/best friend straight away is impossible. If you still care about your ex/current as a friend, then you'll know that getting into a relationship with his best friend right now will only cause him more hurt.

He probably needs time to accept this and get over the whole thing. The last thing he needs now is for you to two time him with his best friend.

 

3. Back to his roommate's invitation to you for dinner to sort things out. This is a great chance to settle everything.

 

Over dinner, you shouldn't say things like "[you got] frustrated with [your] bf and got sentimental and sent that email" since that is an obvious lie and us guys can spot lies and girls are never good at lying (pardon the generalisation, it was meant as a joke I swear ;P)

 

Here's what you should do - don't deny that you are attracted to him, but don't acknowledge that fact either. Leave things as it is. If he presses for an answer, stick to evasive lines like "I'd like to get to know you better, that's all". Make it clear to him that if he is a decent guy, and still sees your ex/current as a good friend, then he shouldn't be doing anything to hurt him. Ask to let things cool down.

 

4. The final issue is whether you should date the roommate, and if so, when you should start dating. This has always been a tricky issue, dating an ex's best friend. You should really resolve your situation with your ex/current before starting anything with his best friend. So alot will depend on how you decide to bring about the breakup. Make sure that it is a mutual decision and you retain mutual respect for each other, and remain friends. Only then should you start having thoughts of dating his best friend.

 

From an objective point of view, you two don't really match each other. You seek stability and chemistry in a relationship. He obviously doesn't care about stability, just see how often he changes girlfriends. He seems to have all the attributes of your ideal guy. That does not mean that you two will click well with each other. But what's stopping you from trying it out?

 

Take it slow with this guy. After resolving the situation with your ex/current, get to know him as friends. Ask yourself if this person is really the right guy for you. Even then, the attraction between him and you must be mutual.

 

You are a very loyal person. You could have dumped your bf when you discovered personality conflicts with him at the start of your relationship. Yet you tried your very best to make the relationship work. You could have broken up with him for good last friday. Yet you felt bad when you saw him in that pitiful state and decided to get back with him. But loyalty can also mean that you get hurt much more badly in unstable relationships. You have been warned.

 

To summarise, sort out the situation with your bf first. Ask the person you are attracted to for time for things to cool down. Get to know him as friends first before attempting to take things further. If he's a player, stay away!

 

All the best.

 

Regards,

Jonn

[yellow]

John, Thank you so much for your reply. it makes a lot of sense

 

i just talked to him instead of going to dinner.... and i told him that thigns are kind of difficult with my bf and me now etc. and that although i sent him that email, ineed to resolve all the issues with my bf before doing anything else.

 

he said that our relationship looked frustrating from teh outside and told me about his past relationships... his mistakes and times when he had to cut off someone even knowing that it would hurt both of them..... we talked for almost two hours.

 

he seemed kind of nervous in the beginning but then things got kind of normal...i told him to forget about it for the time being and that i was sorry for putting him inthis situation. he said, don't be sorry.... right now, by saying this you can only make me happy... because if you were serious about it, i really wouldnt know what to do.... then asked me to stop by any time i wanted to....

 

i think it was handled in an OK sort of way.....

 

what do you think?

my current bf is just too nice for me to twotime him. we both tried very hard.... we are just very very different. but i think that of course he deserves the respect of being given a decent amount of time after we breakup before i start dating again.

 

how do you guys think the roommate feels about the whole thing? is he interested even a bit? should i pursue this in the future.... ? or leave it like this since we have been good friends for almost two years now.....

 

thanks.

[ducky]

You handled it very well! Whole thing was settled in a mature manner.

 

I think it's a no brainer, the roommate is obviously attacted to you! It is all too easy for a guy who isn't attracted to you to use the "Sorry I don't date my best friend's girl" excuse, but he didn't use that on you. The fact that he started the conversation nervously is a dead giveaway to me.

 

I will suggest waiting 1-2 months and letting this thing blow over, after which you should start flirting with that roommate again. It's always awkward for a guy to date his best friend's ex! That's why if I were in the roommate's shoes I will choose talk to your ex first, and ask if it's OK with him that I pursue you.

 

The way I see it, the next move is up to the roommate. If he really likes you, he'll wait for a few weeks, have a nice chat with your ex, and start going after you. Your job is to drop him enough hints to goad him into doing so.

 

I won't advise you to make the next move on the roommate, like asking him out or dropping by his place for obvious reasons, it'll only reflect badly on yourself.

 

At the same time, it's always important to keep your options open! There are lots of other guys out there!

 

All the best!

 

PS If you want advice on dating your ex's best friend, there are plenty of threads around here that can help. Do a simple search through the insite search engine, or through google.com with the additional syntax "site

[Bad_Disease]

You should end things with your boyfriend and stay away from the roommate. I'm thinking that the roommate might just think that you are easy and may want to use you. He seems curious, but not romantically interested. If you tell a guy that you like him and he likes you, he'll tell you right away. I'm also positive that your boyfriend won't be too happy about you dating his roommate. Sometimes these sorts of things do work out, but I think that you were dishonest from the beginning.

 

In the future, don't date people so that you can get closer to someone else. That's exactly what it sounds like you did here. You felt that the guy you liked was so experienced and every other girl wants to be him, so you used someone else to get yourself in his house. It's manipulative and doesn't show any regard for the feelings of the guy your were dating. When you actually DID show feelings for the boyfriend, it was at the wrong time. You shouldn't take someone back just because they are taking a breakup the wrong way either.

[yellow]

bad_disesase:

well, thanks for your opinion.

actually, it wasn't quite like that. i like the roommate as a person but did not consider the idea of dating him because i always thought that he leaves a relationship as soon as he finds someone new adn i would end up getting hurt . when i started dating my current bf, i did so because he was very sweet and i appreciated all teh things that he did for me - not so that i could be closer to the roommate... in fact i hardly ever went to their house since im not really in good terms with another guy who lives there and i dont like the idea of hanging out there. the oher thing is, the roommate was in another country during more than half of the relationship. however, he has been my friend ffor more than two years now and i always respected him as a person who could always cheer me up and make me feel good when i was feeling down (even when he was away... through emails etc.).

 

it was only after the roommate came back a couple months ago (by whcih time my relationship with my bf had reached a ratehr destructrive stage ... to which teh roommate was a witness and helped my cope with it by having long discussions with me) that i started wondering if i had misjudged him and whether i was making a mistake by not taking a chance?

 

anwyay, i have decided to stay away from him...so thats not an issue any more. we are still friends.

 

your comments were quite hurtful by the way. just a small "anecdote" about how emotional my current bf is and im not: the first time i told him i had feelings for him, he said "im not in love with you. we should end this".

and that was a long time ago... and things have only gotten worse since then.....

[yellow]

i would think twice before making such a post, frankly.

[ducky]

Chill it, we're all here to help. I'm sure Bad-disease meant well by putting in the effort to post. Anyway, I'm glad that you've settled your problems. It's time to move on, and up.

 

Out

[yellow]

yes, i lost my temper. sorry about that.

 

i broke up with my bf today. it doesn't feel too good