How could she ever trust me again

[ufoureah]

I snapped one night and pulled my girlfriend down on the bed after an argument. I lacked impulse control and was called an abuser by my girlfriend. she moved out immediately with her 14 year old daughter and while she has been gone I was diagnosed with ADD. Iam now on meds for 8 days and am feeling a bit better. Iam also going to anger management and, a psychologist and giving her plenty of space. She has asked me out for brunch and I have talked with her at least once a week. I will be seeing hjer again in onbe week. Probably for a walk or something.

How could I ever get her trust back. she is an avoider and has not been to a psychologist to get help, she has old scars and she says that she does not know how to get passed the abuse part I did. It only happened once and I know I was wrong and it will never happen again.

 

My question is.. My G'D.. Iam going thru hell. I have lost 25 lbs and Iam not fat.

Iam so remorseful and sad I did this. Could she ever get passed this.. what do I do to facilitate this. Is time the only answer? she takes longer than most but this is agony. we are going on a 2 month separation and she wants me to go on with my life but it seems like she has not given up yet. she says how she had planned top spend the rest of my life with me and now that is a dream that is shattered. I know she still loves me. she says it will take forever to get over me.

What am I to do. I love her with all my heart and I respect her, but could she ever trust me again and what do I do..

Thank you.

Iam not a guy..

D...

[kenneth05]

there is only one thing to do, well several actually.

tell her you love her and want her back.

tell her you are working on your anger problems.

tell her you are sorry.

... now, here's the hard part - wait.

time is your friend now though it doesn't seem so.

best of luck, and remember, you asked.

 

[AlwaysConfused]

It's a good sign that she continues to have contact with you. Continue to help yourself and get to know your behavior and coping skills. Continue to have some socialization with her on a weekly base. Don't push things too fast. Although you feel some difference now, having her come back RIGHT NOW will probably only derail any progress you did make.

 

Since she is willing to stick around and communicate with you, I would think that she is trying to get past what you did. But you should look inside yourself and ask if this is a situation that could potentially happen again. If you feel it could, perhaps you should think about getting back with her. If you love her, you shouldn't want to put her and her daughter in a bad situation.

[ufoureah]

Iam so afraid that she may forget about me.. I have suffered enough.. I am having a tough time with these medications and what they are doing to me. I really need her support. she is not available. I know If I called she would be there, she just does not check in on me. well she sis ask me to go for brunch on memorial day. she is an avoider and I deal with stuff immediately. I go to appointments daily for the last 2 months, she has nmot even dealt with it. she is still angry.

I know Iam powerless over what she does, but how do I deal with me always having to make the move?

I want her to be there e=when Iam puking because I cannot tolearte my meds. we had a committed relationship, yes I did something really bad, but do I have to suffer so much. we know tha main reason why I did why I did.. can't she be a little more forgiving?

Thank you..

Iam having a bd day.. I had a week of no contact and then I was fine and then I called yeaterdayt and now iam sick again. I didn't beg.. had quite a nice conversation..

 

What do I do now?

D...

[AlwaysConfused]

1. Determine why you are vomiting. If you are vomiting because you are upset with not seeing her, that's one thing. But to vomit due to the medications is a problem. The meds are not staying in your system if you are getting sick. Call the doctor and get in there to see them. Change those psych meds. It's okay to have to be put on new ones, people have reactions all the time.

 

2. If you are unhappy with always making the move, take a step back. I know its the opposite of what you want to do right now, but realize that you can't help this relationship until you can make yourself better. Start to schedule different activities or whatever that you can do to distract yourself. The more you sit around waiting to hear from her, the worse you will feel. So get out!

 

3. Forgiveness is difficult. If she is an avoider, then she may just avoid you until she feels things are fine and she can forget what happened. Not necessarily forgive because people who avoid don't necessarily forgive.

 

D, again I go back to you going out and doing things. Go visit family (just to say hi, not talk about your bad relationship), visit friends, out to movies, read books, play music, exercise, cook yourself an awesome dinner. Keep yourself busy and you will feel somewhat better.

[ufoureah]

I appreciate your help.. I have made 25 new friends in the last 6 weeks. I started an all woman's group and organize parties.. I walk every day, go to the gym 3 days a week. I kayak every Sunday and go on hikes every Saturday. I work 50 to 60 hours a week. go to Coda twice a week, my psychologist 1x per week. anger management 1 x per week. and I cook dinner every night. Bought a piano last week and am starting lessons on Friday.. Iam meeting people during the week for coffee. what more can I do.. iam working on me, but how will she see change if she is avoiding me and just taking care of her daughter who is so easy. she is overworking and doing doing doing for others so that she can avoid her own problems. I resend that she is putting our problems away and not dealing with them, meanwhile Iam getting healthier and she is stuck.. how is that going to help our relationship.. I love her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. why did I do what I did?? G'D only knows.. do I have to pay pennance forever? I thought for sure she would be a little bit more understanding if she found out that I was sick and she knows that I always want to be the best that I can be. she knows how hard Iam working on me.. whay is she staying away. we were living together and had a committment. when she left I gave her $2000 to get her life started on her own with her daughter. I bought her a washer and dryer because she owns a condo but is renting it out to her 22 year old son. do you think she is staying away from me because of her children? She told me in the past that her kids would support her in whatever she chose. I know she has to take them into consideration.

I asked her if we could get together this weekend, she said it was family day (something I started) I didn't give her a hard time I said great we'll do it another time. so We tentatively atre seeing each other on the 15th...

What is G'd's name do we talk about? do I say anything about the relationship... what can we do that is safe.. i excercise alot, maybe we can go for a walk and go for Indian food.. her favourite. Do I dare ask what we are going to do, or do I have to be patient and wait until she brings it up...

help...

D...

[AlwaysConfused]

I dunno D. It sounds like you resent her alittle bit. It's her life. If she doesn't want to change, unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Because if you try to push her or give her advice and she doesn't want to hear it, you may only alienate her. And you obviously want contact with her. It's good that you gave her help when she needed it. I'm sure she realizes what you did for her.

 

You said multiple times that she avoids conflict. So no, she probably isn't limiting contact due to her children. If you know her as an avoider, then she is probably just doing what comes naturally to her.

 

About the date on the 15th. I think I would just stay on safe topics. You don't know what you want to discuss, you don't know what you want out of a conversation about the relationship - so hold off. Have a good time. Let her feel confident about rebuilding the relationship. Talk about the kids if she wants, work, perhaps your accomplishments with a piano? A walk and food sounds like an easy, enjoyable time. Nothing stressful. Good idea!

 

Just take this one step at a time. Don't push. Don't rush. Work on you. Go to therapy (side note: CODA - codependency therapy?). Continue communication. I, myself, want instant gratification all the time so I do realize how hard this advice is to put into action. But nothing good will come out of rushing this.

[ufoureah]

G'D I miss my baby so much.. she is my everything.. we did so much, had plans for the Summer, we live for the time when her daughter is at her dad's house, now I have to again be without her. Life sucks so much.. it's great that Iam getting better and becoming whole, I just have no she will want to be around me more and we will be better off.

I wasn't very nice during our relationshiop, so Iam very lucky she even is talking to me. 3 of my friend sbroke up for the same reasons and they have all gotten back together agfter 2 weeks or 3.. Iam the only one still suffering, Iam also the only one who is working on me so hard.

D...

[AlwaysConfused]

Keep doing what you're doing. It appears you have a good handle on things, whether or not you want to acknowledge it.

 

AC